Inyourendo
New member
I will not be with a smoker. If my husband decided to start smoking the choices are don't smoke or we split, It's not a power play at all.
Vinsanity, my phrasing may have been poor, but no, it isn't a power play. It's a statement of cause and effect. "Because I am unable to accept you having sex with someone else, if you choose to do so, I will choose to end the marriage because I will not be willing to live with someone who is having sex with someone else."
That isn't saying "You have to do what I say or else." It's saying "If you do this, I will do that." You're still giving the person the choice, but just as they informed you of their wish to choose to have sex with someone else, you're informing them of your wish to choose to end the marriage if they do have sex with someone else.
"That isn't saying 'You have to do what I say or else.' It's saying 'If you do this, I will do that.'"
I can't revoke "consent" for them to do it, because it doesn't have to do with my own body.
So ... they automatically have my consent? I'm confused.
I agree cheating is breaking the rules. I don't agree that it is ethical to avoid breaking a rule simply by stating you are no longer going to follow it.
__________________
Yes, but when someone consents to a monogamous relationship, that is what they are consenting to, 1v1. They are not consenting to the slightly higher chances of STIs that one takes when having multiple sexual aprtners, they are not consenting to being okay with their partner taking time away from their responsibilities to be with another sexual/romantic partner. That's where consent comes into play. I have not consented to taking those risks with my body and wellbeing. There are ways you can navigate this, by say, withdrawing all sexual activity so your sex with more than one person the rest is pretty hard to circumvent.
Is it cheating if the wife informs her husband that she will no longer remain monogamous but he doesn't consent?
True. But does consenting to a monogamous relationship (or consenting to anything once for that matter) mean you cannot withdraw or renegotiate that consent later? If you cannot withdraw consent at a later date, for any reason, it's not true consent in my opinion. Of course, me withdrawing my consent to be in a sexually exclusive relationship does not compel you to agree to consent to being a sexually non-exclusive relationship. That much seems obvious.
Yes, it's cheating if she pursues someone else. Her choice is then to cheat or divorce him so that it's not cheating. She previously made a promise to him, and he is not releasing her from the promise. She can only release herself by ending the marriage.
"So Kevin, was your view that ethical nonmonogamy required the consent of both members of a married couple and if one member did not consent then the other member was bound to their vows to forsake all others and cleave only to each other until death do part?"
"That view, it seems to me, was based on people understanding that one can only be released from promises and vows by the person to whom the promise was made."
So, in the case of me wanting to open our marriage when my wife doesn't want to open it, which of the following is the more ethical?
- I divorce my wife. Then I go and have sex with other people.
- I tell my wife that I'm going to have sex with other people, and that my wife can decide whether she wants to divorce me.
And the least ethical is just having sex without any sort of explanation or dissolution of the marriage. I think these options are too simplistic, most married people have some tolerance for cheating and to be a little flexible for something (marriage) they think is important. I think your suggestion for discussion, therapy, and time to process the marital change is good:So, in the case of me wanting to open our marriage when my wife doesn't want to open it, which of the following is the more ethical?
- I divorce my wife. Then I go and have sex with other people.
- I tell my wife that I'm going to have sex with other people, and that my wife can decide whether she wants to divorce me.
I suppose I didn't properly think through what happens when one spouse wants poly, but the other spouse wants no poly. If I had been confronted with that theoretical question before starting this thread, perhaps I would have said that the marital covenant is not all-powerful, but it's powerful enough to forbid the pro-poly spouse from acting on their desire to be poly at least until a year of negotiations have taken place, preferably with marriage counseling.