theoretical question re falling in love with more than one

libertinelover

New member
A couple of years ago I started writing a novel (half-way done!) which, among other things is a story of a love triangle that becomes a poly relationship. This was long before I had an open marriage. (It's actually freaky how much my life has followed my 'art'.)

I'd love to hear anyone's experiences that my novel raises: Is it possible to be passionately in love (NRE & all that) with two people at once, or does NRE (I hate that term by the way) make you too focused on one person for that to happen?
Not a question of if you can LOVE more than one person or if you can FALL in love with someone when you already have "true" love with another (ie. when the NRE is gone, but you still love them).

I can love multiple people in different ways, but I can't imagine falling in love with someone if already in love (honeymoon stage) with someone else. Ever happened to you or someone you know?

If you're in love with or love person A, when you fall in love with person B, does that effect your feelings for person A?
Sure we have limitless love, but do we have limitless capacity for NRE?

My novel in a nutshell:
Hal & Will are good mates who share a house. Anna moves in as flat-mate. She & Hal fall in love & have relationship which ends after some months due to reasons too complicated to give here. They still love each other. After some time Anna falls in love with Will (who has been in love with her all along) & they have a relationship. When Hal wants her back (now ready to commit) she is torn as she loves them both. Eventually after lots of drama they agree to 'share' and live as one big happy family.

I can't imagine falling in love with two people at the same time as I think it almost inevitable that one would capture your attention a bit more and then the more you become attracted to and fall for that person, the more focused you become on them.

Thanks in advance!
 
Hi, LibertineLover,

That is truly coincidental, because a number of years ago - about 8-10 in fact - I wrote a novel about a straight, divorced guy (who is still in love with his ex wife and wants her back) who becomes obsessed with a younger gay male, then eventually falls in love with him.

The seed of this still-unpublished novel was sparked by an online friendship I developed with another female, while married to my (former) husband, that was extremely intense and confusing, because I'd never before been emotionally attracted to a woman. I guess it bordered on a crush, but the attraction was much more emotional/intellectual-based, than sexual.

Long story short, we settled into a good friendship that last years, however it did spawn the idea for a novel.

MANY years later, I did in fact find myself involved both romantically and sexually with a woman (my current female partner, Boho)! I had never even contemplated polyamory before this relationship developed almost two years ago.

At the time, I had separated from my husband of 20+ years and was still in full-blown NRE with Jester, my male partner.

Boho fell hard for me from the get-go, but for my part, I recognise that I was holding something back from her for a good long while - both because I truly didn't feel as strongly at that stage (I "loved" but was not "in love" with her, at first) AND out of some combo of guilt/loyalty to Jester.

Until Boho and I got together, none of us three considered ourselves polyamorous, even if we'd not always been totally monogamous, but were forced to have the conversation and agreed to conduct our relationship/s within the spirit of ethical poly.

It took me many months to fall "in" love with Boho, looking back... and even to this day, the "quality" of my feelings are different for both my lovers. Neither "more/less" or "better/worse" necessarily... just different, I guess. Each person affects me differently and I value different things from each relationship.

Having said that, I definitely felt more of that "head over heels" RUSH from the very outset of my relationship with Jester. My feelings for Boho kinda snuck up on me, slow-burn style. I love and am "in love" with both. However, I don't feel sexual jealousy over Boho, only over Jester. I think I'd feel more jealous in Boho's case if she "replaced" my role as "best friend and confidante" with some other woman, rather than if she took another lover.
 
Your novel doesn’t seem to require that there be intense NRE for both of them at the same time. It sounds like she falls for Will at a time when she is already in love with Hal.

Anyhoo, I can’t really imagine NRE for two people at once. I found that when I was in the most intense stages of NRE with Ponytail, I was feeling more in love with Glasses than usual, but in a different sense. I wasn’t “falling” for Glasses — I was more deeply appreciating the relationship that we had established and the characteristics that I already loved about him. I also did find myself getting more easily frustrated with him —especially as it pertained to anything that limited my time with Ponytail without “good reason” in my mind.
 
It probably depends on the person and how emotional overall you are. How it goes down depends on how well you handle your emotions, your communication between partners, and how jealous or envious, good or bad at poly communication, your lovers are.

When I split with my ex husband 9 years ago, I threw myself onto the rough and tumble of OK Cupid newbieness, and the world of polyamory.

I was getting hit on like crazy. It came as a complete surprise since I was 54 and am full figured. Well! It turned out that a 50 something curvy gal was quite in demand on OKC.

I met my current partner Pixi within weeks. She was the first person I actually met irl from OKC. At the same time I was chatting with many men. 2 or 3 months after I started with Pixi, one of the guys I decided to meet was seemingly a real winner. He checked most of my boxes for what I felt I wanted and needed. I didn't "fall in love" with him right away, but I definitely had NRE through the roof, while still having tons of NRE for Pixi.

That relationship only lasted 3 months (he ended up to have unexpected issues non-conducive to continuing), but my head was spinning with hormones for both lovers the entire time.

So... yeah, it's possible. I had strong NRE for Pixi for 18 months. I and also got NRE for yet a further person, a much younger very sexual guy, in that time. We ended up seeing each other for 2 1/2 years.

How did I handle my NRE? Good thing Pixi is so loving and accepting and nurturing. I'd sometimes come to her, or talk to her right after a date with one of those guys, and we were able to have "girl talk" without her having or showing much envy or jealousy. She supported me in my exciting new poly life. Sometimes I'd be all turned on from having had sex with a guy. My lust would then be turned to her. It all kind of blended together since I desired the heck out of her anyway. I'm always that way. The NRE lust and frequency of sex with a new partner doesn't decrease my lust for Pixi. In fact it's quite the opposite.

Pixi's NRE for me only lasted 3 months, as far as I could tell. She also got another partner within a few months of meeting me. She had some NRE too. I just thought it was cute. We are both naturally compersive so we get a kick out of it when we see the other happy and turned on and excited.
 
Hi libertinelover,

I am thinking that it is possible to have NRE for two people at once ... however, I don't know for sure of any real-life instances where that happened. I just find myself able to imagine it.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks guys! Sounds like anything is possible.

I definitely felt more of that "head over heels" RUSH from the very outset of my relationship with Jester. My feelings for Boho kinda snuck up on me, slow-burn style. I love and am "in love" with both.
Yes, that's very much how it is for my characters - she falls fast & hard for the first guy, and her feelings for the second guy sneak up slow-burn.

I guess I partly had her relationship with Hal end in order to give her the chance to fall for Will but I had wondered how much her feelings needed to cool for Hal before she could really fall for Will - to make it believable. I feel reassured I have the balance right in my story.

I had started doubting it because since falling for M I can't imagine falling for another while I feel this way. I know at least part of the reason is that he is so much better than the average man, but I've also wondered if I'm also simply not open to connecting with someone else. I connected to M very quickly but I wanted to keep my options open & continued chatting & meeting others a little. With others, even when the right things were said I felt no connection and very little interest and I always wondered if I might have connected with someone else if I wasn't already connected to M - as if I only have capacity for one romantic interest at a time.
 
I have fallen in love simultaneously with two women. The relationships were different enough that there wasn't any problem with that. Even though there might have been some NRE overload I was very happy, all the time.
 
IME, though of course it's possible, limerence is usually one person at a time. It's obsessiveness, & anything less than total focus is just not truly obsession.

But I think it's possible to develop limerence/NRE in a situation. So, for instance, an individual can get deeply attached to a couple or a group. In Magdlyn's situation, it looks like the initial NRE was with the sudden overwhelming freedom & sense of self-worth afforded by nonmonogamy, & the people with whom she became involved were anchor points for that revelation.

Anyway, fiction is fiction. Whether or not something can exist in reality is immaterial, so long as the writer makes it plausible enough that the reader willingly suspends disbelief.

I half-wrote a story some years ago, a "bromance" :)rolleyes:) about two guys falling in love (though non-sexually). It's sort of Leaving Las Vegas but with better jokes. :D
 
IME, though of course it's possible, limerence is usually one person at a time. It's obsessiveness, & anything less than total focus is just not truly obsession.

I agree. Although there was some overlap between my NRE with Jester and my getting together with, and subsequently falling for Boho... I think if he'd not temporarily cooled our relationship/backed away from me while I was still in full blown NRE, it wouldn't have even been possible for me to strike up any form of romantic/sexual relationship with another person at that point.

But I think it's possible to develop limerence/NRE in a situation. So, for instance, an individual can get deeply attached to a couple or a group. In Magdlyn's situation, it looks like the initial NRE was with the sudden overwhelming freedom & sense of self-worth afforded by nonmonogamy, & the people with whom she became involved were anchor points for that revelation.

Great observation, and very true. I'd not thought of it that way, even though I think many of us have had this type of experience. I guess it's similar to how people feel who are "born again", join a cult, or "fall" for an entire family or a new group of friends (I mean that in a non sexual way). In such cases, it's the group dynamic or situation people become obsessed with or super interested in, usually temporarily.
 
IME, though of course it's possible, limerence is usually one person at a time. It's obsessiveness, & anything less than total focus is just not truly obsession.

But I think it's possible to develop limerence/NRE in a situation. So, for instance, an individual can get deeply attached to a couple or a group. In Magdlyn's situation, it looks like the initial NRE was with the sudden overwhelming freedom & sense of self-worth afforded by nonmonogamy, & the people with whom she became involved were anchor points for that revelation.

Anyway, fiction is fiction. Whether or not something can exist in reality is immaterial, so long as the writer makes it plausible enough that the reader willingly suspends disbelief.

I half-wrote a story some years ago, a "bromance" :)rolleyes:) about two guys falling in love (though non-sexually). It's sort of Leaving Las Vegas but with better jokes. :D

Ha. "Better jokes."

Your point about my NRE for polyamory in general is well taken, but not quite correct. I felt at the time NRE for two people, and for poly. I was able to differentiate between the 3 things.

As for it being only possible to obsess about one person at a time, I beg to differ. Well do I remember how I felt during Beatlemania. It was possible to be obsessed for Paul, for John and for the Beatles as a group. I was only 8 then 9 years old when they hit the US. I was in love with the music and I didn't even know what sex was, but good lord was I horny for them in my 9 year old way! lol

And I've worked as a lactation specialist with mothers of twins and triplets and know they are obsessively in love with multiple babies at once. Your mind just keeps flowing from one object of obsession to another continually. It's overwhelming. Might be too overwhelming for some, maybe even for me sometimes, but mostly I've enjoyed the intensity and the variety, the wonder and the sex.
 
Another thought:

The idea that a poly person can't have "true" NRE for 2 people at once, almost smacks of monogamism and couple-centricity.

Are you saying a poly person can't have obsessive NRE feelings for a person unless they have no other partner, or they are partnered but the feelings for that partner have relaxed into ERI (established relationship intimacy), and no longer obsessive?

Come on.

Yes, I was new to the freedom of being single and poly, but I still could have met 2 people within weeks of each other, and gotten NRE for both, even if I was a more experienced but currently single polyamorist.

In fact, if you'll read my blog you'll see I have ERI for Pixi as well as NRE for both Kahlo and Rick currently. But maybe I'm just crazy like that.:p
 
I still love my first High School girlfriend. It has been almost 50 years, we talked several years ago. I was young and clueless. She said she still did and wished we had gone further then. We never became close enough to really get into a relationship. We talked on the phone, but she was not into a poly relationship, we talk online once in a while. And she is not the only old girlfriend. Two even talked about thinking about a threesome with us. But circumstances were not there and I will not leave my wife, poly or nothing.
 
Another thought:

The idea that a poly person can't have "true" NRE for 2 people at once, almost smacks of monogamism and couple-centricity.

Are you saying a poly person can't have obsessive NRE feelings for a person unless they have no other partner, or they are partnered but the feelings for that partner have relaxed into ERI (established relationship intimacy), and no longer obsessive?

Come on.

Yes, I was new to the freedom of being single and poly, but I still could have met 2 people within weeks of each other, and gotten NRE for both, even if I was a more experienced but currently single polyamorist.

In fact, if you'll read my blog you'll see I have ERI for Pixi as well as NRE for both Kahlo and Rick currently. But maybe I'm just crazy like that.:p

From what I see I think a lot of poly people do retain that from monogamy. They only start getting serious with one person at a time.

Others, like you and I, will start multiple relationships at the same time. It can be a little overwhelming. The plus side is the excitement is there for both of them so they aren't feeling pangs of jealousy because you are suddenly excited about dating someone new...lol.
 
The idea that a poly person can't have "true" NRE for 2 people at once, almost smacks of monogamism and couple-centricity.
I see it the other way 'round: the notion that my feelings for two (or more) people should somehow be "the same" in any real sense is an extension of outmoded Monogamism.

I suppose it's possible to have initial overwhelming NRE for one person even as another dyad is achieving a stable level of limerent fascination. Dunno whether it's particularly common, or sustainable, or even desirable; personally, I prefer a degree of focus in the "falling in love" stage, but no reason mileage won't vary.
 
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