Casual three some but I want poly relationship

curiousjanet

New member
Me and my husband have been married for 7 years, together 10. We have discussed polyamory, open marriage, etc. He decided he was not comfortable with all of that and suggested a three some. Well we tried the other night. Met his buddy at a bar. I had so much fun being able to be all over this guy who I've wanted to sleep with since I first met him. I can't sleep with anyone I don't have chemistry with. Anyway to start with me, the husband, and the friend were in the backseat of our car while our other friend drove home. The friend was snuggling up to me and kissing on my neck and so was husband. After driver took himself home me and friend were in the backseat while husband drove to location. While it was just me and friend in the back it was perfect. We snuggled and kissed and talked and stuff When it came down to it the friend got uncomfortable with husband being involved and he just played with my boobs and rubbed my back (seriously massaged my back while I was on top of my husband) and stuff while hubby did the deed. Anyway this entire scenario really proved to me that I want polyamory. I wasn't even mad or upset that things didn't work out. And my favorite thing was the conversation in the backseat where I found out friend is a person who can only sleep with people he has chemistry with and actually feels a little guilty for having chemistry with me. Friend wants to try again and husband is okay with it even though he seen the chemistry and emotions between us. I know if I bring up emotions husband will be mad. If I don't bring up emotions I'm worried it may be some sort of betrayal. I want poly and husband knows this so what did he think would happen. He said he doesn't want it to be with just friend, he wants a mff and for me to find other guys for mfm too. I just told him there's not any other guys I have chemistry with right now and he's okay with that. Problem is I want more. I want to be able to text and talk to friend without him present. I'm fine with sex only if he's involved because I'm more of an emotional person. I have a feeling these thoughts are going down the wrong rode but I don't know what to do. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
 
Sounds like your husband just wants the excitement of threesome sex. If you aren't on board with that, you don't have to be. Polyamory isn't only--if at all--about threesomes, it's about having a loving relationship with more than one person. For some, sex isn't involved at all. For many for whom sex is involved, it's solely one-on-one sex, just not always with the same partner.

You also say your husband wants MFF. I didn't notice if you said in your post; are you bisexual? Or is your husband just expecting you to play with a woman because he wants you to? FMF is also a thing; I had two threesomes with a married couple several years ago, and the wife and I never touched each other.
 
I haven't been with a woman since I've been with my husband. I still find them very attractive I was just always more about one on one. I still am but I kinda decided to compromise to be able to spend time with the guy I like. I know it's bad but it's the truth. I'm hoping that maybe husband will agree to be more open but honestly it will probably just lead to problems.
 
This is just my opinion... but to me, if you're having threesomes just so you can be with the person you're interested in, that isn't really fair to any of you. You're settling for something that isn't your preference; your husband is getting an inaccurate idea of what you're okay with since you're going along with him; and the other guy has to deal with having your husband in the room if he wants to have sex with you.

It's a recipe for hurt feelings, anger, resentment, and possibly the end of a friendship and/or marriage.
 
I know you are right. I have become interested in the threesome idea but I can't do random or casual. And random and casual is what my husband wants. I'm just going to have to talk to him and tell him how I really feel. I knew what I needed to do, guess I was just hoping there was another option.
 
If your husband still wants random and casual threesome sex, he could always look for other couples who are looking for a guy to join them. Sure, statistically there are more MF couples out there, so he has more chance of being invited to an MFM situation, but my gf and I are both bi and have occasionally sought out a guy to join us. It might be rare, but it's something to consider. You shouldn't feel under pressure to have three way sex just to fulfil his fantasies or 'buy' his willingness/compliance to fulfil your desires. If you both see each other as the autonomous beings you are, and both take responsibility for satisfying your own sexual wants, then it's totally possible to accommodate both of your different yearnings and remain happily married.
 
The problem is I would be okay with him doing that but he wouldn't be okay with what I want. I had an emotional affair (strictly online) a few years ago. Now he can't handle emotional involvement. He also has to know every detail about everything so if I were to date someone he would want to know every detail of every conversation and everything. When I do tell him everything he still thinks I left something out. Found out that detail when he gave me a hall pass and I used it. Think that's why he's okay with threesomes but not what I want, he's worried he won't know everything. When he busted the emotional affair I told him everything but he still thought I was leaving out details because there was some things I didn't remember. Some people can do poly and/open marriage but he's not one of them.
 
If that's the case, then I think you've found your answer. :( If he's not willing to entertain the idea, then continuing down the threesome route is just setting you (and possibly the people you meet) up for heartbreak. It's time to decide if you can be happy monogamously attached to him, sexually and emotionally, or not.

It's a shame, but I think pushing him is not the way. He has to want to try to get over his insecurities, or to see himself as separate from you enough to recognise that you forming attachments to others is no threat to your relationship even if the reverse (him forming attachments to others) might be. The online affair won't have helped any, but at the same time, I would resist putting all of his attitudes down to that. Some people are genuinely better suited to monogamy, and even if trust between the two of you were rock solid, his feelings might be no different. He's been as clear as he can be - he needs you to be emotionally attached to him only, and is only secure with allowing you to have sex with others in his direct presence. You now need to be clear to him about whether that's enough for you, or if you need the freedom to form those deep emotional attachments and/or have the one-on-one sexual connections you crave.
 
Thanks for your input. I know you are right. I have some serious thinking to do. I can't imagine my life without him, yet ironically I can't imagine life with just him. Most wouldn't understand that but I'm sure some here will. I need to evaluate everything and have a serious conversation with the husband.
 
Thanks for your input. I know you are right. I have some serious thinking to do. I can't imagine my life without him, yet ironically I can't imagine life with just him. Most wouldn't understand that but I'm sure some here will. I need to evaluate everything and have a serious conversation with the husband.

I think a lot of people here do understand. Good luck to you.
 
I think my husband is clueless where emotions are concerned. We had a heart to heart yesterday. I told him how I feel and what I think. I explained I want poly and he asked lots of questions about different things. At the end of our conversation he told me how he doesn't think he could ever be comfortable with something like that but only time will tell. he still wants to continue threesomes with friend. He asked if I would want to experience a threesomes with anyone else and I told him no, just friend. I told him what I want and how I do not want anyone else besides him and friend. I guess just gonna continue like it is. Friend is coming up this weekend and we are all going out and then getting a hotel room. I don't know what to do with all these mixed signals, maybe one day I would be okay with that, I understand your emotions and feeling but let's continue going out together and doing thing. I'm more confused now than ever.
 
I think my husband is clueless where emotions are concerned. ... I explained I want poly and he asked lots of questions about different things. At the end of our conversation he told me how he doesn't think he could ever be comfortable with something like that...

Take this one. He is NOT willing to be ok with poly.
Yet he is playing with fire with the threesome, and perhaps doesn't even realize how much (because he is clueless about emotions?).
 
Kinda my thoughts exactly. I feel like he is tangling something in front of me that I want but it's just beyond my reach. He has done this before. He gave me a hall pass a few years ago and then went crazy and we argued for a month after I used said hall pass. I told him yesterday that this is different because you don't play with someone's emotions. He still wants to pursue threesomes. I'm just going to see how the weekend goes and go from there. Maybe it's a baby step toward something or maybe it's a crash and burn situation. Guess only time will tell. Problem is I love my husband and don't want things to crash and burn.
 
Kinda my thoughts exactly. I feel like he is tangling something in front of me that I want but it's just beyond my reach. He has done this before. He gave me a hall pass a few years ago and then went crazy and we argued for a month after I used said hall pass. I told him yesterday that this is different because you don't play with someone's emotions. He still wants to pursue threesomes. I'm just going to see how the weekend goes and go from there. Maybe it's a baby step toward something or maybe it's a crash and burn situation. Guess only time will tell. Problem is I love my husband and don't want things to crash and burn.

Watch out. Maybe one more weekend is fine, but don't just go along. I get the feeling your husband is sitting behind the steering wheel in your relationship in general, certainly in this situation. But in this case, you and your friend are the ones, who are likely to get burnt most, because you are the ones developing feelings. If feelings develop and he panics two more months in? He told you he is not ok with poly, right? Will you have to choose? You are not going to give up husband at that point, are you? I see you broken-hearted there, much more then today while friend is still just friend.
Choose your own direction now. Don't give up responsibility on what is happening. You cannot just ask your husband to ride in the direction you want to. You have to steer your life yourself.
 
I understand all of that. And truthfully it's his friend not mine, well at least that's how it started. I know I need to rid myself of the situation but I know if I do then he (husband) will flip out. As much as I hate to admit it you are correct that husband is "sitting behind the steering wheel". I think after this weekend we will have another long talk and most likely put an end to the friend being involved
 
I understand all of that. And truthfully it's his friend not mine, well at least that's how it started. I know I need to rid myself of the situation but I know if I do then he (husband) will flip out. As much as I hate to admit it you are correct that husband is "sitting behind the steering wheel". I think after this weekend we will have another long talk and most likely put an end to the friend being involved

If so, why go through with the attempted threesome at all? To me, this satisfies no-one. Your husband may even use it as a weapon against you in future discussions, or as proof of his intent to compromise, when in fact a threesome with his buddy is further away from what you desire than him simply being cool with you going to the movies with this guy and holding hands. I think you need to hit the brakes on this one, truly. Or at the very very least ensure that a) friend knows this is likely a one-time thing and husband is not feeling very stable with the idea, and b) that this is NOT a mid-way point, or a compromise towards you getting to try the poly lifestyle you want. At most it is a sexual kink that you would be willing to explore with your husband, and that you cannot promise to him in advance that it won't strengthen your feelings for this guy/bring you closer to falling in love with another person. If all three of you still want to go ahead once this is mutually understood, then fine. But I imagine that at least one of you will realise before then that this is not actually what you want, and is just opening a whole can of worms for your marriage, his friendship, and your heart. :(
 
Thank you for all your advice. I know I'm an idiot who doesn't listen to reason. I always play the what if this actually worked the way I want it to scenario in my mind. Stupid I know because it never happens like that.
 
No need to call yourself names. You simply have some regrets you have to process after this recent threesome.

I think you called it in your earlier post.

I haven't been with a woman since I've been with my husband. I still find them very attractive I was just always more about one on one. I still am but I kinda decided to compromise to be able to spend time with the guy I like. I know it's bad but it's the truth. I'm hoping that maybe husband will agree to be more open but honestly it will probably just lead to problems.

It is not compromise, hon. It is deception. And yes, deception can lead to more problems.

You wanted to date the crush man, but DH doesn't want poly. So to gain access to the crush man under any guise, you agreed to group sex because that's all DH is up for. You go there, and now as a result of you not being up front and honest, there's new problems and feelings of regretting your behavior.

Because DH is all like "Whee! We can have more group sex with other people since you are up for group sex now!" and you are all like "I don't want group sex. Just want to be able to date crush man."

So now back to the (original conversation about poly) + (apologizing for deception and dealing with DH being upset about that)

You and DH really need to talk this out and not make more "jumping the gun" mistakes.

Your husband, at best, could be monoamorous (desire or capacity to love only one) and polysexual (desire or capacity to share sex with more than one). He seems to want the excitement of not just other partners but group sex situations. Whether or not he can actually handle that is something else.

You want are polyamorous and poly sexual. You want to share love with more than one, and share sex with more than one. Not sure about the group sex -- you seem experimenty there.

Does this mean you two have become fundamentally incompatible? I guess that's the next thing you guys would have to talk about.

I know I need to rid myself of the situation but I know if I do then he (husband) will flip out.

Apologize for the deception. Let him cool off. Then continue the deep conversations you guys could have been having all long.

This time? I suggest you stick to being honest and not compromising your integrity. Speak your truth. If even at a whisper.

Could DH be up for an Open relationship?

Where on his side, he loves you and enjoy his group sex on his own? And then on your side you love him and then enjoy your other poly relationships on your own?

Galagirl
 
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You make some valid points but I don't see it as deception. Husband and I talked before anything happened. He suggested we try this with friend. I agreed. After I agreed husband asked why because he knows I don't do random. I explained to him how I think friend is hot and fun, and I've had a crush on him since I met him. Husband knew about the crush before anything ever even happened.
 
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