Casual Sex - Discussion

Yet one more guy IDing as polyamorous while only being interested in kink play and (limited) sexual expression.

Everyone has to start somewhere. He may very well be poly but he and his wife are still working out the boundaries of what is going to work for them. Good for you in standing up for yourself and saying what works for them at the moment isn't going to work for you.

(sorry to hijack RP)
 
Yeah, Derby, I guess my point was in regards to RP saying sex is never casual for her. Here is this couple attempting to keep sex casual, while going from play parties only, to attempted one on one "sex" (kink play and limited sexual contact) with partners.

I met a swinger a few wks ago who said she tries not to kiss her partners, as that is what makes her care about them. And she is honest in that, she doesnt want to care, she wants to be independent and still get sex.
 
Blah! I don't know how you do it Mags... I find it all exhausting. There are very few people that that kind of arrangement would be worth it.

Still, as Derby said, its a start for some people. The thing is, when you are not only "started" but well in it... its just not worth the effort.

Ya, why don't they just say it like it is... "my wife won't fuck my ass, will you? Will you love it for what it is please as I don't need attachment, because my wife would complain" Oh ya, that is appealing ;):D HA!

No worries on the hijack sweets. :)
 
How do you get off on someone you do not know? I guess because sex is so in my head and not just a physical response like Pavlov's dog that I just can't register good sex= to random/casual. But apparently there is a segment of our pop (2Rings included) who can fully enjoy random sex like swinging and say its ok because it doesn't mean anything. UGH!


Hehe, you haven't met my studly boytoy... Sex with him was fantastic from our very first date/makeout session. Something about the way our drives and preferences just match up so easily and well... of course, he's a nice guy and I also liked him a lot as a person from our first chats online.

I am Pavlov's Cat. If he looks good, smells good, can carry on a good conversation, makes me laugh, looks me deeply in the eyes, kisses me well, touches my thigh... I'm in!
 
What I have noticed here is that thoses that truely enjoy the casual sex (aside from the typical young 20 something), have spent the last 20-30 years in a fairly traditional marriages, are now single and have no kids living at home. It got me thinking, I definitely couldn't do casual while I'm still the caretaker to my kids and very likely never as long as I'm still married. However, if I found myself without a husband and kids were off and grown, I have no doubt, that casual sex would be doable, at least for a while. To me, it seems that it all about time and place. Does that make any sense?
 
Hehe, you haven't met my studly boytoy... Sex with him was fantastic from our very first date/makeout session. Something about the way our drives and preferences just match up so easily and well... of course, he's a nice guy and I also liked him a lot as a person from our first chats online.

I am Pavlov's Cat. If he looks good, smells good, can carry on a good conversation, makes me laugh, looks me deeply in the eyes, kisses me well, touches my thigh... I'm in!

Hahahahahaha! I guess by casual I mean random, anonymous hook ups, not people you know well enough to know they can carry on a good conversation. Do you know that quickly or over some time or is a boytoy a one-night stand for you? Curiosity here.

What I have noticed here is that thoses that truely enjoy the casual sex (aside from the typical young 20 something), have spent the last 20-30 years in a fairly traditional marriages, are now single and have no kids living at home. It got me thinking, I definitely couldn't do casual while I'm still the caretaker to my kids and very likely never as long as I'm still married. However, if I found myself without a husband and kids were off and grown, I have no doubt, that casual sex would be doable, at least for a while. To me, it seems that it all about time and place. Does that make any sense?

YEP!:p
 
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Hahahahahaha! I guess by casual I mean random, anonymous hook ups, not people you know well enough to know they can carry on a good conversation. Do you know that quickly or over some time or is a boytoy a one-night stand for you? Curiosity here.

Well, I've been seeing D for 2 years this month, so no, it's not a one night stand. But it is NSA, and we don't go out on dates, cook together, or watch movies. When he comes over (once a month or so) we just have sex immediately, then talk and cuddle, have sex again and more talk and then it's usually over in a couple hours. He's mentioned wanting to spend the night but has never even done that til the last time, at my gf's, he finally had time to do so.
 
Lots of casual sex seems inconsistent with having a committed relationship with you. I'm not sure why, but it doesn't compute for me.
 
Hahahahahaha! I guess by casual I mean random, anonymous hook ups, not people you know well enough to know they can carry on a good conversation.

For me, I don't think of casual sex as being the same as anonymous sex. I think of it as on a "higher" level than that, in terms of being sex with someone I like, have good conversations, a sense of humor, some kind of connection, even if it is just the physical attraction or something rather "minor." But anonymous sex? Anon = totally unknown. What the hell is that, anyway? Is it like when I was 19 and going to discos and then out to the parking lot to get high and have sex in someone's car, and then go back inside to dance some more? Oh, gosh, the late '70s are very far away, I couldn't do that anymore. Is that what swing clubs are like, I wonder? But casual -- I can do casual, which I see as maybe a friendly flirtation that becomes something more, and you might see the person and hook up occasionally, without really knowing much about your lives, but that there's a mutual admiration or understanding between you. Maybe it's a coworker, someone on the periphery of your life, or whatever. A Friend with Benefits or a Fuck Buddy (are they the same thing?) is also casual sex to me. Now, would a "one-night-stand" be anonymous or casual in my view? Well, it depends on how well you connect. Sometimes the heart just reaches out and touches another unexpectedly, and it's a beautiful, casual, healing one-nighter.

I'm all for casual sex if the people involved have their heads screwed on right. I enjoy it, but I know it's not for everyone. I've said here before that I see sex as a form of communication, so you have to be clear in your intent, I think. For example, drunk sex (I mean sloppy drunk) with a stranger could be goofy fun but most likely hollow and unsatisfying because when you're that impaired, you're not really in touch with what is being communicated between you.


I do make a distinction between casual sex and casual relationships. So, where casual sex is above anonymous sex in my world view, casual relationships are another step higher. So, when I talk about my relationship with Shorty being casual, it isn't the same as just having casual sex with someone, at least to me. It is definitely more than that. To me, the sex we have is not casual. He has very patiently, deliberately, and lovingly opened me up to possibilities and new (for me) ways of being pleasured. It isn't just physical; it is giving and kind. We have a great deal of caring between us, and affection, and we talk about deeper feelings, and I know that if I were in a jam, I could call him. I think I could call him more often than I do, but I try to give him space. We are both free to see other people, and the relationship is what I call a casual relationship simply because he has an erratic, hectic schedule, and very little time in his life to see me, and so he cannot commit to anything on a regular, "serious" basis. He feels bad about this, so I know it is more than casual sex for him, too.
 
I *think* I only read through 20 or so pages of this over the last week ;)
At the beginning I was also baffled about casual sex and why somebody would enjoy it - the once I tried it on my previous go-round at poly, not only was it a bad experience, but he used lambskin condoms instead of latex which I realized in the morning, resulting in 3 months of condom use with my husband which was not a positive experience overall.
Now after a few dates with somebody, I am interested in sex, but not sure there is an emotional component that would lead anywhere. It makes me realize that the definitions are so individual based on what is going on in a person's life, and it makes it easier to see that - to each their own.
If I have sex with him in a couple more weeks, it will be casual, but a different casual than sleeping with somebody on the second date. I thought I felt safe the first time, but I can only *hope* this time includes clearer communication that leads to a positive experience which might leave me open to seeing if FWB - or even Acquaintance with benefits is something I could include in my life in the future. So thank you for all the diverse opinions!
 
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I do make a distinction between casual sex and casual relationships. So, where casual sex is above anonymous sex in my world view, casual relationships are another step higher. So, when I talk about my relationship with Shorty being casual, it isn't the same as just having casual sex with someone, at least to me. It is definitely more than that. To me, the sex we have is not casual. He has very patiently, deliberately, and lovingly opened me up to possibilities and new (for me) ways of being pleasured. It isn't just physical; it is giving and kind. We have a great deal of caring between us, and affection, and we talk about deeper feelings, and I know that if I were in a jam, I could call him. I think I could call him more often than I do, but I try to give him space. We are both free to see other people, and the relationship is what I call a casual relationship simply because he has an erratic, hectic schedule, and very little time in his life to see me, and so he cannot commit to anything on a regular, "serious" basis. He feels bad about this, so I know it is more than casual sex for him, too.

Good distinction, Cindie. I dont think of my D as a FWB or fuckbuddy. FWB implies friends first, with an occasional booty call. Fuckbuddy implies fuck and leave, no talking, except what is necessary during the act. Play partner also seems to imply little talking, just sex/kink stuff, often in a group setting.

I just think of D as my "sweetie" and leave it at that.
 
For me, I don't think of casual sex as being the same as anonymous sex. I think of it as on a "higher" level than that, in terms of being sex with someone I like, have good conversations, a sense of humor, some kind of connection, even if it is just the physical attraction or something rather "minor." But anonymous sex? Anon = totally unknown. What the hell is that, anyway? Is it like when I was 19 and going to discos and then out to the parking lot to get high and have sex in someone's car, and then go back inside to dance some more? Oh, gosh, the late '70s are very far away, I couldn't do that anymore. Is that what swing clubs are like, I wonder? But casual -- I can do casual, which I see as maybe a friendly flirtation that becomes something more, and you might see the person and hook up occasionally, without really knowing much about your lives, but that there's a mutual admiration or understanding between you. Maybe it's a coworker, someone on the periphery of your life, or whatever. A Friend with Benefits or a Fuck Buddy (are they the same thing?) is also casual sex to me. Now, would a "one-night-stand" be anonymous or casual in my view? Well, it depends on how well you connect. Sometimes the heart just reaches out and touches another unexpectedly, and it's a beautiful, casual, healing one-nighter.

I'm all for casual sex if the people involved have their heads screwed on right. I enjoy it, but I know it's not for everyone. I've said here before that I see sex as a form of communication, so you have to be clear in your intent, I think. For example, drunk sex (I mean sloppy drunk) with a stranger could be goofy fun but most likely hollow and unsatisfying because when you're that impaired, you're not really in touch with what is being communicated between you.

I do make a distinction between casual sex and casual relationships. So, where casual sex is above anonymous sex in my world view, casual relationships are another step higher. So, when I talk about my relationship with Shorty being casual, it isn't the same as just having casual sex with someone, at least to me. It is definitely more than that. To me, the sex we have is not casual. He has very patiently, deliberately, and lovingly opened me up to possibilities and new (for me) ways of being pleasured. It isn't just physical; it is giving and kind. We have a great deal of caring between us, and affection, and we talk about deeper feelings, and I know that if I were in a jam, I could call him. I think I could call him more often than I do, but I try to give him space. We are both free to see other people, and the relationship is what I call a casual relationship simply because he has an erratic, hectic schedule, and very little time in his life to see me, and so he cannot commit to anything on a regular, "serious" basis. He feels bad about this, so I know it is more than casual sex for him, too.
This was a joy to read NYCindie. It really was for me. It has taken me on a new path with this and I am grateful for that. Thank you.

Casual sex to me has always been what you seem to think of as anonymous sex. I very much like the distinction that you give here. I think that a lot changes as life goes on. Peoples understanding of the meaning of sex changes. I had sex with some guy from my highschool in a phone booth while everyone stood outside and watched one time. THANKS BE TO WHOMEVER AND WHATEVER WATCHES OVER US THAT YOUTUBE DID NOT EXSIST BACK THEN! :D That is just one story... that was anonymous sex, not casual. The trauma I have experienced from such acts fades with time and a hell of a lot of discussion. Some on here. To have a distinction between the sex I had like that incident and the ones where I had sex with people I know but wasn't dating is really helpful and I am finding that I am looking back and categorizing everything differently.

I need that! thank you! I suspect after I categorize I will be able to let it go and merge all the experiences together again as just my past. Ancient history. What I gain my wisdom from. Thanks for everyone's patience with this journey I have been on... it's not as intense, but I still am on it ;)
 
My desire for sex with a woman has always been an expression of relatively worshipful admiration. I am perhaps not a typical male in this regard. I believe the body is a temple and sex is sacred, even sex with a "stranger." I think the goddess energy in a woman's body is a sacred thing and worthy of being released, touched, loved, cultivated, worshiped. Honored. I experience sexual exchange as a great healing meeting. I have perhaps never had "casual sex" as a result of experiencing it this way. Yes it can be playful, light, less charged than at other times, but I have always experienced it as a true exchange on some level. There is great spiritual and emotional power in sex, even in a one night stand.

I love this! Yes, yes, yes - spiritual and emotional power, healing, worship, honoring, even in a one-night stand!!!
 
Casual Sex, Open Relationships and Polyamory.

I tend to think of open relationships as "intimate dating." You have commitment to one or more of the people you are dating and/or are sleeping with, but it isn't an agreed upon permanent life-long commitment. Still, you expect the relationship to continue and proceed as if it is going to.

I see friends with benefits as having little or no commitment any deeper than just being friends and sleeping together for fun. Sort of like playing tennis with a budy except both people win! lol I don't really think of this as an open relationship or as being poly, although some might.

For many, Polyamory seems to involve more of a long-term commitment with one or more partners, with the understanding there will be other sexual and/or emotional contacts outside the primary relationship. However, a general definition of Polyamory would seem to include "intimate dating" but not "friends with benefits." Polyamory can also involve a group marriage situation, which is probably the most advanced form.

What are your thoughts? What do you think of each category (casual sex, friends with benefits, intimate relationships, open relationships, open marriages, group marriages, etc.) and how does it relates to Polyamory? Am I trying to categorize things too much?:D Hell, I'm just trying to figure out what is going on! lol

Thanks & take care!

Snowdancer
 
I think this is one of those questions, that has constantly evolving answers. Never hurts to see certain questions come up again.

To me, a open relationship, is a umbrella term, for various things. Like saying you are 'non-monogamous' .You are OPEN to a variety of encounters, and relationships.

Friends with benefits - Well, I always believed in the *true* friends with benefits, not the booty-call version, where you only see each other to fuck.

I read this on another site :

' I myself cherish my Friends in ways society tells us we're not supposed to. I call any Friend of mine I'm able to have sex with my Loverfriend. These individuals can rely upon me for any need they may have yet retain the freedom to do whatever they want to. The boundaries, while there, are more broad then those of existing relationship structures. It's casual in that sense of the word, yet I don't believe in NSA as the act of sex itself is a "string". Instead, I value each "string" for its own individual length and color.'

I`d say it sums it up perfectly to me.


Poly to me, currently reminds me of a 'snowball'. Remember when there were dances, attracting 'serious' people who wanted to dance, or meet someone......and the songs would play. People would find a partner, Then the DJ would yell 'snowball !' ...and you had to turn and change partners ?

Maybe what I see, will change, but currently I have seen a whole lot of philosophy, a whole lot of should and shouldn`t, but ultimately, somebody is calling the shots, and everyone snowballs.
 
I am in my first poly relationship, and though I am wired fairly mono, I’m finding that I really like a lot of aspects of polyamory. I love the openness and am really enjoying getting to know my boyfriend’s other girlfriend and her boyfriend, and even sharing about other people we are interested in or dating. I’ve had very little jealousy in that area at all, despite what I expected going in.

However, I am struggling with a strong discomfort (not sure jealousy is the right word here) over some casual sex/nsa type encounters my boyfriend has had since we’ve been dating, and more generally the number of people he is involved with. It just doesn’t feel good, and on some level I feel like it devalues our relationship.

I’m trying really hard to just sit with it, stay open, and look at this intellectually, identify my insecurities, etc. I’ve read Ethical Slut. I’ve read through the articles at xeromag. I’ve read through posts here. I’ve talked to my boyfriend about it and shared how I feel (he’s been very supportive , opted out of an opportunity recently, and essentially given me veto power though I’m not comfortable using it at this point). But for now at least the discomfort is there and fairly strong.

I’m wondering if anyone can share their perspective on casual sex, or how It has played into your relationships, or anything else that might help me sort through my feelings and find some peace around this issue.

If your boyfriend is young, say under 30 or 35, he may need a lot of casual sex. Some men do, I did. I slept with maybe 50 or more women by the time I was 25, but maybe 5 or 6 after (I'm 55 now). Be understanding if you can. Testosterone is some powerful stuff!

Your time will come when you hit your 40's. He'll be more docile by then.
 
I include casual sex, intimate dating (which is an interesting phase in itself - what would other dating be called?), and FWBs as definitely having a place in polyamory.

In my definition of polyamory, I emphasize the ethics aspect of poly - as opposed to focusing on the loving multiple people at once. It is certainly possible to love romantically two or more people at the same time. Yet, if the people involved are not honest with each other, then someone is likely cheating, or being cheated upon. Monogamous, committed people fall in love with more than one person all the time - we see posts about this situation regularly.

To me, the critical aspect of poly is not the multiple relationships although that's the fun part. It is the emphasis on an ethic of honesty, openness, respect and communication.

I also see more of continuum of loving, caring relationships available in poly rather than just the long-term, committed (however defined) model. So casual sex, done responsibly and ethically, can fit into poly, as would FWBs and any number of other sexual/romantic possibilities that I haven't thought of. I can even see the possibility of anonymous sex being poly - I would think it would difficult and not the best option for me personally, but plausible.

This board sometimes has a tendency to discount, or even disapprove, of casual sex. Or frame it as not 'really' poly. I completely support people's right to decide what is appropriate, safe and sexy for them. Certainly that has evolved over time for me and I do not know where I will end up! Nor do I think that folks who do not care for casual sex do not value sex or are not sex-positive. However, I'm seeing a trend on the board of a narrowing down of polyamory in ways that are disturbing to me.

I can envision polyamory with a wide variety of loving, caring relationships, including primary relationships lasting for life, group marriages, triads, networks, casual sex partners, FWBs and so on. But I cannot see a polyamory devoid of an ethic of honesty, communication, openness and respect.
 
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