feeling heart broken

Status
Not open for further replies.
All that you said makes sense. Unfortunately I think I made a lot of mistakes before I could see all this clearly. After I had an amazing week with him I came home to a serious challenging situation and to not get to into it I ran smack dab into an intense emotional family breakdown. Not with my husband but other stuff with my parents and sisters and what not. He also was having some serious family challenges including possibly having to adopt his sisters kids. Both of our situations were going on before we met. I came home longing for more and missing our time together. He did as well, but he got more introverted and through himself into his work. I was getting slammed every day with huge issues coming to light and my stress broke and I got mad at him and texted him some pissed words. I apologized a few days later and explained it had nothing to do with him.
Its been challenging for me because I have never in all my life gone so irrational on someone before. It was totally out of character. And yet it happened. He hasn't contacted me since then and I don't blame him. I have needed time to sort through it all. I have also gotten away from the intensity and my Dad (who I am supporting and is living with me right now) because my kid and hubbie and I have been in Hawaii for nearly two weeks. I have had some time to sort my heart out.
It is clear to me I am not ready for another relationship at this time, and my learning curve has been huge... He is either gonna contact me and we can both see about talking again or he won't. :eek::)
 
It sounds like you have gained a little bit of zen in the midst of all the chaos. I hope the new guy will contact you eventually, but I think you are wise to not put all your eggs in that basket.
 
Nuts and bolts

I find myself wondering about some of the nuts and bolts here. How you met, is he married, what sort of job.

When the "threesome" remark came up, I got a very different take. I think he was asking for a "test drive" on a triad live in marriage. I mean if I am going to move seven hours, change jobs blah blah, I want to at least meet your husband.

Now more in his defense, I get on average 200 emails per day. Most of it I do not even open, I forward or trash. My daughters get answered immediately (Oh house is on fire? Let me finish this email to my daughter), I tend to be a guy juggling too many balls at once and I am also touchy feely.

All that and new love, new perfect love, NEW for me is the key word. Not enough information (like the guy who said, OK I knew you weren't psycho...)

I don't do distance well. I write well, speak well, but I am a cold hearted practical romantic and if there is not going to be some touchy feely, my mind is saying so how serious is she. (Yes, not a question, but more a dismissive statement.)

So my wife has been dead for fifteen years, kids are grown, I'm alone, not liking it, but used to it and pretty clear about what I want. I throw the disclaimers out early on to get the tire kickers off the lot. I am a charming, handsome, seriously romantic guy who is a cold calculating, dominant paradox. Hell, there are times I'd leave ME, if I only knew how. Compromise? Sure, if you are in the room, but put an ocean between us and not a chance.

If you went off on me? An apology might work, but red flag that early, probably not. Add all those other things you mentioned bit by bit and I'd be pulling back and writing off the incredible connection or certainly heavily discounting its value. I'd cry, watch a chick flick or two, have a broken heart, but not tell you about it.

These are my random stupid thoughts.
 
I find myself wondering about some of the nuts and bolts here. How you met, is he married, what sort of job.

When the "threesome" remark came up, I got a very different take. I think he was asking for a "test drive" on a triad live in marriage. I mean if I am going to move seven hours, change jobs blah blah, I want to at least meet your husband.

Actually, I think the threesome remark was made by the mutual friend through whom they met.

I too was wondering _where_ they met. In terms of, on Seasiren's home turf? On his? On vacation somewhere else?

But in any case, sounds like he said - this particular LDR isn't going to work for me.

Sorry it hurts so much.

FAL

--------------------------------

M - Me - Mandelbrot - female, 59 - _trying_ to figure out if I'm poly
Clyde (previously B) - 57 - my husband for over 35 years
Jacques (previously JP) - 59 - my high school boyfriend, newly appeared in the picture last fall after 38 years; very long distance; haven't actually seen him; tentatively diagnosed with dementia
Artemis (previously A) - 66? - Jacques' wife of over 32 years
 
Okay well... The reality is/was that it was a vacation for both of us. He opened up to me the minute we met, and oh how I love that! It was an instant attraction with fantasy play within in the first 12 hours. We both have BDSM experience and we were cut from the same cloth so to speak. It pushed me in ways I hadn't experienced in many years if ever. I guess that is the NRE thing. But there were 4 separate occasions where we each had emotional insecurities come up, two for him and two for me. And we both talked each other down so to speak. To me that is a good sign of compatability. There were many others.
What we failed to do is talk about rules. And upon the return both our stresses sent us in opposite ways.
It's been two weeks since my apology to him, and I can now see how both of us failed to be considerate to the other in the after math of all the romance. In other words it wasn't just me being stupid...
For me the whole thing has been healing.. Even with the pain of probably never seeing him again (which may be for the best), I have made so much progress emotionally in MRL, and just to know that I am capable of having that kind of love again is exciting for me. Abundance is how I am choosing to look at this heart break. When the heart breaks it can grow larger and stronger... It makes more room for more love...
 
Okay well... The reality is/was that it was a vacation for both of us. He opened up to me the minute we met, and oh how I love that! It was an instant attraction with fantasy play within in the first 12 hours. We both have BDSM experience and we were cut from the same cloth so to speak. It pushed me in ways I hadn't experienced in many years if ever. I guess that is the NRE thing.

Or that things are less guarded when far from home.

Having done a disgusting amount of what we can group into the BDSM genre, I have seen women do things when a few thousand miles away from home, and with total strangers, which they could never give themselves permission to do at home with people they loved, trusted and had both clear rules and a good history with.

Las Vegas copped to this in their big ad campaign. I always watch those ads and wonder if my Elvis Wedding is only recognized in Las Vegas! LOL

But there were 4 separate occasions where we each had emotional insecurities come up, two for him and two for me.

I am so glad you gave us the math on that. It was really useful.

You might think about being more open, but hey you are back at home. Perhaps that trait stayed on vacation.


And we both talked each other down so to speak. To me that is a good sign of compatability. There were many others.

Same here. With the added rubric "assume" makes and ass out of u & me

Without better information it is really hard to have insight or offer advice.

What we failed to do is talk about rules.

Right rules on vacation. I usually meet a new girl on vacation, sit down write the rules, my rule of thumb is between the first and 2nd drink. Have both our attorneys check and approve the wording and then sign in blood of course and notarized.

"No I am NOT getting on the dance floor with you! Not until we have all the rules in place!"

Of course there are those who say, best to wait and do it between the first and second child.

I find a good internal rule, which of course my lawyer hates because he does not get his fee, is when you get one. Of those texts or letters that really sets you off, immediately shut off your phone, computer and go running, while screaming at full voice until you run out of breath or are captured, sedated and hospitalized under the care of qualified professionals, which gives you a chance to think rationally.

Nothing like appearing before a judge in a straight jacket to lend a bit of perspective.

And upon the return both our stresses sent us in opposite ways.

Is this a new app? I am so behind on this technology curve.

I was forming a new company a few years back. Wrote out a business plan (only done a couple a hundred of these, seriously) and sent it to my daughter at Stanford to take a look.

Email back: Papa, a written business plan. So 20th Century.

Everyone has stresses. Developing good strategies for coping? "We should be getting some more in next week. thank you for shopping at Walmart."

It's been two weeks since my apology to him, and I can now see how both of us failed to be considerate to the other

I am wondering if your apology was as full of information as this post.

Now that you have had a couple of weeks to reflect, maybe it is time to write him the letter of your experience, but make it long detailed, full of information. The kind an inexperienced lawyer could use and still win in court.

in the after math of all the romance.

I know this is just autocorrect but coupled with the 4 insecurities, just tickled my little tummy.

In other words it wasn't just me being stupid...

I have learned from hard experience changing other people's totally stupid behavior can only be done effectively by Heads of States, who have large scary guy with big gun and various implements of destruction. And even they have rather spotty results. Outside of our big wins in Iraq and Afghanistan where we entered into total chaos and left pure peace and tranquility, which will likely last well past the life if our sun, I struggle to think of a success.

I do find changing my own stupid behavior is a DIY, though truncheons are not advised.


For me the whole thing has been healing.. Even with the pain of probably never seeing him again (which may be for the best), I have made so much progress emotionally in MRL, and just to know that I am capable of having that kind of love again is exciting for me.

I ready planning that next vacation? Make sure to pack those rules this time.


My apologies for the snide tone, but I feel a bit of levity helps when delivering a good bitch slap and you did say you were into BDSM.

I would write that letter not so much for him, but to help you get the healing a bit clearer, cleaner and complete.

Who knows maybe he has a cute, kinky lawyer.
 
Dickdomin... haahahhaaa. Thank you for the levity... I can use a friendly bitch slap...especially from a romantic dom. Maybe he has a kinky lawyer indeed! Yikes!
If I am gathering what you said correctly you are saying with some sarcasm that, rules are not always the answer... Sometimes the dice just fall where they may and you cannot just do everything right and make a perfect out come. Life is messy, emotions are messy. Oh and buck up and cope. Yeah.. So true..
Ofcourse there is so much more to this story that has nothing to do with said kinky vacation sub lover boy. That was how my apology went actually. I am sorry I was such a bitch to you it really had nothing to do with you. I was holding the rest of my life together just fine. Until the dam broke and I got pissed and for reasons only a judge could say, "get her in a nut house." I took it out on him.
It wasn't just normal stress, it was major upheaval kinda things that came like a tsunami every day, and actually now that I am back after two weeks in Hawaii with my kid and Hub, again they start.. It is a big time for my life and I have no business trying to have another boyfriend for the moment.. I am guessing that is what your smartypants daughter would say anyways..:D
 
I was wondering if Dickdomin was off his nut. ;)
 
I was wondering if Dickdomin was off his nut. ;)

He is, but does his best to give sage advice, but only because I think Thyme is such an overpowering scent

I think life is far too serious to take it seriously

I envy level headed guys like you.
 
The Rules

, rules are not always the answer...

I have been BDSM as a. Big. Bad Dom for a minute. I have never had a set set of rules and never once used a safeword. (I have had safe words told to me and also never had one used towards me.)

I think any Dom who cannot read a sub, even one they have never worked with has no business in the room and needs to go back and study a bit of pre-med.

I have developed a few rules like when two subs are picking on one, you need to get that other girl her own girlfriend.

When two subs are fighting, you need to get far enough away that they cannot come to YOU to SETTLE the argument.

Whatever brilliant insights you have into what they are say, should be written down in your Turds of Wizz Dom notebook and put back in the safe. Leave the house, because the temptation to flash your brilliant ego insight is just like putting your testicles in a blender and saying, watch this.

Sometimes the dice just fall where they may and you cannot just do everything right and make a perfect out come. Life is messy, emotions are messy. Oh and buck up and cope. Yeah.. So true..

Not "sometimes", the second you think you've got it and Know the Right thing to do, the perfect outcome, the universe will give you a hot lead enema, nay High Colonic. (This metaphor is directed to the regular, not you sissy boys would are now drooling and saying "oh bitchy domme high colonic, will that come with a butt plug?")

I think life is fairly elegant. It is always delivering the perfect lesson and reward.

I just too often arrogantly think a I am in the wrong classroom. Worst is when my totally superior brain, which is truly a marvel and incredible problem solver (your problems not mine btw), ignores my quiet, insightful intuitive voice. Dumps that simple bit of advice and works out the Perfect Solution complete with Logic, and well thought out reasoning.

"Would you like me to Supersize that hot lead enema sir? And for only One more stupid fucking word out of your mouth, we would be happy to make that super spicy, does volcanic lava interest you?"

When you don't get the lesson, life makes you go to summer school.

Ofcourse there is so much more to this story that has nothing to do with said kinky vacation sub lover boy.

Wait a minute! He is sub? Do I need to tuck my testicles and go into "watch out, giving advice to bitchy cunt" mode?

That was how my apology went actually. I am sorry I was such a bitch to you it really had nothing to do with you. I was holding the rest of my life together just fine. Until the dam broke and I got pissed and for reasons only a judge could say, "get her in a nut house."

Yeah, well your apology sounds a bit canned, like one of those "we got your email..." "We take our customer support seriously" which I think if they actually vocalized it would have to be in Total Valley Girl voce and I have no idea how to write that in Caps and small case with bold and italics mixed in for great effect, but I'll bet there is some cool girl in Japan who could do the emotocon

Boy can't those garbage can lids fly, when you get a really good seal "holding my life together just fine".

"Isn't this I got it together? I mean I'm like advanced, you know. Totally advanced."

"No dear, this is You Haven't got a fucking clue. The class you Think your supposed to be in is over in the Head Up Your Ass Quad. Can I lend you a foot in your ass to get in headed in the right direction?"


I took it out on him.
It wasn't just normal stress, it was major upheaval kinda things that came like a tsunami every day, and actually now that I am back after two weeks in Hawaii with my kid and Hub, again they start..

Being really smart sort of 142 and 171 these are Weschler and Stanford Binet. And a bunch of other shit I will not go into here, I am likely one of the smartest complete fuckups on the planet.

Many years ago I was in a seminar trying to deal with my "failure" I mean I was broke (am once again now btw) having walked away from a multimillion dollar company I started and blown the bag of cash I walked out the door with up down, but I mean I can do crash and burn better than Hollywood-Bollywood (who will give you a song and dance right after the axe murderer slaughtered a family graphically in the opening scene, but I digress.).

Well this is a seminar on Success (I want) and Failure (which I am trying to stop doing) and I am right there looking at my failures which are huge and numerous and I am feeling hopeless and helpless convinced without a doubt I can NEVER be a Success and this quiet little part of my totally bummed out mind goes

"You are completely successful at failing."

You know where do you keep paradox? I mean on the mantle is just so overpowering and it clashes with my cool swave and deboner "aren't I the shit" which like comes off more turd, but looked so good in that dressing room mirror personna (talk about your run on metaphor!)

So these stresses, do any of them start with..."I gotta handle..." .??

I had a secretary years ago, so fucking dumb she could make a blonde look like Einstein. So I gave her project and even an office right next to mine. I knew exactly what we needed, what the end "product" was going to look like.

She would come into my office to ask about something to do with it and I would have a brilliant answer, I am a master designer-problem solver and each time I would say, " gee I don't know, you go figure it out." (Remember I need crash and burn sorry we have to fire you end result)

Well long story short, she comes back with this completed program that so fucking blows my "perfect product" off the map, I was forced to make her my office manager. Do I put it in my fail or success pile? I mean even sorting paradoxes must less arranging them artfully around the space to distract everyone from what a total fraud I am is daunting. I do so need an interior decorator.

Ask for help?

People would know I got my swave at Walmart. Shit the only Tiffany I know has silicone tits which make my Gurnsey envious and only knows how to say, "oh wow that's so totally awesome." To everything.

So you got your shit together, now what are you going to do with it?

It is a big time for my life and I have no business trying to have another boyfriend for the moment..

Yes dear. That lesson you Think you are supposed to have is in the Head so
Far up your Ass you need a glass belly button classroom. Would you like to borrow one of my aggees from my marble bag?

I am guessing that is what your smartypants daughter would say anyways..:D

Eat both of our lunches, before we had our napkins in our laps.
 
??? ... :confused: ... what the.

Re: thyme ... is for the money honey when you don't have the time.

[/digression]
 
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme

??? ... :confused: ... what the.

Re: thyme ... is for the money honey when you don't have the time.

[/digression]

So "sage advice"
Corny joke
 
Got it

Well DickDomin you really are living up to your name with these posts. I will see if I can get it into my dumb ass head to remember not to ever respond to a post of yours again. Some of us less intelligent people just need someone as smart as you to remind us that some people's advise is just useless.
 
I send you big hugs, Seasiren. :)
 
Disclaimer cumming shortly

Well DickDomin you really are living up to your name with these posts. I will see if I can get it into my dumb ass head to remember not to ever respond to a post of yours again. Some of us less intelligent people just need someone as smart as you to remind us that some people's advise is just useless.

I do not know what I wrote to trigger this clearly hostile response, but I have been meaning to write a disclaimer for my posts

Certified bullshit from a certified asshole
This is grade A manure and should not be taken as food for thought
Sprinkle this on your garden, plant seeds in it and grow your own food
Then think about it

To find what I had written, I would have to go back and load an earlier page. Internet is so slow here that I suspect 3G is a class of racing snail.

I did click, watched my own snails in five race before my browser said this page cannot load because the server stopped responding, which I suspect YOU hade a hand in writing.
 
Mod note:

If a post requires a disclaimer about manure then you need to re-think and re-write it. Telling us you are aware that it wasn't acceptable when you posted it doesn't magically make it acceptable in hindsight.
 
Read my posts carefully please

Mod note:

If a post requires a disclaimer about manure then you need to re-think and re-write it. Telling us you are aware that it wasn't acceptable when you posted it doesn't magically make it acceptable in hindsight.

I do my very best to give good, clear and compassionate advice.

I do this in a humorous style. While I know I should be placing all sorts of smileys and other emotocons while doing this, I always assume the people reading actually know how to read and I have not mastered Braille on the internet.

That you took my disclaimer at face value has caused me to see in hindsight,which has caused whiplash having to constantly look back over my shoulder, to think humorous style of teaching has confused some.

I find out of great confusion loaded with paradox, comes great insight and occasionally even enlightenment. But we all have our own individual styles in how to turns the lights on.

What is and isn't acceptable, I do my best to judge with my own limited capacity. I mistook the idea of a forum for polyamory to be outside the fundamentalist, Right wing Christian network and therefore mistakenly assumed acting like an anal retentive was not required on my part.

You might google sardonic and see if you can get a better handle on my teaching style.

I would like your advice on how to adjust my thinking and behavior, while still retaining my right to be who I am. I realize now in hindsight this does not mean having individual expression or thinking for myself. I am completely responsible for this.

Have you read Be Here Now? Do you know anything about Ram Dass, his teachers and style of teaching?

I am sure Jesus (well outside of Baby Jesus ) and Buddha never laughed, but in their defense, they didn't have youtube.

I hope I have not muddled the waters.

I await your elucidation.
 
My sincere apology

Well DickDomin you really are living up to your name with these posts. I will see if I can get it into my dumb ass head to remember not to ever respond to a post of yours again. Some of us less intelligent people just need someone as smart as you to remind us that some people's advise is just useless.

A moderator has removed one of my testicles. I expect to be beheaded at Dawn.

I have had too many relationships where I thought we were on the same page. When I looked over and noticed I was on the right page number, I also discovered we were reading different books.

I get easily depressed and very down on myself. I am a one trick pony, I have only found noticing how foolish I am and laughing while forgiving myself, while not dispersing the doom and gloom, at least gives me an umbrella to hide under during the worst of the downpour.

I feel sad that my delivery was such a failure.

But in some other thread or perhaps even this one because honestly I am so lost in the Be Here Now I rarely know where I am, I mentioned my mind noticed I am completely successful at failure.

It has, it seems in this case, shown me that in Spades. Unfortunately, I bid a heart.

I will not ask you to forgive me, when I cannot do it myself.

Let me go. The tears on my iPad are scaring me.

Bon chance.
 
I have oft been known to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Once in awhile I'll take a gamble that my warped sense of humor will be shared and enjoyed, but it's a gamble I take with fear and trembling. It seems to work in some cases, but this thread isn't one of those cases.

Seasiren's original concern has been addressed, so I respectfully suggest we say no more here. If Seasiren has new questions later, she can ask (in this thread or in a new thread).

Respects/regards to all,
Kevin T.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top