How to meet people at work / how to make friends over 30

Sentinel

Member
I'm 39 years old. I have the best wife in the world ever, who is poly in concept and past practice but not active right now, and two gorgeous kids. I also have a girlfriend and I have some other great friends, all of whom I met before I was 30. My life is blessed.

But I'd love to find more people to love. It seems to me that the options are:

- Schmooze with people, which is great when by happenstance your business intersects theirs in 18 months time, but provides no intimacy whatsoever

- Enter the dating market, with all of that.

- Make friends at work (I also volunteer, but same difficulty). These days I'm some high powered executive type, I guess. Work is harsh and people respect me a lot, but it's hard to get to know people. And if I get to know junior people, it's hard to get past the power difference.

On the last of these, I met an amazing woman on a business trip some months ago, and ventured as far as saying that I am attracted to her. (Honestly, no power plays, no physical contact beyond hugging, no Harvey Weinstein.) It went poorly, including a corporate request that I no longer contact her.

What do you folk do? How do you make intimate friends after 30? It feels like the world is pretty cold and that people (myself included) put up walls to avoid intimacy, maybe.

FWIW, on the poly-swinging spectrum, I'm way up the intimacy end (c.f. the sex end).

Help?

Sentinel
 
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This totally the wrong climate for pursuing women at work. I'll probably get flamed for saying this but even if you are at the same power level women still assume you think they are inferior.

I am 55. It is very hard to meet new people.
 
Hi Sentinel,

Do you have any local poly groups in your area? Alternatively, are there any groups you can join that are centered around a hobby you are interested in? These might be other ways you could meet new people and make new friends.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I am 57 and make new friends regularly - real friends that really talk with me about their real lives, not BS cocktail chatter friends. Age is nothing but an artificial reason to be open or not open to new people, so I never believe the baloney that it's hard to make friends after a certain age. Making new friends is as hard as you believe that it is. Making friends is like dating: It's about you making yourself emotionally available, not about the other people. If making friends is a priority, then get involved. Goodness knows, there are many ways to break out of one's little work-home-work orbit and get involved in one's community. Any place where you run into the same people again and again is a good place to make new friends, but here are a few avenues I've found for making new, real friends who tend to have important values in common with mine:

1. Weekly 12 Step meeting
2. Regular classes at our local yoga studio
3. Adult education classes
4. PTA meetings
5. Community improvement projects
6. Volunteer work - Volunteer Match is a good place to start looking for local volunteer opportunities.
 
I like FallenAngelina's suggestions above.

I've noticed a good way to connect with people is to be a newbie in a particular sphere. Whether it is travelling to a new place or starting a new hobby, be the new kid in school so there is a natural reason to start conversations. If you pick something that you are keen on but have never done, then you will have at least one common interest with the people you meet through that activity (eg volunteering, adult education etc). You'll also have some fresh momentum in your life from trying something new. This usually comes across as a positive thing.

At some point I reflected on how I meet people, and it struck me that this was often a source of my friendships.

Also, appreciate social opportunities with the friends you have, especially when they are suggesting group activities. Eg. A friend you like is hosting a gathering at their place? Go along and maybe meet someone new.

A general point on the above, though: it helps if "meeting people" is a side bonus rather than your main objective. Do things you want to do, regardless of the meeting-people potential. Social connections tend to flow naturally from there.

I second the big NO for pursuing work-related connections. You say you weren't creepy but you got a no contact letter. This indicates you're maybe not perceptive to what is appropriate or welcome in that context.

vinsanity - I disagree with the view that women consider themselves inferior. I don't like blanket statements so I won't reply with one. I just wanted to note that the desire for a workplace / work context free from sexual harrassment does not entail feeling inferior at all.
 
Uh, look, if you got a corporate request to not contact the woman you met on the business trip, you need to take a serious look at what you did. Whatever it was, you made her uncomfortable enough to either ask her supervisors to go up the corporate chain, or she is high enough up that she could make it happen, to send you a document you never contact her again. That is a big deal. She decided the potential damage to her career was worth it. She burned you as a potential business connection for all time. Women don't do that unless they feel deeply uncomfortable, even threatened. And I suspect you are shading the truth that it was a 'request'.

Don't look for lovers now. Figure out what went wrong with you and the business trip woman. (And if you come up with 'it's her problem', keep trying. Take responsibility for your actions.) Since you made this woman so concerned that she had a no contact letter sent to you, then you have likely made other women as uncomfortable. You may be having trouble finding more lovers because women may feel you are not safe. (And yes I realize you have a wife and girlfriend. That fact does not prevent you from making other women uncomfortable. Maybe they understand you and tolerate behaviors from you - because, hopefully, you are being extra obtuse and clueless and not actually dangerous - that women who don't know you will not tolerate.)

Go read this - https://www.amazon.com/Playing-Fair-Nonmonogamy-Thorntree-Fundamentals/dp/1944934383. It may help you figure out some of the background on what is going with you.

You can and should take the other suggestions about meeting people. They are what I would have written too. But unless you figure out how to never again make a woman so uncomfortable she sent a no contact letter, you will not be successful. More importantly, you will negatively impact other women. Whatever patterns of thought and behavior led you to behave the way you did around the business trip woman will come up again, and impact another woman. I realize you meant no harm to business trip woman. But whatever you did frightened her enough into the actions she took. And if you don't take a hard look at yourself and address the behavior, you will do the same again, at some point.

The next time, the consequences to you may not be as relatively light as a corporate no contact letter. Your job is at risk. Companies are increasingly not keeping people who cause these sort of issues. It's too much liability. At a minimum, you risk being embarrassed in your job. And your relationships are at risk. Would your wife and girlfriend stand with you if worse behavior from you comes to light? Maybe they would, maybe they wouldn't. But either way, it would greatly stress those relationships. Your standing in your local community would be impacted, and that can have ripple effects for your children.

I realize this is very unpleasant to read, Sentinel. Do your best not to be defensive and to truly think about what I've written. I hope you can hear what I've said.
 
Work is harsh and people respect me a lot, but it's hard to get to know people. And if I get to know junior people, it's hard to get past the power difference.
I'd argue maybe it's impossible. If you have genuine power over their working conditions, there's no place for intimacy. They won't be able to drop some level of fear, and you won't be able to drop some of your leadership habits and be really vulnerable, hence the workplace is no place to date for you.
(Although I do know, like, two friends who are happy to work for people they also sleep with, but I think it was the other way round for them: first sex, then work.)

I second FallenAngelina: Any place where you run into the same people again and again is a good place to make new friends. and add: any place where people meet out of honest interest in an activity or each other, and where you aren't in a position of power. In other words: get a hobby.
 
Of the five adult relationships (four long term) I've been in, two began in the workplace and one of those involved a slight power differential. I ended up marrying that man and having two children with him. We were together over 25 years.

I was only eighteen when the first "workplace romance" blossomed, though we soon moved in together and were engaged for a while. When we broke up, we continued living together for months, even though he'd started "dating" our housemate; occasionally sleeping with me too. That situation was unplanned and didn't work out well in the end AT ALL, but I guess you could say it was my first "accidental" intro to non monogamy.

Those relationships started decades ago however, and I'm not sure I'd chance it now, regardless of any power imbalance.

I met both my current LD partners online, via mutual friends. We belong to the same groups/circles on social media (mainly music and political groups, NOT dating sites) and meshed as friends first and foremost, due to our similar interests and hobbies.

Over time, feelings grew for each in turn, and the relationships with my partners morphed into a "V"/ triad configuration.

I'm somewhat of a loner, yet have never found it difficult to make friends at any age. "Relationships", for me, almost always spring from a natural connection. Therefore I'd agree with most of the other posters, above, who say that meeting people via pre-existing shared interests, hobbies, community groups, volunteering, church groups, sports (hiking, diving, dance or the like) or higher education classes and local clubs (drama, choir, political groups) are likely to yield results... especially if you're looking for more than just a sexual connection.

Obviously, the usual suspects (dating sites/apps, swingers clubs, nightclubs and bars) are still the way to go if you're mainly interested in hooking up with someone for more casual fun times.

I imagine Poly groups and events would be a good middle ground between the above options.
 
vinsanity - I disagree with the view that women consider themselves inferior. I don't like blanket statements so I won't reply with one. I just wanted to note that the desire for a workplace / work context free from sexual harrassment does not entail feeling inferior at all.

I disagree with that view as well. Perhaps you misread my statement.

I agree with what you said about the OP's perception. One need not pin someone against a wall to make a work situation uncomfortable.

I did have a sexual relationship with an employee one time. I didn't initiate it. She hit on my girlfriend lol. It was still messy because I was put in a position of reprimanding another employee for sexually harassing her. I was accused of being jealous and playing favorites. The guy was clueless. He had asked her if she was a lesbian after she turned him down multiple times. Harassment isn't always about positions of power. They were equal co-workers. He was creating a hostile environment.
 
I'm going to go ahead and agree with those who have said that work is likely not the best place to look for partners or try to search for close friends.

Do you have hobbies or interests? Most of the friends that I have are ones that were met in groups or at events related to interests that we share. Try starting there.

Online can also be a great way to meet people. Both of my current partners I met online, wouldn't have met them otherwise. It's been a good way for me to put myself out there, especially since I can be very slow in social settings to get to know others.
 
Perhaps you misread my statement.

You're right, I did misread. You said something a bit different to what I thought you'd said. Not that women feel inferior but they assume other people perceive them as that... Interesting. Still not sure I agree (I don't often find generalisations, esp gender-based ones, to be useful or meaningful to me) but I am less perturbed by your actual statement than the one I misread! Apologies.
 
I'm gonna take a stab at responding. Before I do, I want to say, thank you. I adore that you have taken the time.

Honourable (it's English english!) mention for Kevin and FallenAngel(ina), who were among the forces that kept me alive a decade ago. Thank you, deeply. And if you come to Australia, let me know because I will provide travel advice or do any other things to make your lives better. You are always welcome in our home.

FallenAngelina, yes school is good because there's no power; but I study undergraduate courses and am 20 years older than some of them, which is a thing to get through (i.e. by and large the average college student doesn't even think about a 39 year old that way, and how much do we have in common anyway?).

Opalescent. Yes. I have always taken the view that if you are 100% open and honest then good things will follow. In this situation, she cut off contact, and so I cannot do that any more. It hurts me deeply that I may have caused her harm but I have no ability to reduce that now. Were my goal to predate, then I could change my strategy and become Mr Smooth -- it turns out there's been a great deal written on how to disarm women and make them feel comfortable so you can have sex with them -- but it is not. I have zero interest in that. Maybe the learning here, though, is that it's just too hard to make it work sometimes. FWIW, I met my girlfriend when I was leaving an organisation and she was technically one of my reports; in the more recent case it's more like report twice removed, but again when I was leaving an organisation and so had no power.

For me, intimacy is a zero to one problem (in Peter Thiel's language). I'm amazing at the one to scale (infinity) phase; I find the zero to one hard.

More broadly, even in the short time I've graced the planet it feels like it's become a little bit harder to connect deeply. But, you know, nostalgia's not what it used to be.

Thank you
Sentinel
 
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And Fuchka. yes. appreciate your wisdom re non work outings. All the prevailing winds blow in the direction of ruling a red line on work relationships.
 
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Online can also be a great way to meet people. Both of my current partners I met online, wouldn't have met them otherwise. It's been a good way for me to put myself out there, especially since I can be very slow in social settings to get to know others.
Online is a fabulous resource, I agree. I met two men in particular when I was dating on OK Cupid three years ago and they have turned out to be wonderful friends IRL. One of them introduced me to a great group of people that I am now very much involved with socially, so much so that I often forget that they all came into my life via the internet. OKC can be a great place to meet people who turn out to be real new friends. I've also met up IRL with someone from this very forum community. :)





Honourable (it's English english!) mention for Kevin and FallenAngel(ina), who were among the forces that kept me alive a decade ago. Thank you, deeply. And if you come to Australia, let me know because I will provide travel advice or do any other things to make your lives better. You are always welcome in our home.
Thanks! I'm on my way!!! ;)

...I study undergraduate courses and am 20 years older than some of them, which is a thing to get through (i.e. by and large the average college student doesn't even think about a 39 year old that way, and how much do we have in common anyway?).....it feels like it's become a little bit harder to connect deeply.
It's as hard to connect as YOU believe it is. There is no such thing as "people are this way," there are only the people you're open to and the people you're not open to. YOU, not them. When YOU create more space and possibilities in your mind and heart, YOU make yourself available and visible to those who also have space and possibly in their minds and hearts. Age is simply one of many artificial factors that can serve as a barrier or as a conduit. Just because most people believe that older people have trouble making friends does not make this "true," it just means that most people believe it and set their minds (possibilities) accordingly.

To get a little perspective here, I'll remind you that being 39, you likely have 60 more years left on this planet. Do you really want to spend 60 more years feeling "older" and living in a world where "It's hard to make friends"???? From my perspective, you're quite young still (I had the first of my two teenagers at your age) and you have many, many, many adventures ahead of you. There is absolutely no truth to the idea that opportunities shrivel up as we get older, other than the fact that most people believe this. Let others believe what they choose to believe, but let yourself be free to have what and who you want in your own life. If YOU want to make friends with college kids, you can. If you want to make friends with the lunch ladies there, you can. If you want to make friends with people who swim at the college pool, you can. Your world is full of potential new friends of all ages. Don't look around at how everyone else seems to be limiting themselves, look inward at what YOU want - and soar from there. You did it with opening your marriage and embracing polyamory. You can do it with making new friends at any age.
 
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there are only the people you're open to and the people you're not open to. YOU, not them. When YOU create more space and possibilities in your mind and heart, YOU make yourself available and visible to those who also have space and possibly in their minds and hearts.

+1. Love it.
 
...Opalescent. Yes. I have always taken the view that if you are 100% open and honest then good things will follow. In this situation, she cut off contact, and so I cannot do that any more. It hurts me deeply that I may have caused her harm but I have no ability to reduce that now. Were my goal to predate, then I could change my strategy and become Mr Smooth -- it turns out there's been a great deal written on how to disarm women and make them feel comfortable so you can have sex with them -- but it is not. I have zero interest in that. Maybe the learning here, though, is that it's just too hard to make it work sometimes. FWIW, I met my girlfriend when I was leaving an organisation and she was technically one of my reports; in the more recent case it's more like report twice removed, but again when I was leaving an organisation and so had no power.

For me, intimacy is a zero to one problem (in Peter Thiel's language). I'm amazing at the one to scale (infinity) phase; I find the zero to one hard.

It's good you are not a red piller or a pickup artist. However, that's a really low bar. The kind of harm you caused is not limited to people who adopt misogynist ideologies or don't think of women as people.

Honesty and openness are indeed necessary. However, when someone has been frightened by your behavior, you have no right to expect them to be honest or open or engage with you in any way. You scared her. You are not safe. Why should she take that risk with you?

Yes, you cannot redress the situation with her. It can't be fixed. I was hoping you'd take a look in the mirror to prevent future such behavior. The takeaway from this experience is not 'it's too hard'. That's a cop out and refusal to take responsibility for your actions.

You may be saying that you are an all or nothing person. You are all in or not. (I am unfamiliar with Peter Thiel's quote so I am going from my impression of your wording.)

Look, let me use a dog analogy. I love dogs. Ridiculously so. Ideally, my preference would be to run up to every dog I see and pet them, talk to them, play with them right then and be friends with all the dogs.

However, If I actually do that, the dog may get freaked out. They may shy away or run or hide. They might growl or even bite. Maybe the dog is friendly and totally happy to greet me. (Many dogs are - one reason why I love dogs.) However, I may also frighten or annoy the owner. Maybe I'm a rather large human and the owner is a relatively small person. Now they have to worry about their safety as well as their dog's safety. Maybe they have a headache and don't want to interact with other humans at all. They now have to quickly evaluate if I am mentally ill or going to hit them up for money. And so on.

So I don't rush up to every dog I see. I figure out if I should interact. Maybe I'm on an errand, am tired or sick. If I'm up for it, then, I observe the dog and the owner. Is the dog friendly? (Dogs, bless them, are very clear if you know how to read them.) Interested in interacting? (If there is a ball or squirrel around, a new human is just not a priority.) Is the owner willing to be engaged? Are they preoccupied, on the phone, walking really fast? And so on.

My rushing up to every dog I see is not always going to be a bad interaction. I may make friends with the dog and their owner. But my behavior increases the likelihood that I will frighten, annoy or scare the dog or the owner. Even though I just want to interact with the dog, mean zero harm to anyone, my behavior is not acceptable, even if it works out ok most of the time.

It's ok if you are an all or nothing person when you feel attraction or love. Feel and enjoy your feelings. It's not ok to spill all that over someone else. Figure out how not to be the thoughtless person rushing up to people you are attracted to. You can control that. Telling yourself you can't is a refusal to deal with your own stuff.

I believe you mean well. I hope you take the opportunity to self-reflect.
 
Opalescent: Ummm ... so, I think I'm not a Bad Person, for what that's worth. I didn't start this post in order to justify either way a particular previous set of actions. I already feel like garbage. Like many that post to a forum, I am cursed to self-reflect too much and not too little. It's fair to say this wasn't my finest hour ex post, but ex ante I had only good will and note that you helpfully distinguish bad outcomes from bad intent.

The 'zero to one problem' I referred to earlier was that while I see relationships as a very continuous spectrum, my experience is that most others see it differently, perhaps. (This seems to be the opposite of your interpretation of my post, my apologies for being unclear.) I guess, I see a world that is overly cautious about caring and being cared about (caution about going from zero to one, from a being a person one doesn't care about to being a person one does), and one in which if I say I do care it may be interpreted as an "on" or "off" statement with all the baggage that accompanies that. (Going from caring to loving in a deep and long-term way seems like a different phase). Were your advice merely that I should tell fewer people that I care about them (noting that it is not), then I would disagree and retaliate that the problem with the world isn't that people care about each other too much, in my opinion.

Sentinel
 
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I am 57 and make new friends regularly - real friends that really talk with me about their real lives, not BS cocktail chatter friends. Age is nothing but an artificial reason to be open or not open to new people, so I never believe the baloney that it's hard to make friends after a certain age. Making new friends is as hard as you believe that it is. Making friends is like dating: It's about you making yourself emotionally available, not about the other people. If making friends is a priority, then get involved. Goodness knows, there are many ways to break out of one's little work-home-work orbit and get involved in one's community. Any place where you run into the same people again and again is a good place to make new friends, but here are a few avenues I've found for making new, real friends who tend to have important values in common with mine:

1. Weekly 12 Step meeting
2. Regular classes at our local yoga studio
3. Adult education classes
4. PTA meetings
5. Community improvement projects
6. Volunteer work - Volunteer Match is a good place to start looking for local volunteer opportunities.


All very good suggestions although #1 only applies to those that really need it (I know because I need it!)
 
On the last of these, I met an amazing woman on a business trip some months ago, and ventured as far as saying that I am attracted to her.
Sentinel, I want to bring up a point that I believe has yet not been made. I realize that I may be off base and maybe some of the women want to chime in.

First off, I am a guy, and see things through a man's prospective, however, I would like to think that I have done a lot of work to see things from a woman's prospective. Many women have been saturated with men approaching them for strictly sexual reasons. It is why your approach was potentially problematic.

Many of the approaches that women deal with seem to be very sexual in nature. Women tend to be jaded (understandably so) because frankly speaking many men are knuckle draggers that don't want to really get to know them, but just want to bed them. "I would like to get to know you better", really means "I just want to fuck you". I think many women don't feel like most guys really wants to get to know them, but only in so much as it takes to bed them. So while "I am attracted to you" might mean I would like to get to know you better from your prospective. To a woman jaded by men's sexual come ons, it might mean "I would like to fuck you". Not maybe the best approach especially for a business setting.

In a business setting you would still be fighting an uphill battle, but maybe a better approach would have been "you are a very interesting person, it would be nice to have a conversation about that (maybe something you were just talking about) some time, would that be ok with you?"

Maybe the women on this board will agree or have a different take.
 
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Work isn't the best place to make friends...or date, for that matter. I have a couple of friends from work, but they aren't my closest buddies.

Doing activities or being part of a physical community outside of work is the best way to make friendships. If you have an interest, join a group related to that.

For me, my best friendships are long term. My husband and I were friends growing up, and stayed friends even when we moved apart. It finally caused us to actually make the relationship work. My other friends I have met in the community. I like cars and working on stuff, so I've literally made friends with people I saw repeatedly at the auto parts store. I'm also part of a religious community now, so I'm making friends there too.
 
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