I don't think I'm poly, actually...

anomaly

New member
How many of you here don't actually identify as poly?

I'm asking, because my partner identifies as poly - sex is usually a gateway to relationship for them, they're not really into "casual sex", etc.

I think I may be able to love more than one person. I mean, I've done it in the past, although handling two relationships at once was really difficult - draining, in fact. Maybe it was the people involved or the circumstances.

Part of it is that I'm an introvert. I need lots of alone time and I spent the rest of the time seeing friends one on one and taking classes. It takes me a while to recharge, usually, even after seeing people I care about, sometimes even my partner.

I can't really handle a lot in terms of other people's expectations re: emotional availability, processing, etc. I enjoy having FWBs and I do care about them, but I don't want to make serious commitments to others besides my partner. I don't know how my partner does it, but they get some needs fulfilled through another relationship that I cannot fulfill myself. I'm totally ok with that!

Anyone else?
 
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I can relate in some ways. I do not identify as poly but have been with a poly partner for two years. I like the independence it provides and the ability to sustain my own relationships without the feeling I have to invite my partner to everything. I do struggle at times as I cannot relate to some of my partner's behaviors, thoughts and opinions on sex and relationships. I, myself, do not feel a desire to date others at this time for many of the reasons you mentioned. Time, energy, emotional. Would be happy to discuss this further if there are specific things you're looking to talk about. On here or offline.
 
How many of you here don't actually identify as poly?

Me!!!

I'm asking, because my partner identifies as poly - sex is usually a gateway to relationship for them, they're not really into "casual sex", etc

I'm actually like your partner in that way - zero interest in sex without at least some level of ongoing emotional commitment. I can do FWBs if there is truly a Friend component, but one night stands or booty calls, no thanks.

My not identifying as poly comes from the simple fact that for me, multiple relationships are a nice thing to have, but not a *need*. I was in monogamous relationships most of my life, and I probably will be again at some point. It never felt stifling or like something was missing. I never craved new partners.

I'm in a poly relationship now because it's the relationship configuration that works best for me right now. And I'm capable of loving lots of people and managing multiple relationships (well, usually ;))But to me that's very different from feeling like being poly is a part of *who I am*, if that makes any sense.
 
Hi anomaly,

Re (from OP):
"How many of you here don't actually identify as poly?"

I consider myself to be poly even though I only have one partner. I guess it's because I have a metamour, or, maybe it's just that I'm an avid supporter of poly.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I think that I can relate a little. I have been trying unsuccessfully to meet someone and start a relationship outside of my marriage but it hasn't worked out. I am also an introvert and I suffer from general and social anxiety disorders. Makes meeting people difficult. I realized the other day that, even though I know I have the capacity to love and be in love with more than one person, I don't want to do that right now. So I decided that I will be mono while my wife remains poly. This decision brings up a lot of fears but I think it is what I need to do right now. I just don't have the energy to devote to more than one relationship.
 
Thanks for asking this question and laying out how you feel, as this has really helped me think about my own situation. I really relate to this section of what you wrote - the only difference being I'm not an introvert.

c.

I think I may be able to love more than one person. I mean, I've done it in the past, although handling two relationships at once was really difficult - draining, in fact. Maybe it was the people involved or the circumstances.

[…]

I can't really handle a lot in terms of other people's expectations re: emotional availability, processing, etc. I enjoy having FWBs and I do care about them, but I don't want to make serious commitments to others besides my partner. I don't know how my partner does it, but they get some needs fulfilled through another relationship that I cannot fulfill myself. I'm totally ok with that!

I guess I don't really identify as personally being polyamorous OR monogamous. To me, both terms are descriptions of types of relationships, not personal identities. So I am in a polyamorous relationship - the door is always open for me to fall in love with multiple people - but because I find it very intense and draining, I sort of feel like it's unlikely to happen. I'm not deliberately cutting myself off from emotional development with people, it's just that I'm really happy just spending the majority of my time and energy on Nina. Maybe that will change one day, who knows, but for now that's how I feel.

Probing deeper, I realise that NRE causes me a lot of anxiety. Having previously taken quite a conservative approach to interpersonal relationships, I feel like my mind has been utterly blown (in a good way!) by the very concept of sexual friendship. To me, it has opened up so many amazing possibilities, without landing me with any of the crazy hormonal rushes that I associate with deep romantic attachment. I get to enjoy all the fun sexual feelings, but in the (for me) calmer boat of friendship. Sex definitely changes the nature of that friendship, and takes it to a deeper place, but in a way that feels emotionally safer to me.

So, if I *were* to try to use terms to describe me and not just my chosen relationship structure, I'd probably go with monoamorous and polysexual.
 
To me, both terms are descriptions of types of relationships, not personal identities. So I am in a polyamorous relationship - the door is always open for me to fall in love with multiple people - but because I find it very intense and draining, I sort of feel like it's unlikely to happen. I'm not deliberately cutting myself off from emotional development with people, it's just that I'm really happy just spending the majority of my time and energy on Nina. Maybe that will change one day, who knows, but for now that's how I feel.

I can't thank you enough for writing this down. I've been struggling with finding the words for where I am and I think you've really helped me.
 
I can do FWBs if there is truly a Friend component, but one night stands or booty calls, no thanks.

My not identifying as poly comes from the simple fact that for me, multiple relationships are a nice thing to have, but not a *need*. I was in monogamous relationships most of my life, and I probably will be again at some point. It never felt stifling or like something was missing. I never craved new partners.

I'm in a poly relationship now because it's the relationship configuration that works best for me right now. And I'm capable of loving lots of people and managing multiple relationships (well, usually ;))But to me that's very different from feeling like being poly is a part of *who I am*, if that makes any sense.

What's wrong with seeing "poly" as a spectrum with great diversity between the extremes -- and including yourself somewhere in that spectrum.

I totally relate to "I can do FWBs if there is truly a Friend component, but one night stands or booty calls, no thanks." And I feel like such a damn outsider in our currently popular "hookup" culture, where caring for and liking your sex partner is oh just so much unnecessary bother.

I think the culture of enforced monogamy is just as dumb as the who-gives-a-shit culture of disposable people. There. I said it.
 
I am finding this thread very interesting. I am the extrovert in my marriage. I need people. I like deeply getting to know people, it's very invigorating for me. It does not have to have a romantic or sexual component, but it's sweet and incredible when those things align.
I still struggle with the concept of a poly "lifestyle". I don't have a lifestyle, I have a life, that just so happens to include relationships with two women. I equally don't feel I live a "gay lifestyle..." But I digress.
My wife is incredible introverted. Likely as introverted as I am extroverted. She knows that door is open if she ever met anyone, but she won't look. She finds few people worth the energy investment it requires to be even friends. The right person would literally have to fall into her lap. I hope they do someday.
 
What's wrong with seeing "poly" as a spectrum with great diversity between the extremes -- and including yourself somewhere in that spectrum.

That kinda implies that a person falls somewhere on the spectrum in how poly he/she is. My experience of poly is that my desire for it varies considerably depending on the lovers in my life - who they are as individuals and how I feel about them and what the relationship wants to be. I have a long term FWB whom I love, but don't pine for and don't have sex with right now. That might change in the future. This past summer I was dating four guys at once and it was super romantic and fun. Now I'm with one guy who totally captivates me and we're intoxicated with only each other. Just how "poly" a person is can vary a great deal.

My experience of poly is that it's a relationship choice, an option - not an orientation like homosexuality. There seem to be a lot of people, though, who experience poly as being the way they are, no matter who the other players are, tho, so maybe your spectrum analogy would be fitting for them.
 
I do not identify as poly, but my boyfriend is, and is happily married.
I am an ambivert: I need social interaction but also need alone time to recharge.

I can agree that poly, even mongamy, can be classified on a spectrum. My friends and I discuss our sexuality as a spectrum, so why not relationship identity too?
 
I do not identify as poly, but my boyfriend is, and is happily married.
I am an ambivert: I need social interaction but also need alone time to recharge.

I can agree that poly, even mongamy, can be classified on a spectrum. My friends and I discuss our sexuality as a spectrum, so why not relationship identity too?

I'd refer you to the post before yours.

I'm curious how an ambivert is different than the average person? I don't know of anyone who socializes constantly and who doesn't need a bit of quiet in between being with others. There are so many labels now and I'm not sure what purpose some of them serve.
 
I'd refer you to the post before yours.

I'm curious how an ambivert is different than the average person? I don't know of anyone who socializes constantly and who doesn't need a bit of quiet in between being with others. There are so many labels now and I'm not sure what purpose some of them serve.

Ambivert is someone who has qualities of both. A simple explanation:
I am drawn to people, I get energy from social gatherings and am pretty outgoing. (Extrovert)
It’s draining to be around lots of people. I prefer peace, solitude and quiet time. I usually crave alone time in my free time. (Introvert)
It depends. (Ambivert)

I enjoy social gatherings and get a lot of energy from them, sometimes. And there are times where I just can't bear the thought of being around a lot of people.

There are a lot of labels for things, yes. But it's not a black & white world either. I can say I'm an extrovert and did for a long time. But that also denies the introvert qualities I have. Ambivert acknowledges both
 
I am wired for poly. It's not a random choice depending on who comes along. I just get attracted easily, and love many.

In 3rd grade I had 2 boyfriends named Doug. One day, I was in the front yard with one Doug, and the other Doug stopped by to see me. They got jealous of each other, had a fistfight, made up and walked off down the street together, leaving me alone. LOL It was actually amusing to my 9 year old self.
 
Kids have a way of making things simple. :)
 
I think it's almost impossible to find one model for explaining monogamy/polyamory, because people have such drastically different views and experiences.

The spectrum model ... there are people who don't "identify" anywhere on the spectrum. I get confused just trying to figure out where I'd land. I imagine my reaction is similar to an asexual person trying to figure out where they fall on the Kinsey scale - I could try to place myself somewhere, but the scale isn't quite measuring the right thing.

I just don't think of being poly or mono as having anything to do with who I am. It's not a core part of me, the way being straight or being an extrovert is. For me, those words describe relationship configurations. "Being poly" is like "being married". A description of my relationship status that can change. I'm married, but if I got divorced, I'd still be the same me. My best friend is single, and if she got married tomorrow, she'd be the same person. But she would no longer be single. If I stopped seeing more than one person at a time, I'd no longer call myself poly.

But I do understand that a lot of people DO feel poly even when they are in monogamous relationships, and see it as an important part of who they are. When I read things like this...

I am wired for poly. It's not a random choice depending on who comes along. I just get attracted easily, and love many

... it just reinforces my need to not call myself poly or poly flexible or ... anything. I don't feel that poly identity, and claiming it would feel dishonest, somehow, like calling myself bi because I kissed a girl on a drunken dare in college.
 
I'm curious how an ambivert is different than the average person? I don't know of anyone who socializes constantly and who doesn't need a bit of quiet in between being with others. There are so many labels now and I'm not sure what purpose some of them serve.

I don't know about statistics of the population in general, and suspect it differs from culture to culture. But I can definitely take a stand for the reality, validity and significance of introversion, extroversion and ambiversion. I was decidedly introverted for most of my life, and grew into ambiversion only fairly recently. There is definitely a spectrum here, and ambiversion is near or at the middle of it. Those who occupy the far ends of this spectrum are quite different from one another.

The extreme points at the far ends of the spectrum are quite different from one another, as is the middle point in relation to the others. I have no idea if there is anything like a bell curve here, with ambiverts as "average, but suspect it's far more wide a distribution than that.

I find Keirsey's words on this topic helpful. http://www.keirsey.com/4temps/overview_temperaments.asp
 
But I do understand that a lot of people DO feel poly even when they are in monogamous relationships, and see it as an important part of who they are. When I read things like this...



... it just reinforces my need to not call myself poly or poly flexible or ... anything. I don't feel that poly identity, and claiming it would feel dishonest, somehow, like calling myself bi because I kissed a girl on a drunken dare in college.

This. I don't consider myself poly. If the relationship fits, I'm equally happy in a mono or poly arrangement. OTOH, Blue is decidedly poly. Trying to be in a mono relationship doesn't/hasn't ever worked for him.
 
I love the word "ambivert" and I'm very much that way, too. I need both things at different times...not just social interaction, but BIG communities, recharge me and make me feel validated and supported. But then I love the idea of living alone, waking up alone to quiet and coffee and a good book. I don't want to share my living space with anyone, except my kids, and only until they are adults. I crave my solitary haven. And my huge social events outside of it.

I do "identify" as poly, though. I am capable of monogamy, but I find it stifling and restrictive and I don't like it. I could easily see myself participating in a functionally mono relationship in the future...but I need a sort of "Bill of Rights" and one of my personal things I have to insist on is that I AM polyamorous and reserve the right to be that way. If a partner can't deal with that basic fact, then we shouldn't be together from the get-go. I may not necessarily need to HAVE other partners. But I have to feel safe with a partner who knows I might...so that I can be honest with them. The mono expectation that if you like someone else, you're bad and unfaithful and it's got to be a huge drama, I never want that again.

I have also learned (through trial and error) that I can't play with casual sex. I must reserve the right to develop feelings. I don't demand that a partner feel the same thing I do, but if my love-feelings make them feel threatened, it isn't going to work. I think that a qualifying question for a prospective new date in my future love life should be:

"You have been with someone for a week, or a few weeks...a short time. You've had sex more than once. She says she loves you. You don't really feel tremendous emotional investment yet, but things are going well and you enjoy being with her. How do you react?"

Anyone who says "That's crazy, she can't know me, how could she love me? I'd run. It's too soon." I have no business being with. I'm a little hippie-ish with my love. I give it easily, but it's not a trap. Anyone who is more comfortable exchanging fluids that could KILL you than being loved, isn't for me at all...I'd rather wait for sex, than wait for love.
 
I think the scale works for me more or less. I feel like 60-70% monogamous. I can imagine having two partners at the same time under some circumstances, and I have felt the need, but it is unlikely to be my priority to have two relationships, especially life-entangled ones. I like intimacy with chosen others on the level of touch, not sex. Most time I just feel attached to one partner. And I can tolerate my partner being polyamorous, but it doesn't make me particularly happy.
But I still do not feel well about pure monogamy either, like no sharing intimacy with others and no possibility to fall in love at all, so I struggle with that one.

Idealist (I gave my partner a nickname recently, so I could start using it) is polyamorous for sure. He can act monogamous for some time, but he cannot imagine himself being happy in a monogamous commitment.

Meta identifies as monogamous. She won't have two partners and she doesn't do intimacy outside of the relationship (except for an occasional massage from her ex). She is kind of ok with polyamory unless it takes much time and attention, which it does, so...

... this mixture obviously causes stress for everyone. Someone here wrote recently that they have a working compromise with the emphasis on work sometimes, so that is kind of what we have as well :eek:
 
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