Monogamous couple transitioning to poly (part II)

Shaya

New member
I previously asked for links to examples of an originally monogamous couple (with no experience in non monogamy) who attempted to transition to polyamory. Kevin helpfully replied and so far, his story is the only one I know of where the original couple and the person they opened up to are still romantically together after a decade.

I wanted to loosen the criteria and compile a list of blogs or intro stories where the originally monogamous couple are still together romantically or living together platonically, even if the person they opened up to is no longer involved romantically with them. My aim is so that I can link newbies to this information so they can see real examples of how difficult such a transition can be. Far too may people come here with high ideals and the "shit yeah, let's do this polyamory thing" attitude without respect for how difficult it can be to overturn a lifetime of mono thinking. Real examples, real struggles. Show it to them then let them decide if polyamory is something they a) want and b) should be taking more seriously.

There's no hard and fast criteria for links here. Here are some preferred criteria to have:
  • The couple, ideally, was previously a) monogamous and b) have some length of history together monogamously, measurable in years.
  • The link should (hopefully) show their struggle and contain at least one gem of insight that a previously monogamous couple may not have thought of.
  • Less importantly, it would be nice to give them something positive to look forward to. A previously monogamous couple who are still together (however you wish to define that) after, say, 5 years (maybe). On the other hand, one that separated after a shorter time but explores the issues well or writes well, may be more useful to read.

In the end, the aim is to show a previously monogamous couple real examples of real struggles that they may face in the near future if they choose to open to polyamory. The method to starting a relationship in monogamy is the Nike approach - "just do it." Transitioning to poly from monogamy should have a more cautious approach, but lacking alternate role models, far too many couples default to the "just do it" approach.
 
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Kevin (Kdt26417) is the newcomer in a previously monogamous (I presume) marriage. All 3 now live together. Things were not always rosy. Kevin was kicked out of the house for 2 years and all three people have been through truly difficult times together. Yet, a decade on, and the two men in the V-type relationship call each other brother-husbands. Nice! :)

Icesong is still with her husband whom she met 19 years ago. They opened their relationship after (I presume) more than a decade of being monogamous. The first relationship was intense but didn't work out. Icesong is a strong writer, displaying a rare brutally honest with herself, exploring the difficulty of managing the impact of New Relationship Energy on her existing marriage and on her young child. In her blog, Icesong links to the article on polyamoryville which is one of the most useful articles I have come across in explaining NRE.

Bluebird is still with her husband whom she's been with for 12 years. They opened their relationship 4 years ago. The first relationship did not work out at all, but she is now in a poly V-shape with 2 husbands. I haven't read this blog but it's certainly on my list.

Elle starts chronicling her blog in 2016, but lots has already happened and most is written in past tense. Elle writes beautifully. Their first experience with non monogamy is with cheating. After recovering from that, they open to non monogamy for sex but without the emotional attachment. Elle and her husband eventually transition to polyamory.

OnceAndFuture writes in past tense of he and his wife's first attempt at polyamory with an experienced but deceitful person who was experienced with polyamory. It's clear that the breakup was painful, but OnceAndFuture and his wife stuck together in a long term monogamous relationship, strengthening it for 5 years before opening to polyamory (with somebody else). Unfortunately, 1 year after that decision, old wounds are clearly still hurting and the romance in the marriage is lost.

In this example, an affair occurred 4 years ago, after a long term monogamous marriage. After recovering, polyamory is discussed and then entered into willingly by both parties. The author writes at a time when the husband wishes to divorce, presumably due to poly fatigue.

A somewhat unusual couple and written quite humorously. Although they married under the vows of monogamy, they are both clearly more suited to polyamory. The author describes an interesting aspect of sexual compersion.

I have no idea of the timeframe, but this man describes a series of relationships he has with others and a DADT (don't ask don't tell) arrangement he has with his wife. We learn from some of his early mistakes which include discussing his marriage problems that he had with his wife to his romantic other(s), resulting in a veto of his relationship with his romantic other(s).
 
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Notes:

Yes, the marriage was previously monogamous. It became polyamorous when I became a part of it. Also, I wouldn't say I was kicked out (for two years), I kicked myself out. Or I kicked Brother-Husband out and Snowbunny went with him, anyway it was all consensual, we decided our V had a better chance of survival if I lived by myself for awhile.

If anyone has any questions for me, I'll be happy to answer.
 
More notes:
How long Knight and I were "monogamous" depends on your definition of monogamy - we were, as Dan Savage would put it, "monogamish" fairly quickly - starting with "special guest stars" / swinging / FWB (as a couple) from about years 4 through 9-10 of our relationship, then a few years of monogamy for life stuff and for childbearing, and then we started *emotional* poly about 4-5 years ago now.

Just clarifying! Thanks for the compliment on my writing, Shaya!
 
This is why we need longer edit windows. Thanks guys.

Because it's relevant to the thread, do you mind me asking, Icesong (or anyone else, really), if you feel going from monogamy, to swinging/FWB and doing this over several years before going to the more 'emotional poly'... do you feel this helped you and Knight do poly more easily? I've been thinking that monogamy to poly is tough and was wondering if you thought monogamy to swinging/FWB then to poly would be any easier due to the stepwise approach of dealing with sexual insecurities before emotional insecurities.
 
I think it depends on the individuals. For instance, some people are probably better than others at not getting emotionally involved. Either that, or, say, swinging evolves into poly when the participants do get emotionally involved. Depending on the individuals of course.
 
For future people reading this that are new to polyamory, I'd like to point out that my selection of relationships here seem to bias longevity as a measure of the quality of the relationship. This is a very monogamous way to view things, and shows my inexperience in polyamory.

If you are thinking of polyamory and your current relationship (or your new potential lover's current relationship) is flawed, has problems or unresolved baggage, or God forbid is abusive, consider pausing your quest for polyamory and spend time to fix the current one before adding a second. Adding a new relationship is unlikely in this situation to increase the longevity of your first relationship. In addition, the breakup if it happens is likely to be more painful than most breakups (or as some counsellors in the literature have warned, the breakups in these situations tend to explode more spectacularly than they otherwise would).

If your current relationship has unresolvable problems due to monogamy and you wish to use polyamory to fix it, i feel that the single most useful polyamorous advice actually lies in the understanding that longevity is a poor measure of relationship quality. A fair number of polyamorists on this forum seem to have entered polyamory resulting in the destruction of an old, long term but less than ideal relationship. In the end, many in this situation say they feel better off now, healthier, in their new relationship. However, going from monogamy to polyamory only to end up terminating the original relationship is like using polyamory as "the soft transition to serial monogamy." I feel that doing so can be both more hurtful than it needs to be and potentially unethical to the parties involved.

In summary, many on this forum would advise against doing polyamory to save an existing monogamous relationship. Longevity of a relationship can be overvalued in society sometimes. Polyamory focuses relatively more on the qualiy of the relationship. If you feel your monogamous relationship is lacking something, I feel that using polyamory as an experimental fix is more likely to lead to a painful breakup. After all, if you have problems in one relationship, imagine how many problems you can have with two. You will also have half the allotted time to solve those problems. Polyamory takes a lot of time and effort to learn. If you're willing to spend that much time and effort, consider spending it first on fixing your monogamy, or if it is unfixable, consider separating cleanly and then starting polyamory from fresh.

My advice comes with my usual disclaimer that I'm not actually polyamorous and may have little idea about what I'm speaking on. I will always be grateful for the feedback from more experienced polyamorists if I have failed to understand something properly.
 
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I personally have never used to Poly to fix a broken relationship. I have often had poly, fall into my lap, in unsual ways, that I did not expect, and so its more like trying to stop being an artist for me. I can run from who I am but I never land too far away from my nature. It's being in line and ok with my nature that seems to be the biggest problem for me.

Polyamory is not easy, and it is akin to adding a baby to an existing relationship. That I did do, twice, with disasterous results on all of us and a lot of heartache. So I do agree with shaya that it is not a good idea to explore poly to fix a relationship, unless the only reason is sexual and you're both dealing with the emotional fall out of that healthily, - but truthfully its not our place any of us to dictate how to do poly here... Shaya, only to give advice from our own perspectives and experiences.

So i'm not sure where the displaced anger is coming from.

People will be people, making human infallible mistakes time and time again.
 
Yah, longevity is not a good measure of "success." Plenty often, it's a symptom of deep-seated fear of being an individual, or some other form of fear (being without that other income, custody fights, being hunted down & shot...).

As well, I point out that commitment (being so loosely/"flexibly" defined) is not automatically superior to "casual" or FWB relating.

Neither is cohabitation (living together) somehow morally edifying. I've seen dozens of great dyads blow up because they turned out to be totally incompatible as roommates.
 
She has not been posting much recently, after having had TWINS - but you might be interested in reading Phy's Story as another example of previously mono (for 11 years) turned cohabitating V and quite successfully.:) She started posting in 2011 and the twins were born in August 2013.
 
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This is why we need longer edit windows. Thanks guys.

Because it's relevant to the thread, do you mind me asking, Icesong (or anyone else, really), if you feel going from monogamy, to swinging/FWB and doing this over several years before going to the more 'emotional poly'... do you feel this helped you and Knight do poly more easily? I've been thinking that monogamy to poly is tough and was wondering if you thought monogamy to swinging/FWB then to poly would be any easier due to the stepwise approach of dealing with sexual insecurities before emotional insecurities.

As with everything here, the answer to that is more about nuance than a yes or no. There are pros and cons to going from mono to poly via baby steps, as it were.

Pros:
  • You can learn to deal with the initial jealousy with a bit less likelihood of hurting a partner badly. If you have an explicitly-defined-as-sex-only partner, they are FAR less likely to be affected by drama between you and your previously-mono partner caused by your sexual relationship.
  • It does *feel* more secure, to begin with, for new relationships to have a very specific set of rules and guidelines.

Cons:
  • When you do move on to emotional poly, you think you're FAR more experienced than you are so you can get blindsided by being jealous, after all, when you think you won't be.
  • Falling in love with someone else for the first time - being in love with two people - can still completely rock your world even if you've had sex with 20 other people and it didn't change your relationship with your primary partner.
 
Thanks icesong, I felt that was very succinct and complete. And while it may look obvious to all you practicing polyamorists on here, it still feels like a revolutionary idea to me.
 
Another example with an older woman, married for 30+ years, 2 years open relationship. The relationship seems to have been opened due to a difference in sexual drive.
 
As with everything here, the answer to that is more about nuance than a yes or no. There are pros and cons to going from mono to poly via baby steps, as it were.
I feel like the "cons" list should also include the common warning that people can't always control their feelings. Love can ensue very rapidly even "against the rules" ... and what do you do then? ;)
 
We both came from prior marriages that had been completely, traditionally monogamous for many years. Our transition happened near the very beginning of our relationship, but we were both interested in - and open to - poly based on early readings that had influenced us (Robert Heinlein).

We were both dating other people when we met 17 years ago (late 30s, mid-40s at the time), and at the point we began to discuss being exclusive a few months later, she (S) said she’d still like to date another guy (J) she’d been seeing. I responded that I (K) had just started dating another woman (L) who intrigued me, so proposed that if we were ALL open to the idea of continuing to date and not be exclusive, we’d pursue that – otherwise, we’d be exclusive. So we proposed the idea to the others, who were interested. We all got together to discuss how it would work. There weren’t many rules – just that if we dated outside our group, we’d take proper precautions and let the others know.

This was a primary-secondary model, as the others weren’t interested in being primary, and our secondaries weren’t interested in each other, but were friendly and shared numerous interests, so we could all get together and enjoy each other’s company, particularly on holidays. We enjoyed this arrangement for about a year, then her bf/secondary met someone and wanted to be exclusive with her (eventually married her), and soon after that mine met someone as well, but that was temporary and we continued in a semi-poly, semi-FWB arrangement with her for many more years. Happily, we’re all still good friends, and see them occasionally. At first there were some growing pains, and some minor jealousy to overcome, but none of us had much trouble with anything – I think we were exceptionally fortunate, helped by all being good communicators.

Then we moved far away, and had no luck finding any poly partners in the new location. We decided that swinging would be fun, though, and did that for many years - and yes, it was fun! After that ran its course, we agreed to have an open relationship and mostly date separately, but occasionally. While no longer actively seeking and pursuing poly relationships, we would go there again if we found the right person(s). I had a FWB (B) for five years that was edging towards poly, but then she met someone who wanted monogamy, and she decided to go with that. These days we’re effectively monogamous - with some very occasional forays into non-monogamy of various kinds.

It seems we’ve done things in reverse!

__________________________________
K – me, hetero/M/60s, married to S
S – wife, hetero/F/50s
J – former bf of S, hetero/M/50s
L – former gf of K, hetero/F/60s
B – former gf/FWB of K, hetero/F/30s
 
I don't know whether my experience helps or not... Hubby and I have been together for 9 years, married for 7. We were monogamous until 4 years ago. We opened to address some incompatibilities; or, rather, Hubby suggested I see other guys to address some needs and wants I had that he didn't feel he could address. For the first six months it was an open marriage that was supposed to be just sex and maybe friendship, but then I fell for a guy I was seeing occasionally, and Hubby put the label "polyamory" on it. That guy and I were together for about a year and a half. My second boyfriend and I were together a year. My current boyfriend and I have been together nearly 2 years.

Hubby doesn't see anyone else; he considers himself monogamous.

My current blog in the blogs section doesn't talk about any of the beginnings of this. Somewhere a few pages back in that section, my original blog is probably still there; I had to have one of the mods delete several months worth of posts last year because reasons.
 
This is why we need longer edit windows. Thanks guys.

Because it's relevant to the thread, do you mind me asking, Icesong (or anyone else, really), if you feel going from monogamy, to swinging/FWB and doing this over several years before going to the more 'emotional poly'... do you feel this helped you and Knight do poly more easily? I've been thinking that monogamy to poly is tough and was wondering if you thought monogamy to swinging/FWB then to poly would be any easier due to the stepwise approach of dealing with sexual insecurities before emotional insecurities.

Cat and I were monogamous from the time we started living together, with the exception of some threesomes. We never did the swing thing. She was in an open relationship when we first got together. None of that made poly any easier. It's a whole different thing when the possibility of other relationships enters into it. For us it was, anyway. That's the simple answer. the reality is much more complicated.
 
Here's one where the husband in a marriage admitted to bisexual tendencies, so they opened to a beautiful triad that lasted 6 years, ending with boundary crossing by the husband and jealousy issues. Children seem to have suffered from the fallout. The remaining 2 in the triad choose monogamy for now.
 
Found another. I find Hyperskeptic to be extraordinarily intelligent and to have entered polyamory with his wife in the best of circumstances - no cheating, no entering it for a third person already in mind, spending many months to research it first. Hyperskeptic has multiple blogs, but you see joy even a year into polyamory over here. Roughly 18 months into polyamory, Hyperskeptic rejects polyamory for himself. I love his discussion on an ethical monogamy in post #26. The next few years come accross as confusing as Hyperskeptic develops a romantic interest in Metis but still wishes to remain monogamous, culminating in a post on his vicarious non-monogamy. Sadly, 6 years into polyamory, things are looking difficult between him and his wife. I'm sure there are many reasons, but one that stood out to me (and taught me something) was that Hyperskeptic chose monogamy because he felt it was more ethical - although he doesn't say it, that surely implies that he feels on some level that his wife is being unethical. His blog highlights how difficult mono/poly relationships can be. I find Hyperskeptics writings interesting because they show a great deal of self reflection and personal growth that polyamory commonly brings, along with demonstrating the way we change as we go through life and relationships.
 
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