I agree with couples being clear about their boundaries. They can open about their attractions is better. That's just noticing beauty in the world. Or they can agree to enjoy it privately and not say anything to the partner. Behavior expectations are clear either way.
People in a Closed thing going to tell a third person they have a crush on them? That's the line to me. She said she would keep a Closed agreement. She did not. To me that behavior is a problem. Telling people you have a crush on them is the smallest of "Open" things, but you guys are not actually Open. What's confusing about that for her? Could she be willing to clarify?
She sounds like she doesn't get it, or maybe
does get it and is pretending she does not in order to avoid personal accountability for her behaviors.
You could try to sort that out. Maybe in counseling together? Hopefully she just needs help seeing your point of view.
You said you were upset. Is that not enough information to accept that you ARE upset?
If you say you are upset, she doesn't have to understand why to accept you are upset. YKWIM? She is either willing to modify her behavior or not.
But if you do want that understanding... Maybe this below helps you explain it to the counselor and get their take on it before you talk to wife. Or they can give you a better example to use than me. That example with the kids wasn't quite it.
You seem to be trying to get clear on your feelings and how to express them to wife. Practice with counselor. Then ask wife if she's willing to listen for understanding. If she is willing? Tell her the example and ask if she can see better now how you would be upset. See if that new understanding helps you guys get over the hump.
If I were to fill in the gaps to make complete sentences? It sounds like this to me on the crush.
If this were a bank rather than a crush look how it sounds:
Is she able to see more clearly why you'd be upset with that example?
I guess for me it's not having a crush. That's normal. People feel whatever they feel as it bubbles up. It's how she handled it that is bothersome. People can choose how they behave. First she crossed a line. Next she seems to be trying explain her behavior away. That's minimizing it, not owning it.
Why is seeing you "freaking out" a "risk" for her? You seem pretty calm and reasonable even in your upset. It's hardly "freaking out." You are seeking a counselor. That's commendable -- you are approaching solving it in a healthy way.
I hope so. Hang in there till appointment time!
Galagirl