Why is he not making time for me?

ohno

New member
I am new to polyamory. I'm currently with three guys, one of which is not making time for me at all. None of us are in the relationships, we are all fwb and we don't meet together because they are not into it.

With one guy it started great. We had dates once a week. We were crazy about each other. Suddenly he didn't have time for me but kept in touch. Weeks turned into months like that. It was too long for me not to see him so I told him I'm really fed up with it. He kept in contact still saying we would see each other eventually.

I know for a fact he doesn't want things to be over. And that he is not too busy but he just doesn't want to see me for some time. He dates other people now. It feels like he is pushing me away.

Is this usual situation and I should accept it? Is this usual schedule? Why would a guy do this?
 
No one else knows what is in this guy's head, so we cannot tell you why or why not he is doing whatever he is doing. However, it may be that he's just not into you that much anymore. It seems obvious that getting together with you is not a priority for him; otherwise he would make it happen.

Judge people by their deeds, not their words.

So, instead of asking what is "normal," "usual," or generally expected in poly relationships -- which cannot be answered anyway, because individuals work out what is best for them which might not be best for you -- ask yourself what you want and what you are willing to accept. It's simple.

Some people need daily contact; some people don't mind if months go by, but it is an individual preference, and not every person you date or fuck (or whatever) is going to be compatible with your preferences.

Do you feel dissed? Abandoned? Forgotten? Then either speak up or move on, but why would you even entertain the notion that, just because it's poly, you should put up with shit you don't like? If, in your opinion, he's acting like a douche and you're unhappy about it, DTMFA! If it doesn't bother you, then just wait and see when he gets in touch and go have a good time if he does.

It's all up to you.
 
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I am sorry you struggle.

Weeks turned into months like that. It was too long for me not to see him so I told him I'm really fed up with it.

If you are fed up with it? And his behaviors don't meet what you want out of the dating experience? Let it be done.

I know for a fact he doesn't want things to be over. And that he is not too busy but he just doesn't want to see me for some time. He dates other people now. It feels like he is pushing me away.

Why worry so much about what's going in his head or what he wants? He still doesn't meet YOUR personal standard. Let it be done.

Is this usual situation and I should accept it? Is this usual schedule? Why would a guy do this?

Why would you accept something you are fed up with just because it's his usual way of behaving? :confused:

YOU determine how you want YOUR relationships to run. You find compatible people who want same. You don't have to accept less than your personal standard just to be in a polyship.

Galagirl
 
Hi ohno,

Based on your description, I am thinking this guy has other things to do (most of the time), that to him are more interesting/important than how he perceives you. You told him you were fed up with it, and yet he continued with the same old behavior. What can you do? You can't force him to change. Maybe breaking up is your best option here. Sorry to put it like that ...

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Sounds like he's just not into you, he doesn't want to cut you loose because he wants access to you when it's convenient to him.
 
Hi, ohno, and welcome!
It was too long for me not to see him so I told him I'm really fed up with it. He kept in contact still saying we would see each other eventually.
Might be he's keeping you as a back-up plan in case his other relationships don't pan out. (Just might be...)
He dates other people now. It feels like he is pushing me away.
Are these new people? In which case, he hasn't got time for you, but he has time to look for new people? :confused::confused::confused: (Actually, not :confused: at all, just :eek:... and :mad:) If these are not new people, it's possible that he's dealing with crises that take up a lot of his time/energy. Maybe he's got an STD that he doesn't want to pass on to you. (But this would be SO uncool: maybe he already has and you really need to know.) Talk to him about his reasons.

Maybe I'm being naïve here, but doesn't fwb mean friends who also fuck (or whatever sexual deviance :p they get up to)? Maybe I'm being naïve here, but don't friends talk?
Is this usual situation and I should accept it?
If your question means "Is this situation usual in others' poly relationships and am I being politically incorrect to object to it?", my answer is: "Stop asking yourself this question. It is not relevant. How others live their poly life should not decide how you live yours. You have to decide what's right for you. If his behaviour is unacceptable to you, then make that plain to him. If he continues to act like this - or tries to blackmail you with 'You're not being very poly, are you?' - you have 2 options: continue to struggle with him... or ditch him. It's your call: not that of nonexistent 'poly experts'."

All the best!
 
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