Need advice re poly primary issues

firedoor7

New member
Hi there,
I’m putting this out into cyberspace because I am completely lost and have no idea what to do.
I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for almost 3 years, and the last year of that has been entirely long distance. Although we’ve had our issues, things have been good overall, hence us staying together so long despite the distance.
In the past year he met someone else (early this year), and given that we are poly I, was supportive of him pursuing this relationship, although admittedly the intensity it seemed to have did scare me. When I expressed my fears to him, he assured me that I had nothing to fear from this new partner, and I was ultimately convinced this was the case and that I was being paranoid because of the distance. My partner has on the whole been trustworthy and honest – we’ve both had other partners in the course of the relationship and none have ever caused any major issues for our primary relationship.
Anyway, recently out of the blue we had a conversation and it seemed that he was saying he wanted this new partner (of less than a year) to be his primary. I am not inherently opposed to the notion of us having co-primaries, or him having another co-primary, but we had always agreed this would be a decision we’d make together and on the understanding that we both were happy with how things were evolving. I now feel that he and the new partner have essentially decided they want to have a primary relationship, and because I am not there and naturally there’s distance between us due to the actual distance, I don’t know how I can compete with this, or what to do to try to save the relationship.
I feel that my partner is basically doing the out of sight out of mind thing and has lost touch with why we’ve worked so hard to stay together (because his immediate needs are being met by her). To add to that, although I have had contact with his other partner and we are on good terms, she has openly admitted to struggling with polyamory and jealousy, and it seems that she would be happier if I were not around (although she’s not an awful person, she’s just never been poly and wants him to herself).
Is there anything anyone can suggest I can do to make my partner see that he owes it to himself and me not to abandon our relationship for this new one? Or at least not without seeing me again? I am feeling confused and betrayed that he would even consider entering into another primary partnership without his existing primary partner’s agreement, but it seems that’s what I’m facing.
I don’t want to lose him, but after all this time I don’t think I can be relegated to being a ‘secondary’ partner when he’s promised for so long there was never any danger of that occurring. I would not be able to overcome the broken trust.
I am feeling devastated and sad. My partner says he still loves me and wants the relationship to continue, but I don’t feel at all secure.
 
. I now feel that he and the new partner have essentially decided they want to have a primary relationship, and because I am not there and naturally there’s distance between us due to the actual distance, I don’t know how I can compete with this, or what to do to try to save the relationship.

Is there anything anyone can suggest I can do to make my partner see that he owes it to himself and me not to abandon our relationship for this new one?

I am feeling confused and betrayed that he would even consider entering into another primary partnership without his existing primary partner’s agreement, but it seems that’s what I’m facing.

I don’t want to lose him, but after all this time I don’t think I can be relegated to being a ‘secondary’ partner when he’s promised for so long there was never any danger of that occurring. I would not be able to overcome the broken trust.

I feel for your pain. I truly do. But isn't the whole point of poly often that the primary couple makes arrangements for how the secondary will live...exactly as you are now feeling someone else has made arrangements for you? Primary couples make agreements all the time and just assume the secondaries will live by those agreements...yet now it hurts when the shoe is on the other foot?

Have you considered why you thought it was okay for another woman to be relegated to secondary, but not you?

In truth, isn't the whole point of poly that two people don't 'own' each other or 'control' each other, and thus, don't exactly owe each other much? He's given you honesty and communication, which are the twin gods of poly that he owed you.

I truly feel your pain, I feel for your pain, and I wish you weren't hurting. I'm sorry.
 
thanks

Hi there, and thanks for your reply. You make a valid point, but one I certainly have considered. I suppose I should maybe have included a bit more background information.

When my partner and I met, he was married and in a primary relationship. I was his 'secondary' partner for about 9 months, when their relationship broke up for reasons unrelated to me or polyamory at all (long standing issues from before I was around). So, I am no stranger to being a secondary partner and have been nothing but supportive and compassion towards my metamour in this current situation. Because of the distance, they have in some respects already been in a more primary situation and I have not had issues around that (given that I can't be there to meet his needs).

I also should clarify that I am not fundamentally opposed to non-hierarchical relationship structures (or that we are both equal, no primaries or secondaries). However, in this type of relationship structure I still feel that ALL parties should be involved in decision making when it comes to large scale changes in the relationships, and that the time and commitment I have invested in the relationship should count for something. I am not wanting to push my metamour out of the picture - it's quite the opposite. I've been welcoming and inclusive in my behaviour towards her as she is new to poly and struggles intensely with jealousy issues. I have done my best to make this a manageable situation for her as well. I care about both of them. But I don't feel she cares for my wellbeing as much because she is still in too much trauma around having to 'share' at all. She does not want me to be in the picture. I know that my partner does, but I think if this is how well she is coping with polyamory after 9 months, it may not be a good fit for her (this is a separate issue though).

In essence, I am not utterly opposed to a co-primary or no-primary setup or a triad, but I want to feel my years of input and support and what I have to offer isn't unappreciated. If I had met my metamour in person, and felt I could trust that she was genuinely supportive of polyamory in general and of my relationship with my partner, then I would not be concerned by their relationship evolving. I do believe in the principles you have identified. But I also think that trying to do any relationship long distance is extremely hard and requires some commitments/promises/agreed upon rules, to protect the existing relationship and to ensure something value isn't squandered in favour of the shiny new toy. We all know the impact of NRE or limerance, and those of us not new to poly also know it is temporary. I think my partner and metamour are still in the throes of this and it is causing them to be insensitive to me (especially when I am not there physically).

I don't know that this would change your advice to me. Maybe you are right and there is nothing I can do except grieve. I do want my partner and metamour to be happy and if that comes only at the cost of my existing relationship with him, so be it. But I would obviously prefer to come to an arrangement wherein we can all get our needs met, and we don't lose a relationship we have both put so much time and effort into. My concern is not one of 'sharing' him as a primary, but of losing some of the real things I value in our relationship. A key example would be that if they lived together I am very doubtful I'd be welcome to stay there. I am also doubtful that she is supportive of us taking holidays together, or even spending any time alone. She is so jealous of even short skype dates (an hour) that I don't feel any trust that if she is made a co-primary I will still be considered and my needs counted to the same degree.

Ultimately though, I know it is up to my partner to decide what he wants. I am just not sure I can go from a situation of barely having my needs met (because of the distance) to losing some of the things that make the situation currently manageable. Does anyone else not think that promises still count? I mean I know everyone doesn't believe in the hierarchical poly set up, but in going into the long distance situation we agreed we needed to retain 'primacy' to nurture the relationship while apart. This was something I needed to stay in a long distance situation, and I was upfront about it, and he agreed fully.

Anyway, love to hear any more feedback. Trying very hard to be kind to others without completely subjugating my own needs. :S
 
My concern is not one of 'sharing' him as a primary, but of losing some of the real things I value in our relationship. A key example would be that if they lived together I am very doubtful I'd be welcome to stay there. I am also doubtful that she is supportive of us taking holidays together, or even spending any time alone. She is so jealous of even short skype dates (an hour) that I don't feel any trust that if she is made a co-primary I will still be considered and my needs counted to the same degree.

You have posed some excellent questions and concerns. IMHO, you need to ask him specifically what the co-primary status means in regard to your relationship in concrete terms. I mean if he is using the term to indicate her importance to him, but it would change none of the aforementioned, probably does not have to be a huge issue. However, if in fact it does mean concrete changes, then you will know exactly what you are dealing with.
 
Hi firedoor7,

I take it you have two main concerns:

  • Your relationship with your partner of three years can only survive the long-distance factor if you are his only primary.
  • That's especially true of his new partner, who isn't very polyamorous at heart and would like him all to herself.
So, you have asked him to not make her a primary partner, and he has decided to do it anyway (against your express wishes)?

How much longer will this be a long-distance situation between you and him? Would you be able to visit him in person soon? It sounds like you'd need to talk to him in person in order to reason with him about this.

I can see that you are feeling very insecure, and am sorry you are finding yourself in this difficult spot.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
It sounds like you'd need to talk to him in person in order to reason with him about this.

Reason with him? But there are three people involved in this situation, two of whom wish to be one another's primaries. Why is it not considered controlling to try to determine someone else's relationship structure?

Firedoor, for this reason, I don't see what other advice there is. You've told him how you feel. She and he feel differently. This is why I've often thought 'communication' is highly overrated as a means of solving problems. Sometimes the problem is not lack of communication, but that two (or three) people simply do not want the same things. No amount of communicating will change that.

They want to be primaries. I'm assuming you've already pointed out the NRE aspect to him? But the fact is, there are people who are married within a year of meeting, and have wonderful marriages. It may not be just NRE.

I'm sorry for your pain.
 
I am sorry you struggle. :( I can see your anxiousness, and worry in your posts. Could not jump the gun there from anxiety though.

Sometimes it helps to see things written another way. I am going to guess and I could get it totally wrong. So please correct me, ok? Blue is mine.

BACKGROUND

  • 3 years ago you start seeing him. He is married, his wife is primary, you are secondary.
  • They break up 9 mos later.
  • It is just you and him for a while. (As the remaining partner, did you remain secondary? And he just had no primary? I am not clear on that.)
  • At some point in there, you go LDR.
    • A condition of LDR with you is that you are considered primary now. He agreed.
    • A condition of LDR is that he runs it by you if he wants an additional primary.He agreed.
    • A condition of LDR is that you run it by him if you want an additional primary.He agreed.
  • He starts dating new GF in January or so this year.
    • She's not entirely sold on polyshipping and struggles with that.
    • You are LDR and struggling with the distance.
TODAY:

  • You do not trust your metamour (his local GF) yet. She is insecure about polyshipping and says she wants him to herself. This triggers you, esp with your own LDR anxiety.
  • You think they both are NRE lala.


PROBLEM:
  • You think he wants her as primary, the local GF of 9 mos.
    • You have/have not clarified this yet.
    • Is this INSTEAD of you being primary? (She is primary, you are secondary?)
    • Is this in ADDITION to you being primary also?

ADDITIONAL WORRY
  • You fear even though (you + him) agreed to you being primary in words before going LDR that the reality in actual practice is that the LDR makes you secondary in what influence he is willing for you to actually have in his life.
    • You think he is making a unilateral decisions for the (you + him) couple?
    • You are upset this was not discussed in the (You + him) layer first before being offered to her? (agreement he made with you before LDR that reaffirms you as primary)
    • You do not want to be secondary if she is primary. You prefer to be co-primary or no-primary here.
Could get super clear on this first:

Anyway, recently out of the blue we had a conversation and it seemed that he was saying he wanted this new partner (of less than a year) to be his primary.

I note you say "it seemed he was saying" and not "he said." I also note you use "feel" in place of "think" a few times. It is possible for you to think wrong. Have you asked for clarification so you can KNOW?Could ask him something like...

  • "Are you saying you want her as a local primary? How does that affect me then? Am I an LDR coprimary or an LDR secondary? What does that look like to you?

I get that you have LDR stresses to worry about, but no need to go amplifying it. Could ASK direct questions so you can KNOW what it is you deal in here rather than wondering and building up your stress level doing "what if this? What if that?" kinds of thoughts.

I think my partner and metamour are still in the throes of this and it is causing them to be insensitive to me (especially when I am not there physically).

What behavior do they do that is insensitive? Because so far without a list of behaviors it is hard for me to see from your posts if they are being insensitive, you are being sensitive, or BOTH things are happening here. :eek:

How long is this LDR going to be?

Galagirl
 
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Why are you assuming it's all doom and gloom for you and that you are losing the relationship if all he's said is that he wants another co-primary? Are you indulging in a bit of melodrama because the status quo has been shaken up? Honey, most problems in life are due to holding on to the past or whatever expectations we fantasize about - if you stay present in the here and now, you can respond to whatever life throws your way appropriately. There is no use in taking offense at his request and feeling slighted. It seems to me, you are panicking but that panic is probably a bit out of proportion to the situation.

Why don't you arrange to visit him so you can reconnect and talk in person?
 
I read all these posts and so many sound complicated, do not last or invoke bad emotions. I guess my wife and I were real lucky. My wife brought her best friend into our marriage. Her friend first started off with me and then my wife joined us. We lasted for about 38 years of our 45 year marriage. Our girlfriend was secondary, she knew it, she accepted it and was very careful to make sure that my wife was OK with doing things alone with me.

However, she wanted a marriage of her own so she simply found a cuckold online and married him and continued with our relationship while he paid the bills so that she did not have to work anymore. We actually spent more time with her after she got married. So she had a primary relationship of her own and was happy with her secondary with us. Both ladies in my life were very smart about their choices and that helps a lot. I actually knew our girlfriend longer than my wife did and always had a crush on her. My wife knew that so she brought in someone we both desired. Our g/f went through many online dates to find someone that was OK with her relationship with us. I would not have handled it as well as they did.

In all that time there was no drama or jealousy. My wife and I accepted that our g/f had a husband and we even socialized with him. Our g/f accepted that she was secondary to my wife and I. It never bothered me that our g/f got married and was having sex with another guy and my wife had no problem with me having sex /dates with our g/f without her participation. No drama, great life and a lot of fun times and memories. It can work with the right mix of people but I still advise others not to try it in marriage. We are the only couple out of 8 we knew into a poly lifestyle, that are still married. All got divorced after falling in love with one of their outside lovers. Sounds cliché but it is true. If you look enough times chemistry and emotions will eventually take over as there is always someone better than what you got. Either you spend your life going from lover to lover or stop when you find ones that you love and are happy with.
 
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