The Musings of a Newbie

I wonder what it is exactly you want to sort out. You want to be submissive with some people, with others, not so much. The world is just fine... or not? ;)

I suppose I didn't think of it as 'okay' to have it be a stronger desire with some and not with others. But I'm not entirely sure why I viewed it that way. hmm.
 
Mentally Struggling

I've been having anxiety attacks since Friday.... here and there. I think I'm just overthinking sooooo much. There are times when I know I don't have it all figured out, and I know that its a process and a journey, etc. and I don't need to have it all figured out all at once. But half the time, it consumes me. So lately, its been consuming me. I keep having gut feelings about stuff that might happen soon.

And I feel lonely too. Most days I'm content with being on my own and with most aspects of my life right now. But lately, lonely, yes. I'm keeping myself from getting close to anyone. I'm afraid of getting close. I've got walls up so high. With how everything happened between Kiwi and me and Stone...the thought of being that transparent and vulnerable with others again is off-putting. I can't fathom doing it again. I keep thinking what if I tell someone things about me and my life, talk and get as close as best friends do....and then suddenly something goes wrong, we aren't friends anymore and they go around telling all my secrets to the world.

ugh i'm living in fear of the past repeating itself.
i'm in constant limbo still. one day feeling like I've moved on, that I'm good and loving life.... next day I'm having anxiety attacks, like something is looming over me waiting to drop the curtains and expose me ....but why? i don't even know what there is to expose anymore....

A year. It's been a whole year. And today I feel as though I'm no further from being healed as I was this time last year. :-(
 
back for another update

back again for a quick update to get stuff off my chest.

Yesterday, I stepped away from Flame. He broke my trust. I found out he started "working on things" again with his ex (mother of his kids) and never told me about it. I don't know the details and didnt let him explain. I simply said i was just gonna stop seeing him because he was back with her. He said fair enough and that was that. I didn't feel like it turning into some big discussion cuz knowing him, he wouldn't talk it out with me anyhow, and the end result still would've been the same, me leaving and him being with her. so. thats that.

I balled my eyes out though. It wasn't serious but I think it was just more that he hadn't kept me in the loop or at least given me the heads up. Can't force everyone to be honest tho right?

I moved again to a much bigger place. I half love it, half hate how big it is. I'll come back and talk about that more.

Work is the same. My side gig is slow but still going. And I'm completely single now. ::sigh:: I'm not jumping for joy but still alright with it. Oh and I realized the cause of all the emotional roller coaster crap and anxiety attacks....so working on getting it under control.

be back later to write more.
 
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