He tells us both he didn't want us to compete against each other, he arranges times for us to all sit down together and talk about our feelings. He claims to do that in Hope's that we each wont feel less or like we aren't enough for him when he is with the other.
And does this do anything to improve things? Or not?
He says he wants to have a relationship with all three of us so her and I can support each other.
That is what HE wants.
Do you feel like supporting her? Does she feel like supporting you? Cuz you could both dump him and be friends and support each other. He doesn't have to be in the mix at all. Why is he so bent on "orchestrating" everything? Like he does all the arranging and it goes "through" him?
You sound like you want monogamy. But you keep doing stuff with this guy that sounds kinda hinky because you love him. Then you feel yucky and wonder why you feel bad.
When you do behavior you cannot feel proud of, you cannot hold yourself in high regard or high esteem.
You cannot love someone more than you love you. You can love them a lot. Even 49% of your love. But you leave 51% for loving YOU. So you can say "No. I love you a whole lot. But not even for you will I do stuff that hurts me." Are you able to do that? You sound like you hurt here, but keep on doing it.
We have had three way sex like 5 times and that was good, I am more hetero then homosexual so I don't want three way relationship but am ok with getting along and having sex all together to change things up.
He's cheated on her with you. And possibly cheated on you with her. This is not a healthy sounding dynamic. Why have threesomes with them? That complicates rather than simplifies things.
It's almost like you want to "seem cool" with all this and thus "win him over" when really you are not all that happy here.
Yes he was cheating on her, now that we've been together for a while he is being really sweet and trying to open up more time for us.
Are YOU getting the time, care, and attention you need here? If not? Walk away. If he doesn't have the time to maintain two partners, he doesn't have it.
Don't settle for "scraps."
At first it was just about having a three way.
Why would you want to share sex with a woman he was cheating on and you were the cheating partner he was doing that with?
Can anyone explain to me what the theory is behind it being ok to sleep with and love with multiple people?
Ethical polyamory means all participants are aware and consent to practicing that model. This doesn't sound like that. It sounds like "poly" is supposed to be the "solution" to him cheating/leading both of you on. And he wants to keep access to both of you. So kinda like he's trying to talk you guys into a poly V.
You can learn more about poly here
http://practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html
https://www.morethantwo.com/
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/
Also how to feel ok with it if your not used to it and you love someone who will never be mono.
Do you prefer mono?
I'm concerned you are bending yourself into pretzels just to be with this guy and get his attention when it doesn't sound all that good or healthy here. You've gotten yourself into cheating, some kind of "competition" thing with her, and feel demeaned/used.
Now the new pretzel is him wanting you to commit for 5 years (Why 5? Why bother to commit?) and him wanting you to be ok doing poly when you sound like you prefer mono. And him wanting you to be ok doing threesomes with him and her. And him wanting you to "support her" and her you.
I think it is possible you ARE being demeaned and used. Not you "feel" used, but actually ARE being treated poorly.
He sounds like he's using you both.
If what you want is mono? Then accept you aren't getting that here.
Painful as break ups are to do... eventually one heals and the passing of time will fade the love feelings away.
Then you can move on to love someone who shares your values more and is more compatible. Where you don't have to "compete" and don't have to feel demeaned. If you like and want to do poly? Do it with non-cheating people who are more compatible. If you prefer monogamy? Do that with non-cheating people who are more compatible.
This situation is NOT ethical polyamory. It's him trying to whitewash his cheating with the poly brush and sucking you both in. I could be wrong, but that's how it sounds.
Galagirl