Help, wife is demanding that my secondary try to be her friend

The early am phone call was only answered because I have a seven year old daughter. If there was something wrong with her I would regret it for the rest of my life for not answering it

As soon as you realized it had nothing to do with daughter and it was wife wanting to yelll... you could have said "It is 4 AM. This is not an emergency. I need to sleep. I will not discuss this now. We can talk when I get home. I am hanging up now."

And then hang up and go back to sleep. Be more firm. I am glad you are trying to keep things more separate this time.

At the end of the day though? You still have to decide if you want to keep putting up with wife's outbursts.

If she says she wants to change? Then ask what day she scheduled her doctor/counselor appointment for so that changes can begin. Like "show me the money." Show some follow through, some accountability.

Not just "all talk no show."

Otherwise it's just going around and around with the emotional/verbal abuse.

The explosion, the boo-hoos/I'm sorry's/will never do that again's, the calm, then building up, and the new explosion. Lather, rinse, repeat.

It's a rough spot to be in. :(

Galagirl
 
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Sounds like you are definitely doing more to keep the issues separated.... so if that's the case then it's really a matter of whether YOU can enjoy being poly given what you have to deal with in terms of partner jealousy and behavior.

That definitely sucks and I'm sorry you're being put in that position!
 
As soon as you realized it had nothing to do with daughter and it was wife wanting to yelll... you could have said "It is 4 AM. This is not an emergency. I need to sleep. I will not discuss this now. We can talk when I get home. I am hanging up now."

And then hang up and go back to sleep. Be more firm.

Galagirl

You are right, I could have prevented the end of a relationship with someone who I love very much had I been more firm. I'm not going to let it happen like that again.

I don't know if I had mentioned this already but it may be relevant to say that this was the first person that I dated after we decided we wanted to be poly. So part of it was a learning experience for me also, not that that's any excuse or makes it any fairer for anybody involved.

I've learned how to better handle things, and I'm still learning. I'm not going to let my girlfriend feel insecure or feel bad. If my wife has a problem that's between me and her.
 
In your place, I'd give your wife the phone number of the partner and be done with it. Then it becomes your wife's headache how to earn a friendship she wants - which would have to involve way nicer behavior.

You need firm boundaries. You appear to be going along with what your wife says and then complaining about it when it creates problems. But you are an adult in an adult relationship.
 
In your place, I'd give your wife the phone number of the partner and be done with it. Then it becomes your wife's headache how to earn a friendship she wants - which would have to involve way nicer behavior.

You need firm boundaries. You appear to be going along with what your wife says and then complaining about it when it creates problems. But you are an adult in an adult relationship.

If my partner did this....give my phone number to his OSO without my consent or knowledge, it would break trust between us. It's not the OSO's place to manage his wife.

But then I don't date men with wives or nesting partners because of issues like this. I prefer kitchen table poly but if my meta is controlling and manipulative, I want nothing to do with her.
 
Just because I chat via a messenger platform with someone doesn't mean I would want some one to give them my phone number. Especially someone like OPs wife. I can ignore or block someone on a messenger I do not want someone blowing up my phone.
 
Something to add

I see this is an old thread, I've been reading everything I can here and wanted to comment from my perspective. OP you mention you've been on dates with 'very attractive' women in 'good shape' and that you're 'ok' with your wife being bigger. You said nothing about you being attracted to her, only that the sex is great and you enjoy spending time with her.
I'm not at all excusing your wife's behaviour. I'm in her position and I wouldn't dream of laying my shit on my partner, let alone his OSO, but I can very much understand how she's feeling. Whether you say stuff like that to her or not, she's picking up on it. She's just 'ok' and your others are 'very attractive'. Might be something to think about when dealing with all this with her.
 
There were things that could have been handled better by all parties involved, so I'm trying to learn from that and move forward more aware. Thanks.
Your GF quit texting because she had reason to believe her communication with you was not private. She was speaking civilly and in a friendly manner with your wife. What was she supposed to have done better?

I may have to give up on being poly if I am with her, because I know it also hurt my gf to do what she did and now that I'm not as hurt I understand why, whether or not I agree with how.
Did your GF break up with you over this?

I agree, people aren't throwaways, .... On the other hand if its bound to hurt them in the long run anyways what more can i do but as much as i can to prevent more people from getting hurt, including myself.

It just seems to me like she doesn't feel like she's doing anything wrong like these things are all her right as my wife
What you can do is tell your wife to grow up and behave and stop causing trouble.

As long as your wife knows you're going to stay with her no matter what, and ultimately side with her no matter what, why would she change anything? Of course she's going to insist she hasn't done anything wrong because she knows you will ultimately back her up and either break up with any GF she doesn't like, or just keep letting her act up until the GF has enough and leaves.

If I had a bf like that... I'd break up with him. I'd blame him and his weak boundaries and ineffective negotiations with his wife around practicing polyamory.
I agree with this. It's exactly why I broke up with my BF. He refused to set any limits on his wife's game playing with me--same as you. I found out my communication with him wasn't private, just like your GF. I made attempts to reach out and begin building a friendship with her but it wasn't her way, on her time schedule, she gave me barely lukewarm responses, and, like you, he ended up acting as if I should have done something different.

you are being a crap partner to your gf.

You have several choices:

Get your wife to agree to Close your relationship (both of you stop seeing your OSOs) until clearer rules are set up that apply to BOTH of you, or

Break up with wife if she refuses to agree to equal rules, or if she agrees but doesn't follow through, or

Go on as you are, being a pushover and hurting your gf and allowing your wife to hurt you
I agree with the first. But if you're still seeing this GF and you break up with her and close, then you are treating her exactly as a throwaway. It's exactly this attitude--oh, well, just close if it doesn't work (and break up with people you got involved with who now have their hearts tangled up in it)--that led me to call my blog Collateral Damage.

I don't know if I had mentioned this already but it may be relevant to say that this was the first person that I dated after we decided we wanted to be poly. So part of it was a learning experience for me also, not that that's any excuse or makes it any fairer for anybody involved.
People are not throw aways. And people are not 'learning experiences.' She wasn't your training wheels. She's a human being with a life and feelings. How do you think it feels to be treated disrespectfully, to have your boyfriend ALLOW it, to have your heart broken and then have the one who did it say, "Oh, well, it was a learning experience for me?"

It is attitudes like this that led me to call my blog Collateral Damage. It says, "Oh, well, as long as the couple stays together, we're really sorry you got hurt, but....we're fine."

Here's my advice. Tell your wife shape up or she's the one who goes.
 
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