Really struggling with a turbulent homecoming

kvb

New member
Hi everyone - So my partner just came home from a long weekend with is OSO and thing are NOT going well. I was hoping to gain some advice/perspective if possible.

Tonight when he returned I was in my room and our 10 year old was in the living room. I heard him come in but didn't run out to greet him for a couple of reasons. One is that usually when he returns from such excursions he likes to put his stuff down/away and catch up with our kid before he checks in with me because he knows how hard I struggle with all of this. The other reason is that I had dyed my hair (dramatically) and wanted to surprise him with it when he came in to say hello. Silly I know...but...it's now the same color it was when we met, which it hasn't been in a good decade or so.

So he finally knocks on my door and asks me if I dyed my hair to which I respond, "yes" and then says "it's crazy" which I am not sure how to take. He tells me he bought some stuff for our child and thought I might want to see our kid open the things he picked up.

So I come into the main room of the house and watch. They were little things, like glasses to watch the upcoming eclipse with etc.

I am overwhelmed with conflicting emotions whenever he comes home, which was also true tonight. All I wanted was to hug him but I couldn't. I have serious issues with not knowing whether he has showered not to mention he came home smelling overwhelmingly NOT like himself which was off-putting.

Usually when he comes back he is pretty good about being empathetic to the reality that it is hard for me. Today that didn't seem to be the case at all, which made things exponentially more difficult for me.

He said that he was upset that I didn't come out to see him when he came in and that although he doesn't expect me to "run up and embrace him" he would like to know that "i care at all" that he is home, which of course I do. I apologized and explained I spent the weekend here reading/talking about all of this and that I even ordered a poly workbook off Amazon. I also told him that from what I have been able to glean that struggling with your SO coming back from spending time with their OSO is not terribly uncommon and that as much as I want to love/celebrate him when he comes home and all the time, I don't know how to in that moment. Though I am working on it.

So from there things just seemed to go downhill dramatically, I am frustrated and really hurting/disappointed.

I told him that I was sorry he didn't get the response he hoped for when he returned but that I am struggling hard and working on it as much/in all the ways I know how. I told him my feelings were a little hurt when the only response he had to my hair was that it was "crazy" because of course I was hoping he would like it.

He had asked if there was anything he could do so I told him that what I really needed right now was some understanding and to feel loved. He said his head is full of "static" and that perhaps it would be best if we didn't continue to talk right tonight...and then announced he was going to bed.

The whole thing is heartbreaking honestly. I have a hard time that he not only didn't acknowledge or thank me for the ability to go away for 4 days while I took care of the house etc. but also that he just decided to go to bed when our kid is still up. This means I have to stay up until our kid's bedtime.

When I mentioned this and told him that would get him to bed he responded that "he didn't trust that..." which I have no idea what to do with...like I wouldn't stay awake to make sure our child got to bed on time!? Of course I would/will.

I don't know what to do with his what seems to be aggression towards me, but knowing he spent the weekend in bed with someone else while I posted here, took care of the house, our child and ordered books to make me better at this is, as much as I don't want it to - it is making me angry.


Our communication totally broke down. I don't know where to go or what to do about it. He said at one point that I could ask for help/we could struggle together but outside having to deal with my emotional upheavals I don't see how this situation is a struggle for him. I said as much but he had no response. I did however, ask him for help and it took him a good half an hour to respond to that. (just as I am asking all of you) What am I missing here? WTF am I supposed to do?

I feel like because I am not great at all of this yet, he is angry and/or disappointed with me. I am working my ass off and it doesn't seem to be enough.
Everyone else in this house has a hell of a lot more fun that I do...why isn't that good enough? I have NEVER gone away for 4 days...hell...even 2 days.

All I wanted was a little understanding and affection, am I being too demanding here?? Everything I said tonight was wrong or inadvertently inflammatory even though it wasn't my intention at all.

I'm totally lost and feeling really vulnerable and scared. Advice/perspective is greatly appreciated. Thanks.
 
Humm

Scared of what?
Feelings don't pay the bills... Unless you're an artist!?
Usually.
So, while feelings have their place... Sometimes it's better to just cool... Let time pass till you know you can effectively communicate feelings and direction.
And take it easy on both of you! Really...

It doesn't sound like your willing to just walk out on the situation any time soon? Or that your SO would do that either on short notice? So, just cool down.. Level out if you can. For your kid at least... They notice that stuff and it does affect them today and for later on.
You're right.. You both made mistakes in the homecoming! I've done that too... We all have
If you like the hair color.. Tell him you like it! Don't do it for him unless he asked... And if he did... Lol..roast him..ha ha
Are you still willing to go this journey? If not.. Don't! Don't waste your time and happiness
 
Okay, so, what I would do in this situation, is I would make myself a cup of tea and hide in my closet, but I'm a bottler and what I would do probably isn't the best plan. Confrontations are key. Instead of subtly hinting at what's going on, get direct. "Maybe going away for four days is a pleasure for you, but I'm watching the kid, so if you could at the very least stay up with them until they go to sleep, that would be helpful for me, who's never even had a polyamorous partner before you and watch him alone for days while you get cozy with someone else. You have not the struggle here and I do, so please take on a common responsibility. And if I like my hair like this, I wan't you to at least be happy for me." Don't go word for word, because I'm not good with words, but the point stands. Make sure you don't put blame on his OSO, that's just a downward spiral.
 
Why do people struggle so much with this sort of thing? He left for a few days. Now he's back. I used to be gone for a month or two at a time. When I got home my wife was ecstatic to see me, as I was as well. Nobody wants to come home to weirdness. So, how would you act if he had been away on business for a few days and came home? Would you hide in your room then?

So when he said "it's crazy" why didn't you ask what that meant if you didn't know?

I'm not saying it's all your fault. Obviously your husband is moving a bit to fast for you. You really need to decide where your boundaries are and if you want to be poly at all.
 
I still think the same as in your other thread. Same old song. Different day.

I don't think this a poly problem. He cheated on agreements. Said he was going to see his family. Instead he had a weekend cheating affair with her. Now he's trying to whitewash the whole thing with the "poly brush" and you are supposed to get with the program stat.

And because you struggle with all that (And rightly so! Who wants to be railroaded?) he gets mad he doesn't get what he wants: You on board, stat. With a smile to boot. I still think it is beyond Internet people help. People here can listen if you need to air out some, but in the end? You have to decide if you want to keep investing here, try couple counseling, or just cut your losses. You might decide continued investment may no longer make sense because you get low return on your investment now as it is.

Only you can make that call and assess where your "willing and able" lies and where you draw the line.

You basically seem to be the bank roll/maid/innkeeper person. To him you seem to exist to jump up and serve him and make his life easy. He comes and goes how he wants without telling you when he's going to be home or anything. You are just supposed to lump it. (Your #9 post) You know that lacks common courtesy.

When you are tired/run down/need kid help? He gets annoyed that you are inconveniencing him. When you try to get any straight answers? He leaves things out, obfuscates the truth, or gaslights you.

This is not a healthy dynamic to me. :(

I think you have worth, dignity and value. And you deserve a whole lot better treatment than what you are getting.

Galagirl
 
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I agree with Gala Girl (as per usual!). You need to start being your own advocate and quit letting him gaslight you. He is turning YOU into the unreasonable one. What he did isn't "poly;" it's cheating just with the fact that you now know about it.
 
I agree with Galagirl too.

She says everything far more eloquently than I could have.
 
Okay, so, what I would do in this situation, is I would make myself a cup of tea and hide in my closet, but I'm a bottler and what I would do probably isn't the best plan. Confrontations are key. Instead of subtly hinting at what's going on, get direct. "Maybe going away for four days is a pleasure for you, but I'm watching the kid, so if you could at the very least stay up with them until they go to sleep, that would be helpful for me, who's never even had a polyamorous partner before you and watch him alone for days while you get cozy with someone else. You have not the struggle here and I do, so please take on a common responsibility. And if I like my hair like this, I wan't you to at least be happy for me." Don't go word for word, because I'm not good with words, but the point stands. Make sure you don't put blame on his OSO, that's just a downward spiral.
First let me thank everyone for taking the time to reply and offer insight/opinions etc. I so appreciate all of you.

DripDropDiggsManuel - I hear you and yeah part of me would have loved to just hide away all night...but I didn't. He went to bed anyway. This morning has been okay-ish. We had an appointment to enroll our child in a new school so we did that and it went well for the most part.

We came home and I worked out and now...he is napping. There hasn't really been time to talk about anything. (I mentioned this in an earlier post, but he is diagnosed bi-polar and his medication dictates he sleeps at least once during the day most of the time.)

I am working on confrontations, I suck at them when they are about me. If they have something to do with someone I love or my kid...watch out. When it comes to me I'd rather let things slide, which I know isn't the answer or healthy.

Thanks.
 
I hate to say it, but I also agree with GalaGirl.

Having re-read all your posts, it sounds to me as if your husband is either losing patience with your inability to "get with the poly program", stat, or is only sticking around out of convenience, for financial reasons, or possibly for the sake of your child.

In either case, he is acting like a spoiled, hard-done-by jerk considering all the sacrifices you are making so he can go off and have responsibility-free fun and games with another woman a few times a month.

Quite frankly, it sounds as if he is trying to escape you. He says he is no longer in love with you/doesn't know if he's in love/may never have been in love. He has been dallying with this other woman on and off for years, but claims he doesn't know if he's in love with her either... yet clearly has such strong NRE? This doesn't ring true to me.

You are hurt because you feel replaced by someone who, in your eyes, is much younger/prettier than you, and you feel your husband is sharing all the good and fun parts of himself with HER now, instead of you. You remember how it used to be between you and want that back, but your husband is making only token efforts to reconnect with you.

If you're honest, you know you dyed your hair BACK to the colour it was when you two met because you wanted to remind him you're still that same woman he fell in love with. He didn't even compliment you/it, which makes me think he was aware of the reason behind the gesture and it made him uncomfortable.

IF you believe there is anything worth salvaging here, I urge you both to attend couples' counselling.
 
Why do people struggle so much with this sort of thing? He left for a few days. Now he's back. I used to be gone for a month or two at a time. When I got home my wife was ecstatic to see me, as I was as well. Nobody wants to come home to weirdness. So, how would you act if he had been away on business for a few days and came home? Would you hide in your room then?

So when he said "it's crazy" why didn't you ask what that meant if you didn't know?

I'm not saying it's all your fault. Obviously your husband is moving a bit to fast for you. You really need to decide where your boundaries are and if you want to be poly at all.
vinsanity0- Thank you for your reply. Maybe it doesn't make sense to you, but knowing he was spending romantic time with someone else for a few days while I was here taking care of things, is difficult emotionally for me. Logical? No. But emotions are rarely logical. The best I know to do is acknowledge them and try to work through them.

You're right if he had been away on business I wouldn't have reacted the same way, but comparing him being gone for work to a romantic weekend with someone else is like apples and oranges, to me anyway. Work is something most of us have to do, to maintain and contribute to the upkeep of ourselves and our family...it's not the same thing. At least it isn't to me.

I did ask him what crazy meant, for the record, and he didn't respond so...

Trying to figure out my boundaries and if I can do this is why I am here. Thanks so much.
 
I still think the same as in your other thread. Same old song. Different day.

I don't think this a poly problem. He cheated on agreements. Said he was going to see his family. Instead he had a weekend cheating affair with her. Now he's trying to whitewash the whole thing with the "poly brush" and you are supposed to get with the program stat.

And because you struggle with all that (And rightly so! Who wants to be railroaded?) he gets mad he doesn't get what he wants: You on board, stat. With a smile to boot. I still think it is beyond Internet people help. People here can listen if you need to air out some, but in the end? You have to decide if you want to keep investing here, try couple counseling, or just cut your losses. You might decide continued investment may no longer make sense because you get low return on your investment now as it is.

Only you can make that call and assess where your "willing and able" lies and where you draw the line.

You basically seem to be the bank roll/maid/innkeeper person. To him you seem to exist to jump up and serve him and make his life easy. He comes and goes how he wants without telling you when he's going to be home or anything. You are just supposed to lump it. (Your #9 post) You know that lacks common courtesy.

When you are tired/run down/need kid help? He gets annoyed that you are inconveniencing him. When you try to get any straight answers? He leaves things out, obfuscates the truth, or gaslights you.

This is not a healthy dynamic to me. :(

I think you have worth, dignity and value. And you deserve a whole lot better treatment than what you are getting.

Galagirl


GalaGirl - Again your insights and perspectives are priceless and so appreciated.
You're right, I have to figure out if I want to try to work this out, or cut my losses and move on. First and foremost, I need to find a good therapist. I think maybe my talking to someone alone would help me figure out if I even want to try couples counseling with him or not.

It's not a healthy dynamic. It's so disappointing. I feel like I am doing everything I know how to to compromise/make it work and nothing is good enough.

I have struggled with worth and value my whole life, thank you so for saying that. I know you are right, something has to give here...or I have to try to start my life over again.

Thank you.
 
I hate to say it, but I also agree with GalaGirl.

Having re-read all your posts, it sounds to me as if your husband is either losing patience with your inability to "get with the poly program", stat, or is only sticking around out of convenience, for financial reasons, or possibly for the sake of your child.

In either case, he is acting like a spoiled, hard-done-by jerk considering all the sacrifices you are making so he can go off and have responsibility-free fun and games with another woman a few times a month.

Quite frankly, it sounds as if he is trying to escape you. He says he is no longer in love with you/doesn't know if he's in love/may never have been in love. He has been dallying with this other woman on and off for years, but claims he doesn't know if he's in love with her either... yet clearly has such strong NRE? This doesn't ring true to me.

You are hurt because you feel replaced by someone who, in your eyes, is much younger/prettier than you, and you feel your husband is sharing all the good and fun parts of himself with HER now, instead of you. You remember how it used to be between you and want that back, but your husband is making only token efforts to reconnect with you.

If you're honest, you know you dyed your hair BACK to the colour it was when you two met because you wanted to remind him you're still that same woman he fell in love with. He didn't even compliment you/it, which makes me think he was aware of the reason behind the gesture and it made him uncomfortable.

IF you believe there is anything worth salvaging here, I urge you both to attend couples' counselling.

lunabunny - Thank you for your honest reply/perspective and for taking the time to read my posts. I really appreciate it.

Everything you are saying unfortunately, makes sense. I am hurting not only because like you said someone else is getting what I used to, but also because I am working my ass off emotionally and physically to take care of everything and to work on myself. I feel like that rarely gets acknowledged.

The crazy thing is he has the ability to be direct, and frankly mean if necessary to get a point across. If he wants to get away from me, there is a nice way to say that...and he knows how and has said worse in a not nice way in the past, I don't know why he can't seem to do it now. All I want him to do is tell me the truth. He keeps saying he is but it's like he forgets that I have known him for 12 years and therefore know when he is full of it.

I think he wants to just live/frolic/play etc. for eternity...which wouldn't we all want to right? I represent parenthood/responsibility etc. all the things he doesn't want to deal with...and is reminded of when he is home. She represents fun/sex/indulgence/wonder all the stuff he wants to do/be all day every day.

I have wanted to dye my hair forever but bleaching it out etc. is such a process I just haven't done it. So it was for me, but yes...you are right I picked the color I did because I was hoping it would remind him of when we met.

Thank you for your honesty and directness. I need it. Gratitude lunabunny.
 
I agree with Gala Girl (as per usual!). You need to start being your own advocate and quit letting him gaslight you. He is turning YOU into the unreasonable one. What he did isn't "poly;" it's cheating just with the fact that you now know about it.

powerpuffgrl1969- Thanks for your reply. His defense was that since that was the agreement we made years ago, it wasn't "cheating" and that he hadn't done anything wrong.

This is mess, no about about it. It's going to take time for me to find my way, and I am super grateful to have all of you to help me see things I don't/can't or just plain don't want to.
 
You're right, I have to figure out if I want to try to work this out, or cut my losses and move on. First and foremost, I need to find a good therapist. I think maybe my talking to someone alone would help me figure out if I even want to try couples counseling with him or not.

I think that is a good plan. See your OWN counselor and line up YOUR own support first. To help you decide if you even want to do couple counseling with him or not.

It's not a healthy dynamic. It's so disappointing.

Yes. Very disappointing.

I feel like I am doing everything I know how to to compromise/make it work and nothing is good enough.

You are not both coming to compromise. Where each side gives up a little. Like my kid and me both want the last popsicle. So we share it and agree in the evening we will get a new box at the grocery. We both give up half the popsicle so the other one can have some. And we don't have to wait long before there is a new box. Both sacrifice some there to get to a better place -- when there will be lots of popsicle again.

Here? You are doing everything. Getting all worn out and run down and taken for granted. That is not two people coming to compromise. That is you compromising yourself -- putting yourself in harm's way. On the path to burning out. :(

I'm glad to hear you are going to seek professional care with an counselor for you. I'm hoping things get better for you in time.

You do not deserve this mess.

Galagirl
 
I am just going to be direct. I am not trying to hurt your feelings.

Of course he doesn't want to leave you... Who would babysit your child and keep his house so he can have fun with the girlfriend?

Honey you deserve sooo much more than a man who has told you that he has never loved you. You are not his maid/nanny. Please know you're worth oh so much more than this.
 
Hi kvb,

I'm so sorry your partner would not be understanding and affectionate to you when he got home. I think you were hurting and not wanting to hope, but hoping nonetheless. And he dashed your hopes, as he has done before. I don't have any advice, I think this is something you'll have to figure out for yourself. I do hope therapy will help. I just wanted to express sympathy, and let you know you're not alone.

Hang in there, and keep us posted.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
vinsanity0- Thank you for your reply. Maybe it doesn't make sense to you, but knowing he was spending romantic time with someone else for a few days while I was here taking care of things, is difficult emotionally for me. Logical? No. But emotions are rarely logical. The best I know to do is acknowledge them and try to work through them.

You're right if he had been away on business I wouldn't have reacted the same way, but comparing him being gone for work to a romantic weekend with someone else is like apples and oranges, to me anyway. Work is something most of us have to do, to maintain and contribute to the upkeep of ourselves and our family...it's not the same thing. At least it isn't to me.

I did ask him what crazy meant, for the record, and he didn't respond so...

Trying to figure out my boundaries and if I can do this is why I am here. Thanks so much.

Actually, you can ignore most of what I said. My answer was based only on what you wrote in this thread. I had no idea there had been cheating going on.

You know it's not a failure on your part if you don't embrace poly, right? But if you want to try, then you will have to drastically change your way of thinking.
 
I am just going to be direct. I am not trying to hurt your feelings.

Of course he doesn't want to leave you... Who would babysit your child and keep his house so he can have fun with the girlfriend?

Honey you deserve sooo much more than a man who has told you that he has never loved you. You are not his maid/nanny. Please know you're worth oh so much more than this.

I so agree, I honestly don't know if there is anything really salvageable from this.
 
Hi everyone, thank you again to everyone who took time to read and reply. You all are an invaluable resource for me right now. I took the rest of yesterday off from the internet. Everything you all are sharing with me, your insights, views and advice is priceless but A LOT to process. I feel like sometimes it is almost all I think about all day, and I needed to try to turn it off for a little while.

I know I am worth more, and that I deserve more than I am getting right now. This is part of the countless reasons I am looking for a therapist. I need help separating the crap that is MY shit carrying over into this mess. I want someone impartial who can help me figure out not only what my needs are, but how to work more on my insecurities so they don't affect my relationships at least to the degree they do now.

He might be doing shitty things, but my insecurities definitely make it harder to deal with, and that is crap I have to sort out and probably plays into why I take so much.

This is also why I have been taking steps to better myself.

I will keep everyone posted. Thank you all so much.

Sidenote - Is it wrong that it is driving me absolutely insane that he isn't being totally honest with me about their communication? He tells me they don't talk every single day...and at least once a day he gets a message from her. Sooo...not true. He says that everything isn't all romance and sunshine...but everything I have seen (inadvertently BTW - I'd really rather not know all this shite.) is exactly that. Totally like "I could study the curves of your hips for hours...blah blah blah.." That sounds pretty sunshine romance-y to me??

I can't confront him because he will think I looked on purpose, and nothing I say will change his mind. But the lying is really making me crazier than everything else combined.

Quit treating me like I'm stupid...man up and tell the freaking truth. We are middle-aged for pete's sake. I can take it. (Which I also keep telling him. Truth hurts, but omissions hurt more.)
 
Def stick with plan to see therapist. I'm glad you are starting to feel angry. That's progress. Hopefully you can use healthy anger to make the needed changes in your life because you DO deserve better here.

Is it wrong that it is driving me absolutely insane that he isn't being totally honest with me about their communication? He tells me they don't talk every single day...and at least once a day he gets a message from her. Sooo...not true. He says that everything isn't all romance and sunshine...but everything I have seen (inadvertently BTW - I'd really rather not know all this shite.) is exactly that. Totally like "I could study the curves of your hips for hours...blah blah blah.." That sounds pretty sunshine romance-y to me??

There is nothing wrong with your eyes/ears. If he says they don't talk daily and daily comes the boop of a text? You know he's minimizing/not being honest. That's annoying for people who value honesty.But not everyone values that.

If he leaves shit around for you to see? I wonder if he isn't enjoying it. Watching you in pain. Or simply lazy King Baby. You are supposed to pretend to not see so he doesn't have to WORK to hide anything.

Or one track mind -- like he's busy snowing her with fake roses. So to him they are not "romance and sunshine" for real. It's fake roses as a means to an end -- to snow her and get whatever he's after. So you should stop bugging him with your problems because he's busy and you are getting in his way. Because it's all about him and what he gets.

Maybe a combo of all the above. Not really your job to fix him or sort him out. Don't try.

I can't confront him because he will think I looked on purpose, and nothing I say will change his mind. But the lying is really making me crazier than everything else combined.

Good. You know not to waste your breath! And just not bother any more.

Could label him "liar" in your head. Then when he does it again, it matches in your head:
  • Why does the liar lie? Cuz liar.
  • He still lying? Yup. Same old song, different day.
  • Do you expect any different? Nope. Do not expect truthiness from a liar.

Then at least it isn't surprising any more even if it is still hurtful. And you aren't being driven crazy expecting something different out of him other than "same old song, different day."

You DO deserve better. It just isn't gonna come from here. Here? Same old song. Different day.

Quit treating me like I'm stupid...man up and tell the freaking truth. We are middle-aged for pete's sake. I can take it.

Why would he change his behavior if it works for him? :confused:

I see you want to be treated well. But c'mon. That would mean WORK on his side. He seems allergic to work. You are his meal ticket. King Baby. He'll only give you some fake roses once in a while to keep the meal ticket going.

Why does guy with no common courtesy behave crap? Because no common courtesy. You had other other examples about the lack of common courtesy. Why be surprised here's some more examples? Again.... same old song. Different day.

I think what you face is whether or not you want to leave this restaurant. That's what is changeable that is under your control -- your stayingness.

The restaurant? Same old food, same old waiter, same old music. If you are tired of eating here? Stop eating here.

If you keep eating here? Same old song, different day. Because you cannot change the waiter, changed the menu, change the playlist, or redecorate the restaurant. Not your restaurant.

If he's going to make real changes, they have to come from him. And he may not want to. He may be fine just as he is.

It's not OK to treat people like this. But for HIM? He may not care.

Just feed you a few lines to keep the meal ticket going here and there. But not actually care.

That's hard for nice people to get their heads around. That some people just do NOT care. It's all about what they get and what is in it for them. Screw other people.

Galagirl :(
 
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