Hi there,
I’m putting this out into cyberspace because I am completely lost and have no idea what to do.
I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for almost 3 years, and the last year of that has been entirely long distance. Although we’ve had our issues, things have been good overall, hence us staying together so long despite the distance.
In the past year he met someone else (early this year), and given that we are poly I, was supportive of him pursuing this relationship, although admittedly the intensity it seemed to have did scare me. When I expressed my fears to him, he assured me that I had nothing to fear from this new partner, and I was ultimately convinced this was the case and that I was being paranoid because of the distance. My partner has on the whole been trustworthy and honest – we’ve both had other partners in the course of the relationship and none have ever caused any major issues for our primary relationship.
Anyway, recently out of the blue we had a conversation and it seemed that he was saying he wanted this new partner (of less than a year) to be his primary. I am not inherently opposed to the notion of us having co-primaries, or him having another co-primary, but we had always agreed this would be a decision we’d make together and on the understanding that we both were happy with how things were evolving. I now feel that he and the new partner have essentially decided they want to have a primary relationship, and because I am not there and naturally there’s distance between us due to the actual distance, I don’t know how I can compete with this, or what to do to try to save the relationship.
I feel that my partner is basically doing the out of sight out of mind thing and has lost touch with why we’ve worked so hard to stay together (because his immediate needs are being met by her). To add to that, although I have had contact with his other partner and we are on good terms, she has openly admitted to struggling with polyamory and jealousy, and it seems that she would be happier if I were not around (although she’s not an awful person, she’s just never been poly and wants him to herself).
Is there anything anyone can suggest I can do to make my partner see that he owes it to himself and me not to abandon our relationship for this new one? Or at least not without seeing me again? I am feeling confused and betrayed that he would even consider entering into another primary partnership without his existing primary partner’s agreement, but it seems that’s what I’m facing.
I don’t want to lose him, but after all this time I don’t think I can be relegated to being a ‘secondary’ partner when he’s promised for so long there was never any danger of that occurring. I would not be able to overcome the broken trust.
I am feeling devastated and sad. My partner says he still loves me and wants the relationship to continue, but I don’t feel at all secure.
I’m putting this out into cyberspace because I am completely lost and have no idea what to do.
I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for almost 3 years, and the last year of that has been entirely long distance. Although we’ve had our issues, things have been good overall, hence us staying together so long despite the distance.
In the past year he met someone else (early this year), and given that we are poly I, was supportive of him pursuing this relationship, although admittedly the intensity it seemed to have did scare me. When I expressed my fears to him, he assured me that I had nothing to fear from this new partner, and I was ultimately convinced this was the case and that I was being paranoid because of the distance. My partner has on the whole been trustworthy and honest – we’ve both had other partners in the course of the relationship and none have ever caused any major issues for our primary relationship.
Anyway, recently out of the blue we had a conversation and it seemed that he was saying he wanted this new partner (of less than a year) to be his primary. I am not inherently opposed to the notion of us having co-primaries, or him having another co-primary, but we had always agreed this would be a decision we’d make together and on the understanding that we both were happy with how things were evolving. I now feel that he and the new partner have essentially decided they want to have a primary relationship, and because I am not there and naturally there’s distance between us due to the actual distance, I don’t know how I can compete with this, or what to do to try to save the relationship.
I feel that my partner is basically doing the out of sight out of mind thing and has lost touch with why we’ve worked so hard to stay together (because his immediate needs are being met by her). To add to that, although I have had contact with his other partner and we are on good terms, she has openly admitted to struggling with polyamory and jealousy, and it seems that she would be happier if I were not around (although she’s not an awful person, she’s just never been poly and wants him to herself).
Is there anything anyone can suggest I can do to make my partner see that he owes it to himself and me not to abandon our relationship for this new one? Or at least not without seeing me again? I am feeling confused and betrayed that he would even consider entering into another primary partnership without his existing primary partner’s agreement, but it seems that’s what I’m facing.
I don’t want to lose him, but after all this time I don’t think I can be relegated to being a ‘secondary’ partner when he’s promised for so long there was never any danger of that occurring. I would not be able to overcome the broken trust.
I am feeling devastated and sad. My partner says he still loves me and wants the relationship to continue, but I don’t feel at all secure.