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MattMeadBrewer

New member
Hello everyone i am new here as well as fairly new to the lifestyle, but im having a slight problem. Ive always understood that consent was a big part of being poly, and i love sharing my girl who already has previous partners, however we got serious fast and are already dating and not just playmates. My problem arises in the fact that a few of her previous playmates are not okay with me being involved in their activities at all, and i feel like i need to be involved or i feel left out, unwanted, jelous, and hurt. I feel like if im not there and dont consent to sexual activities without me there then i am being cheated on, and not treated equally or fairly. Am i in the wrong here? I know we need to discuss thd situation further but i feel like if i dont give consent then it should not be happening. Am i an asshole here? Is there something im missing? Or is my viewpoint fair and reasonable. Thank you all for any help or even opinions you have to give, and dont hold anything back i need the truth not just what people think i want to hear, i really want to make this work but of consent is such a big part of poly and i do not consent, whats the next step? Again thank you all for any responses
 
Consent goes both ways. If her other lovers don't want to do MFM 3way sex, that is their right.

If your gf wants to do one on one sex with you, AND one on one with her other partners, that is HER right.

If you want to request she only do 3way sex with you included, with her other partners, of course, it's your right to request that... but it seems you've already got your answer.

Polyamory does not generally include group sex. So, it's up to you to negotiate this with your gf. Most poly people date and have sex individually with their partners. Group sex is rather rare actually.

if you need help with jealousy, there are many threads here about it.
 
Thank you very much your response is extremely helpful and gives me another viewpoint to consider and think about, i dont want to limit her or take any lovers away, i love that she has other lovers, and love her to be pleasured, and we have had group play with a couple of her previous lovers and i had a great time and came out of it happy and satisfied, but our relationship is still new and i have no other partners at the moment, so being left out at this point in time hurts. It makes me feel useless, and unwanted, we have talked about this and ive told her that when i do have other partners to call on, and other options then at that point in time going out without me wont bother me, but im not in the right headpsace to mentally handle that at this point in time, but i have my own mental illness ive been working on my whole life. I expected poly to be hard, and obviously life is hard as well, but mix in schizophrenia and thats a whole nother level of hard. Do you think im being an asshole about the situation?
 
Hi MattMeadBrewer,

It seems that you've come into a situation where what you want, and what your girl's previous playmates want, are incompatible with each other. (I am assuming that your girl is fine with both individual sex and group sex, but let me know if I am mistaken.) Without their consent, you cannot/must not have group sex with them. What you have to do now is, figure out whether you can stand to continue dating your girl given those restrictions. Unless she is willing to stop having sexual activities with them, and I get the impression she's not willing. If you decide you want to keep dating her in spite of all this, you will have to handle the painful feelings that you have. (You feel like you're being cheated on, etc.) It's a bum deal for you either way, but there isn't much you can do. Nonconsent is nonconsent.

Sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear. :(
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
Hey there Matt,

Having thought some more about it, I think I can see your side a little clearer. That is, if your girl is playing with other people and you don't consent to that, then your girl is not practicing polyamory with you (by definition). In any case, you and I have exchanged some PMs and it sounds like you've mostly got the problem worked out. Carry on, and keep us posted if you're willing.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
MattMead,

No, I don't think you're an asshole.

But I do think, or rather, know, that if you want to do polyamory, and you have a long time partner, there will always be a time when one of you has another partner, while the other doesn't.

You can't expect things to be always equal and balanced. Dating requires patience and work.

I have been with the same poly partner for over 8 years. There were times when I had 2 bfs and she didn't have one. For the past year, I had no other lover, while she has had a bf going on for 4 years now. I took time off dating to deal with a serious illness.

I know you are feeling envy, and "what's in it for me if I can't watch my gf have sex with another man?" This is more of a swinger's attitude, the idea of exhibitionism, voyeurism and group sex. In poly, quite often the poly couple date others individually, so there is none of that going on.

Many learn to develop compersion, the ability to be happy when your partner is happy. You don't expect to be in the room with her when she's fucking someone else. You just work on finding your own partner or partners. And when you aren't on a date yourself, you keep yourself busy with hobbies (especially those your partner may not love), platonic friends and family, exercise, eating well, maybe taking a nap, getting out in the world where you might meet someone, browsing dating apps and chatting with new people, and treating yourself as your own best friend.
 
If you're not comfortable, you're not comfortable. That doesn't make you a D. Talk to her. Work something out with her. Make sure you're 100% comfortable with what you two work out, anything less can breed resentment.
 
I guess my biggest question on the aspect of consent is does that mean all lovers must be known about and consented too, or is it okay to just have lovers without the consent of your significant other/'s?
 
That depends upon the agreements you have in place with your SO. If you want to prevent her from taking lovers without your explicit individual consent then you can tell her that. She, in turn, can either agree or tell you to take a hike. There's no official "right way" written down in a rule book somewhere that you can point to in order to force her to do it the way you prefer.
 
I have to admit that the word asshole did come to mind as I was reading your initial post. Then I thought about it and realized you are just not poly. Yet, anyway. You are more like a swinger, having to be there when your partner is having sex.

Consent isn't a weapon you can wave around to get your way. Just because you don't consent to something doesn't mean your partner has to change their behavior. They can just walk away.

People have various degrees of consent. Some people just consent to their partner having other partners, others want a little more control over it. IMO, the former is the best, the latter is a recipe for disaster. There is no poly model in which there is no consent given for either partner to have other relationships.

I think you have a lot of reading up on poly to do before you decide if you want to be poly or not.
 
Thank you for your input, a big part of it is concern for her safety if i dont know a partner, if i knew them then not being there wouldnt bother me, but when i know literally nothing about a guy, and i cant be there, paranoia kicks in and i worry about her safety, amongst other things. So is it really too much to ask to either be there a few times, or get to know the lovers i cant be involved with before being excluded? And i didnt expect anyone to have specific answers, was just looking for info and viewpoints. And to say i am not poly is not fair to me and a bit of a stretch when you dont know much about me, i dont judge you and say you are or are not this or that with minimal information so i would appreciate you not doing it to me. Thank you
 
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So is it really too much to ask to either be there a few times, or get to know the lovers i cant be involved with before being excluded?
You can ask for anything you want, but be aware that the answer you receive may be "No".

Edit because I'm sure that by "is it too much to ask?", you mean "tell me It's reasonable to expect": No, if it hasn't been discussed and freely agreed to, it is not reasonable to expect that your GF will introduce you to her other partners, let alone invite you to watch her have sex with them. If you want that you will have to negotiate for it both with her and with her other partners.
 
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Some commenters like to think their way of poly is the only way. While "poly" still covers a lot of arrangements.
Take the advice of internet strangers with a grain of salt...
 
The term does cover a lot of different arrangements, which is why you need to base your poly relationships on explicit agreements; otherwise you may all be working from different assumptions. Don't assume that because "I should be invited to watch by default" seems reasonable to you that it will also seem reasonable to the person you're talking to.
 
She dated and hooked up with guys without you before you started dating her and felt safe enough. Why would her safety be more at risk now? In my experience, women usually have a safety plan in place - meet in public first, make sure a trusted friend knows where you are, only go somewhere private once you've assessed the situation. It usually works.

Honestly, I think you're making her sex too much about you. Unless she wants to be a swinger and do everything as a couple (nothing wrong with that, I loved my time swinging), you're going to have to try to accept that she loves you but is still going to spend time with other friends. It might be easier if you separate the sex. Like... Are you reacting differently when she goes out with Brad v when she goes out with Betty? Just because sex might happen? Then maybe stop asking about the sex. Trust her to be safe, just like she was before you were in the picture. Just think of her time as "out with friends" instead of "fucking without me." Easier said than done, I know, but a useful goal maybe?
 
Hi Matt

Thank you for your input, a big part of it is concern for her safety if i dont know a partner, if i knew them then not being there wouldn't bother me, but when i know literally nothing about a guy, and i cant be there, paranoia kicks in and i worry about her safety, amongst other things. So is it really too much to ask to either be there a few times, or get to know the lovers i cant be involved with before being excluded? And i didn't expect anyone to have specific answers, was just looking for info and viewpoints. And to say i am not poly is not fair to me and a bit of a stretch when you don't know much about me, i don't judge you and say you are or are not this or that with minimal information so i would appreciate you not doing it to me. Thank you

If you are worried in that way about her Safety and she doesn't.,.. There is reason for that?
Think about it....
1. She knows them well enough and long enough.. They are safe!
2. She has a plan for her safety if it's the first meet... Remember she met many people before she met you... 3. And she met you too... And had a safety plan
4. She just likes the thrill of meeting new and many... Which is her thing and Not yours... You have to accept that or move along!?

Matt, do you like her for her? Or what you want her to be?
Was part of the getting to know you negotiables girlfriend promising to change for your liking, comfort, growth, or changing any time you need it?
 
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Some commenters like to think their way of poly is the only way. While "poly" still covers a lot of arrangements.
Take the advice of internet strangers with a grain of salt...

Matt referred to himself as his gf's previous "playmate" and to her other partners as her "playmates." This would indicate that these relationships are based on sex first, not on love or emotions as in polyamory.

Added to that, Matt and his "girl" were "playmates" that got serious. It seems now that he has deeper feelings for her than just lust, he wants more commitment from her, in the form of strongly requiring her do MFMs with her other playmates.

He is envious, he feels left out of the group sex fun, and is confusing polyamory with aspects of swinging.

I think it is important to make the distinction between polyamory, based on love or at least fond feelings, with swinging, where the emphasis is on sex first.

You don't get to automatically have group sex when you're trying to be polyamorous. You don't get to intrude in upon your partner's relationship(s), or sex life, with her other partners.

Even in swinging, there is a matter of consent. Even at a swingers' event, you may get to watch other people fucking, but you don't get to touch anyone without their consent. And you're asked to leave most swinging places and never come back, if you're one of "those guys" who insists on touching others without their consent.

There is no one way to do poly, so quit making those accusations. There is, however, an expectation of negotiation and consent around EVERYTHING. And renegotiation when necessary, if desires or tastes change or develop.
 
He changed his mind. People do that. She can leave the relationship, or work something out with him.
The only way to do that is for the OP to talk to her, not internet strangers that tell him he is wrong for not doing it the way they do.
 
Some commenters like to think their way of poly is the only way.
Yes. With reason. As you'd know if you had a clear understanding of polyamory.
While "poly" still covers a lot of arrangements.
No. It doesn't. At least, not as you seem to be asserting. Reread previous statement.
Take the advice of internet strangers with a grain of salt...
You do realize the definition of "irony," right...?
 
If poly didn't cover a lot of arrangements, your "poly definition" thread would have been short.

It's closed minded and juvenile to think your way is the only way.

Maybe you would know that if you didn't try to bully new members for doing things differently.
 
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