Mono People but In Some Sort of Poly-ish Beginning Situation?

Wow its been a couple years, thought I revisit this thread.

What happened in the end we cut ties with N, its was heartbreaking. I was crushed and this was in 2017. We moved away to a new city, start over. 2018 was rough, was really depressed, thought of killing myself that summer.

It was a long journey and hard recovery for me and my wife J. Finally after 2years we finally have recovered and moving forward.

Except once in a while Ill think of N like wave crashing down on me. I miss her and being able to talk to her, we text-ed once a year and she finally said to me last summer its easier if we dont communicate cause its not right for me to contact her, which is true.

I guess I have not much place to share how I feel except here. But yea ..
 
Hi Jpk83,

I'm glad you came back to give us an update; I'm very sorry you had to cut things off with N; I know that was a very important relationship to you. I just want to emphasize that I don't think you did anything wrong; you did the best you could with the thoughts and feelings you had; I think the NRE would have overflowed even if you hadn't raised the subject with N. You couldn't have known that N and J would have a falling out; as far as you knew, you had a real shot at a closed triad. It just didn't work out that way, I'm going to call it bad luck. Sometimes you just don't know all the people involved well enough to predict their every move.

It's clear to me that you are still grieving the loss of N, she is still in your heart and there is still an empty place where she used to be. In some ways you probably still wish you could restore your friendship with her. But, after how involved and messy everything became, the friendship was not meant to be. Try not to beat yourself up about it, you didn't do anything wrong. Things just turned out differently than how you were hoping. How all three of you were hoping. N and J just couldn't make it work with each other.

I know you're still hurting right now, but I really hope you'll gain some healing over the years. Grief is a process, it's not something you can force and it takes as long as it takes. This was an extra bad loss for you, so I expect the healing to take an extra long time. I hope you know you're always welcome here on this forum; anytime you need to vent or get advice or just share your thoughts and feelings, we're here to listen, and to sympathize. Hang in there.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you so much for taking the time to write and reply Kevin.

And you are right, it was not meant to be. NRE just kinda overflowed and took over. But then recently Ive been thinking, because Ive been with J for 11yrs now. I have not felt NRE for that long, was it cause it was someone new, something shiny? Hedonic treadmill? Would it be just a cycle? What are your thoughts? Is poly just a hedonic threadmill, we meet someone new and exciting pursue it and after a while it becomes less exciting?

But yea its been almost 3yrs since the split with N. I do grief her, even as a friend someone who was there for me during that time and someone I could call anytime with no judgement. Like you said it does take some years, the grief I had over my fist girlfriend I think lasted 5-6 yrs?

I was thinking as well, thats why people have a family? Have kids? Expanding the love, variation of poly? Instead of a romantic one people expand their unit to a triad but with a kid?
 
Sure those are just some of the ways people can expand their base of support. Humans are a herd animal. And yes, NRE is a cycle, you feel it for one partner and then it fades, then you feel it for another (new) partner, and it also fades. But poly comes in many shapes and sizes, some poly configurations are open, but some are closed. I am in a closed V. The NRE I felt for my partner (the hinge) faded years ago, but I don't go out looking for new partners, and don't feel much if any interest in doing so. NRE has some disadvantages, as you have experienced. I'm not as excited about the relationship I'm in as I used to be, but I am comfortable with it, and I like it that way. NRE doesn't have to be something we have over and over again, but some people do like it like that.
 
I guess it varies from person to person.

But sometimes I cant pin point is the main cause of missing N, is it could be I miss someone that is new in my life that took interest in me after nearly a decade? Or is it because our friendship was so honest that we literally could tell each other everything or maybe I felt safe and I felt I could tell her everything without being judge even an ounce.

I cant tell sometimes if its her I miss or the friendship we had, or the memories that we created in 6 months and the intensity of that within that period.

Sometimes I cant tell if it also because I miss my 20s in a way, a little more wreckless, a little more naive of my own self? I miss that fun energy that was reminded me from NRE.

The transition that I was facing during that time got me a little lost and N came into my life and left..

Thanks for hearing me out.
 
No problem. It seems to me that you and N had (have?) a deeper connection than mere NRE, although NRE and a number of other factors were also at play. Missing your 20's, the memories you created, the friendship you had, the fact that you hadn't experienced NRE in almost ten years, the amount of communication between you and N and the fact that she created a "safe" space for you by not judging you at all ... all of these things played a role in intensifying the NRE, and in creating a bond between you and N that was even stronger than the NRE. Does that make sense? So the grieving period is extra long, and you may never completely heal from that breakup.
 
Yea thats how I felt, I think I also havent had too many relationships in my life. At least like serious ones, the last big one I had was my first girlfriend when I was 18. 3yrs into it she had to leave the country and broke up with me and block me on social media till now which is almost 17yrs now.

The grief I felt was unreal for many years I was sad and down and trying to replace that void with random people I met. It took many years after I finally was able to over it and continue on with my life especially moving from South East Asia to America.

Besides that one big heartbreak Ive actually never been dump again, Ive broken up with people and mostly its my decision to leave those relationships.

So with N, it was short lived, 6-7 months. But yea its hard to describe in words, outside of the NRE, I feel there was minor NRE but alot of it was the innocent friendship that we had and the communication was so easy and I could just be myself without holding back even at that time I felt was I lost in my life trying to find myself again. And even taking out the romantic side or the NRE there was that pure innocent energy in that friendship that now is gone. Its been almost 3yrs? The first year was really difficuly, 2nd year abit better and now its going on 3yrs, the hurt and the pain is no longer there but like I said it comes in waves and I do miss that person or what we had at that time.

Strange, but I guess we can never predict how emotions and relationships unfold even in the shortest time .
 
Yes, it is remarkable and unusual that you had such an intense bond in just 6-7 months, also the NRE was just a small part of what you felt. You had an innocent friendship, and a wonderful bond of communication, where you could share anything and be yourself. I wish you could have that friendship back, alas that is not meant to be. I'm sure you will continue to miss this person going forward, she will always be in your heart.
 
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