Ravenscroft,
Thanks for your input and perspective.
while I'm always reluctant to accept one party's version as Absolute Truth
Once upon a time a wise old boss of mine said something to me that has really become one of my core beliefs. There are three sides to every story; your side, there side, and what's really going on. I have tried to remain as objective as possible in my telling of this tale but I realize that I have probably failed at not making myself out to be a victim. IMO, the what's really going on of this story is that there are some complex issues and emotions that are flowing from both parties. That may be oversimplifying things a bit but I think it is as good a synopsis as I can really give right now. I think, reading back through this tread, that I have discovered many of the emotions that I am feeling and that, in just a short time, I have been able, with the help of the other posters, to evolve my thought pattern. At the start, I felt that I was a victim of my wife's narcissism and her various plots to replace me. Now I believe that I have been a victim of my own thought patterns and mind traps. I truly believe that the behavior that she is engaged in has little or nothing to do with me. I certainly may have been, in part, the cause of it, but I am not the reason that it continues. It isn't about ME.
it's clear from the way that you are telling the tale that you are feeling abused, & by this I don't mean merely "picked on" or "taken advantage of" or "taken for granted" but actually & regularly attacked, intentionally, in a targeted manner.
I absolutely agree that at times I feel this way and I have very often expressed this in this forum. I don't, however believe, that it is purely intentional. I think that it is human nature to manipulate situations in order that the outcome may turn out in our favor. I do think that there have been times when my wife has knowingly done this. However, I would not go so far as to say that it is abuse. I don't believe that she has the capacity to understand when and if she is being abusive or using any sort of emotional blackmail on me. I'm not saying that she is stupid, I just don't think that those concepts are within her wheelhouse. Her mind isn't able to grasp those sorts of concepts. It took a couple of years for her to understand what an emotional affair is and she still isn't sure if she believes such a thing is possible. At times, I certainly feel neglected, but not abused. I don't feel that there is any malicious intent even if, on certain days, I lead myself to believe that there is.
you DEFINITELY need someone to talk to, someone to be on your side, other than a bunch of faceless strangers. Seriously: go find a therapist -- again from experience, I got the most help from a licensed social worker (LSW) who was able to advise on my self-image AND on my legal rights.
On this I will agree. That said, not everyone that is giving me advice here is a faceless stranger. Spork is someone that definitely has a face and, although schedules have thus far prevented it, we will have the opportunity to meet and talk face to face. While Tinwen must, due to geography, remain distant, I don't think that she is necessarily faceless and she has, of her own accord, chosen to give to me a few minutes of her time each day to help me in my situation. There are people who I see and talk to everyday that are more strangers to me than these two. In fact, a couple of years ago, I was in counseling with an LCSW. I saw this guy twice a week for three months. At the end of our sessions, when he told me that I was better and no longer needed his help, He didn't know me half as well as the people who have taken the time to read this post over the past week know me and I damn sure didn't know him. He was to me a stranger. I do agree, though, that I need to find a professional who I can talk to. I want to find someone. I think in the long run, I won't be successful, or as successful as I want to be, without professional help. One problem I have had with reaching out to the poly community, however (not so much on this forum, though), is that when I tell my story, I am met with only two points in the way of advice. 1) I am told that I am a shit bag and that I am breaking all the rules of polyamory because I have negative emotions and that I am not allowed to feel jealousy or fear or anger and 2) that I am the problem, the entire problem, nothing but the problem and in order to make my wife's life easier and to prevent her from feeling any sort of negative emotion, I need to go seek counseling so that I can unfuck my own mind and after I do that I need to leave her. I no longer seek advice from those individuals.
Again, thank you for your input. As with all the advice I've gotten here, it is good, it is very unlike the advice that I just described, and I will add many of the things that you said to my tool kit.