How much do you expect a partner to tell you when they begin a new relationship?

Yes, I would prefer and expect a heads up from either of my partners if they were to start doing any more than casually chatting/flirting with someone outside our polycule. And by that, I mean a potential new dating partner.

The point is kind of moot right now, as we are in a closed V type triad and have ALL agreed not to introduce anyone new into our situation in terms of sexual partners at the moment.

However, there were a couple of incidents of "lying by omission" in the year or so before we settled into ethical polyamory - that caused some distrust and safety concerns, and which rendered prompt disclosure as the default MO we are all keen to uphold as we move forward.

For example, before I got involved with either of them, my partners had a FWB arrangement. When they hit a rough spot, Boho secretly started dating one of Jester's closest friends, D (potential messy list person). The other guy was aware of Boho's involvement with Jester from the start, however it was only when D allowed jealousy to get the better of him and tried to cowboy Boho away from Jester that the whole thing was dragged out into the light. Turns out, Jester didn't particularly mind, but it did give him pause to contemplate Boho's reasons for not sharing this info with him earlier and her inherent trustworthiness. Especially since they hadn't been employing safe sex practices.

Similarly, when Jester and I first began chatting online, I made no secret about the fact that I was still married, albeit separated, and not looking to get involved in some complicated romantic scenario. Despite me asking straight out about his situation, however, Jester chose NOT to share the fact that he was involved with Boho (a mutual friend), nor did he inform her that he was interested in a relationship with me - which became much more of an issue when I finally deduced what was going on than it would have been had everyone been kept in the loop from the get-go.

So yeah, I would MUCH prefer to know ahead of time if either of my partners is starting to develop a romantic/sexual interest in anyone else. If so, we can take the rest of it from there. (i.e. discussions regarding boundaries, time management, safe sex practises etc.)
 
For me this varies from partner to partner depending on how entangled and how serious we are.

With my nesting partner, we both have an expectation of knowing ahead of time before we start dating again. So we'll tell each other if we're actively looking to date or if we're starting to feel interested in someone. That largely has to do with how much time we spend with each other since an uptick in those activities means that we're going to be messing around on our phones more messaging other people, or that we might be making more plans in the future. It's not really a hard and fast rule, but it's a courtesy that we've both discussed that we like doing for the other and having done for us. That being said, not everything can be super planned. If shit happens spontaneously and I meet someone out at an event or my NP did and we ended up making out or setting up a date, then we'd just tell each other the next time we saw each other and it was a good moment to give an update.

For non-nesting partners, I generally just set up the agreement that while I'd like to know if they're planning to start dating someone, in general I really only need to know if they've slept with anyone new before the next time they sleep with me. My most recent partner, that I've sorta downgraded and don't really consider a partner anymore has caused me to worry that I'm not getting this part of my expectations met (ex. on our last date he casually mentioned having had a threesome with his other partner and a new person, but it wasn't done in the context of him giving me a heads up that he'd slept with someone, it was just done like, "yeah this cool thing happened." and made me wonder if he even remembers that he's supposed to give me a heads up. One of several reasons that he's been downgraded.

I think the more important part that isn't being addressed in all of this is WHY set the boundary where you set it? If the major concern is sexual health then the only thing that matters is if you have an agreed to health protocol, and if there was a new person, did they follow that protocol? Some people want a check in any time there's a new partner to re-touch on this. Others are fine not being told every time as long as the protocol was followed. If you need more notice way ahead of time and it's not just because of complex logistics (like child care or just scheduling stuff) and it's more about the feels, then it's probably worth examining why you have feels about a partner sleeping with someone else when you're in a poly relationship to begin with. Is there a concern about number of partners and how that leads to time management (though I would argue that exists regardless of whether sex is happening with the person so be sure of what the real feelings are about).
 
If you need more notice way ahead of time and it's not just because of complex logistics (like child care or just scheduling stuff) and it's more about the feels, then it's probably worth examining why you have feels about a partner sleeping with someone else when you're in a poly relationship to begin with. Is there a concern about number of partners and how that leads to time management (though I would argue that exists regardless of whether sex is happening with the person so be sure of what the real feelings are about).

This. And I have a feeling that was what Ravenscroft was getting at as well since children were not mentioned before being brought up as a strawman.
 
That's what he was getting at with me? I shouldn't be polyamorous because I'd like a "Hey, I'm going out text" instead of him just not coming home at night and not being reachable?

Ok, this place isn't for me. You all have fun. Sorry I bothered anyone with my ridiculous expectations that are literally less than nearly every other person who responded.

And strawman my ass. I directly answered the question. Then when asked about my answer I answered honestly again. Them got peppered with insults. No wonder this board is nearly dead. Enjoy your private club.
 
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This. And I have a feeling that was what Ravenscroft was getting at as well since children were not mentioned before being brought up as a strawman.

If you're talking about me asking Ravencroft if he had children, it wasn't a strawman, it was because it had been mentioned in Marvelgirl's first post that having a small child influences her need to know ahead of time about dates, etc. As I've said, I approached that in a less than productive way, but I can tell you that my expectations for polyamory would have been much different if we had opened up our marriage when my children were small instead of teenagers. Pointing out that small children require special consideration isn't a strawman.

Common courtesy that my young adult sons are willing to do so that I don't worry about them when they vary greatly from their regular schedule doesn't seem like too much to ask for from a partner either. How is asking for a text if you're going to be home later than you usually are if it hasn't already been discussed or put on a calendar somehow a sign that you're too emotionally unstable to be poly?
 
No, it's YOU who are saying it.


Drama-queening.


Drama-queening.


Drama-queening.


Drama-queening.

There's kind of a pattern here.

Do you wish to look into it, & maybe fix the underlying problems?

This line of questioning is snarky, unhelpful and inappropriate for this thread.

This is a thread asking what we each expect in our parters. A condescending evaluation of the honest needs and limits of others isn't helpful nor appropriate in this discussion. Obviously I'm not a moderator, but my view as a community member is that if your sporting shots at others keep running people off, we will indeed have not much of a community left. You are not really "speaking truth to power," nor are you some sort of lone voice of reason here - you're just being mean and in this case, you are wrong to even be commenting on someone's choices.
 
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That's what he was getting at with me? I shouldn't be polyamorous because I'd like a "Hey, I'm going out text" instead of him just not coming home at night and not being reachable?

Ok, this place isn't for me. You all have fun. Sorry I bothered anyone with my ridiculous expectations that are literally less than nearly every other person who responded.

And strawman my ass. I directly answered the question. Then when asked about my answer I answered honestly again. Them got peppered with insults. No wonder this board is nearly dead. Enjoy your private club.

I don't see where anyone said you shouldn't be poly.
 
If you're talking about me asking Ravencroft if he had children, it wasn't a strawman, it was because it had been mentioned in Marvelgirl's first post that having a small child influences her need to know ahead of time about dates, etc. As I've said, I approached that in a less than productive way, but I can tell you that my expectations for polyamory would have been much different if we had opened up our marriage when my children were small instead of teenagers. Pointing out that small children require special consideration isn't a strawman.

Common courtesy that my young adult sons are willing to do so that I don't worry about them when they vary greatly from their regular schedule doesn't seem like too much to ask for from a partner either. How is asking for a text if you're going to be home later than you usually are if it hasn't already been discussed or put on a calendar somehow a sign that you're too emotionally unstable to be poly?

I did miss the line about having a minor child. When I had small kids we more or less had a schedule. Any other time was our free time. We both worked and usually went out after by ourselves. We rarely went out together because of finding a babysitter.

Personally, I think she overreacted a bit to his initial post but his followup left much to be desired. I don't see where anyone said anyone was too emotionally unstable for poly.

Nothing wrong with expecting a text. I think the comments about calling hospitals was a little over the top. Things happen. I recall an incident when my phone died. Cat got upset that I didn't return a text. She acted like she thought I died or something. The reality is she knew I was spending the day with Elle. She never had a problem with me not answering immediately before. So the question is if one is really that worried or just a little jealous. That's not an accusation, just food for thought.
 
There was this one time when i assumed my husband was with his girlfriend, only to find out he wrecked his car and it was a miracle he wasn't killed.

I'm way less concerned that something bad might happen when he's with someone than when he's alone.

As for the topic, i don't care when they tell me. I don't tell them everything right away either.
 
Nothing wrong with expecting a text. I think the comments about calling hospitals was a little over the top. Things happen. I recall an incident when my phone died. Cat got upset that I didn't return a text. She acted like she thought I died or something. The reality is she knew I was spending the day with Elle. She never had a problem with me not answering immediately before. So the question is if one is really that worried or just a little jealous. That's not an accusation, just food for thought.

I agree that looking at feelings behind stated worries is a good idea. As a personal example, when we first were opening up our marriage, it was because my husband had fallen in love with a friend of ours. Definitely not the first time it had happened but it was the first time that it had happened with someone who was also in a marriage that was at a place that they'd consider acting on the feelings also. He'd tell me he'd be home by 10 and I'd get upset when he'd loose track of time and be home closer to 10:30 or 11. I could have claimed I was upset about anything but I owned the fact that I had been waiting for him because I missed him and the latter he was, the more insecure I felt. It may have been his actions that started my train of thought, but it was my own insecurities and issues that I needed to own and work on that were the real issue I needed to address.

To be fair, I too would worry if my husband or my sons got off work at noon and didn't show up until 10 o'clock at night and hadn't either texted or just given me some type of heads up before the fact that there was going to be a change.

I think your schedule for nights out when your kids were little is a good example of how to handle this type of thing before hand so it doesn't become an issue that needs to be addressed. It's sometimes hard to give advice that doesn't depend on the instant communication cell phones provide us but I think if we depend on that instant communication too much, things can get lost or forgotten about or misunderstood. I know that your schedule was because of raising your kids before cell phones were really a thing, I did too, but I still think it's good to look for solutions like this also, not just tech reliant ones.
 
I've asked to be informed when a partner arranges a first date with someone, e.g. "I've been chatting with this woman on OKC, and we've decided to meet for dinner tomorrow." I want to know about that before the date actually happens so I have time to wrestle my insecurity and can be happy for my partner when the date actually occurs.

I also want to know the first time one of my partners has sex with someone new, or with someone they haven't had sex with in a long time, for example reconnecting with a past partner they haven't been with in a few years. I don't need to know before sex happens, and sometimes it's impossible to predict that sex is going to happen anyway, but I want to know as soon afterward as possible. To me, it's a sexual health thing; even when condoms are used, they don't protect against everything.

With one partner, I ask to be told any time he has a date, even with an existing partner, because he's my primary emotional support when my mental health issues kick up, and I want to make sure I don't interrupt his dates if I have a panic attack or depressive episode.

Hubby, who's my NP, doesn't see other people. If he did, I would want to be informed whenever he had a date with someone else so I would know why he wasn't home. Like Marvelgirl and others who've posted, I consider it common courtesy that if you live with someone, unless it's purely a roommate situation, you let them know if you aren't going to be home when you usually are.
 
I generally want to know when a partner starts to become more emotionally connected with someone else. It's nice to know if they are sexual but I don't actually need that. (My safer sex practices are set to the risks I want to take and those I don't. It doesn't make me feel 'safer' if I know if they are having sex with others. I just assume they do. Now I would need to know if there was a condom break or a desire to fluid bond.)

Now if I lived with a partner, my ideas on what I want to know might change. But since I don't live with my partners, I find 'out of sight, out of mind' works pretty well for me. I don't need to know details anyway.
 
The trend seems to be that if you are newer to poly you want to know everything. If you've been at it awhile then you trust your partner more and only need to know life altering details.
 
I tell my partners early on about any other relationship that I have. If I go on a date with someone new they know, if things transition into something serious they know, if I am fluid bonded with them and want to do so with someone else they know. If they ask how things are going with another partner I'm happy to talk about it but I don't give a whole lot of detail unless asked.
 
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