feeling unsure

mspmel

New member
Hi, I am new to this forum as well as to polyamory so would welcome any comments/advice!
My question is about how others deal with feelings after spending time with their poly partner. I have been in a relationship with a poly man who has another girlfriend and who also ocassionally goes on dates with other women. One of the things I find hard is how I feel after spending a really enjoyable few days with him and then having to say goodbye. I start to wonder what he is doing, who he must be with, why can't see him for longer etc. etc.
I suspect that because we both have children and time is limited due to study/work commitments as well as caring for the kids, the time spent together is intense and always memorable. It's hard to suddenly then switch from these expereinces to the more mundane everyday tasks until our next meet up which can sometimes be a week or more.
Sorry to go on, but I am trying to explain myself as I would really welcome other's experiences and views on how others deal with such things.
thank you
 
I start to wonder what he is doing, who he must be with, why can't see him for longer etc. etc.

Why don't you ask what his plans are? There isn't anything wrong with that. The reason I wouldn't feel as you do is because those sorts of conversations are not off limits. I wouldn't "suspect" why we are limited in our availability to one another, I'd know why. It seems as if you aren't allowed to enquire about his wider life.
 
Yes. i guess we havent really talked about stuff like that. i get a sense that i shouldnt impoae too much. but in reality its a good thing to do. i guess i am unsure as to how a poly relationship works. i have always been monogomous. i guess its about finding my feet and sense of self in all of this.
 
i guess its about finding my feet and sense of self in all of this.

This, exactly. There is no one way that a poly relationship works. Some people want full on lives together, some people are happier being live-apart and heavily intertwined, some people want a now-and-then get together, some people want a friend you have sex with, some peope want....... ? What do you want? Don't struggle to figure out what he wants. Think (and feel and imagine!) what you want and let relationships come to you that fit perfectly with you.
 
Hi mspmel,

Your difficulty sounds a bit like separation anxiety disorder. There is an article on it in Wikipedia. It is normally associated with kids freaking out when their parents leave, but adults can experience it too, whenever they're separated from someone to whom they have a strong emotional attachment.

This will sound weird, but I wonder if you can build some kind of reward system for yourself. That is, when your poly partner leaves, make a point to do something special and fun for yourself, don't plunge into the mundane right away. And, when you do start your mundane tasks, have a way to reward yourself when you complete the tasks. This way it might not be quite so depressing when your partner leaves. And maybe the fun stuff you do to reward yourself could be stuff that your partner wouldn't enjoy like you do. Then you can almost look forward to your time alone.

Can you keep in touch with your man when he's away? texting, emails, Skype? As long as you don't go overboard, that might be okay. Talk with him about it and see what he thinks.

That's all I can think of for now ...
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I wouldn't pathologize this so much as I'd say that it sounds like mspmel is just unsure about how much attachment is OK here. Not having a clear sense of her boundaries or the spoken or unspoken agreements in this situation, she is struggling to maintain attachment in a pleasing way and her anxiety is kind of going into overdrive because the agreements are not clear. In monogamy, when you meet someone you have a road map of sorts to follow as you progress along the Togetherness path, but in poly, each relationship is up to the partners to define. Mspmel, your man has more poly experience than you do, but "how much and what kind of attachment" is up to you as a couple to discover together. It's just as important for you to know your own attachment desires as it is for him to tell you his. There are many ways to do poly and many levels of closeness, not one road map that poly relationships follow. Discovering the path together is something that can make poly an awful lot of fun, but looking for clues in how someone else prefers it can lead to needless anxiety.
 
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Would it be much different if you were in a monogamous relationship with someone who works a lot, travels a lot, engages in hobbies in their spare time, or has lots of commitments with friends or family? Not really. So, do you think you can be present and let yourself enjoy the time you spend with him, without worrying about the future, knowing that it will just be a little while before you see him again?

Do you have a full and satisfying life outside of this relationship? If not, perhaps it's time to start building one!
 
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Thank you everyone. Your words are very helpful. Yes, I agree. talking about it and realising how this fits for me and him is important. and I like the reward system! in some respects I can see that I have a bit of anxiety as I am rather shy, introverted. I have also had bad experiences with previous partners and abuse so it sort of fits in with my sense of insecurity.

thank you.
 
Thanks for everyone's comments. They are very helpful and insightful.

I am mspmel's poly partner. I asked her if I could comment on here too which she is happy about...:)

I too like the reward idea... I also agree with you too FallenAngelina. Every connection needs to be worked out, expectations talked through, feelings expressed, desires articulated... This is a process and takes time and often we don't even know ourselves our own expectations, feelings, desires until they rear up and stare us in the face :D

Thanks so much for all your helpful comments...
 
Cool! I like hearing from the other side of the story.
 
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