Mya's search for balance

Sorry to read about that :( Really sorry for you.

If moving could serve as a distraction and you think about moving anyway some time in the future, maybe it would be a good time for it. At least it sounds as if you need a change of air.
 
I love your blog, Mya, because you always sound so awesome and so loving, no matter what happens. You have so much love to give.

I think someone new will come into your life very soon. In the meanwhile, build your own life on your own. Move to the other country, move on with your career, etc. You can build an awesome life on your own.

I'm sorry that you have to pass through another sad phase before joy returns. Wishing you the best!
 
Thanks for you kind words, Rockit49, opalescent, Phy and MeeraReed. :) <3

I talked to my housemates and they'd be happy to let me stay for as long as I want. And career-wise I also have a plan that involves letting myself take some time in my current city before moving anywhere but still quitting my job. It's a good plan, I think. I want to be sure about moving and at the moment I'm not. I'm quite scared actually. I want to be here where I have several dear friends who have been amazingly supportive in the last few days. So I'll just take a bit of a time-out in terms of moving countries, even though I'm still planning on doing that at some point.
 
Me and Jasmin officially broke up yesterday. It was definitely heading that way in any case after our talk last week, so that just felt like putting a stamp on something that had already happened.

My mom called me yesterday evening (after Jasmin had left) and expressed how worried she is about me. I've kept her up to date about the recent Jasmin-related events. She suggested that I should take a break from dating now that I'm not seeing anyone (she doesn't know about Marco and Noel). I said that's not really her business. I didn't want to say that I'm still not completely single, even though I don't have a life partner anymore. My mom also said that's she's completely fine with my bisexuality, but she doesn't understand poly and she thinks it's causing me all this heartache. Well, yes, when you date a lot you also risk having your heart broken a lot. Then again, you also get to love a lot, so there's that. What I didn't tell her is that I'm actually not interested in full-on polyamory anymore. I didn't tell her that because it's not a decision I'm 100% committed on. But it is a thought I've been having recently, already when I was with Jasmin. I think I mentioned that we used to joke about her being in a poly relationship and me being in an open relationship. I think that's what I want next: an open relationship. I want to find a life partner to live with and maybe even marry someday, and then we can both have FWBs or casual sex, but not the committed-let's-plan-our-future-together type of relationship with more than one person. I feel that pretty strongly and I've wanted that for a while now. So I'll keep seeing Marco and Noel, even though neither of those won't grow into life partnerships (Marco because he already has a live-in partner and Noel because I don't have those kinds of feelings towards him) and at the same time I want to find someone to build a life with.
 
It's a bit weird how quickly I've moved on from Jasmin in my mind. Maybe it was all the times she expressed insecurity about us that made me somewhat prepared for this, even though I didn't really want to believe it. I've been making plan B's for a long time. I can't even count the times when I said to a friend "If Jasmin and I break up, I'll..." But then again, that's me. I never trust that a relationship will be lifelong, that's so rare. So I always try to plan my life in a way that's not completely tied up to another person. In a way that can be good, it makes me less dependent on people. But it also makes me less vulnerable, less able to just leap into the unknown. Anyway, I think about Jasmin much less than I expected I would. It definitely helps that I asked for no contact for a month to help with the detachment. After that we can try building a friendship. We'll see how that goes.

Speaking of exes, I saw Hank at an event last weekend. We chatted for a bit and then the next day he sent me a message. He said that he would like to get back in touch if I was open to it. I was really surprised! I thought he pretty much hated me. I'm cautious, but willing to see how this goes. We've agreed to not hash out the past too much, at least in the beginning. Just talk about our current lives for now. He said that since it's been about a year now since things started to go south in the old house, he's had time to get some perspective and distance from all the bad stuff. He said he would like to achieve some sort of peace with me so that we could both heal and move on. That sounds like a lovely goal that I'm all for. It's also scary, the possibility of opening up old wounds. We'll see. I'm going in prepared for the worst (him blaming me for everything and making me feel like an evil person), but hoping for the best and giving him the benefit of the doubt.
 
One good thing about having multiple relationships at the same time is that when one relationship ends, you can still get sex and/or intimacy from somewhere. I'm working from home today and Marco and I had a lunch date at my place. Oh my god, sex with him is so good! It just keeps getting better. We talked briefly about my changed situation. I told him that I'm not expecting any more time from him than before, or other type of escalation, even though I have more time on my hands now. I told him that I do eventually want a life partner who I can live with and all that, and that's my priority, so my availability to him will fluctuate based on how that's going. He was very understanding of that. He said he'll be happy to just have me in his life in whatever form it takes. I said that I want that too, and that I value what we have. It was all pretty sweet. I just really want to avoid creating a situation where I give Marco a lot of time and attention and start fantasizing about a big future with him, when I know that's not going to happen. I think we're both well aware of the realities of our situation, so we're trying to rein in our feelings. Or, well, not the feelings, but our actions based on those feelings.
 
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I find it really difficult that my life doesn't have a direction at the moment. As in I don't know what country I'll live in next year. I keep obsessing about different scenarios and coming up with different plans, not knowing which of them to pursue. Rationally I've decided to give myself some time to just chill and enjoy my friends and lovers here in the current city for a little while, but my mind can't seem to cope with that. I keep googling all sorts of options and my mind races from full-time freelancing to studying, to having babies and/or pets, to renting, to buying a house, to living in a city, to living a bit further away, to living with a partner, to building an intentional community/commune, to traveling all over the world, to settling in to a new place for good. I don't know for sure what I want! :confused:
 
So... Do you still remember this thing that happened?

Okay, so I just got home from a date that I didn't know was a date. :p

I have a second date with her tonight. :) I originally said no to a second date even though I felt like a deep connection with her was very possible - or actually because of that - but since my situation has now changed, I explained it to her and asked if she'd consider a second date with me after all in the light of this new situation. And she said yes! So, that's a thing. I'm quite excited and nervous. Otherwise I would've probably waited a bit longer after a significant break-up to date again, but this feels different because we've already been on a date and I was a bit gutted that I couldn't go on another date with her at the time. So I know that if I didn't go out with her again, I would always wonder what could've happened there. Let's see what happens. :) Oh, and I need to name her. I'll call her Olivia.
 
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The date with Olivia went really well. :) We're taking it slow physically due to her demisexuality, but it seems that we're looking for the same things when it comes to relationships, so that's a great start! The conversation was great overall, I think we seem pretty compatible so far. Now we just need to see if the sexual side is there or not. I told her that I'm sexually attracted to her, so the ball is in her court to make moves at some point if she wants to. She seemed happy to know that. And we're definitely going to have a third date. I'm looking forward to seeing what happens. :)
 
I've just realised one thing that I have trouble with when it comes to people who are demisexual. They only feel sexual attraction once they've established an emotional connection to the person. But for me it kinda works the other way around. I need to have sex in order to feel a connection properly. Or, well, I can feel some sort of connection beforehand, but I can't know if it will deepen into romantic feelings before I've had sex with the person. So when I'm with a person like that, we need to wait quite a long time before we know whether we have a romantic connection or not. First we need to get to know each other enough for them to develop some feelings for me. Then if we end up having sex, we'll need to see whether that sparks my romantic feelings or not. Of course there's nothing wrong with that and I don't mind waiting, but it's just interesting to think about how different people can be and how those differences work together. :)
 
Yeah, that's an interesting observation re figuring out dynamics with someone who is demisexual.

I'm a bit late to respond (haven't been keeping up with blogs on here recently) but sorry to hear things didn't work out with Jasmin as you had hoped. You seem to have a pretty healthy mindset about it though - maybe all those plan B's, as you said. Happy third date with Olivia!
 
Thanks for the comment fuchka! :)

This week is a bit of a weird one for me. I'm meeting up with Hank today after a long time of not keeping in contact, and I'm seeing Jasmin on Sunday for the first time after the break-up. It hasn't been a month yet, but I realised that she's moving out of her current place this weekend and I still have a bunch of stuff at her place, so I asked to meet up so that she can give me my stuff back. So while we're at it, I thought we might as well talk a bit. She was happy to. So that's happening. On Sunday it will be exactly one month from the original talk though, even though we officially broke up a week later. That Sunday would have also been, weirdly, our first anniversary. So it's a bittersweet day to meet up really. I think it's going to be tough.
 
Sending you hugs and happy vibes for the coming week!
 
Hugs Mya, I hope it goes ok and you get plenty of self-care time after the meetup with jasmin. I'm so sorry things didn't work out as planned. :(
 
Thanks RainyGrlJenny and starlight1!

It was a tough week, but I made it. Seeing Hank was harder. We talked about the past and cried and apologised. I had a panic attack after thinking about one specific thing that happened. Good times. :/ But all in all I think it was beneficial. I hope there can be peace now. I did a lot of processing about the past after seeing him. It was good, useful.

I felt a bit scared to see Jasmin. But it went better than I expected. The month (from the first conversation) that we didn't communicate allowed me to process my negative emotions pretty well. Surprisingly well. So when we met, the last bits of resentment I was harbouring pretty much faded away. When we parted ways, I felt like we just wrote the last chapter of a thesis, where you summarise what happened, make your conclusions about it and think about where to go from here. It felt really healing, like...I can close this chapter of my life and start being friends with her. I understand why things happened the way they did. I'm ready to move on.
 
Today I got messages from two people that I've slept with once. Neither of them live in my city. The other is a guy I had a date with about four months ago when I went to a bunch of first dates from OKC. We had a pretty good time, but quite soon after the date he moved to a different country. Now he told me he's visiting my city and would like to see me again. I said yes.

The other one is a woman I originally met at a sex party and who I recently saw again at a bisexuality-related event. She spent the night in my room at that event. Now there's another sex party happening at my house (I'm hosting together with Dahlia) this weekend, and she has asked if she could stay over at mine after the party. I said yes.

I have a feeling that both of these people are possibly expecting things from me. And I'm planning on doing whatever I feel comfortable doing with them, which might very well include sex. But I also have this feeling inside that I might not want to continue sleeping around for much longer. Like, these might be my last casual (as in non-continuous) encounters for a while. I feel my desire for sex outside a relationship fading little by little. I can definitely see it coming back at some point, and it probably will, but right now I feel like I'm merely doing it because I'm used to it. I've also been thinking whether I want to continue my thing with Noel since it's so sex-based and nothing else. Basically at the moment the only people I have strong lust for are Olivia and Marco, the people I have romantic-flavoured feelings for.

Speaking of Olivia, I had a third date with her tonight. We went to see feminist stand-up comedy, which was brilliant! We laughed a lot. We didn't go into very deep discussion topics this time, but maybe that was good since we did it a lot last time. She seemed enthusiastic about planning our next date, so I think this is going well so far. :)
 
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