It escalated and it might be the worst fight we had, on the brink of a psychotic breakdown almost, the anger and fear and sadness was so strong I even let her physically hit me to try to keep her safe from herself.
I remember saying to her last night as she picked up my phone. "We wont be able to go back from this if you do this"
And the next moments were few hours of hell on earth.
This is
not ok.
It's not ok for people to hit you.
If your wife is having a nervous breakdown, stop talking poly stuff. It's over, man. Let it GO. If you still need to process it? Find a counselor to process with. Not your wife. Don't torture the woman with it.
Both of you are making this bigger than it needs to be, IMHO. But if you have made it be this big? Start deflating it then. BE FIRM.
She might not love that you stopped talking to her about poly things and just tell her a plain NO when she wants to peek in your phone. In fact, clear the card or get a whole new phone and number. Then there is
nothing to see and she can see you are putting it behind you.
She might not love it when you say "No. This topic is over for me. Us trying to talk together just keeps it going. I'm firmly putting it behind me. It's over. Huge mistake. If you still need to process, I suggest a counselor. If I need to, I will see one. But we cannot talk about it together at this time when it is still so fresh and raw because it just keeps it going and we both need it to STOP. Perhaps one day. But not today."
Be FIRM. You might not like being FIRM.
Do it anyway. Because it takes the pot off the burner so she can hopefully calm down and not trigger over and over. You cannot have reasonable conversation with a freaking out person. If you feel so guilty about putting these people into this? Make up for it with STRONG LEADERSHIP. Stop wallowing. Get on with the cure.
If she is trying to hurt herself again? Or you? Don't let her hit you. Go to the bathroom, lock the door and call 911.
If the crisis has past, but you think she might try again? Ask her to make a doc appointment, ask her to check herself into hospital, make a suicide safety plan. Are you at the involuntary commitment place? What are we talking about here? Really pissed and throwing vases at you? Suicide attempts? All the above? Something else?
Clearly, this potential polyship is a bust. Which happens. But to to get THIS cranked up about it? That sounds like health care is needed. And that has to be the new priority #1 --- not chasing NRE fantasies.
I think I shouldnt go on with J anymore, maybe its better if we work out some sort of divorce.
Well, if divorce is in the cards, you can deal with it AFTER the health care crisis is past. One could not pile on MORE stressy things to an already stressy thing.
In crisis, I would "secure the area" first before "leaving the area."
Alternate Path: If I don't want to secure the area or I myself am breaking down and cannot? I would move out to my friends, family, or hotel. Then I cannot be hit. I would call wife's next of kin to deal with her health care crisis. Allow wife to heal on her own in the bosom of her family. Then deal with my own healing.
If we can work it out later, great. If not, file the divorce papers. One thing at a time. But get it together, dude.
Galagirl