How to start the conversation?

Dodge

New member
Hello Folks,
So I would like to talk to my husband, who is very monogamous, about testing the waters of a poly- style relationship. We have talked about and discussed three-somes before so he may be a bit more open minded than I think.
What I would like, is an extra-marital relationship which didn't involve sex. Hand holding, sharing secrets, some kissing, fun activities and general intimacy, but I can't imagine having sex outside of our marriage at this point.
For a bit of back ground info, my husband and I are VERY different people...
Me
Enjoys walking our dog/ biking/ kayaking
Am vegan
Environmentally minded
Mild Extrovert
Enjoys adventure and trying new things
Enjoys traveling

My Husband
Likes to play video games
Lives on Bread, meat, and cheese
Doesn't really care about being "eco-friendly"
Intense Introvert
Get very anxious about trying new things
Enjoys Staying home

So as you can see, our basic interests do not overlap at all. We started dating when I was 15, and we have both changed a lot. This is part of the reason I am interested in a poly relationship. A poly relationship (I envision) would also give me a greater sense of fulfillment and satisfaction. I like variety. :)

Which bring me to my question.....how would you personally go about starting the discussion?
Sincerely,
Dodge :rolleyes:
 
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Wow... I think your husband must be Hubby's clone!

If you aren't looking for a sexual relationship at this point, but just for an emotional connection with someone whose interests, wants, and needs dovetail more neatly with yours, you might find it easier to explain to your husband, and to bring up initially.

I'm sure your husband is aware of the differences in your personalities and needs. So you might start with something like, "I know you don't like exploring or going to new places, and that's something I really enjoy doing. I love you, and I like spending time with you, but the things you enjoy doing are more solitary, and sometimes I feel lonely. I know I could travel or try new things alone, but it's a lot more fun with someone else, so I wanted to talk to you about me finding another person to share my interests with."

I would advise making it clear to him that, while you are looking for someone to share a romantic connection with and not merely friendship, you don't want to have sex with the other person, and you have no desire to end the marriage. Tell him you love him and that the marriage is important to you; you just want to try a new way to have your social needs met without him having to go too far outside his comfort zone.

And then be open to truly *hearing* what he says. Be open to negotiating agreements that will make him comfortable with the situation, and that will help keep the marriage intact. Also, though, be open to him saying he isn't okay with the idea, or that he needs to think more about it and you'll have to wait until he's had time to consider the idea.
 
Could ask if he's up for talking about it and set a date with no interruptions to do that in. What makes it hard to do that? Are you not in the habit of communicating openly and up front? (How would this habit impact you in a different relationship?)

What would you like to cover in this one? A basic temperature check -- open to more talk or just not up for it? (It likely won't be one conversation but a series of conversations if he is up for it. If he isn't,he just is not up for it and you accept it. He might give details on why, or not. That's up to him.)

Other than hand holding and kissing, how does this hypothetical "boyfriend" differ from "friend" to you? And how does "husband" differ from "friend" to you? He is one person, he cannot give you "variety." But are you "fulfilled and satisfied" with your husband relationship?

Polyshipping tends to magnify all the cracks -- so best to start with a solid foundation. How solid is your established relationship? Can it weather a change like you starting to date ok at this time? What else is going on in your life right now? (ex: moving houses) Would waiting to date a bit be better? (ex: once past moving crazy)

Those are some things to consider and talk about.

GL!

Galagirl
 
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Conversation started :)

So we started discussing things. As far as our communication style, its sort of dance around and hint at the suggest things until we finally get to our point. We are much better about talking about our feelings than we used to be. We have only been married for two years now. We have a very solid relationship; we have been through a lot together (both with dysfunctional families, and he was in the Marine Corps for four year while we were engaged).
Anyway, we ended up on the conversation of a casual three-some. He made the statement that if I could "find a friend who is a 10 out of 10" he would show up naked and go along with it. Which is not exactly where I want to get to, but I will just be patient. Lol, I did bring up to him though that he didn't specify which gender of friend.
 
For a bit of back ground info, my husband and I are VERY different people...
Me
Enjoys walking our dog/ biking/ kayaking
Am vegan
Environmentally minded
Mild Extrovert
Enjoys adventure and trying new things
Enjoys traveling

My Husband
Likes to play video games
Lives on Bread, meat, and cheese
Doesn't really care about being "eco-friendly"
Intense Introvert
Get very anxious about trying new things
Enjoys Staying home

]

Haha are you me and married to my ex husband? :p
 
So we started discussing things. As far as our communication style, its sort of dance around and hint at the suggest things until we finally get to our point . . .

Anyway, we ended up on the conversation of a casual three-some. He made the statement that if I could "find a friend who is a 10 out of 10" he would show up naked and go along with it. Which is not exactly where I want to get to . . .
A threesome is quite far off from your desire is for a non-sexual relationship outside of your marriage. Can you see how "dancing around the issue" is not productive at all? Unless you are brave enough to speak your truth, you will be disappointed and not likely to head in any direction you would like to go. Stop the pussyfooting around and tell it like it is. Doesn't your husband deserve at least that much?
 
Men are not mind readers be direct and to the point. Do not bring up scenarios that do not reflect what you want. And do not bargain... ie I will give you a threesome in hopes of being allowed to possibly do x.

He was in the Marines for goodness sake. He has faced confrontation before. He will live.
 
A bit harsh

Thank you for the words of advice, though a bit harsh. I know the point you guys are making, and I fully understand the spotty communication flaw in our relationship. We are still pretty new at blunt straight forward communication style, but we are practicing. Progress, not perfection.
 
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