wanting to counsel/help his other relationship

JennySpain

New member
Can I get some thoughts or advice?

My husband and I just started cracking open the door to other relationships a couple of months ago. He was clearly very attracted to another woman and after a lot of soul searching I realized that my comfort with that attraction-- in context of our still stable, loving, sexually satisfying marriage-- might also apply to a comfort with a relationship.

I brought it up and he was very shocked but after a good discussion was relieved of a lot of guilt and we decided to give it a go.

However, things are not progressing smoothly with the two of them and it's starting to get to me!

The woman he's interested in is also his direct report, so he is proceeding with great caution. They were already friends and got drinks and so on after work, and I assumed there was attraction from her as well since she at least once went out of her way to spend time with him. However since "our conversation" as we now refer to it, she's started backing off. She declines or cancels pretty much all plans, and it just looks like it's not going to get off the ground.

The trouble for me is how much this is causing him angst. He's dying to clear the air and just ask straight out if he's got a chance, but is afraid of causing trouble in the office. He mopes when she cancels plans. He's generally acting like a teen girl, actually. I usually end up cheering him up and talking him through it.

The point of this all was to make him happy, but he's not really happy, I don't think.

I keep fantasizing about just contacting her and clearing the air on his behalf since he's so afraid. I imagine ways I might convince her to just shag him already! But I would also be happy if she just rejected him outright and he could let it go.

I know we're not precisely poly, but honestly I need somewhere to go to chat through these things! I tried talking to my best friend about it, and she was really very judgy and awful and said terrible things about my husband, so I'm not revisiting that by opening up to anyone else I know.

Should I talk to this woman? We're not friends, but we'd had a few beers together prior to "the conversation." Is there a way to fix this? Or am I just to bear my husband's mopiness until he gets over her?

BTW, the marriage is still stable, loving, and sexually satisfying. It's just punctuated with his canceled dates and subsequent angst.
 
I keep fantasizing about just contacting her and clearing the air on his behalf since he's so afraid.

Helicopter wife?

No, you shouldn't talk to her. He's a grown man. If he can't even discuss the possibility with her, how's he going to discuss anything more serious down the road?

We live in a mono-normative society. Most women assume that if a man is married and he's hitting on you, he's probably trying to cheat on his wife.

Also, she's his boss. That puts her in a really awkward position. Are they even allowed to have workplace relationships?

Could be she assumed that since he's married, it would be "safe" to have a flirtatious friendship with him, and it would stop there. Now that he's pushing things further, she's wigged out. Maybe she's not interested in more.
 
The woman he's interested in is also his direct report, so he is proceeding with great caution. They were already friends and got drinks and so on after work, and I assumed there was attraction from her as well since she at least once went out of her way to spend time with him. However since "our conversation" as we now refer to it, she's started backing off. She declines or cancels pretty much all plans, and it just looks like it's not going to get off the ground.

Perhaps before, since he was in a relationship, he was "safe" to hang out with. Now that he's available and has communicated that, the whole supervisor/direct report power dynamic comes into play, and she may (rightly) be backing away from that.

I would warn strongly against nudging her toward your husband. With a supervisor/direct report dynamic, ANY type of pressure could really be considered unethical. Best to let it drop, as she is trying to do.
 
The woman he's interested in is also his direct report

To me that would automatically put her on my "messy people" list. We all have one -- whether acknowledged out loud or not. For instance, I wouldn't want my spouse dating my sister or mother or my boss. I think it is best to back off and let it be.

From her view, it's the boss hitting on worker thing. Which is difficult. I don't blame her for distancing.

Let him be disappointed/upset and let him work through the process of digesting that.

Don't be getting into it by talking to the woman. She doesn't "owe" him anything.

I know it's hard to see your partner sad/upset, but focus on what is appropriate for you to be doing. You CAN be supportive and listen to whatever he wants to share/say. You can do many comforting things.

Not everything turns out like one hopes, and learning to handle disappointment is part of life. Do not cheat him of this lesson. If you both continue to poly date, accept that part of the "price of admission" is that not every person you try to date will feel the same about you, be a long haul thing, etc. It's going to be a mixed bag.

Galagirl
 
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Of course

I do see it's not likely to happen for him. The hard part is his disappointment.

Do you all think that, in your experience, continuing with the idea of opening up to other people makes sense? Given that we started due to his interest in one particular person? Just curious if anyone else started out this way.

I don't know if he'd want that, or even if I would for sure. But I'd like to keep this new, fearless communication going.
 
No.
After he has addressed the topic with a potential, is a reasonable time to be introduced and express your acceptance of him seeing other people.
Before he addresses dating is not an appropriate time for you to step in.
 
I keep fantasizing about just contacting her and clearing the air on his behalf since he's so afraid... Is there a way to fix this? Or am I just to bear my husband's mopiness until he gets over her?

Has he asked you to act on his behalf? If he hasn't then I would say you should absolutely NOT under any circumstances get involved in his relationship. He's not a little kid and he doesn't need a self appointed body guard. I get that your heart is in the right place but I personally would be really offended if someone did that on my behalf without my explicitly asking them to.

As far as dealing with his acting "like a teenage girl", it's up to you how much of his emotional state you take on. Each person in a relationship gets to decide what they are willing to deal with and when they need to say "I'm not really interested in hearing the depressing details of your other relationship" when the time comes.
 
Leave her alone. I also recommend looking at the ways in which you want to steer (and control) his life, relationships, choices, etc. Would you want to be as intrusive with a platonic friend of his? You manage your relationships and let him manage his. That's how grown-ups do it.
 
I don't know if he'd want that, or even if I would for sure. But I'd like to keep this new, fearless communication going.

You can maintain the new fearless communication without dating other people. It's the COMMUNICATING that makes it communication. Not the dating.

As for whether or not to close up again or stay open -- take it one thing at a time here.

Galagirl
 
Well, he has sort of "jokingly" asked if there was a way I could steer her in his direction, in guy ways such as telling her he's a great lover. Which I'd be happy to do if there were any graceful way. But really, there is not.

Did I mention I also work with both of them? (Same company, different building.) Messy, indeed.

Also Gala, wanted to thank you for the link. It's suggestions are for a bit more of a crisis than we've got, but the one on food made me smile because it's very me. "Oh, no, she cancelled again? Let's get take out." :)

I realize reading through that I think I'm reaching out mostly because I feel rather at sea. With distance the elements look clear, but his obsession (bit of a strong word for it) is becoming mine.
 
Well, it's just idea points for how to comfort -- YMMV.


I realize reading through that I think I'm reaching out mostly because I feel rather at sea. With distance the elements look clear, but his obsession (bit of a strong word for it) is becoming mine.

That's opportunity for you to learn about detachment. A crisis or upset on his part doesn't make it one on yours. You can be loving, comforting, etc without it becoming YOUR issue.

What kind of support do YOU need to hang in there? Are you good at setting and keeping healthy boundaries?

Well, he has sort of "jokingly" asked if there was a way I could steer her in his direction, in guy ways such as telling her he's a great lover.

Bargaining. It's one of the stages. Though not a break up since they never dated, reading the stages might give you both an idea of what he's going through when so you can know that even if it still feels UGH, it is progressing and eventually will shoo.

It is not your job to "manage his other relationship" or the more subtle "manage his feelings for him" and make the world so he never feels yucky. I say that kindly.:eek:

I know he is hurting right now. Hurting people sometimes say goofy.

But if he gets this upset ("obession") over him trying to date a coworker that was "messy person" in the first place and he could not see that might be a problem? I think he could work on strengthening some intrapersonal and interpersonal skills before attempting polydating again. If he can't forsee emotional / social potential pitfalls ahead of time he's gonna be tripping a lot. That's a harder way to learn. :(

If you guys want to to this I hope it is successful for you two and not so "school of hard knocks." YKWIM?

Some bumps are to be expected but dating your boss/worker thing -- that's not a bump -- that's a huge obstacle and messy. Maybe you guys want to actually sit down to write out your "messy people" list?

Hang in there,
Galagirl
 
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