Hi everyone - So my partner just came home from a long weekend with is OSO and thing are NOT going well. I was hoping to gain some advice/perspective if possible.
Tonight when he returned I was in my room and our 10 year old was in the living room. I heard him come in but didn't run out to greet him for a couple of reasons. One is that usually when he returns from such excursions he likes to put his stuff down/away and catch up with our kid before he checks in with me because he knows how hard I struggle with all of this. The other reason is that I had dyed my hair (dramatically) and wanted to surprise him with it when he came in to say hello. Silly I know...but...it's now the same color it was when we met, which it hasn't been in a good decade or so.
So he finally knocks on my door and asks me if I dyed my hair to which I respond, "yes" and then says "it's crazy" which I am not sure how to take. He tells me he bought some stuff for our child and thought I might want to see our kid open the things he picked up.
So I come into the main room of the house and watch. They were little things, like glasses to watch the upcoming eclipse with etc.
I am overwhelmed with conflicting emotions whenever he comes home, which was also true tonight. All I wanted was to hug him but I couldn't. I have serious issues with not knowing whether he has showered not to mention he came home smelling overwhelmingly NOT like himself which was off-putting.
Usually when he comes back he is pretty good about being empathetic to the reality that it is hard for me. Today that didn't seem to be the case at all, which made things exponentially more difficult for me.
He said that he was upset that I didn't come out to see him when he came in and that although he doesn't expect me to "run up and embrace him" he would like to know that "i care at all" that he is home, which of course I do. I apologized and explained I spent the weekend here reading/talking about all of this and that I even ordered a poly workbook off Amazon. I also told him that from what I have been able to glean that struggling with your SO coming back from spending time with their OSO is not terribly uncommon and that as much as I want to love/celebrate him when he comes home and all the time, I don't know how to in that moment. Though I am working on it.
So from there things just seemed to go downhill dramatically, I am frustrated and really hurting/disappointed.
I told him that I was sorry he didn't get the response he hoped for when he returned but that I am struggling hard and working on it as much/in all the ways I know how. I told him my feelings were a little hurt when the only response he had to my hair was that it was "crazy" because of course I was hoping he would like it.
He had asked if there was anything he could do so I told him that what I really needed right now was some understanding and to feel loved. He said his head is full of "static" and that perhaps it would be best if we didn't continue to talk right tonight...and then announced he was going to bed.
The whole thing is heartbreaking honestly. I have a hard time that he not only didn't acknowledge or thank me for the ability to go away for 4 days while I took care of the house etc. but also that he just decided to go to bed when our kid is still up. This means I have to stay up until our kid's bedtime.
When I mentioned this and told him that would get him to bed he responded that "he didn't trust that..." which I have no idea what to do with...like I wouldn't stay awake to make sure our child got to bed on time!? Of course I would/will.
I don't know what to do with his what seems to be aggression towards me, but knowing he spent the weekend in bed with someone else while I posted here, took care of the house, our child and ordered books to make me better at this is, as much as I don't want it to - it is making me angry.
Our communication totally broke down. I don't know where to go or what to do about it. He said at one point that I could ask for help/we could struggle together but outside having to deal with my emotional upheavals I don't see how this situation is a struggle for him. I said as much but he had no response. I did however, ask him for help and it took him a good half an hour to respond to that. (just as I am asking all of you) What am I missing here? WTF am I supposed to do?
I feel like because I am not great at all of this yet, he is angry and/or disappointed with me. I am working my ass off and it doesn't seem to be enough.
Everyone else in this house has a hell of a lot more fun that I do...why isn't that good enough? I have NEVER gone away for 4 days...hell...even 2 days.
All I wanted was a little understanding and affection, am I being too demanding here?? Everything I said tonight was wrong or inadvertently inflammatory even though it wasn't my intention at all.
I'm totally lost and feeling really vulnerable and scared. Advice/perspective is greatly appreciated. Thanks.
Tonight when he returned I was in my room and our 10 year old was in the living room. I heard him come in but didn't run out to greet him for a couple of reasons. One is that usually when he returns from such excursions he likes to put his stuff down/away and catch up with our kid before he checks in with me because he knows how hard I struggle with all of this. The other reason is that I had dyed my hair (dramatically) and wanted to surprise him with it when he came in to say hello. Silly I know...but...it's now the same color it was when we met, which it hasn't been in a good decade or so.
So he finally knocks on my door and asks me if I dyed my hair to which I respond, "yes" and then says "it's crazy" which I am not sure how to take. He tells me he bought some stuff for our child and thought I might want to see our kid open the things he picked up.
So I come into the main room of the house and watch. They were little things, like glasses to watch the upcoming eclipse with etc.
I am overwhelmed with conflicting emotions whenever he comes home, which was also true tonight. All I wanted was to hug him but I couldn't. I have serious issues with not knowing whether he has showered not to mention he came home smelling overwhelmingly NOT like himself which was off-putting.
Usually when he comes back he is pretty good about being empathetic to the reality that it is hard for me. Today that didn't seem to be the case at all, which made things exponentially more difficult for me.
He said that he was upset that I didn't come out to see him when he came in and that although he doesn't expect me to "run up and embrace him" he would like to know that "i care at all" that he is home, which of course I do. I apologized and explained I spent the weekend here reading/talking about all of this and that I even ordered a poly workbook off Amazon. I also told him that from what I have been able to glean that struggling with your SO coming back from spending time with their OSO is not terribly uncommon and that as much as I want to love/celebrate him when he comes home and all the time, I don't know how to in that moment. Though I am working on it.
So from there things just seemed to go downhill dramatically, I am frustrated and really hurting/disappointed.
I told him that I was sorry he didn't get the response he hoped for when he returned but that I am struggling hard and working on it as much/in all the ways I know how. I told him my feelings were a little hurt when the only response he had to my hair was that it was "crazy" because of course I was hoping he would like it.
He had asked if there was anything he could do so I told him that what I really needed right now was some understanding and to feel loved. He said his head is full of "static" and that perhaps it would be best if we didn't continue to talk right tonight...and then announced he was going to bed.
The whole thing is heartbreaking honestly. I have a hard time that he not only didn't acknowledge or thank me for the ability to go away for 4 days while I took care of the house etc. but also that he just decided to go to bed when our kid is still up. This means I have to stay up until our kid's bedtime.
When I mentioned this and told him that would get him to bed he responded that "he didn't trust that..." which I have no idea what to do with...like I wouldn't stay awake to make sure our child got to bed on time!? Of course I would/will.
I don't know what to do with his what seems to be aggression towards me, but knowing he spent the weekend in bed with someone else while I posted here, took care of the house, our child and ordered books to make me better at this is, as much as I don't want it to - it is making me angry.
Our communication totally broke down. I don't know where to go or what to do about it. He said at one point that I could ask for help/we could struggle together but outside having to deal with my emotional upheavals I don't see how this situation is a struggle for him. I said as much but he had no response. I did however, ask him for help and it took him a good half an hour to respond to that. (just as I am asking all of you) What am I missing here? WTF am I supposed to do?
I feel like because I am not great at all of this yet, he is angry and/or disappointed with me. I am working my ass off and it doesn't seem to be enough.
Everyone else in this house has a hell of a lot more fun that I do...why isn't that good enough? I have NEVER gone away for 4 days...hell...even 2 days.
All I wanted was a little understanding and affection, am I being too demanding here?? Everything I said tonight was wrong or inadvertently inflammatory even though it wasn't my intention at all.
I'm totally lost and feeling really vulnerable and scared. Advice/perspective is greatly appreciated. Thanks.