Mono People but In Some Sort of Poly-ish Beginning Situation?

Yes we were developing a right friendship the 3 of us (all of us mono) before the topic of poly came up. I started looking it up cause I was getting confuse why I wanted to spend so much time with N. It was very natural development of our friendships.

I feel I might have rushed it but the feelings were overwhelming and it feels it needed to be discuss with N to make sure I'm not making it up in my head.
 
And in my 33yrs of life, I rarely have tears, maybe even super mild aspergers.

Have you see a doc and done the screening thing? Maybe check some support materlal or groups? That could be a positive self care thing to be doing at this time for yourself.

I could see where Asperger could make processing the stress/emotions more "amped up" or "loud" and then piling up because Asperger expression is "hard to get out" or "clogged up." Like it comes in faster than you can clear it out so here comes MORE stress now. (My nephew is on the spectrum and struggles with with emotional things like that.)

You do seem to be taking a 2 month crush thing extra hard. What you feel is valid. It's ok to feel what you feel. But just like... "louder?" Like bad enough to be processing this stuff right now. Without the extra bonus load of it coming in "Asperger Loud?"

Life gets messy sometimes. It's not about being perfect, but about how you handle things. In the grand scheme of things you had a bit of a trip but self corrected pretty fast and don't seem to have hurt self, J, or N horribly. You could be proud of self for that rather than become your own self bully.

Galagirl
 
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I totally understand how it all went down.

But I also understand, that she needs time to process that.
She likes her, you like her. She is happy, that you like her. Than you are honest, that you like her even more. She is happy about your honesty and confused by your feelings. She might actually understand your feelings and might even love you more for being so honest - and that hurts especially when she fears, that you might be getting away from her.

A lot of thinking and talking needs to be done, without pressure or anxiety and impatience. And that is especially hard for you - I imagine.
Did you ever think about keeping a journal? To process your thoughts and feelings, maybe even understand your NRE without putting it all on your wife's plate?
Who does normally start your discussions?
 
I actually talked to a friend last night, and she mention my old blog that I've wrote some stuff that is related to infatuation years ago. I think partially I've been married for almost 8yrs I've forgotten about the experiences and feelings I had almost a decade ago. I probably will go look it up today some old blog of mine.

Might be good to start writing again as well.
 
I actually talked to a friend last night, and she mention my old blog that I've wrote some stuff that is related to infatuation years ago. I think partially I've been married for almost 8yrs I've forgotten about the experiences and feelings I had almost a decade ago. I probably will go look it up today some old blog of mine.

Might be good to start writing again as well.

yes, that's what I was going for. It might help you and takes the pressure a little bit of her.
what I wouldn't be sure of, if and how I would be communicating that with my partner. I mean everyone is inclined to have private thoughts, but in a tense situation, a 'secret' journal could be a bit much. But having her read it, might make her sad as written words are often more devoted, thought trough and idealizing in some kind way (especially with all that NRE).
 
Tonight I feel more annoyed almost angry at the situation and mostly myself and how much time this has taken away from my productivity.

And the thing with N just feels like made up shit from the mind.
 
Tonight I feel more annoyed almost angry at the situation and mostly myself and how much time this has taken away from my productivity.

And the thing with N just feels like made up shit from the mind.

I get that. those thoughts drain so much energy and time. Does your wife know, how you are handling it?
Maybe just minimize it to checking this forum once a day (morning/evening) and writing something down at a second occasion and then - focus and get shit done.

be easy on you: it's not your mind, it's your biology.
 
Me and J are meeting N tonight to get some stuff from her. There hasn't been much communication with her the last 3 weeks.

Me and J have been going through some tough times. Grief, sadness, confusion, anger over the situation.

Now I feel I got my head clearer and a out of Nre it feels.

I still feel a little sad that I let it get this way to this extent. It seems the bond of the friendship between 3 of us is damaged to a point of no return. I anticipated we will lose N.

Life...
 
Sorry things with N didn't go as you would have hoped. :(
 
Sorry, that your are feeling sad.
Maybe try to not overthink it. You all just meed and try to catch up and get a feeling how everybody is doing at the moment - just be in the moment.
All the best!
 
I let it get this way to this extent. It seems the bond of the friendship between 3 of us is damaged to a point of no return. I anticipated we will lose N.
IMO, you're taking on far too much personal responsibility for something that you'd described as highly mutual amongst the three of you. How is it your fault that N "said she has feelings for me" only to leave you hanging then suddenly cut herself off from you?

If there's anything you ought to have done, short of reading her mind (at long distance!), then I seriously would like to know more.
 
Im at a lost of words right now. And I dont think I have anywhere or anyone to share this with.

So last night we were suppose to meet up with N and get some stuff from her. And it will be the first time the 3 of us sat down since she cut us off.

And for some reason I felt it was the end of everything, so in the afternoon I decided to call N and tell her Im sorry for everything and it was me that pulled the trigger and cause us to cross the boundaries by exploring our feelings because me and J are a monogamous couple. She texted me back and said thanks for catching her up on things and wish we could more in a better situation.

Later the that night all 3 of us sat down and talked, tears and lots of emotions for 2hours+. And finally it came to the conclusion that we cared for each other and we part ways with the result of N will give us a break for the time being not forever but temporary to work on mine and J's marriage.

We get home, we talked about it me and J, it felt sad but in a good way. I fell asleep. J has been spiraling and for the 2nd time I think in our 8yrs marriage she took a peek at phone and found the text from N earlier that day. She freaked out and felt that I set her up, and got N ready to say all the right things or something crazy like that. And she felt that I rob her of the sincere moment we had. It escalated and it might be the worst fight we had, on the brink of a psychotic breakdown almost, the anger and fear and sadness was so strong I even let her physically hit me to try to keep her safe from herself. This went on till the sun came up. She later found out earlier text from N from months before how N said she had fallen for me a little the first time we met. It was one of the worst few hours of my entire life I think.

Worst of all I still feel I bear the guilt the most for the hurt that I have cause the other 2 human beings that I care and love with all my heart.

Its a really messed up situation, with it being poly-confused and not handled well on my part.

Right now Im sitting here, I dont even know what to do or say I just feel this extreme sadness. I think I shouldnt go on with J anymore, maybe its better if we work out some sort of divorce. Im so embarass and shame for myself and the decisions Ive made, I tried to be the most honest of myself and feel and express these feelings eventhough it was pushing boundaries and somehow wrecklessly I have hurt people along the way.

Life..
 
Humm

Unless she pays all the bills including all your phone hopefully too! She doesn't have the right to peek in your phone.
If that's how your wife sees it.. As you breaching or setting up,.. That sucks!
Was the agreement made that you didn't contact N without her consent?
Either way... It's the same amount of stress if you stay or divorce! Except
. You can start a new sooner then later if you amicably do the D.

Just ask your wife what she thinks would be best.. Without emotions first!?
Good day hopefully
 
I remember saying to her last night as she picked up my phone. "We wont be able to go back from this if you do this"

And the next moments were few hours of hell on earth.

I did tell her I was going to to cool it off with N mid July, and we did talked. I told her I had no idea of the Ethical Slut book that I read on my trip while I was out of country.
 
Well rest up

If you haven't slept plenty yet? Try to rest up .. Rest up physically and mentally... Spiritually.. As best you can..

Then.. move forward as best as possible.
One of the lady's and I have a bad habit of forgetting not to have anything close to serious talks, about anything, when tired mentally or physically.... It gets .... Well uncomfortable.. Lol. We know all this before hand of course.... Yeah... No one is perfect. We know usually what day of the week it will be.. Typically too.. Lol, Friday nights... We like to take off right after work and drive till we are far enough to feel .. far enough away... And yeah long drive, long day, .... And Kabooms!!!! Awh awh run.. Hide...
Then add three to the mix sometimes... Lol... We get away together sometimes.. Lol... What a get away to start huh..
 
Im at a lost of words right now. And I dont think I have anywhere or anyone to share this with.
That does sadden me. If it was me, I'd need a real-world friend to simply sit with me awhile, maybe watch the baseball game & have a couple of beers, not talking about the troubles, just something to let my head clear a little. I can turn to my brother or my sister -- heck, even my stepmom would support me. I wish that more people were even half so fortunate.

me and J are a monogamous couple.
Yes, that is so. Despite the random claptrap so often parroted in "the community," there's a LOT more to living polyamorously than agreeing with the statement "polyamory sounds like a nice idea." :( And I seriously doubt that your (to be blunt) trainwreck is at all rare.

for the 2nd time I think in our 8yrs marriage she took a peek at phone and found the text from N earlier that day. She freaked out and felt that I set her up
That contains the only statement that immediately rang false for me: I really doubt that it's only the second time. Maybe that you knew about.

And if the exchange was so inocuous as you indicated, then it's on HER to have trumped this up into some sort of massive conspiracy where the two of you are conniving to... hmm, WHAT, exactly? The biggest fault I can see is that you tried really WAAAAAAY to hard to keep everything aboveboard & out in the open.

There's two possibilities here.
One: your beloved wife is inherently batshit crazy, & her apparently wild swings in the past two months reflect some need to control a situation which she didn't really grasp.
Two: you are a skilled malignant narcissist, have been shaping both J & N for some time, & N got snapped out of your Svengali spell by a personal tragedy, which threw the whole plot off the rails. (Apologies: I grew up reading my mom's collection of "psychological thrillers" & we used to spin out plotlines like that to amuse ourselves. :eek:)
She later found out earlier text from N from months before how N said she had fallen for me a little the first time we met.
So, that would be the "third" time then...? Well, anyway, sorry to hear about blowback: I'd assumed the three of you had previously discussed that admission.
Worst of all I still feel I bear the guilt the most for the hurt that I have cause the other 2 human beings that I care and love with all my heart.
No. I do not see it. The only way you could validate that thinking is if you are indeed an evil genius, or have a higher IQ than N & J added together, or are omniscient or at least psychic.

This sentiment is NOT mere "warm fuzzies." STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP, IDIOT. Have a little wallow in the self-pity pool, but then climb up on your feet & start at least TRYING to fix stuff. Unless all the moping your doing about "letting two wonderful people down so badly " is nothing but empty self-aggrandizing bullshit, then you WILL hike up your big-boy pants & move ahead. That means taking care of yourself, & at least trying to take care of the others. That means eating well, trying to rest, getting some exercise, & probably looking for a therapist or two.

I think I shouldnt go on with J anymore, maybe its better if we work out some sort of divorce.
You might in the end be correct. However, in your present mindset, you need to answer the key question: who would this punish more: her, or you?
 
It escalated and it might be the worst fight we had, on the brink of a psychotic breakdown almost, the anger and fear and sadness was so strong I even let her physically hit me to try to keep her safe from herself.

I remember saying to her last night as she picked up my phone. "We wont be able to go back from this if you do this"

And the next moments were few hours of hell on earth.

This is not ok. :eek:

It's not ok for people to hit you. :eek:

If your wife is having a nervous breakdown, stop talking poly stuff. It's over, man. Let it GO. If you still need to process it? Find a counselor to process with. Not your wife. Don't torture the woman with it.

Both of you are making this bigger than it needs to be, IMHO. But if you have made it be this big? Start deflating it then. BE FIRM.

She might not love that you stopped talking to her about poly things and just tell her a plain NO when she wants to peek in your phone. In fact, clear the card or get a whole new phone and number. Then there is nothing to see and she can see you are putting it behind you.

She might not love it when you say "No. This topic is over for me. Us trying to talk together just keeps it going. I'm firmly putting it behind me. It's over. Huge mistake. If you still need to process, I suggest a counselor. If I need to, I will see one. But we cannot talk about it together at this time when it is still so fresh and raw because it just keeps it going and we both need it to STOP. Perhaps one day. But not today."

Be FIRM. You might not like being FIRM. Do it anyway. Because it takes the pot off the burner so she can hopefully calm down and not trigger over and over. You cannot have reasonable conversation with a freaking out person. If you feel so guilty about putting these people into this? Make up for it with STRONG LEADERSHIP. Stop wallowing. Get on with the cure.

If she is trying to hurt herself again? Or you? Don't let her hit you. Go to the bathroom, lock the door and call 911.

If the crisis has past, but you think she might try again? Ask her to make a doc appointment, ask her to check herself into hospital, make a suicide safety plan. Are you at the involuntary commitment place? What are we talking about here? Really pissed and throwing vases at you? Suicide attempts? All the above? Something else?

Clearly, this potential polyship is a bust. Which happens. But to to get THIS cranked up about it? That sounds like health care is needed. And that has to be the new priority #1 --- not chasing NRE fantasies.

I think I shouldnt go on with J anymore, maybe its better if we work out some sort of divorce.

Well, if divorce is in the cards, you can deal with it AFTER the health care crisis is past. One could not pile on MORE stressy things to an already stressy thing.

In crisis, I would "secure the area" first before "leaving the area."

Alternate Path: If I don't want to secure the area or I myself am breaking down and cannot? I would move out to my friends, family, or hotel. Then I cannot be hit. I would call wife's next of kin to deal with her health care crisis. Allow wife to heal on her own in the bosom of her family. Then deal with my own healing.

If we can work it out later, great. If not, file the divorce papers. One thing at a time. But get it together, dude.

Galagirl
 
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really sorry to hear, how your night went down.

As all the others already stated, it is not acceptable to be physical abusive - it might not hurt you, but it crosses a line.

Get some rest. Really. Sometimes we think there is no one around - but that's rarely the case. There are (for sure) people in your life, that will comfort you, without knowing why you are hurt and struggling.

Besides all the advice already given - I would suggest not to run in another direction by proposing a divorce. I mean, she is super angry and upset about you (at this point we need to ignore the point that she is not handling and showing that in a good manner) - but she is honest with you about how she feels.
With you not telling her about that call (and when I started reading you post, that question popped right in my head) and apparently not being totally open, how all of that started - she feels betrayed.
If you now suggest a divorce - that would be like giving up, not honoring her feelings and your relationship and marriage. Being honest about your feelings is scary, just take a look at yourself, how scary it is for you to tell her about your feelings (and I mean all of them). IMO a break or a get away for one of you is a better choice.
But stay available for talking, being honest and open - offer her a 'hot seat' round at a public space where she can ask you and tell you everything she needs to - but in a acceptable manner.

Having written all that: it feels a lot like my situation (minus the more or less on board third party and plus an assumed agreed on trial run for non-monogamy) - and I'm far from solving that. Maybe this is all crappy advice. But this is, how I - as a female who lived monogamous and had a disastrous try for non-monogamy - might feel.
 
A few weeks have passed. I feel I owe so much gratitude to all the people that have replied and I feel I would like to update you on the current situation.

So after that dark night, we continued on our trip without N. I was at lost for the first few days, I kept staring into space lost in thoughts on how everything went so wrong so fast. Replaying everything play by play in my mind and trying analyze where I went wrong and how could I do it any differently.

So after 3 days into the trip I came to acceptance of what and how things are, and all the things that came to play. Up to a point where what are the odds of N's brother getting admitted into ICU cause he was caught up in a fight days before our big trip together and she had to cancel days before.

I accepted it as it all meant to be. I had to focus on what I had in hand, forgiving myself and working things out with my wife of 8yrs, J. I decided to stay focus and present and not to dwell on the lost of N and just being present moment by moment. We managed to work things out during our trip of 12 days.

Now Im back home and the burst of grief and sadness of N no longer in my life hits me from time to time. But Im just pushing through with it. Its heartbreaking but I felt I really did what I could with what I knew.

If I could go back in time and give and advise to myself is I shouldnt have push and pursue emotionally intimacy with N so aggressively due to NRE but let have some space and calm things down.

But alas it is what it is.

Thank you again everyone.
 
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