Thank you for more info. So it wasn't the 1st overnight.
Sounds like at least 2 problems here.
- Harry's insecurity
- Changing open models.
It used to be (we are are a couple and we both swing) and now it is something like (Harry swings on his side, Harry and I are a couple, and then I poly my side. I am the hinge, Harry and Bob are my partners in a poly N -- cuz Bob has wife Wanda)
Both Harry and Wanda feel that we are no longer "doing the lifestyle together" with them as now it never happens.
They don't feel it. They
observe it. You and Bob don't want to do this stuff together any more -- where you and Harry go play with someone or a couple. Or Bob and Wanda do. So they might feel
sad about that.
It sounds persnickety but as you try to clean up boundaries and things in your relationship with Harry, you might consider using
- "think" for actual thoughts one thinks
- "feel" for actual emotions one is feeling
- and "observe/experience" for things one has noticed or experienced.
Not use "feel" interchangeably with "think."
Cuz if Harry's all muddly in his communication -- helping him to keep things "in their lane" by modeling that behavior could be helpful. And if not? It may help your own communication be clearer.
Harry absolutely is insecure. I know this and try to reassure him daily. Sometimes it is exhausting. We have tried therapy but he doesn't go consistently. I go weekly.
You know what? If he doesn't step it up on the therapy? Maybe that's becoming a deal breaker for you.
Because you do not exist to be his "life raft" person to always be propping him up.
This lack of consistency in attending therapy and doing his therapy homework doesn't show Harry is serious about fixing his bucket problem.
You could stop reassuring him daily. You get exhausted doing that. Cut it out. Talk to your therapist about "reasonable reassuring" in a relationship. Daily is way too much!
Privacy was discussed from day one of our relationship, 18 years ago. It has been repeatedly discussed, reinforced, modified as needed. We both agreed to not read each others email/texts; we agreed to not go through each others folders/bags/etc. If Harry wants to know anything, all he has to do it ask. The same goes for me, if I have questions.
Fair enough. So what stops him from asking questions more up front and keeping this agreement on his end?
Fear of seeming "weak" or something?
Harry does doubt my feelings for him from time to time and yes, that is what lead us to where we are now-- with him going through my things. As I said above, I try and reassure him daily but sometimes it gets exhausting telling someone the same thing over and over and never being believed.
Well, who is the one poking holes in his "assurance bucket" so it cannot stay full?
Cuz if Harry does thinking behavior or action behavior that pokes holes or kicks his bucket over? And he doesn't learn the skills of...
- how not to self trigger (so it only tips by accident and not his own doing)
- how to reassure his own self and cope when he's upset
- how to self validate so he doesn't need you as his life raft person
... no amount of you filling bucket again over and over will correct it. Because he keeps draining it himself.
Doing less than self respecting behavior like not keeping the privacy agreement and snooping? That's not behavior to feel proud of. Harry cannot hold himself in high regard or esteem doing stuff like that. So he takes a ding and bam. Hole punched in the bucket. Maybe this article helps him or you.
Self respect matters.
You are already exhausted. If being his bucket filler is like filling the black hole of need? YOU need to learn to stop filling it. And let him have and experience natural consequences.
Like if he chooses to snoop rather than keep to privacy agreement about asking up front? And he finds toys in there and upsets his own self? Well, he upset his own self then. You do not have to comfort him when he chooses to violate privacy agreement. If he wishes not to feel bad from snooping, he could not snoop.
Talk to your therapist about backing off and finding healthier balance. Harry has to step up. And he might think you are being "mean" to him in backing off some. But it's what's needed if (he's gonna be healthy) AND (you are gonna be healthy) participating in the (you+ Harry) relationship.
Don't do so much work and exhaust yourself! That is not you healthy. Do your part of fixing the problem. Back off. Stop reassuring daily. Only reassure when appropriate.
Whether or not he steps up to do his part of fixing the problem -- that's on Harry.
Harry says he was simply looking for laundry. I say it was more. My word has not become unreliable. I am open and honest with Harry, even when it hurts. Harry is looking for things that aren't there. Or, like my ex did before we split up, he is looking for things he WANTS to be there....
That would be annoying to me. But let it go. If he says he was looking for laundry? Believe him at face value and agree that laundry chores are like "If it is in the hamper on my turn to wash, I will wash. If it's all over the house, I'm not chasing it down" OR "everyone does their own personal wash, we take turns on common towels and bedding" or similar.
The bigger concern to me is
honesty hurting. Why's it hurt? HOW do you talk when you are honest with Harry? If you are comminicating calmly and fairly and it "hurts" Harry to hear it, that's on his receiving end. Like the listener part of the conversation --- maybe Harry taking it personally or something. And not a problem on the "broadcasting" part of the conversation. Or maybe it IS a problem because you are honest but spill the beans in public at a restaurant. And Harry wants "narrowcast" in private at home? Maybe that's an area to examine? HOW you are honest?
If Harry cool with what I have going on? Some days, yes...some, no. I know that. It's a daily struggle to be with someone who doesn't understand how I can possibly love them both.
Well, all you can do is be honest and consistent. What makes this a daily struggle? Having to reassure him daily? Something else? What would ease the struggle on your end?
Harry's struggle on his end is for Harry to solve. It is not solved by you "carrying" him. Like... you aren't gonna be MEAN to Harry. But you also are not going to be over-responsible and do all his jobs FOR him. Ultimately he doesn't have to understand it. He has to be able to accept that you have two partners in order to be ok being one of the V arm persons with you as the hinge on this V.
[An N is like two V's stuck together. You and Bob each are hinges. The V of (Harry- You - Bob) + the V of (you - Bob - Wanda). ]
If Harry
doesn't want to participate in a poly V thing like that? He is not up for it? Then that is something he needs to sort out inside himself and then withdraw his consent to participate. His consent belongs to him.
Alternately? If you as hinge see Harry struggling for a long time and him not really wanting to be in a V thing? But hurting himself not saying anything and doing things he doesn't really want to do because he's insecure or avoiding a break up or something?
You may have to do the kind thing and cut him loose so his suffering can end and he can start to heal. Rather than go on and and on and on struggling and suffering and never healing.
Galagirl