My Husband Now Wants Me To Knock

Leetah

Member
This is me kvetching out about something which is bothering me. In the great scheme of things it is a small matter but if anyone can help me gain a better perspective on it that would be great.

Tam and I have shared a bedroom since the '80's. Recently he said he needs a better sense of personal space. He feels that my freely walking into our room is intrusive. He said he would feel better if I always knock and wait for permission before entering.

I agreed to try as, while irksome, it seems like a small gesture. The thing is, I feel ill used every time I forget and he gets annoyed at me. It rubs me the wrong way to be reprimanded for opening my own door.

What makes it feel worse is that he already has 3 spaces in our house that are set up for him with doors that close where he could have control over who enters.

He has a small 6'x6' sun room with a four drawer desk, a dresser with a hutch, and a wall cabinet, as a hobby room. He has stacked hobby stuff in there so it is not easy to use.

The garage is 2/3 full of his hobby stuff. In it he has a partitioned off space with a table, chairs, rugs, etc. for doing hobby stuff. The area is cluttered up plus he feels he can't fairly keep others from coming into the garage. So he does not use it.

Off the master bath is a small dressing area half of which I set up for him to use as a home office with a computer table, a bookcase, nice curtains and some of his favorite art. He has decided he does not like being basically in the bathroom and stopped using it. The computer table and chair are stacked with his stuff but he feels hurt that I have stored things in there again.

If he wants a comfier place than a desk chair he could move stuff out of one of those places and put in his armchair, which is currently in the dining room hidden under a plie of hobby stuff.

For my space I have half our bedroom. Which he always enters without knocking and often leaves the door open even when I am trying to sleep.

To be fair, he is out of the house working in a busy office all day while I work at home so when the kids are in school I have time to myself. He also has ADD so interruptions are jarring. Ray, my Significant Other, having his own room (albeit amongst our stuff in a large walk-in closet) may also be a factor.

Still, after decades of sharing space it is hurtful to be told I should check to see if I am welcome in my own room.

How do I get over it? Or is he being unreasonable?

Leetah
 
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Personally, I believe he is being extremely unreasonable. I'd even go so far as to say selfish and controlling.

From the way you describe your domestic set-up, your partner Tam should be more than happy that he has not one, but four more-or-less private spaces designated exclusively, or almost-exclusively, for his own use. NONE of which he is required to ask permission to use. And yet he wishes to deny you the same "privilege"?

There are a few issues here, as I see it: One is an issue of privacy, as mentioned. I am a firm believer that every person in a household needs at least some little nook or corner to call their own, insofar as space allows... and this is perhaps even more necessary when it comes to multi-partner, live-in arrangements.

Having the ability to retreat undisturbed to a safe haven when I need some quiet time to reflect, recharge, work, sleep, read etc., is vital to my own peace of mind and sense of self. Not everyone may view having privacy/personal space with the same degree of necessity. There are people who don't blink an eyelid if others walk in on them using the bathroom without knocking, or who place few boundaries around who sees them in engaging in intimate acts, but I am not one of them.

In my opinion, you have a RIGHT to enter your OWN bedroom whenever and however you wish, unless you have extremely limited space (which you do not) and you have an agreement already in place that states your partner gets exclusive use of said room for "x" amount of time on "y" day, while they play with another partner. In which case, it would be both prudent and courteous to knock.

You also mentioned ADD, but what I see here smacks of a degree of OCD and/or hoarding on the part of your partner. Why is it alright for him to clutter up all three of the spaces designated for his own use until they are virtually unusable, then demand more and more space in the household?

Another issue I see here is one of control, perhaps on both your parts. It certainly does sound as if your partner has been offered/given more than enough areas of the house in which to do what he likes. However, are these spaces really functional? An office directly off a bathroom doesn't sound particularly practical or private, and you did say "which I set up for him"... so do you think it's possible he believes (rightly or wrongly) that you are calling all the shots, by telling him he may use this or that space, and decorating it for him? Perhaps he feels he has little autonomy and is trying to grab some back, resulting in a power struggle.

Just playing devil's advocate here for a minute. ^ Quite frankly, I think he is being unreasonable and you need to assert your rights, pronto.
 
I think that is unreasonable as well. I like my own space as, but I'm not going to make someone feel unwelcome in our SHARED bedroom.
 
I'm a big advocate of personal space, and find this unreasonable.

What caught my attention in the double standard; you are expected to knock to enter, but HE can open the door while you are in there at will. This smacks of passive-aggressive behavior.

My husband and I are mono, but we sleep in separate bedrooms because he snores very loudly and I'm a light sleeper (and, admittedly, a bed hog.) I also work from my bedroom. I usually keep the door open but if, for any reason, I have the door closed, my husband doesn't knock to ask permission. However, he does announce himself when coming into the room, so he doesn't startle me and in case I'm working. I find this to be perfectly acceptable. If I needed to have some private time, all I would have to do is tell him, and he would leave me alone. Simple.

I guess I would wonder if you husband is really okay with your boyfriend being in the house? Is he acting out?
 
If you guys had separate bedrooms, or he turned the sunroom into a mini bedroom or something.... ok.

In a shared bedroom? It makes no sense to me. DH and I share a bedroom. Even if he's in there napping I can go in if I need to change clothes or something... it's my room too. It's where my clothes are. I don't BUST in with a lot of noise. I try to be quiet, get my things and get out. Because when I am the one napping in there, I would want same.

The kids knock. Because this is not their room. And we knock on a kid door. Because that is not our room. But knock on our OWN bedroom? Makes no sense.

Galagirl
 
Put a cot in the garage for him, and ban him from the bedroom. Move ALL his hobby stuff to the garage, then stay out. Reclaim the rest as shared space and use it as you wish. If you keep acting like a doormat, he'll keep treating you like one.
 
Yeah no one makes me knock to enter my own bedroom.


I agree with others Tam is being extremely selfish.
 
I don't think I could do something similar - always knock before entering a shared bedroom. (A bedroom that wasn't mine as well but another partner's? Yeah I could probably do that.)

So yes I think this is one of those agreements that just can't be reasonably kept by you and it wasn't particularly well thought out of him to ask and you to agree. (This happens - we often don't know we can't do something, or that it is a bad idea to request something until we try it. That said, I never to agree to anything I know, in my heart of hearts, that I cannot do. It doesn't matter how much I want to please a partner.)

However, what was he trying to achieve by asking you to do this? Was it really to have a sense of his own space? To get you to acknowledge his presence? To have some control over his environment? All of this? Something else completely?

If you have a conversation about what he wants to get out of this request, you may be able to find a way to give him what he actually wants without knocking at your own bedroom door. You know, create a 'win-win' situation where both your emotional needs are being met. I have an inkling that this request is connected to certain emotions, needs or wants he has but maybe isn't expressing very clearly. It might take a while to really get to what he is actually seeking but doing so might be really helpful for you both.
 
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However, what was he trying to achieve by asking you to do this? Was it really to have a sense of his own space? To get you to acknowledge his presence? To have some control over his environment? All of this? Something else completely?

Something else just occurred to me: have you considered that it might not be about a need for space or privacy at all, but that Tam might be engaging in some activity he feels ashamed of or guilty about? (Anything from talking to a potential love interest you're unaware of, viewing porn or gambling online etc.)

If you have a conversation about what he wants to get out of this request, you may be able to find a way to give him what he actually wants without knocking at your own bedroom door.

This is a great suggestion.
 
Agree that he's being unreasonable because it's a double standard, and that you should try to figure out why he made the request in the first place. And why now? What changed in your living situation or his feelings that made this seem useful to him?

Also, I assume that you've been together for a while, and that this is a new rule? It's very hard to change a habit once it's established, so it's especially unreasonable for him to get upset when you forget. You've been walking into your own bedroom without knocking for years! If you do agree to do this, it's going to take quite a while to reform your habits, and he should understand that.
 
No. No way would i be knocking on my own bedroom door. And when I am entertaining an OSO in my bedroom that I share with my nesting partner, she doesn't knock... she just doesn't come in at all! She waits til we come out.

I think your partner has hoarding problems. His hoard is taking over the house. His "hobby stuff," of hobbies he doesn't actually do? He sounds blocked.

This seems to be bigger than asking your to knock on your own shared bedroom. He needs to clean up his own designated space and do whatever secret thing he wants to do in there, so you can walk in and out of your own bedroom without knocking.

If he's being passive aggressive because your OSO lives with you, this needs to be addressed.

Is he getting enough sex? Is he in there viewing porn and masturbating?
 
I don't know why everyone is getting all pouty about the idea of knocking on the door. It's shared, which means I don't get to just decide I'm the Czar of the bedroom and I'll just kick it in whenever I damned well please. If I'm sharing the space... we need to work that out. If someone wants more of a "knock-first" kind of arrangement then I need to be reasonable and consider this request.

A shared bedroom is exactly that, shared. This means that we both should be comfortable and have free reasonable access to the space. It doesn't mean "never knock"... it just means "shared".

Put a cot in the garage for him, and ban him from the bedroom. Move ALL his hobby stuff to the garage, then stay out. Reclaim the rest as shared space and use it as you wish. If you keep acting like a doormat, he'll keep treating you like one.

Please don't follow this advice.

If you have a conversation about what he wants to get out of this request, you may be able to find a way to give him what he actually wants without knocking at your own bedroom door.

Please follow this advice.

It sounds like you guys have some logistical roommate concerns that have been building up for quite some time and need to be worked out. My guess is that these logistical concerns are not the center point of the issue you two are having... odds are it is just a symptom.

Either way, start communicating with your roommate.
 
Hi Leetah,

To me, it does sound like all of the clutter is part of the problem. Maybe it's time for Tam to sell some of his stuff? Another thing is, he has other spaces in the house, but none of them are ideal and maybe he wants an ideal space (instead of those other spaces). What about the idea of building an office space for him, separate from the rest of the house?

As for the bedroom: If you should have to knock (and you agree to do so), then he should have to knock too. It's only fair. Anyway, I can't imagine the bedroom being an ideal space for him. It confuses me that he seemingly picked that room out.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I think your partner has hoarding problems. His hoard is taking over the house. His "hobby stuff," of hobbies he doesn't actually do? He sounds blocked.
My impression as well. I'm seeing expression of insecurity, a feeling that control is slipping away.

Yes, the "hobby stuff" is a problem, & must be dealt with. Heck, I live by myself, I'm a fanatic hobbyist guitar dealer, my inventory is bigger than many mom-&-pop guitar stores... yet from the sound of it I've got a LOT more free space. Based on that alone, I'd say there will have to be a "hobby stuff" reduction -- done properly.

In almost every story on this site, we have only one side. Humans being humans, I'm not inclined to take one report of a struggle as a singular unshaded Truth.

I find the calls to summarily punish him for his acting out to be somewhat troubling.

The "knock first" demand is merely the latest nuance in a situation that has clearly been developing for years. That'd lead me to conclude there's an undercurrent of codependence & enabling. Those situations are NOT one-player games. And Leetah is not a helpless prisoner cowering behind a pile of bric-a-brac.
 
Thanks guys. It's good to know I am not just being unusually sensitive.

I hope to get a chance to talk to Tam about both the knocking and the hoarding behavior. Ray has suggested that I should make an appointment to have the discussion at our therapist's. It can be hard to find a time to talk when Tam is not either stressed or trying to de-stress.

Tam has been trying to be an easier person to live with and I extend him credit for that. I agree that there is some emotional need behind the request but have trouble putting my finger on it. Late career frustration and a rambunctious high functioning autistic child at home are often too much for him. Bolstering a sense of control is likely a part of the motivation.

I have long wrestled with the question of enabling. I have allowed a lot of behavior to pass over the years which I never expected I would. It is just that he is really an amazing person, brilliant, funny, creative and compassionate, when his inner demons are not riding him. Until I got to know Ray I never met anyone as close to my beau ideal.

I figure I probably also have behaviors which are not the best, so a bit of slack should be given. There are indeed resentments, rational and not, on both sides, how to settle them has been the difficulty.

ANYway... Thanks all for being supportive and giving me insightful advice.

Leetah
 
As I recall back a few yrs ago your OSO/ BF was going to move in with you and your family until he could find a job and get on his feet and find his own place.

It doesn't sound like he ever moved out. Are you sure that intrusion into your husbands life /home isn't a slow burning resentment and this knocking thing is a very small push back ?
 
It can be hard to find a time to talk when Tam is not either stressed or trying to de-stress.

I have long wrestled with the question of enabling.

If you're concerned about enabling (which I applaud you for thinking about) then this is enabling on your part. Walking on eggshells around someone as a way of life has enabling and codependence written all over it. I really do credit you for looking at your own part in this, because most people just complain about the other's "unreasonable" behavior and don't see that they fit right in with what's going on. This is a great subject to discuss with your therapist.


Late career frustration and a rambunctious high functioning autistic child at home are often too much for him.
I have a not-high-functioning rambunctious autistic child and he can indeed be an "extra" in the parenting experience, but if you're forever making efforts to "protect" Tam from one of the family members, for any reason, trying to keep your kid from stressing him out too much, this is codependence, as well. If your kid is "too much" for Tam, this is for Tam to work on - not you. Tam is responsible for his own emotions and his own relationship with your kid. You can't be the buffer, the fixer, the wiper of brows for very long before resentment sets in on all sides. In codependent families, one person often becomes the problem and takes the heat for being difficult and unreasonable, while in truth, everyone contributes and plays their part in the family drama. Another good situation to discuss with your therapist.
 
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