Raising our children

BathedInSalt

New member
I'm not sure where this belongs so I'm going to post it here.

On my life's journey it would have been so great to know certain things about myself before making big life choices.
I lacked the self-awareness, the access to information, and the support.

I committed my life to others before knowing myself fully.
I know I'm not the only one.

I spent years processing my bi-sexulaity and didn't accept it until I was in my 3rd marriage.
Now I wish to hell I had known about Polyamory and realized it resonating with me before I was married the first time.
Dean didn't sign up for this version of me.

That's all sidebar to what I really want to talk about.

How do we teach our children self awareness? How do we provide access to information and support?
I want my girl to have better chances than me at knowing who they are.
I want them to know how many different people live and relate.
I want them to learn how to look inside themselves, to trust what they find, to openly communicate with trusted mentors/parents.
I want them to know they can be who they are, whatever that is.

I want to nip this in the bud.
I want more for them than what I had.

I'm asking this here, because you/we have a unique perspective on this and I bet some helpful guidance.
 
Hi BathedInSalt,

Honestly, I don't know what you can do other than sharing what you know with the kids. You can't be a perfect parent, there are things the kids will have to find out on their own. Luckily polyamory isn't one of those things. You know about polyamory, so now you can tell them about polyamory.

We live in a new world, with access to the internet and all kinds of information. Sometimes this is a mixed blessing, but one good thing is that it gives the kids a much better chance of discovering things that today's adults couldn't have hoped to have known until now. I guess the important thing is to give our kids good reason to trust us, so that they'll come to us when they have questions or problems.

Other than that just make a determined effort to encourage them to be self-aware, to know who they are, to know how many different people live and relate, to look inside themselves, to trust what they find, to openly communicate with trusted mentors and parents, to know they can be who they are, whatever that is. Encourage them in all these areas ... and have confidence that they'll work things out in their own lives.

Just some thoughts.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Very good questions!

My only answer is to offer as much possibilities as I can. Let the children decide for themselves, let them choose even the kind of thigs someone says is bad for them. The child has a penis? Give them dresses and baby dolls and teach them to knit.The child has a vagina? Take them to ice hockey games and incourage them to fight the monsters with swords and buy them a toy truck. Let them choose if they want to do these things, but give the opportunity, equally for every child. Never make assumptions. Balance the message they get from the society. How would they know what they like if they are only engouraged to do a limited number of things?

And when someone says you are wrong, that your kid is wrong to do something, DEFEND them. And discuss why people see the world differently. And discuss about all the possibilities there are, and about the reasons why they want to do certain things. Listen to them. Let them know they can choose.

And that little voice in you head, saying I'm wrong? Kill that. Kill it when your kids are still young, so it's not there anymore when we are talking about something bigger than dresses and toy trucks.
 
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I committed my life to others before knowing myself fully.
I know I'm not the only one.
<snip>

Dean didn't sign up for this version of me.


I think the biggest thing you can teach them is that there will never be just ONE version of you. The New York Times riffed on this recently - https://www.nytimes.com/2017/04/21/...stay-married-embrace-change.html?mcubz=0&_r=0 - but it's not just there that I'e been thinking about it. The Disney version of life is "hit a milestone, then happily ever after"... clearly that's not realistic, and just as clearly that's astonishingly hard to fight as a mental construct. Maybe if you start from childhood...
 
I watched my mother graduate from community college when I was in middle school. I had watched my mom study in the evenings just before I went to bed. I had seen her do research at the local library. So I got to see not just the end product - the degree - but also all work and dedication she put into that degree.

I've never forgotten it. I remain so proud of my mom. And I have prioritized education in my life in part because of my mom's example.

Long story short? Be the values you want your children to have. That is truly the most long lasting way to show children what is important, how to figure out how to behave, to make moral judgements, to have a personal compass, to be open to new things and people, to value others even if they are different. You are already doing this, although you may not realize that. Just do it as consciously as you can.
 
I'm not a parent but I'll be soon. :) My answers are based on my experiences as a child.

How do we teach our children self awareness? How do we provide access to information and support?


Discussions. Have lots of discussions. Let them find their places in this world. Bring age appropriate topics. For example, WWII. Asked them about their opinions, the reasons behind their opinions, the benefits etc. If they are aware of their surroundings they'll try to relate. If something is going on in your area, talk to them about it. Do not put your opinion on the table in the beginning of any discussion. Let them provide theirs.


I want my girl to have better chances than me at knowing who they are.


I've seen lots of rich people give their children whatever they can. They also become shield and cushion. When these children grow old sometime they fail. Because not everyone is loving, caring and selfless like their parents.

Challenge your children.


I want them to know how many different people live and relate.


You have to introduce your children to different people, different ways of lives... diversity. They need to know what benefit team work can bring.


I want them to learn how to look inside themselves, to trust what they find, to openly communicate with trusted mentors/parents.


Failure is the pillar of success. Let them fail while you are around to protect and support them. Feedback. Show them different paths and let them make the decision. If you know a decision they have made is wrong then have a discussion.


I want them to know they can be who they are, whatever that is.


Self-confidence. Success after struggle.

Sometime I wonder how my parents did it. Raising a child is not a easy job.
 
These are great thoughts.
I'd love to hear more.

To answer myself I would hit on many of the same items.
When I was pregnant with my first child I didn't have a village. My parents and extended family are full of influences I didn't want her to have.
I sought out my village and I think I've done a pretty good job. I expose them to different types of people, we talk about all types of families. When they express heteronormative (I'm not sure I'm using this word correctly, please help) ways of thinking I bring up other ways.
For example my 4yr old is playing at being pregnant often lately so she'll talk about being married to a man before she has a baby. So we talk through play about other possible scenarios.
Dean's the only man in the house so he gets asked to be hitched quite a bit. Another opportunity through play to talk about different possibilities.

The thing I hope I'm modeling is self awareness.
I hope I'm modeling body positivity.

I encourage their self-possession and introspection, their emotional intelligence and how to exercise that muscle.

I suppose I will always worry.
With three girls the stakes are so high.
 
You have three girls? Any boys? I'm curious/can't recall.

I think you are using heteronormative correctly.
 
Wiktionary says, "Of or pertaining to the practices and institutions that privilege or value heterosexuality, heterosexual relationships, and traditional gender roles as fundamental and 'natural' within society."
 
I'm reallyreally liking what Alba said. Wishing only to add some thoughts.

People have given me crap about how I speak to my cats in a conversational tone -- "It's not like they understand!!"

Oh, :rolleyes:. So then I use a cat's name casually, & from across the house we can hear an answering "Miaw!" & the cat comes trotting happily into the room. Every cat in my life has responded well to direct speech, some amazingly.

I steadfastly refused to baby talk my children; while avoiding big words & complex structures, we got rid of "down-talking" & nonsense words. As a result, my kids demonstrated not only very high verbal ability from the beginning, with a distinct lack of imposed speech impediments, but they were also able to take on complex concepts at an early age.

We didn't worry about gender-neutral stuff like toys & clothing, but let them enjoy their own explorations. Watch "Adam Ruins Summer Fun" for a delightful segment on how the gender gulf was fomented.
 
I steadfastly refused to baby talk my children; while avoiding big words & complex structures, we got rid of "down-talking" & nonsense words. As a result, my kids demonstrated not only very high verbal ability from the beginning, with a distinct lack of imposed speech impediments, but they were also able to take on complex concepts at an early age.

We didn't worry about gender-neutral stuff like toys & clothing, but let them enjoy their own explorations. Watch "Adam Ruins Summer Fun" for a delightful segment on how the gender gulf was fomented.

I've experienced the same thing with my children as far as baby talk. We talk to them like adults taken into consideration their developmental stage. It's worked out very well. I have petite children who use big words and create complex sentences. These tiny people sharing complex ideas is a-ma-zing!

We are conscious about gender neutral toys, clothes, movies, etc. but the bulk of their things are pink...pink happens. They still pretend to be princesses, get married, and have babies (like mom did).
They also play with trucks and superheroes, wear "boys" clothes, get "boys" haircuts sometimes. Pick out "boy" sneakers instead of the "girly" ones.
With the lack of men in the house, we purposely get "boy" toys, just to provide the opportunity for other type of play. I don't think we are too crazy about it all though, it mostly happens naturally.
 
pink-and-blue-Franklin-Roosevelt-2.jpg


Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

:D
 
Also, don't they have to sit there for a million years to get a picture taken back then?
Oh, you mean like back in the 1870s. :rolleyes: I've no idea what that has to do with ANY of the foregoing, but okey-dokey then... :D

FFI, Breeching (boys) --
From the mid-16th century[1] until the late 19th or early 20th century, young boys in the Western world were unbreeched and wore gowns or dresses until an age that varied between two and eight. ...relatively subtle differences usually enabled others to tell little boys from little girls.

The change was probably made once boys had reached the age when they could easily undo the rather complicated fastenings of many early modern breeches and trousers. ... Dresses were also easier to make with room for future growth, in an age when clothes were much more expensive than now for all classes. The "age of reason" was generally considered to be about seven, and breeching corresponded roughly with that age for much of the period.
We have studio photos of my maternal grandfather, before & after his first haircut -- long, wavy, well-maintained locks he had. That would've been ~1920.
 
Oh, you mean like back in the 1870s. :rolleyes: I've no idea what that has to do with ANY of the foregoing, but okey-dokey then... :D

FFI, Breeching (boys) --

We have studio photos of my maternal grandfather, before & after his first haircut -- long, wavy, well-maintained locks he had. That would've been ~1920.

There used to be a textile museum in Lowell, MA. Lowell was mostly a mill town, mostly textiles, during the Industrial Revolution. There was an exhibit of old fashions there. I saw several boys' dresses from the late 19th or early 20th centuries. They were a bit more tailored than girls' dresses.

Of course, after being put in dresses, boys went to short pants, and usually didn't graduate to long pants until adolescence.

Putting any child in a dress made sense when you think about using cloth diapers.

And yes, people rarely smiled in Victorian photographs because of the long exposure time, the need to sit still. A smile might fade or change during the shoot, so people rarely smiled for the camera. They just went with resting bitch face lol

Prior to dinged's complaint, this thread was very heartwarming!
 
While likely in strong sunshine, this one's from 1853
%27Willy%27_smiling._Mary_Dillwyn_Col._1853.jpg


By 1884, photo technology had advanced greatly, & exposure times were declining. (If you look at old portraits, note how their eyes look oddly cloudy; this is due to blinking. Higher-end studios would occasionally retouch the eyes.) The various clamps & supports were pretty much obsolete. Lighting became more naturalistic.
 
Prior to dinged's complaint, this thread was very heartwarming!

I asked a question ? I didn't complain.

Someone went to great expense and a fair bit of trouble to make old FDR look like a party doll ...I think he looks lovely I'm surprised that tradition / ritual fell out of favor. I think it is heartwarming :D. I love the hat ...I'm sure there must be a shot of him wearing the hat. Maybe that's why he looks unhappy he wanted to wear the hat instead of just holding it.

I have boxes of old family photos from that era I'll have to check and see if I can find any males in party dresses like that. :D
 
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