Mono People but In Some Sort of Poly-ish Beginning Situation?

Jpk83

New member
Heres an interesting one. So it seems Ive talked to some friends who are Poly about my situation and it helped a little.

So how this all started, Im mono, my wife and Ive been married for 8years. Im 34, shes 30. We are both monogamous our whole lives. During the 8years like everything else, theres been ups and downs but the recent year or two things have been great, almost as amazing when we first met if not even more.

A 3rd person appeared in our lives 8months ago, a female lets call her N. So N appeared in our lives cause she was taking some private lessons with me and a few weeks later she met my wife. They hit it off right off the bat, talked for like an hour or two.

So long story short, my wife had to leave town for work a couple months after they met. And N broke her leg. So me being a friend, I was checking up on her daily. And our conversations when from once a week to more and more to a point where we were talking online almost every hour of during the day from dusk till dawn. We started hanging out more and more to a point we were seeing each other 5-6 times a week.

My wife also started noticing the closeness but she also loves N as a friend and talk to her pretty often, daily. I told my wife I wanted to confront N and feel theres this strange and intense thing that is going on and I want to know what it is. My wife didnt really agree to it, but I did it anyways. I brought up it to N that I feel this thing which I dont know what it is, I feel our communication has been really intense in terms of just the amount we talk to each other. She agreed that she notices it too but was just cruising with it.

Not long after N confronted me and said she has feelings for me, and I too do think about her almost every minute of the day. But as for my wife scared and heartbroken. All 3 of us spent a few times together talking before I had to leave the country for a trip.

M, J & N. The relationship between me and my wife J is still strong. I love her with all my heart. My relationship with N is intense and I think about her all the time and want to include her in my life as much as possible. The relationship between J & N is crumbling. They are not lesbian and are not dating each other. J is afraid that N is the new girl and will come and take me away, while N feels too much pressure to be normal and friends like how they were before all the emotions were spilled out on the table.

So now we are kinda just stuck in this place, where we are not really poly but it seems like its where its headed but also at the same time I dont think it will work out as a closed triad. Just thinking about Poly just scares me, the thought of it being so loose and open, that that point I feel we might as well just go out and randomly date than be in a committed relationship?

I dont know. But would love to hear some feedback from people here.
 
I'm sorry you are struggling.

I think everyone does poly their own way and for their own reasons. There is no "one right way" to do it. It is all DIY.

You have to figure out what your grouping wants to be doing, how to best do it, and if you even have the willingness/ability required to do it WELL or if it's just going to be a train wreck.

And that means a lot learning and then a lot of talking. There is no fire. You can take the time.

Don't jump into things. Especially with this:

My wife didn't really agree to it, but I did it anyways.

How does that behavior build trust or continue trust? How does that demonstrate you being reliable and steadfast? Any wonder wife is worrying about people stealing you away now? You recently showed behavior like your head can easily be turned and considerations for her will be discarded in the moment.

Sooner or later N might look at you without rose colored glasses and go "hey, if he behaves like that with his wife, when is it my turn to get thoughtlessly dinged?"

Just thinking about Poly just scares me,

Then maybe that's a reason to SLOW DOWN. Finish thinking and not leap to doing all impulsively. We are not children. We are adults.

the thought of it being so loose and open, that that point I feel we might as well just go out and randomly date than be in a committed relationship?

You seem worried that poly means no commitments, no agreements. Well, some people could do it that way if they want to in their grouping. But did it ever occur to you that some poly people do it because they want MORE commitments to uphold? And more people to be committed to?

Again, it is DIY. Each grouping figures out what they want and how they want to be and figures out what their particular agreements are.

You seem to be worried "If this isn't monogamy shape, then how will I know people will honor agreements?"

You will know because you and your people FOLLOW THROUGH on your agreements. They have integrity. Integrity is people doing what they say they will. Being people of their Word. They don't agree to stuff they cannot deliver. They don't make promises lightly. And when made, they honor their promises/agreements.

It's not "say one thing, then go do another." It is not "promise whatever just to get my way, then screw you."

Their "talk" and "walk" match. Every single time, consistently. They are solid, and reliable. That comes from their personal character. It does not come from the relationship shape they are in.

Monogamous relationships have had their share of people who cheat on their monogamous agreements, are not solid, are not reliable. Poly relationships have had their share of people who cheat on their poly agreements too. It isn't like either model is magically "cheater proof."

J is afraid that N is the new girl and will come and take me away.

Well if you jump in doing stuff without her agreement/consent? Any wonder she prefers to blame this new behavior on the new lady? Easier to think the kinda stranger is bananas. Rather than think you went bananas. It's always easier to blame the outsider for "stealing them away" rather than wonder "Why did my partner do such a thing and hurt me?"

Something is being lost if you guys do poly. She loses exclusiveness, dibs on your time, on you, on a previously dreamed future of how things would go. Time, energy, resources, all have to be shared. It isn't like "let's add a person to the marriage." It's more like "Let's break up. On purpose. So we can practice a new model instead. Rebuild from the ground up."

There might not be divorce papers, but EMOTIONALLY it is a break up/loss feeling. Reassure your wife and be ok with the fact that she might be mourning some things. And SLOW DOWN.

, while N feels too much pressure to be normal and friends like how they were before all the emotions were spilled out on the table.

Pressure from who? :confused:

Be ok with it being weird while you figure yourselves out. The "old normal" is gone. The "new normal" isn't here yet. It is normal for it to feel weird. You are people at a crossroads, neither here nor there, but eventually you have to decide which path to take. Be ok being people at a crossroads.

Maybe reading some things helps you figure out if you are really going to try to become a poly grouping or if this is one of those "Nice idea, but we lack the time, energy, skills, resources, and/or abilities at this time to do it WELL and nobody wants to make a big mess. Best just not to go there" type things.

Figure yourselves out. Even if a poly grouping doesn't grow out of this, you will have learned some things about yourselves and each other.

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
https://www.morethantwo.com/

Those are pages that leads to lots of articles. But def read pitfalls and more pitfalls.

I sometimes notice people naive enough to think "We'll just add a third to the marriage" usually also think "If it doesn't work we will just go back to original married couple and the single person. No harm no foul."

Doesn't work like that.

People who understand it more like "We are breaking up our marriage on purpose in order to practice a new model" seem to understand better that if it doesn't work? It might NOT go back to "original." It could be other configurations or even all the way down to everyone single. They seem to tread with more caution and be more realistic.

I'm not trying to be a wet blanket here. Just saying to take your time and not rush stuff. I know you might feel all urgent NRE with N right now. But where's the fire?

You feel scared.
Wife feels scared and heartbroken after you dinged her.
N is feels pressured.

Those things might not feel COMFORTABLE to feel. But they aren't gonna kill you and nobody sounds like they did anything irreparable.

I suggest you apologize to both women for jumping the gun. Wife for not obtaining consent first. And N for maybe leading her to think you are "willing and able and all set to go" when it is more like "not sure willing, not yet able" because you skipped getting everyone's ok first and there still a lot to assess.

They might forgive and give you a pass because it's all new and it's only been 1 ding and everyone is still figuring stuff out.

But you can't go around dinging them all the time and behaving like a bull in a china shop either. Take it slower so you can all get educated, all can breathe a bit easier, and avoid the potential pitfalls.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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Thank you for that reply GalaGirl.

That is amazing. I think that is definitely what I need, to shine the light on the things I cant see and cant figure out. And you are on point that I kinda ding it with the NRE rush.

Even made N felt pressured in some sense that she has to be friends with J again in a short period of time. Because she even ask me if she wasnt able to be friends with J again would she lose me.
 
Actually, it sounds as though you've got a good thing going.

Then again, I happen to enjoy long-term flirtations with close friends -- sort of FWBs without sex.

And that's what you have to define for yourself & then for yourselves. For some lucky few of us, sex is simply an interpersonal transaction -- for most people, it's a HUGE event, & signifies all sorts of Commitment & Seriousness & probably involves life-long primary bonding.

For some, sex is the real goal that nobody's allowed to acknowledge. For others, sex is a necessary step on the Relationship Escalator (hookup, cohabitation, marriage, kids, retirement, death).

Your relationship was evolving very naturally, by your account. Now, you're at the point of wanting to force it, to push it into a mold so it'll align with your preconceptions.

I'd suggest mellowing out. Be calm, keep talking, keep hanging out in twos & threes. DO NOT even consider acting upon any fantasies!!

This is The Voice Of Experience here: ideal circumstances have a strange way of working out, but are damnably impossible to make. Put an absolute moratorium of ANY thoughts of "turning it into something" -- like at least a year -- because once any of you start to poke at it, the fuse is lit & the only sure thing is that you don't know how long that fuse is.

If any of you gets panicky -- likely!! -- then you all ought to take a step back & take slow deep breaths (maybe literally) until you calm down. None of you sounds particularly secure; all of you sound overwhelmed by the potential. I will offer you VERY good odds that if you all simply let the pieces of your subconscious brains get used to the feelings, & push the various parts around until they start to fall together, you might find a nice evolving vee, or quad, or open network.

...in two or three years. ;)
 
I second the above motion

Ravenscroft .. Has great advice!
Just get/let the ladies to relax... And let them get used to themselves and you..too
 
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Hi Jpk83 - just wanted to welcome you to the Forum! I've only been here a few months, after my wife and I transitioned our marriage to poly - so I will leave the advice up to the more experienced veterans. And I do think that GalaGirl and Ravenscroft both made some excellent points for you to consider. Best of luck! Al
 
I wasn't sure if I should start an account and post here to begin with. But I did last night. And even with the few replies I got from here. It has immensely helped me feel better and also realizing I was trying to push it into a mold where as things should be let itself flow naturally.

Thank you so much.
 
Hi Jpk83,

Judging by your first post, it sounds like you are headed in the direction of a V. The two ends of the V (J and N) do not have to be friends or even have any contact with each other. The three of you just have to decide what you all want. The only concern I have right now is that you seem to be moving ahead without J's consent. Slow down and have some careful talks about how you feel. Don't go any further unless and until J consents.

Hopefully this thread is helpful to you so far.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Yes ktd26417

You are right. I am moving forward without J's consent. I think part if it now posting in here I realized its Nre and also the fear of losing this connection I have with N.

But after reading a few replies I am now weirdly more calm and see things more objectively. There is no rush.i don't even think I'm poly or going towards that direction. But on the other hand I don't want to lose this intimacy with N, and it's not even physical.

I'm going with the advise of you guys and just let it breathe and not force it due to fear.
 
Hi there, welcome to the forums. I agree with people who say slow down. From your wife's perspective, polyamory gives you and N something, but gives her very little. Jealousy will pull your wife's emotions and logic one way whilst NRE will pull you the other.

Here are some other examples of couples in long term relationships who have gone down the path of polyamory.
 
Glad you are choosing to slow down and feel calmer as a result. There is no fire here. Let it unfold how it will.

I am moving forward without J's consent. I think part if it now posting in here I realized its Nre and also the fear of losing this connection I have with N.

Are you not afraid of losing/damaging your connection with wife? :confused:

If you go at it all bull in a china shop at home in your marriage? You may or may not get to develop a relationship with N. But what are the odds you piss wife off enough to where she just quits the marital relationship with you. It's NOT like "go back to original married and single person. No harm no foul." Harm CAN be done. And a fed up spouse can choose to leave a marriage grown unbearable.

Just because you got "hired" for the husband job doesn't mean you cannot get "fired" for jerk behavior.

Just like at actual work. Just because you have worked there for 20 years? Doesn't mean you can't get fired if you suddenly start going bull in a china shop at the office making everything hell there.

Being a hinge requires being a good partner to ALL your partners. Not just "the newest partner."

Galagirl
 
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So after taking GalaGirl's advice. I decided to take a breather and just breathe and let things be.

N right now is off the grid due to family emergency. She was suppose to go to on a trip with us next week, which we all had planned many many months ago before everything blew up.

And I was out of the country for a month recently, and maybe I was over excited that J and N will finally have some time together without me there and things will patch up before our trip. But I guess it was too much for N, even J made the effort, it was too much pressure on N and from me to want this thing to work.

I keep analyzing if I couldve done things differently. I dont guilty for having these feelings but I feel sad for making J so sad when she looks at her husband and knowing he is thinking about another lady 24/7, especially that lady is a person she adores so much.

/HeartBreakCity
 
I think mostly pondering if I couldve done something different like never bring up the intensity of the friendship to N to begin with. So she would never had to confess her feelings to me.

And maybe the NRE wouldnt be in flame. Would NRE happen even without confessions of feelings of two people to each other?
 
Im sure nothing can be done from here on in, just let give space and time settle in and unfold itself.

But I feel I have all these feelings and I have nowhere to share it, except here it seems. This forum that I found a few days ago.

NRE, its consuming me but at the same time deep down inside I like the feeling. Its consuming me in a sense where my wife J can see it in my eyes, we talk about the situation almost daily and I end up with some tears that I put these ladies through this. And in my 33yrs of life, I rarely have tears, maybe even super mild aspergers.

And the worst I think was this morning when I woke up and I thought to myself "OK Im not gonna bring up N, Im not gonna bring up the situation even if I think about her and this whole thing every minute". And as I and J started getting intimate half way through sex she brought up how I have not been here mentally the last many days, and at the same time I was thinking about N, not in sexual way but it just back and forth with J bringing up how I wasnt present and me thinking about the NRE, N and the whole thing. It was just really sad in general.

N this whole time have kinda cut off communication with us due to the complexity of the situation and also her family emergency. The last time we spoke she told me she thinks about me every minute of the day. And I think about her almost every minute of the day yet it is causing so much sadness in our lives especially me and J.

Its like I want this to go away and we can just live our lives but I also want N to be still in our lives and this thing hasnt really progressed much for 2 months since I brought it up with N back in June.

Thank you for hearing me out.
 
Also now I feel even when Im talking to any female friends online. I feel a little guilt and scared that they will turn out and evolve into something like this. Which is I know just my own anxiety projecting on it. But I cant help but to reflect.
 
From your description, you're very deep in NRE. I don't know if there's anything you could have done to prevent that. You just have to try your best to think of J sometimes, not always N. Unless J has done something wrong; has she? If not, then she deserves some of your thoughts and for you to be present when you're with her.
 
I think of J too. She has done nothing wrong. And I feel our marriage of 8yrs has been ups and down but the recent year has been the best year of our marriage.

N, I think I guess deep NRE. Its like the moment I open my eyes shes there till the moment I go to sleep. And maybe its also cause she has cut off communication with us for 3 weeks now due to the stress of her and J becoming friends and family emergency. I cant tell if its the lack of communication creating a deeper NRE or its just my mind behaving this way.

Part of me wonder if N is feeling as strong as Im feeling, we did talked about how much we wanted to be in each other's lives. But no communication for the last 3 weeks kinda makes me wonder it might shifted for her. The last time we spoke on the phone for an hour a few days ago, she confess she couldnt speak to me cause she froze up due to pressure of fixing it with J.

Now the worst part of this is the NRE is making me feel so much guilt and feeling bad.
 
Sounds like breaking up with N might be the best thing here, in the long run. I'm not sure.
 
reading through your story, I also have to say that you probably rushed it a bit. Especially the part where all of your three wanted to be really tight.

What I actually could see as a problem is the part, that you (two) where first interested in that person before the topic of a non monogamous relationship ever occurred to you. Did I get that wrong?
That might be the explanation for your wife's fear of loosing you and the feeling of having to befriend and compete with N.
Did you two ever have a talk about what you think you two are capable of loving/admiring?

I mean, my partner and me, we immensely talked about separating attraction and love and agreed on a trial open relationship. And still he feels like he has been cheated on.
 
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