My partner missing the other woman

lolahaze

New member
Hi

I'm new to polyamory and have been involved with it only for the last 2 months or so. I've massive trust issues but my partner is very communicative and trustworthy which is helping me accept and embrace this relationship.

My partner and I have been together for 8 months but he has met someone new in the last 2 months (max). Initially it was communicated and stipulated that my partner and I were primary lovers, but now he is saying that this is shifting and that he sees me and the new woman almost as equal (although they live miles apart and have met for a few days at a time, at most 5 times).

Upon spending almost 2 weeks away from me and having about 8 days together with the other woman, my partner came back really missing her and was visibly upset around me and wasn't present with me at all. I felt his heart and head were elsewhere.

I put my ego aside and comforted and supported him through this and asked him to communicate. It hurt me to know my partners time with me was spent by me comforting him through the "loss" of someone elses presence. At the time I did the best I could, but afterwards I am questioning whether this is normal?

Do poly couples tend, support and nurture their partner when they're missing the other or is this simply crossing a boundary and that my partner should deal/cope/strategise with this himself before spending time with me?

I feel like I've been a bit of a pushover, but I just wanted my partner to feel supported as he's supported me through so much recently.

Any advice on what to do with forlorn partners who miss their other is welcome!

E <3
 
You're not alone

Hi lolahaze,

I found myself in a similar position a few weeks ago - we've been poly for nearly 7 years now, but my husband isn't exactly active and I haven't had that much to deal with in the way of metamours. However, he's met someone now, we were on holiday, I was feeling stressed in general and it felt like our time was being imposed upon by him messaging his other.

We talked it through in the end, although I'm ashamed to say I didn't react well at all before that! I was reassured and we were able to carry on and have a lovely holiday.

So you're definitely not alone. The whole NRE thing (there are lots of posts about it on here) can swallow people up and make them insensitive to the needs of their significant others. It sounds like you did well, and you're right to expect him both to communicate and to be more sensitive to your feelings.
 
I think it really depends on the relationship. Being loving and supportive towards your partner while he/she is dealing with sadness over separation, or a breakup, can really deepen the bond and trust between you, if you allow it. It is sometimes difficult to set our ego aside (especially when there's lots of NRE with the new partner and the NRE in the existing relationship is gone or waning), but it can be a wonderful experience if we allow it to be. Of course, this assumes that the love and support is reciprocated and the partner is making the effort to be present with us.

OTOH, if our partner is constantly mooning over the other person and isn't making an effort to be present and loving with us, it can build resentments and increase jealousy and insecurity in us, ultimately eroding the connection we have. The best way to prevent that, imo, is to be open and honest about your feelings, even when it's difficult. How your partner responds to your feelings and your needs will tell you a lot about your importance to him/her.
 
I understand where you are coming from.

Poly is also a (relatively) new thing for me. My partner is poly, I am mono. We live together and are expecting a baby. He moved a very long way to live with me and his other partner lived relatively close to where he used to live and therefore, understandably, he got very worried, anxious, upset and missed her a lot. Initially it was very intense. He is a gamer and games with his other partner and some other friends a couple of times a week. This sharply rose to the point where it was every or every other night, often well into the early hours. I thought it would stop, but I ended up bringing it up because we weren't speaking much or having any proper downtime in the evenings together (I also have a 5 year old son from a previous relationship, so look forward to this). He of his own accord, put a time limit on them in the evenings and gradually brought it back down. They message a lot over IM etc but this doesn't bother me unless we're busy. It's give and take and ultimately you both need to decide what you want and need from the situation. I answer to your question, yes, we should IMO, support each other whilst one is missing the other. At risk of sounding selfish, I am having a stressful pregnancy which has required numerous scans and hospital trips and I need him around for both physical and emotional support. I also offer emotional support and reassurance when he needs it. There are things around the house I simply cannot do and I need his help with. Sorry I'm rambling a bit, but hopefully you get what I mean! As I say though, it is give and take and every situation is different and it depends on what you need and want from it.

I think keeping communication honest and open here is key. If it gets to the stage where you are feeling pushed out and not like he is properly 'there' then it needs to be discussed further and he needs to be honest with you about what he wants to do about it.
 
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lolahaze, I'm unsure where "polyamory" fits in here.

Your relationship with him is shiny-new. Were you poly beforehand? or did you -- mutually & independently -- decide to be in a polyamorous relationship when the two of you first started out? or did he spring it on you as a non-option after you felt committed to him?

A mere six months in, the initial NRE buzz is peaking, & he coincidentally :rolleyes: finds someone else to get all puppydog about.

After swearing up & down that YOU are THE most important person in his life, & will remain so no matter how much hoochie he's getting elsewhere, he starts walking you back from that security -- not by reason, but by pressure -- perhaps setting you up to be the secondary.

He runs off & has a honeymoon with her. Certainly, you've had MANY eight-day holidays with him in your eight months together, & don't want to appear greedy.

Well, wow.

Yes, it's a really groovy idea to support someone you love -- though I entirely missed the part where HE supported YOU "through so much recently." And at what point are YOU going to have other partners?

But supporting someone doesn't mean being required to pat their fevered li'l brow for every little self-inflicted emotional owie. He should look behind the refrigerator, dust off his testicles, & stop acting like a pouty child expecting Mommy to kiss it.

And you should reconsider being Mommy. I mean, ewww.

To put it another way: either you're both adults, or you're not. If you want to have a grownup relationship, then stop larding the situation up with fluffy-bunny nonsense. The way you tell it, he sounds like a flighty airhead who's shopping for Miss Perfect & he'll dump you in a heartbeat when he thinks he's spotted her, & you sound like a suffering doormat who'll let him.
 
The Other...

I empathize with your situation. Ironically, because mine is extremely similar except in mine I am the "other." Or I was...

I fell in love with my boyfriend while he was in a relationship that was presumed to be primary. I can't speak to the details because I wasn't there when it started. All I know is that it changed when he met me. And that as it stands, he is now a hinge with two girlfriends, rather than a partner in only one primary relationship with a secondary lover. His other partner is extremely reluctant to be in this V at all, but is trying.

Anyway - the empathizing:
A few weeks or so ago, he and his first partner had a fight the night before we'd already made plans to meet. While we were out she made contact, and became furious when she realized he was with me. After shopping, we went to one of my favorite restaurants that I was excited to share with him. He spent the entire time across the table from me on his phone, and when he wasn't on his phone, looking forlorn. And when he wasn't just looking forlorn, sharing the details of the argument.

At the time i was more than sympathetic. I comforted him. We discussed it. It was days before I realized I was upset that our entire date night had become a discussion of his other relationship, as many nights had been because of the conflict my relationship with him had caused.

I felt I owed him that. A safe place to talk about everything honestly. But when I realized it was tearing me apart and I was walking around with burdens of a relationship I wasn't a part of, I knew that wasn't right either. So I took to the internet and wham - ended up here.

I got some great advice and so far it's been working out.

I drew a line and said that I couldn't be his support system for his other relationship, especially when the conflicts were about me. I wasn't unbiased, and I didn't want to constantly discuss someone else's relationship in the time that was supposed to be set aside for ours.

That said...

I don't think you're being dumped or left for this new woman. If you get to a place where you're comfortable with you and this new woman being equally important to him, maybe that will change? But for now I think it's appropriate to let him know that especially as you're struggling to handle this new and changing arrangement, he needs to find support for his feelings about her outside of your relationship. His time with you needs to be invested in you, in strengthening what you have together. Otherwise you'd be right not to feel secure with this new relationship. He can't spent time with her, then spend time with you thinking and talking about her, and expect it not to be problematic.

I hope this helps in some way.
 
Hi lolahaze,

I am inclined to advise you to set a boundary around yourself. That is, that you will only spend time with your partner when he is focused on you. For his part, he needs to weather his feelings without burdening you. If he wants to mention a little about the other woman that might be fine, but she needs to be in the background. Perhaps he has a friend he can talk to about it, or maybe he can talk to a poly-friendly counselor about it.

Just some thoughts.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Sometimes people need a bit of time and space after spending concentrated time with a lover before they reintegrate themselves in their normal routine or home life. Maybe he just needed a period of readjustment.

Also, while of course you can't be in denial that he has another relationship, there is a thing called oversharing. You could let him know that, while you are fine with acknowledging that he's going through some difficulty and hope he knows you want to be there for him and be a comfort to him, that there is a boundary you need put in place so you don't become his sounding board whenever something is going on with him and his other partner.

So, if I were you, I would gently encourage him to find other understanding third parties to turn to - whether it is a friend, family, therapist/counselor, a local poly group, or a forum like this. Make it clear that it is not because you don't care or have any issue with his other relationship, but because you simply cannot be a neutral party, and also do not feel it is fair for you to be in a position of always bearing the brunt of consoling him. You and need to let him know this. His relationship with another should not be bleeding over into yours too often.

Good luck! I hope you come back with an update.
 
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Hi, lolahaze!
Welcome to poly and to the site!

You write that you're new to poly (2 months), your bf has started a new relationship 2 months ago, and that you've been together 8 months.

Q: Was your bf poly before you started with him? Or did he decide to go poly after he met the other?

Q: Or did he go out and find a gf once you both decided to open up your relationship?

Q: Were you 100% behind the idea, or did you go along with it reluctantly because you love him / didn't want to lose him?

Q: Have you any interest in finding an Other?

Q: Did he contact you during those 2 weeks away? During the 8 days that he spent with her? (Just to touch base...)

Q: How long did this mooning last? Is it still going on? How long has he been back?

I do a lot of shooting in the dark. Sometimes my arrows hit, sometimes they go way off course. So don't take this as me jumping to conclusions, I'm just throwing out some ideas here. I'd like some feedback on this.

Personally, I find it strange that 2 people new to poly (if he is new as well) should decide that they are primaries after just 6 months together. It seems like saying "Well, she got here first, so you've got to take 2nd place." UNLESS you had a really deep relationship built up in those 6 months. And - I may be wrong - considering the fact that he's mooning over the gf now and neglecting you, it's more likely that it was NRE between the 2 of you, progressing into NRE between the 2 of them.

NRE is really nice... but makes for blurry vision.

Once his NRE with her has calmed down a bit, this could evolve into a stable V, where both you and she are about equal.

Or he could decide to have one of you as his primary and the other as secondary. (Don't bet all your money on the primary being you. Forget the money: don't bet your whole happiness on it. You might well be #1, but it's a little early in the race to tell for sure.)

Or he could go out and find gf3, to get another shot of NRE. Which - as we all know - is really nice.

Or he could go mono. Don't take bets on this one, either.

I don't know you or him or gf2. I don't know what you and he have been through or in what way he was really supportive of you in the past.

But if MY gf (of only 8 months) came back from almost 2 weeks away and didn't say either:
"Blow me down, Me Hearty! But HOW I've missed you!" or
"Hell, I didn't really miss you, because - you know - I kept getting distracted (heh heh heh), but it SURE is nice to see your ugly mug again!" or
SOMETHING that showed that she cared about me...
I'd be a trifle pissed off.

And if she expected me to hold her hand while she mooned about her oh-so-missed new love, I'd say "Well, 8 days obviously wasn't long enough. Why don't you go back and give me a call in another 8, and I'll see if I can fit you in?"

But, of course, when you're HOH in love, you don't say things like that.
 
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It's hard when you have "massive trust issues" to be poly.

And you've only been with the guy 8 months, not long enough to really know him. You might still be in NRE with him.

I think it's too soon for a poly person to promise you are his primary 4evah however.

On the other hand, look for red flags of narcissism. Narc's will love bomb a new partner, seeming they are perfect, then when they start to tire, start the downgrading of that partner, find another, and triangulate the two. This might not be the case, I hope it's not, but it's a possibility. He might have sought a person like you with trust issues, promising you the world, just to get pleasure from triangulating you with the even newer and shinier person when he got a wee bit bored.

If you sense this is the case, find the "Sociopath Free" website for more info.
 
Thank you everyone

First of all, thank you to everyone who's taken time out to respond, I'm finding this such a wonderful resource of information and support :)

To shed some light on my relationship I'll answer Mr Far From Right's questions first:

Q: Was your bf poly before you started with him? Or did he decide to go poly after he met the other?

A: He has always thought himself as poly but this is the first time he has been with someone (i.e me) who has been open to the suggestion, encouraging and embracing it all. Past partners have all been mono for him and me alike.


Q: Or did he go out and find a gf once you both decided to open up your relationship?

A: He didn't go out and look, it was a serendipitous meeting of souls but being poly had been discussed from day one.


Q: Were you 100% behind the idea, or did you go along with it reluctantly because you love him / didn't want to lose him?

A: To be 100% truthful, although it was open from the beginning, I was still seeing those initial months of us just being together and connecting. I've been working through some emotional baggage from my past which he's helped me through (the details of which don't need to be told here) but I guess it's one of those things where it was accepted that yes, this will be a poly relationship in words, but then ACTION happens and suddenly raw emotions come up with that your logic and rationale just cant comprehend until it happens. Obviously I don't want to lose him. However, I have been doing lots of soul searching and asking myself is this right for me... long story short; yes, it is. And no because of reluctance or coercion but because it's right for me and my growth, development and ability to love lots :)


Q: Have you any interest in finding an Other?

A: Right now, I am still working on myself as for me to find an Other could distract me from sitting with the usual poly stuff of jealousy and insecurity. For too long I've not been able to love myself and now I'm really enjoying the journey of doing so. I feel I'll start opening up to another when the time is right (who knows who, but the act of looking seems desperate!) Maybe the "other" here is actually me - after so long a time of self neglect. I dont need validation or support from an other right now for that :)


Q: Did he contact you during those 2 weeks away? During the 8 days that he spent with her? (Just to touch base...)

A: Yes contact was frequent and whenever I was struggling, time was given for me to communicate and express how I felt.


Q: How long did this mooning last? Is it still going on? How long has he been back?

A: Basically the day after I held him and supported him I told him to go back. Probably the hardest decision I've made but one I'm proud of... instead of 3 people being upset, it was only one. Yes, that one was me, but that's because my ego had to take a back step.

I have to iterate here that my partner and his other are both overseas often, so it has been somewhat a rushed process (and I hate to be rushed, but the universe has a wicked sense of humour). They're trying to find times to squeeze in together before one or both leave the country and to see whether their connection is worth pursuing later down the line when they'll both be in the same country for a number of months (her with her partner, but me staying at home).

I think we all agree that this has taken everyone by surprise (to the point that now I'm not even primary, but me and the other are equal, which kinda hurt) and the fact that time is not on our side has led to there being overspill of emotions between the three of us.

I'm beginning to voice the opinion that my partner needs to spend more time alone, I'm aware that his sense of "self" could get lost in having two partners and rushing about and not being present with either of us or himself.

Anyway, that's where I'm at. I've had a huge breakthough of late embracing this, it seems I'm not fighting it so much. I'm just doing a whole lot of loving myself through it all whilst he's overseas and it feels right :)

Thanks everyone! x
 
Thanks for that update, lolahaze. It sounds like things are a little better; that's good to hear.
 
I'm going to apologize now if this is not what you want to hear but just consider...Maybe you have not been in your "core" relationship long enough to expect anything less than this happening. If you truly want this 3 way relationship to work, and still maintain "core" status, I think you should get really close to the girlfriend. Connect with her. You were/are open to the idea of this 3 way working and being wonderful for you both. AND - THEN continue to work on communicating with your man. Show him/Remind him what the attraction between you two/three was all about. Sometimes,the "core" person needs to accept the growth and connection with the other two people. Infact, encourage it, talk about it understand it.
If you think a relationship with two people is hard....three is even harder.
Communicate, Listen and be patient. A good solid relationship doesn't happen over night.
 
I'm going to apologize now if this is not what you want to hear but just consider...Maybe you have not been in your "core" relationship long enough to expect anything less than this happening. If you truly want this 3 way relationship to work, and still maintain "core" status, I think you should get really close to the girlfriend. Connect with her. You were/are open to the idea of this 3 way working and being wonderful for you both. AND - THEN continue to work on communicating with your man. Show him/Remind him what the attraction between you two/three was all about. Sometimes,the "core" person needs to accept the growth and connection with the other two people. In fact, encourage it, talk about it understand it.
If you think a relationship with two people is hard....three is even harder.
Communicate, Listen and be patient. A good solid relationship doesn't happen over night.

Married, this is not a triad. It's a V. There is no requirement for metamours to meet, connect, or "get really close."
 
I'm going to apologize now if this is not what you want to hear but just consider...Maybe you have not been in your "core" relationship long enough to expect anything less than this happening. If you truly want this 3 way relationship to work, and still maintain "core" status, I think you should get really close to the girlfriend. Connect with her. You were/are open to the idea of this 3 way working and being wonderful for you both. AND - THEN continue to work on communicating with your man. Show him/Remind him what the attraction between you two/three was all about. Sometimes,the "core" person needs to accept the growth and connection with the other two people. Infact, encourage it, talk about it understand it.
If you think a relationship with two people is hard....three is even harder.
Communicate, Listen and be patient. A good solid relationship doesn't happen over night.

The op doesn't have to develop anything with her metamour. They aren't in a relationship. My husbands have nothing to do with each other. They actually haven't seen each other in 2 years. They mind their own business and focus on their own relationships.
 
Lol
 
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