Poly Problems

It sounds like his ex-primary is a real problem. And I don't think she is a good match for him. I don't know if he realizes that. Have you talked with him about it? What does he have to say?

He's so upset and has his rose-colored glasses on. I was surprised his therapist gave that advice when she previously gave no contact as advice.
 
Re (from Post #39):
"His therapist told him yesterday to try to sort himself out and then choose between us."

Does his therapist not realize that she is not good for him? Where's that advice coming from?
 
It sounds like he was not able to stick to his guns on the no-contact issue. His ex-primary only had to comment twice on his social media, and immediately he was asking her to come back. :(

He definitely has his rose-colored glasses on.
 
sAR2Ce

It sounds like he was not able to stick to his guns on the no-contact issue. His ex-primary only had to comment twice on his social media, and immediately he was asking her to come back. :(

He definitely has his rose-colored glasses on.


Advice?
 
I told him that we are no longer in a relationship and that he needs to call his therapist. I told him we would see each other once a week to keep the lines of communication open....I really don't care if I end up with him. I want him. I love him like I've loved no one else, and I do think he's worth it.....

You're blaming them both, but you seem to be conflicted yourself. You are not clear in yourself about what you want so you're not standing by what you want. People can only mess with us so far as we are not square within ourselves.

A really good rule to live by is that there are two kinds of business: My business and none of my business. Your business here is only to discern what you want and to stand by that. Everything else that's going on is, well, none of your business. When we get all up in what is "none of my business" in our heads, then anxiety ensues. Simplify. Stay with your business and leave it at that.
 
Re (from PolyAnn):
"Advice?"

You must convince him to remove his rose-colored glasses. Unfortunately, I don't know how to do that. Talk to him and come out and say it? "I'm concerned that you are very upset, and that you are viewing your ex-primary through your rose-colored lenses. Can we talk about that?" Ultimately he will make his own choice about whether to take them off. And you can't push too hard, or he will just dig his heels in, right?

Perhaps you could ask him, "Where do you see yourself in five years if you get back together with your ex-primary? Will you be happy?" Then he will realize that not all is as rosy as he thinks. I hope?

You can only talk to him and hope he will listen. I feel bad, this must be a frustrating situation for you. I suppose you could contact his ex directly, and ask her to back away. But if you do that, I think it will backfire. Basically you are trying to defuse an explosive. You have to be careful, and it may still go off.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
I am sorry you continue to struggle. I mean all this kindly, ok? :eek:

I agree with FallenAngelina. This is no longer your concern. Could decide to let it GO.

In that sense my advice is largely unchanged from before. If this is stressing you out? Change how you participate or stop participating entirely.

I told him that we are no longer in a relationship and that he needs to call his therapist. I told him we would see each other once a week to keep the lines of communication open.

Sounds like they broke up. Sounds like it really annoys you that he still gets sucked back in by her.

Well, you broke up. You keep getting sucked back in by him. Sometimes when situations hold up a mirror, we don't like seeing it. :(

You do NOT need to see each other once a week "to keep lines of communication open." If this frequency is stressing you out? It could be once a month or once a semester or once a year. That is "keeping a line open." It doesn't HAVE to be a "frequent flier speed dial" kind of line. It could also be NO contact until you are more healed and more past the break up. Like 30 days no contact. THEN try being exes and friends on Low Contact. Give yourself some time and some closure first.

You could also decide that if he keeps on picking her out? To be on the edges of his network or in his network? You cannot control that part.

What you CAN control is who YOU pick out to hang around with. So if he's doing weirdo with her? Decide that you will stop picking him out. Just be (exes). Skip trying to be (exes and good friends) if doing that is damaging your mental health/stress levels.

You have choices. Exercise them. Evaluate how you choose to participate here, if at all.

If he goes back to her it will be back to the girl who ignored him, who wouldn't cuddle with him and he needs that, who didn't engage his friends and spend time with him.

And HE is free to choose that and deal with the consequences of HIS choice. We all have free will.

(Who he picks to hang out with) is not your concern as his ex.

I really don't care if I end up with him. I want him. I love him like I've loved no one else, and I do think he's worth it.

That is a mixed message. Which is also moot -- since you have broken up. You are not with him any more. Let it be done.

I can imagine that you are grieving post break up and that it is hard. :(

Perhaps navigating the bargaining stage of grief. I encourage you to focus on what YOU need to heal and do your self care. If "peeking in the window" to see what he's doing with himself after the break up results in your own break up healing process taking longer or being more stressy? You have to stop peeking and detach/distance some. Because being this close is dinging you. And you are the one putting yourself this close. :(

I just want him to be happy and giving her all the power and not asking for changes and just going back to the same thing isn't okay.

You can wish him well and hope he finds happiness. That is ok.

The part in grey is not up to you. Those are his behaviors to decide/do.

Make a concious effort to stop concerning yourself with his choices that HE has to make. You are NOT him. I think you are allowing his stuff to take up too much of your time and energy. HE is in charge of his happiness/non-happiness. He is in charge of what he wants to be doing post-breakup in HIS life.

YOU could focus on your own stuff. What YOU need to be more at ease, less stressed, and more at peace post break up in YOUR life. Attend to your OWN happiness. Attend to your own self care. Stop neglecting your stuff in favor of over-involvement in his stuff.

You did not sound happy (in this situation) before.

You also do not sound happy (being broken up but still peeking in the window to see what he is doing.)

Your behavior could change. Just be (broken up with NO peeking.)

I suggest you let it go and let it be what it will be on his end. Let him be responsible for his own self. Get yourself out of the line of fire and stop being so close to this. Stop peeking in his window.

If you are no longer dating him? Dial down the weekly contact to something more manageable if you want to be (exes and friends). Like once a month or less.

And if he brings her up? You say "No. That is stuff you talk to your therapist about. We no longer date, I'm no longer in your romantic network. And because of the recent break up and trying to be good exes and friends, I cannot be the sounding board for that. Please respect my limit."

If he does not respect it? Stop hanging out with a person who does not respect your limit. Just be (exes) and not trying to be (exes and friends.) It is not your job to be his life preserver. He has a therapist.

I'm at a loss, guys.

I get this is frustrating. But you do not have to stay at a loss adrift in a pile of snow. You could create your own path. You have options you can exercise. You could make a decision and start shoveling in that direction.

When you make a firm decision and then align your own behavior toward that? Things get a lot simpler.

You get to ask yourself "I want to be THERE. Does this behavior help me get there or not?"

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Thank guys. You're all right. Gala, thanks for going into depth. I needed to hear all of that. I'm very careful about love and I wasn't this time. I have to let it go even though I clearly see the path and how well suited we are for each other.
 
Glad you took it in the spirit intended and that it helped you some. :eek:

We can meet a lot of people. Some who are initially compatible and maybe really close for more. But for one reason or another? No. It has to be a pass. Because even really close? Is still NO. Not a match for deep compatibility. It can be very disappointing.

I can see how much you care about him. But he has problems with boundaries and saying no and wanting to get back with this ex who sounds unhealthy. Being this close to all this is harming YOUR mental health. So you cannot allow it. :(

You can love someone a whole lot. But you have to be able to say "Not even for you will I do things that hurt me. "

I'm sorry you hurt right now. I hope in time you find healing and more peace. :eek:

GG
 
Last edited:
Things took a major turn for the worse. After saying he didn't know if he wanted a relationship and blowing extremely hot and extremely cold he took the physical component of our relationship away and retreated so far into himself I couldn't find him anymore.

I went to him and told him I can't help him through this. He needs to finish his therapy and help himself. We have a few more events on the calendar until January and we will continue to do those but after that it's no contact. And in between those events it is no contact.

I need to feel better. I have no joy, I can't eat or sleep. My stomach is messed up. My pillow hasn't been dry for a long time.

He teared up once. He asked if he could contact me and I said no, no contact outside of the events.

Otherwise, honestly, he seemed relieved and okay with it.

I use a lot of instagram stories for my job, I had one scheduled to post about an hour after I left him and he viewed it within five seconds.

After the last event in January (my birthday weekend) I will block him on everything including text.

My heart is completely broken. I loved him in a pure way I haven't loved anyone. It was worth it to feel that and see what kind of partner I can truly be.

I am moving on but I hope his therapy helps him and he comes back to me the man that I fell in love with.
 
Hi PolyAnn,

Thanks for keeping us updated on your situation, I'm sorry things are going so badly right now. He definitely has some self-work to do, I can't imagine what's pushing him this far astray. It's almost like he has some kind of chemical imbalance, as if caused by a brain tumor or somesuch. It's like you said, he wasn't like this in the past. We could speculate that breaking up with his ex is what's causing this, but it could be the other way around, his ex could have left him because of this condition. If he doesn't get a handle on it, he may end up alone.

You have been hurt by all this. Anyone in your shoes would. I think going no-contact with him may allow you to get to a place of some healing, even if it's painful at the moment. :(

Hang in there,
Kevin T.
 
If these events are too painful, it is ok to not even do those. It's ok to block him now. It's ok to do your bday on your own.

Please take care of yourself.

This all sounds very stressful. :(

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Are the events so locked in that you can neither skip them nor ask him to skip them? I mean, your Birthday weekend?!

Leetah
 
Well this has ended in a fiery train wreck.

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving, it was beautiful. Then we had a wonderful six hour road trip on Friday to a music festival. Friday night of the festival was WONDERFUL.

He posted a pic of me and him and my cute balloon we bought on Instagram. I also bought him the festival hat.

He also posted several other pictures.

His ex commented on the photo of us and asked about the hat. Saturday of the festival he started texting her. She was begging him to come meet up and hug her. I was pretty high as it was a festival and I stupidly trusted him again. He let me read the texts. The earlier ones were there that I mentioned in previous posts. I honestly can't remember much besides him saying he misses her and also saying they shouldn't meet up.

He told me he was texting her and then he started the whole let's break up thing again. I'm not okay mentally so we fight and he gets more and more agitated. He didn't leave me to go be with her but he obviously resented that he didn't. He gets so confused when she messes with him.

He also told me he lied to me and the ex that he slept with the third partner without a condom. He was saying anything he could to obviously hurt me. And because of my altered state of mind it did.

Sunday on the way home I told him I wanted a real break.

Then he says "I feel better now that you've said that. Now I want to spend time with you."

WTF?

He dropped me off and went home Sunday. He texted me he made it home (because I asked. It was a long drive and we were both very sleepy. I just wanted to make sure he made it safe.)

Monday he texts and asks if I have an item we share (a board game) and I said yes and he didn't say anything else.

Today Tuesday I haven't heard from him at all.

Guys, I have loved him so honestly and openly. I have accepted everything he's thrown at me from texting her I miss you to texting her while I'm standing right beside him six hours away from home.

I really want this to work but I just don't know how anymore.
 
I mean this kindly, ok? :eek:

I told him that we are no longer in a relationship and that he needs to call his therapist. I told him we would see each other once a week to keep the lines of communication open.

What part of you breaking up with him 2 weeks ago was not a real break up to you?

I get it is fresh, just 2 weeks. You are gonna be sad and stuff.

The second part trying to hang out with him once a week? It is NOT working for you. Let it GO. There is no need for it to be weekly contact. It doesn't have to be any contact at all.

If you keep hanging out with him, that is not broken up behavior. You have to align your behaviors to your goal/desired outcome. At this point in time, the problem is not him. The problem is you not exercising self discipline/follow through. You have to cut the cord. Not just in words, but in ACTIONS. :(

Sunday on the way home I told him I wanted a real break.

Then he says "I feel better now that you've said that. Now I want to spend time with you."

WTF?

What he is doing is called push-pull. If "broken up" before was not "a real break up" to you? I hope you are ready to REALLY let it be broken up now.

I have no more new advice to give. I think you need to break up and let it STAY broken up. No hanging out, no events, zero contact.

It messes with your head when you choose to hang out with him. It happens over and over.

The one choosing to keep hanging out some more despite past experiences? Is you.

The one who will decide to STOP going back for more of the same? Is you.

YOU have to take personal responsibility over your own wellness. Stop seeing this guy if you want your wellness to improve. Otherwise expect more of same and expect your wellness to keep on being dinged. :(

Guys, I have loved him so honestly and openly. I have accepted everything he's thrown at me from texting her I miss you to texting her while I'm standing right beside him six hours away from home.

I really want this to work but I just don't know how anymore.

You could STOP accepting everything. Stop accepting poor treatment like the devaluation and push-pull. Because that's part of the "accepting everything" that you have been doing.

You could decide to make it work for just YOU and YOUR mental health. By keeping away from him. No more new dings. You could learn about the stages of grief and figure out which one you are on. It might not be a straight line through them. You might jiggle up and down. At this time you do not seem to be at final acceptance. I can imagine this is hard on you.

At the same time? I strongly suggest you cut the cord. If you have to linger? Linger in the healing space. Not the dragging it out on and on and on space. :(

Let time apart fade down whatever love feelings. You can still love him all you want. Just from a distance and in memory. Because loving him up close? Is hurting you over and over. Sounds kinda toxic. Could decide to get off that merry-go-round and not buy a new ticket for another spin.

You need to be able to say "I love him a whole lot. But NO. Not even for him will I do stuff or stay in stuff that hurts ME repeatedly. I have to STOP because I have to love me too. Me choosing to keep going there is ME choosing to hurt me. I cannot allow that. It is not self loving, self respecting, or self honoring behavior."

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
You don't think it is good or healthy for him to keep letting his ex mess with him. Why do you keep thinking that you should accept him doing it to you? Don't do any more events with him. You can sell or give away any previously bought tickets. You told him you are done. Tell yourself you are done and be done. Take care of yourself.

Leetah
 
Re (from PolyAnn):
"I really want this to work but I just don't know how anymore."

It seems to me that his ex has great power over him. Like all she has to do is snap her fingers and he will run to her, text her, resent you, and tell you he wants to break up with you. You must somehow convince him to stop listening to her. Like he should cut her off, not even talk to her anymore, and not read any more of her texts. More to the point, she needs to stop contacting him. Can you contact her, and tell her to back off? Would she listen?

It is obvious that you are in a lot of pain. :( I wish I knew what I could do to help.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
You must somehow convince him to stop listening to her.

Why would that be PolyAnn's job?

PolyAnn said:
I need to feel better. I have no joy, I can't eat or sleep. My stomach is messed up. My pillow hasn't been dry for a long time.

Esp when it would just keep PolyAnn engaged in a situation that makes her very upset, super stressed, and crying lots? :confused:

There's a point where one must throw in the towel and prioritize their OWN well being rather than prioritize trying to keep a very draining relationship afloat. Draining relationships are not healthy. Cannot keep trying to fly a kite that will not fly.

I think PolyAnn could focus on what PolyAnn can actually control in PolyAnn's behaviors: Whether or not she keeps hanging around him since he does not change anything.

PolyAnn cannot MAKE the ex stop contacting him. The ex controls her own behavior.

PolyAnn cannot MAKE him stop engaging and talking to his ex. He controls his own behavior. Presumably they are both ok with how it is... weird though it may be or sound to others. Cuz they aren't changing anything about it.

So if it bothers PolyAnn to to be around these people to THIS level of upset? It is damaging her health? And no changes are forthcoming?

What she can still control is her staying-ness / proximity to these people.

I get that it can be very hard to feel and experience. Yet the actions are straightforward: Could STOP participating here. Walk away and not be so close to these people. Disengage completely.

Result: No more banging head on wall about this and a chance to begin healing from it rather than being dinged over and over. :(

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Back
Top