Freenotfree
New member
I’ve always recognized and honored the capacity within myself to care deeply for more than one person at a time, and while I have a tendency to behave primarily in a monogamous way with my partners, I have always been clear from the beginning of any relationship that I believe strongly in personal freedom and do not agree with placing boundaries, restrictions and obligations upon one another.
I was very clear about this with my current partner, who has never been in a relationship without boundaries. We’ve talked from time to time and she has always expressed that while she feels she can respect my freedom as an individual, she still finds it difficult to cope with the idea of my being intimate with another person. Most of her past relationships were very toxic and there was often a lot of cheating going on from both sides.
She and I, however, have always maintained open communication, keeping no secrets from one another. Our relationship feels very strong and intimate. We sometimes have misunderstandings, but are able to resolve them easily without allowing them to escalate. I would say that, all in all, we have a really amazing loving relationship.
About a year and a half into our relationship she found herself developing strong feelings for another man. She divulged all of her feelings to me, and I listened without judgment. She began spending more and more time with him, eventually becoming physically intimate. I remained understanding and supportive the entire time, even offering solace when it didn’t work out in the end. Turns out he was too uncomfortable with the fact that she was already involved with someone (me).
It has been about a month since then, and I now find myself in a situation where I have met someone else who I am beginning to take an interest in. I have only recently met this other woman, and it’s far too early to tell whether our connection is merely platonic or whether it might develop into something romantic. I do find her attractive and I’m open to the possibility of a romantic encounter, but I have no intention of replacing my current partner. I also have no intention of rushing into anything. I have been taking my time to really get to know this other woman, and have been holding off meeting her in person.
Now, I have been upfront with my current partner, telling her everything about this other woman from the very moment I met her. And she has been very good at allowing me the space to talk about it. However, she feels very threatened, as this situation has begun triggering her fears and insecurities. I have done all I can do to assure her that the connection we have is so strong and intimate that no one (other than herself) could ever cause that to diminish. And I have been clear that I don’t wish to replace her, and have no intention of ever leaving her. Nonetheless, her fearful emotions are so overwhelming that she cannot cope with even the possibility that I might become intimate with this other woman.
She has expressed that she does not want me to explore my connection with this other woman. And she has been trying to convince me to compromise my freedom, which makes me feel very uncomfortable. I find that the more she tries to restrict me, the more I feel the desire to express my freedom. I think what bothers me most of all, however, is that she felt free to explore her interest in another man, and now she is trying to inhibit my freedom from doing very much the same thing.
She talks about how the situation triggers past experiences which make her fearful and uncomfortable. And I have expressed how the situation triggers past experiences and feelings of discomfort for me as well. You see, I once compromised my freedom to be in a relationship with someone who insisted we be monogamous. Initially I had expressed that I wasn’t comfortable with that, but I was given the ultimatum of monogamy or nothing at all. I was so infatuated with that woman at the time that I agreed to be monogamous, even though it was against my better judgement. And during the many years we were together I remained exclusive with her. In that time I never met another woman who I felt a strong enough connection with to really want to explore it, but I did often feel trapped and suffocated by my partner’s possessiveness. This caused a great deal of resentment for which the relationship suffered. But what really bothered me was when I found out later on that she had cheated on me. It wasn’t the fact that she had been intimate with another man. It was the fact that she had pressed so hard for me to remain exclusive with her, and that she hadn’t remained exclusive with me. And worse, she had kept it a secret.
So, this is not the first time I have been on the losing end of this kind of double standard. My current partner feels secure enough in our relationship to be intimate with another man, but too insecure about herself to respect my freedom to do the same. I love her so deeply that I don’t want to simply give up on the relationship. In addition, I don’t want to do anything to further upset her. And thirdly, I don’t want to feel restricted, having to compromise my own freedom as an individual. But I don’t see how I can easily resolve all three of these issues. Any advice on this matter is greatly appreciated.
I was very clear about this with my current partner, who has never been in a relationship without boundaries. We’ve talked from time to time and she has always expressed that while she feels she can respect my freedom as an individual, she still finds it difficult to cope with the idea of my being intimate with another person. Most of her past relationships were very toxic and there was often a lot of cheating going on from both sides.
She and I, however, have always maintained open communication, keeping no secrets from one another. Our relationship feels very strong and intimate. We sometimes have misunderstandings, but are able to resolve them easily without allowing them to escalate. I would say that, all in all, we have a really amazing loving relationship.
About a year and a half into our relationship she found herself developing strong feelings for another man. She divulged all of her feelings to me, and I listened without judgment. She began spending more and more time with him, eventually becoming physically intimate. I remained understanding and supportive the entire time, even offering solace when it didn’t work out in the end. Turns out he was too uncomfortable with the fact that she was already involved with someone (me).
It has been about a month since then, and I now find myself in a situation where I have met someone else who I am beginning to take an interest in. I have only recently met this other woman, and it’s far too early to tell whether our connection is merely platonic or whether it might develop into something romantic. I do find her attractive and I’m open to the possibility of a romantic encounter, but I have no intention of replacing my current partner. I also have no intention of rushing into anything. I have been taking my time to really get to know this other woman, and have been holding off meeting her in person.
Now, I have been upfront with my current partner, telling her everything about this other woman from the very moment I met her. And she has been very good at allowing me the space to talk about it. However, she feels very threatened, as this situation has begun triggering her fears and insecurities. I have done all I can do to assure her that the connection we have is so strong and intimate that no one (other than herself) could ever cause that to diminish. And I have been clear that I don’t wish to replace her, and have no intention of ever leaving her. Nonetheless, her fearful emotions are so overwhelming that she cannot cope with even the possibility that I might become intimate with this other woman.
She has expressed that she does not want me to explore my connection with this other woman. And she has been trying to convince me to compromise my freedom, which makes me feel very uncomfortable. I find that the more she tries to restrict me, the more I feel the desire to express my freedom. I think what bothers me most of all, however, is that she felt free to explore her interest in another man, and now she is trying to inhibit my freedom from doing very much the same thing.
She talks about how the situation triggers past experiences which make her fearful and uncomfortable. And I have expressed how the situation triggers past experiences and feelings of discomfort for me as well. You see, I once compromised my freedom to be in a relationship with someone who insisted we be monogamous. Initially I had expressed that I wasn’t comfortable with that, but I was given the ultimatum of monogamy or nothing at all. I was so infatuated with that woman at the time that I agreed to be monogamous, even though it was against my better judgement. And during the many years we were together I remained exclusive with her. In that time I never met another woman who I felt a strong enough connection with to really want to explore it, but I did often feel trapped and suffocated by my partner’s possessiveness. This caused a great deal of resentment for which the relationship suffered. But what really bothered me was when I found out later on that she had cheated on me. It wasn’t the fact that she had been intimate with another man. It was the fact that she had pressed so hard for me to remain exclusive with her, and that she hadn’t remained exclusive with me. And worse, she had kept it a secret.
So, this is not the first time I have been on the losing end of this kind of double standard. My current partner feels secure enough in our relationship to be intimate with another man, but too insecure about herself to respect my freedom to do the same. I love her so deeply that I don’t want to simply give up on the relationship. In addition, I don’t want to do anything to further upset her. And thirdly, I don’t want to feel restricted, having to compromise my own freedom as an individual. But I don’t see how I can easily resolve all three of these issues. Any advice on this matter is greatly appreciated.