Managing feelings....

Nycindie, what you said about that they're my feelings is correct. I found it a bit harsh that you basically told Droidprincess to dump me if I can't get onboard.
I said nothing of the sort! I said she shouldn't put her life on hold or be less than who she is in order to help anyone else come to terms with or handle their own emotional processes. I told her to be compassionate and honest, and offer whatever reassurance she can, while also being true to herself.

Essentially, no amount of concessions she could possibly make will take care of your inner turmoil - it would only be a temporary external bandage, but it is up to you to work through your own feelings.

How you interpreted that as my saying she should dump you, I just don't know!
 
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Nycindie, I think it is the admonition not to put her life on hold to wait for someone to get their emotional issues in hand. I could see, especially from an insecure point of view, that sounding like "Go on your way whether he is on board or left behind". I think if he is feeling insecure he may just not have taken in your encouraging her to be helpful and compassionate.
 
Welcome, Myk.

Sounds to me like you are doing what you can and are open to trying but it's just been a lot coming really fast. Kind of "whooshy."

Is that it?

Galagirl
 
I just wanted to say I think it's really cool that Myk and Maccadam have joined in the thread :)
 
yes...I think his insecure state lead to him taking the statement from Nycindie as a statement that I should go on and leave him to catch up. I am in no way wanting to leave him behind, I want to be open and completely honest while being loving and understanding to Myk. I really want this to work as smoothly as possible. I really appreciate everyone's input and support.

Yes Evie, I love having them both on here so all sides of our little triangle can be heard :)
 
Tips and Tricks

1. Realize that there are a MULTITUDE of people out there that are "BETTER" than you. (I know this seems like a weird way to not be insecure, but stick with me! ;) No matter how smart, rich, strong, funny, recognized in my community and really, really, incredibly good-looking I am, there will be specimens of my species out there that can out do me.

2. Realize that your partner or whomever you are afraid of losing probably knows this as well. That what you offer is unique and either they enjoy you or they don't.


A trick for handling rejection:

I. If someone doesn't want to spend time with/be with me, I don't want to be with them. I only want what is consensual.

I also don't want to be with anyone that I don't want to be with, just because they want to be with me and are giving me attention/gifts/&c. (I see people do this.)

To want to be with someone who isn't interested is, well... to put it harshly, it's pathetic. I'm totally not interested in being pathetic, so I get over it pretty quick. This is something I sort of realized a long time ago and I certainly had situations where I was pathetic, but with practice I learned to get over it faster and faster to the point now if I start to flirt with someone and they don't show an immediate interest I move on with no sense of rejection or hard feelings.

I've even had girls "chase me down" and try to flirt with me after initially giving me the cold shoulder. My theory is they saw my confidence and confidence is one of the single most attractive things ever.

Basically, both of these "tricks" are ways of understanding and building your own confidence using a logical train of thought:

#1. You are the only you and people like/love you.
#2. If someone doesn't want to be with you, it is illogical to want to be around them.

One more to make #3: Appreciate yourself and take opportunities to build your confidence whenever possible. This can go from just admiring how good you are at something to putting the time and energy into yourself to develop yourself (read a book, play some sport, learn a language/take a class, meditate or pursue something you think is cool.)
 
Whoops, I sort of neglected the "other partners" aspect of this:

As far as "other partners" go, I think a very good tactic is to think to myself:

"Would I be upset if my partner were spending time with a platonic friend?"

The reason this helps is because it makes me think how ridiculous it is to be jealous of someone spending time with someone they like. I wouldn't get all crazy on my friend Ethan if he hung out with my friend Ben. I wouldn't start thinking insecure thoughts like "OMG, does Ethan have more fun bowling with Ben than he does with me? Does he have better conversations? Do they go on the same hikes to the same swimming holes? Do they drink the same kinds of beers together?"

I use these things to illustrate the attachments that are so ingrained in us to make in mono (dominant) culture. That a specific event, activity or food/beverage belongs to us in some special unique way and that specialness will be ruined if my buddy Ethan drinks the same kind of beer with Ben that he does with me.

Super ridonkulous.

Bottom line, I have a blast w/ my buddy and if he has a blast without me, I am HAPPY for him, not bummed or upset that I wasn't there. If anything, maybe Ben is going to show him a new kind of beer or a new swimming hole that we didn't know about before and thus my life will be enriched.

And sure, maybe Ben and Ethan have a better relationship, they have more in common and grow closer than E. and I have, but can I really say that is Ben's fault? E. and I are going to be as close as we naturally feel like being and the only thing that I can see really interfering with that is if I'm being an insecure asshole and hassling him about Ben everytime we see each other. THAT I'm sure would put a damper on our relationship and might even create this self-fulfilling prophecy where I am less fun to be around than Ben because I'm so preoccupied and stressing about the idea that I'm less fun to be around than Ben.

This ties into the previous post where I said I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. If Ben and Ethan get so close they don't want me around, I can move on; there's a ton of other people out there and I won't force myself in where I'm not wanted.
 
This is M. First, let me state that I am not poly. I have feelings for one person, Droidprincess. Until about a month ago, I didn't know the word existed. Since May my have gone from monogamous to open to poly. I have been slow but steady to accept the changes. The latest change started by using the "L" word. Love. It caused me issues. I think in the long run, I'll be fine but I need time to absorb it. Nycindie, what you said about that they're my feelings is correct. I found it a bit harsh that you basically told Droidprincess to dump me if I can't get onboard. I will be reviewing the links provided.

Hi Myk, welcome to the forums! I'd like to give you props for coming here and doing some research on a subject that is new and relevant to your situation.

I love her. Just finding it hard to know someone else is saying the same thing.
I find this to be an excellent example of how mono-thinking does not seem logical to me. If I find an amazing person with qualities I admire and cherish, I find it not only easy to know that other people would feel the same way I do, but even confusing if they did NOT.

That is to say, I feel almost 180 degrees from your statement. Can you explain the logic of valuing and cherishing someone but being hurt/offended/insecure/&c. if someone else shares your perspective?

I'm not trying to attack your position, but I am asking this question intentionally as I have found questions like this a helpful way for myself to understand my own motivations and things like jealousy/insecurity.
 
Hi Myk, welcome to the forums! I'd like to give you props for coming here and doing some research on a subject that is new and relevant to your situation.

Yes, welcome.

I find this to be an excellent example of how mono-thinking does not seem logical to me. If I find an amazing person with qualities I admire and cherish, I find it not only easy to know that other people would feel the same way I do, but even confusing if they did NOT.

My gf often tells me this when I am poly-dating and I tell her how a date appreciates this or that quality of mine. She says, "Of course they do, you ARE so great, or HAVE this wonderful xyz quality!" And gets a little smirk as if to say, "And I recognized that long ago, and how lucky am I!" She actually gets turned on when others love me or are fond of me. (She is a twue poly lol)

OTOH tho! Sometimes a partner dates someone you really don't approve of. You feel they are sketchy, messy, and yet, your partner is head over heels infatuated (new relationship energy, hormones, rose-colored glasses, lust, excitement). And at the same time, the quality of your relationship with them is deteriorating and they are too blinded by desire for the new person to see you need attention and reassurance, and/or lack the ability or motivation to give it.

Then you have to decide, will this NRE last? Will the excitement fade, and will my partner see the (fatal) flaws I already do, and leave that relationship? Or... (this is the tough question) is it some fatal character flaw of my partner's that draws them to this person?

That is to say, I feel almost 180 degrees from your statement. Can you explain the logic of valuing and cherishing someone but being hurt/offended/insecure/&c. if someone else shares your perspective?

I think it's a fear of no longer feeling special. And it's true, in poly, since there are multiple people loving your partner (potentially) there can seem to be less "specialness" for any one of them, since there isn't that exclusivity. I had to deal with that. I came to realize I can be *important* to my partner's life, and that is enough. "Specialness" is less of something I need to feel now. After all, I don't believe in one forever soul mate for anyone.
 
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