CaptainUnderpants
New member
As this is my first post I would like to thank everyone who has posted their life stories and tales as this has helped me immensely figure out what I want from poly.
I will start this story with a quick snapshot from today. My wife and I are communicating fearlessly and currently reading "The Ethical Slut". Any decision about poly is on hold and we are rebuilding our communication. We have been married for 23 years and it has generally been very good, but there have been errors, mistakes and growing pains. One of these "errors" happened 8 years ago, which for me was unknowingly the start of my poly journey.
8 years ago, my wife had a brief affair, 2 weeks. At the time it appeared that we would be getting divorced. However my wife quickly had a change of heart and came back to our marriage with a level of commitment that had previously been lacking. For quite a few years prior to the affair, I was not respected by my wife very much. She was in a place where she was expecting a man to make her life better and since I was the man in her life, the shortfall in what she expected was my fault. She was searching for a new man to trade up to and that felt like crap from my prospective, so that by the time the affair came around I was VERY ready to be done. The affair was not the tip of the iceberg, but was the straw that broke the camels back. I was done.
But she was determined not to let me go. With much at stake, and what appeared a new outlook and attitude, I decided it would be best to not make any rash decisions and to stay in the marriage. During the next 5 years we became a little more sexually adventurous with some light duty swinging and several FMF three ways, mostly with my wife's friends. This was partly because my wife is proud of me and is happy to share, partly because my wife may have felt guilt around the affair and partly because my wife drinks too much. I don't drink at all.
While many people have always identified as poly, I would say the Monogamy has been beaten out of me. Many years ago I would have identified as Monogamous. I was Monogamous because, that is what you are supposed to do, and I am quite traditional, because I would be too jealous to share and probably just too insecure. The jealously that I felt during that affair and the insecurity before and after the affair was the WORST emotional place that I could ever be. Living in that space was unbearable. I had to let it go and re write my story around my wife's infidelity and generally flirtatious buzzed and sometimes irresponsible behavior.
Without getting into too many details, or spiritual philosophy, I have been sober since 19 yrs old and am currently in my mid 50's. It is not uncommon for many people I know with 25+ years of sobriety to just be full of love. And certainly this space has happened to me. Realizing that the affair and my wife's insecurities had nothing to do with me allowed me to not just forgive her, but to really understand that there never was any transgression against me. It is all her story. The combination of complete acceptance, sexual freedom and a true love for all my fellow humans created a new world of possibility and essentially turned my poly.
Quite a few years ago, I made a connection with somebody that I had known for many years, but this time it was no doubt an emotional connection. This woman (Loni) has been a huge source of support as well as a major partner in my spiritual progress. Whenever this relationship surfaced my wife reacted with such angst, fear and jealously that I just let the relationship exist under the radar. I know not a good thing. I let this happen because I simply didn't feel like upsetting the apple cart so to speak. I felt, I had enough on my hands dealing with life, business and frankly my wife's anger which was often random, possibly quite vicious but always alcohol induced.
Shockingly my wife has no problem with me sleeping with with one of our friends even while away. But God forbid I have a meaningful, none sexual relationship. I know this is the typical profile, men fear sexual infidelity, women fear emotional infidelity.
Over the last year and months, I had been putting a stand up against any alcohol induced emotional abuse and also realizing that living in fear of my wife's anger wasn't healthy for me. I was not comfortable having to not be me. At this point I personally identified as poly and saw the possibility to love more than one person and was getting tired of not being honest. So several weeks ago I stated simply that "Next Tuesday I am going to visit Loni". I also explained to my wife that through the affair and my forgiveness of anything related to this affair, I was no longer the same person. I was in need of being able to connect with people and allowed love to happen if it were appropriate. While this went over ok at first, add alcohol and what was acceptable became the end of the world.
This emotional up and down has been one hell of an emotional ride for my wife over the course of the last several weeks and it has become clear that the drinking and resulting madness had to stop. She is getting sober and committing to working through our relationship.
At this point you might think quite poorly of my wife's character and chances of working this out. But please don't, the other side of the coin is that my wife is one of the most loving people I have ever met. It is almost inevitable that if we go to a party, I have several women come up to me by the end of the night proclaiming that "I love your wife, she is awesome" and they only just met her. Maybe it has just taken a shake up for her to look at a more sober way of life. Sober, she really is an effortless joy to talk to when I don't have to live in fear of a bad reaction.
So for now, I told her I would not contact my friend for 30 days. However, I have also been insistent that I do not throw out friends and that this friendship is not on the table. My friend knows that I am retreating to rebuild for 30 days and will report back then. Just today, I told my wife that there has been a woman that I plan on having lunch with next week. Not likely to end up sexual. But I did say what should I do if I want to sleep with her. Here response, "Just call me and we will figure it out".
So while I have emotionally felt poly for several years, I have not been an "Ethical Slut". While my wife's reaction was expected, we have been working through the emotions and the typical monogamous cultural programming (ie. if you love somebody else, you are going to leave me... etc). She is really enjoying the book ("Ethical Slut"), and our previous mild swinging experience has given us head start.
One of my overall personal / life themes has been freedom. I can't imagine getting back into the monogamous box after having the ability to love freely. I am very grateful that my wife is excited about her and my newfound ability to communicate. I am responsible for not being forthcoming to my wife and a relationship with secrets is not her style, and as a side benefit the need to really be present for this process, hence sober, is a large side benefit.
This is just a very exciting turn in my marriage. The tricky part was putting it all on the line and knowing that I risked destruction of the marriage if I were to stay true to myself. But for now, it looks like our love and commitment to our marriage will help us navigate this new chapter. As a side note, I am well aware that slow is better, my wife and I know that this shift in our thinking, is not something that should occur with any haste. I have no need to run out and date people, just a desire to live and love freely. I think this approach, with lots of communication will serve us well.
However, with this being so new, everything could change..... I will keep you posted. Thank you all for sharing your stories. They have helped immensely. I look forward to many tales of love and adventure.
I will start this story with a quick snapshot from today. My wife and I are communicating fearlessly and currently reading "The Ethical Slut". Any decision about poly is on hold and we are rebuilding our communication. We have been married for 23 years and it has generally been very good, but there have been errors, mistakes and growing pains. One of these "errors" happened 8 years ago, which for me was unknowingly the start of my poly journey.
8 years ago, my wife had a brief affair, 2 weeks. At the time it appeared that we would be getting divorced. However my wife quickly had a change of heart and came back to our marriage with a level of commitment that had previously been lacking. For quite a few years prior to the affair, I was not respected by my wife very much. She was in a place where she was expecting a man to make her life better and since I was the man in her life, the shortfall in what she expected was my fault. She was searching for a new man to trade up to and that felt like crap from my prospective, so that by the time the affair came around I was VERY ready to be done. The affair was not the tip of the iceberg, but was the straw that broke the camels back. I was done.
But she was determined not to let me go. With much at stake, and what appeared a new outlook and attitude, I decided it would be best to not make any rash decisions and to stay in the marriage. During the next 5 years we became a little more sexually adventurous with some light duty swinging and several FMF three ways, mostly with my wife's friends. This was partly because my wife is proud of me and is happy to share, partly because my wife may have felt guilt around the affair and partly because my wife drinks too much. I don't drink at all.
While many people have always identified as poly, I would say the Monogamy has been beaten out of me. Many years ago I would have identified as Monogamous. I was Monogamous because, that is what you are supposed to do, and I am quite traditional, because I would be too jealous to share and probably just too insecure. The jealously that I felt during that affair and the insecurity before and after the affair was the WORST emotional place that I could ever be. Living in that space was unbearable. I had to let it go and re write my story around my wife's infidelity and generally flirtatious buzzed and sometimes irresponsible behavior.
Without getting into too many details, or spiritual philosophy, I have been sober since 19 yrs old and am currently in my mid 50's. It is not uncommon for many people I know with 25+ years of sobriety to just be full of love. And certainly this space has happened to me. Realizing that the affair and my wife's insecurities had nothing to do with me allowed me to not just forgive her, but to really understand that there never was any transgression against me. It is all her story. The combination of complete acceptance, sexual freedom and a true love for all my fellow humans created a new world of possibility and essentially turned my poly.
Quite a few years ago, I made a connection with somebody that I had known for many years, but this time it was no doubt an emotional connection. This woman (Loni) has been a huge source of support as well as a major partner in my spiritual progress. Whenever this relationship surfaced my wife reacted with such angst, fear and jealously that I just let the relationship exist under the radar. I know not a good thing. I let this happen because I simply didn't feel like upsetting the apple cart so to speak. I felt, I had enough on my hands dealing with life, business and frankly my wife's anger which was often random, possibly quite vicious but always alcohol induced.
Shockingly my wife has no problem with me sleeping with with one of our friends even while away. But God forbid I have a meaningful, none sexual relationship. I know this is the typical profile, men fear sexual infidelity, women fear emotional infidelity.
Over the last year and months, I had been putting a stand up against any alcohol induced emotional abuse and also realizing that living in fear of my wife's anger wasn't healthy for me. I was not comfortable having to not be me. At this point I personally identified as poly and saw the possibility to love more than one person and was getting tired of not being honest. So several weeks ago I stated simply that "Next Tuesday I am going to visit Loni". I also explained to my wife that through the affair and my forgiveness of anything related to this affair, I was no longer the same person. I was in need of being able to connect with people and allowed love to happen if it were appropriate. While this went over ok at first, add alcohol and what was acceptable became the end of the world.
This emotional up and down has been one hell of an emotional ride for my wife over the course of the last several weeks and it has become clear that the drinking and resulting madness had to stop. She is getting sober and committing to working through our relationship.
At this point you might think quite poorly of my wife's character and chances of working this out. But please don't, the other side of the coin is that my wife is one of the most loving people I have ever met. It is almost inevitable that if we go to a party, I have several women come up to me by the end of the night proclaiming that "I love your wife, she is awesome" and they only just met her. Maybe it has just taken a shake up for her to look at a more sober way of life. Sober, she really is an effortless joy to talk to when I don't have to live in fear of a bad reaction.
So for now, I told her I would not contact my friend for 30 days. However, I have also been insistent that I do not throw out friends and that this friendship is not on the table. My friend knows that I am retreating to rebuild for 30 days and will report back then. Just today, I told my wife that there has been a woman that I plan on having lunch with next week. Not likely to end up sexual. But I did say what should I do if I want to sleep with her. Here response, "Just call me and we will figure it out".
So while I have emotionally felt poly for several years, I have not been an "Ethical Slut". While my wife's reaction was expected, we have been working through the emotions and the typical monogamous cultural programming (ie. if you love somebody else, you are going to leave me... etc). She is really enjoying the book ("Ethical Slut"), and our previous mild swinging experience has given us head start.
One of my overall personal / life themes has been freedom. I can't imagine getting back into the monogamous box after having the ability to love freely. I am very grateful that my wife is excited about her and my newfound ability to communicate. I am responsible for not being forthcoming to my wife and a relationship with secrets is not her style, and as a side benefit the need to really be present for this process, hence sober, is a large side benefit.
This is just a very exciting turn in my marriage. The tricky part was putting it all on the line and knowing that I risked destruction of the marriage if I were to stay true to myself. But for now, it looks like our love and commitment to our marriage will help us navigate this new chapter. As a side note, I am well aware that slow is better, my wife and I know that this shift in our thinking, is not something that should occur with any haste. I have no need to run out and date people, just a desire to live and love freely. I think this approach, with lots of communication will serve us well.
However, with this being so new, everything could change..... I will keep you posted. Thank you all for sharing your stories. They have helped immensely. I look forward to many tales of love and adventure.