Rebirthing a Marriage - Or I Love My Wife!

As this is my first post I would like to thank everyone who has posted their life stories and tales as this has helped me immensely figure out what I want from poly.

I will start this story with a quick snapshot from today. My wife and I are communicating fearlessly and currently reading "The Ethical Slut". Any decision about poly is on hold and we are rebuilding our communication. We have been married for 23 years and it has generally been very good, but there have been errors, mistakes and growing pains. One of these "errors" happened 8 years ago, which for me was unknowingly the start of my poly journey.

8 years ago, my wife had a brief affair, 2 weeks. At the time it appeared that we would be getting divorced. However my wife quickly had a change of heart and came back to our marriage with a level of commitment that had previously been lacking. For quite a few years prior to the affair, I was not respected by my wife very much. She was in a place where she was expecting a man to make her life better and since I was the man in her life, the shortfall in what she expected was my fault. She was searching for a new man to trade up to and that felt like crap from my prospective, so that by the time the affair came around I was VERY ready to be done. The affair was not the tip of the iceberg, but was the straw that broke the camels back. I was done.

But she was determined not to let me go. With much at stake, and what appeared a new outlook and attitude, I decided it would be best to not make any rash decisions and to stay in the marriage. During the next 5 years we became a little more sexually adventurous with some light duty swinging and several FMF three ways, mostly with my wife's friends. This was partly because my wife is proud of me and is happy to share, partly because my wife may have felt guilt around the affair and partly because my wife drinks too much. I don't drink at all.

While many people have always identified as poly, I would say the Monogamy has been beaten out of me. Many years ago I would have identified as Monogamous. I was Monogamous because, that is what you are supposed to do, and I am quite traditional, because I would be too jealous to share and probably just too insecure. The jealously that I felt during that affair and the insecurity before and after the affair was the WORST emotional place that I could ever be. Living in that space was unbearable. I had to let it go and re write my story around my wife's infidelity and generally flirtatious buzzed and sometimes irresponsible behavior.

Without getting into too many details, or spiritual philosophy, I have been sober since 19 yrs old and am currently in my mid 50's. It is not uncommon for many people I know with 25+ years of sobriety to just be full of love. And certainly this space has happened to me. Realizing that the affair and my wife's insecurities had nothing to do with me allowed me to not just forgive her, but to really understand that there never was any transgression against me. It is all her story. The combination of complete acceptance, sexual freedom and a true love for all my fellow humans created a new world of possibility and essentially turned my poly.

Quite a few years ago, I made a connection with somebody that I had known for many years, but this time it was no doubt an emotional connection. This woman (Loni) has been a huge source of support as well as a major partner in my spiritual progress. Whenever this relationship surfaced my wife reacted with such angst, fear and jealously that I just let the relationship exist under the radar. I know not a good thing. I let this happen because I simply didn't feel like upsetting the apple cart so to speak. I felt, I had enough on my hands dealing with life, business and frankly my wife's anger which was often random, possibly quite vicious but always alcohol induced.

Shockingly my wife has no problem with me sleeping with with one of our friends even while away. But God forbid I have a meaningful, none sexual relationship. I know this is the typical profile, men fear sexual infidelity, women fear emotional infidelity.

Over the last year and months, I had been putting a stand up against any alcohol induced emotional abuse and also realizing that living in fear of my wife's anger wasn't healthy for me. I was not comfortable having to not be me. At this point I personally identified as poly and saw the possibility to love more than one person and was getting tired of not being honest. So several weeks ago I stated simply that "Next Tuesday I am going to visit Loni". I also explained to my wife that through the affair and my forgiveness of anything related to this affair, I was no longer the same person. I was in need of being able to connect with people and allowed love to happen if it were appropriate. While this went over ok at first, add alcohol and what was acceptable became the end of the world.

This emotional up and down has been one hell of an emotional ride for my wife over the course of the last several weeks and it has become clear that the drinking and resulting madness had to stop. She is getting sober and committing to working through our relationship.

At this point you might think quite poorly of my wife's character and chances of working this out. But please don't, the other side of the coin is that my wife is one of the most loving people I have ever met. It is almost inevitable that if we go to a party, I have several women come up to me by the end of the night proclaiming that "I love your wife, she is awesome" and they only just met her. Maybe it has just taken a shake up for her to look at a more sober way of life. Sober, she really is an effortless joy to talk to when I don't have to live in fear of a bad reaction.

So for now, I told her I would not contact my friend for 30 days. However, I have also been insistent that I do not throw out friends and that this friendship is not on the table. My friend knows that I am retreating to rebuild for 30 days and will report back then. Just today, I told my wife that there has been a woman that I plan on having lunch with next week. Not likely to end up sexual. But I did say what should I do if I want to sleep with her. Here response, "Just call me and we will figure it out".

So while I have emotionally felt poly for several years, I have not been an "Ethical Slut". While my wife's reaction was expected, we have been working through the emotions and the typical monogamous cultural programming (ie. if you love somebody else, you are going to leave me... etc). She is really enjoying the book ("Ethical Slut"), and our previous mild swinging experience has given us head start.

One of my overall personal / life themes has been freedom. I can't imagine getting back into the monogamous box after having the ability to love freely. I am very grateful that my wife is excited about her and my newfound ability to communicate. I am responsible for not being forthcoming to my wife and a relationship with secrets is not her style, and as a side benefit the need to really be present for this process, hence sober, is a large side benefit.

This is just a very exciting turn in my marriage. The tricky part was putting it all on the line and knowing that I risked destruction of the marriage if I were to stay true to myself. But for now, it looks like our love and commitment to our marriage will help us navigate this new chapter. As a side note, I am well aware that slow is better, my wife and I know that this shift in our thinking, is not something that should occur with any haste. I have no need to run out and date people, just a desire to live and love freely. I think this approach, with lots of communication will serve us well.

However, with this being so new, everything could change..... I will keep you posted. Thank you all for sharing your stories. They have helped immensely. I look forward to many tales of love and adventure.
 
Welcome, CaptainUnderpants! What a great first post. I look forward to following your story. As it's often said (can't remember who said it first): "Take it easy, but take it." You may have read this quote elsewhere too; I find it very apt.
 
Welcome, CaptainUnderpants! What a great first post. I look forward to following your story. As it's often said (can't remember who said it first): "Take it easy, but take it." You may have read this quote elsewhere too; I find it very apt.

Fuchka, Thanks for the encouragement. What is great about patients is that just being able to talk with my wife about the new potential within our relationship is hugely rewarding.

Certainly having extra love in my life is great, but allowing love to occur and having the potential to love freely is more important than the physical manifestation of love at this point. For me love and freedom start with myself. It is the place where I now reside and have to be. I don't need to be out dating but I do need to reside in a loving and open space that is full of possabilities.

While nothing has changed in my marriage at this point. Everything has changed. My disclosure could have gone in two different directions. One direction could have been. Wife - "My jealously is so great and so painful that I can't bear it. You can never talk to this woman again". This would not be acceptable, as I would have to jump into the box, be shamed for my actions and would never really be able to speak honestly to my wife again. A horrid place to be.

But what has happened is my wife has felt fully loved by me (as much as possible considering the situation), and has to now reconcile allowing love, care, compassion, and everybody's best interest to be the guiding principle. Can she still feel loved, even though I might love more than just her. Can this be a net positive? This is what we are working through right now. I realize it took me years to work through my fears and insecurity that was underlay the jealously. I am aware the the huge emotional inertia with this type of change.

I don't need physical results right now. The results that are present with our communication and how we are working through just being with ourselves and with each other is enough. There is a freedom in my soul that just feels so right, and I believe my wife sees and feels this new way to live free of jealousy that it is exciting for her. She is a fearless individual and I feel blessed to have a partner that is excited about our newfound communication, love, openness and freedom, and willing to do the work to get through some gut wrenching fear that might be part of the process.
 
Last edited:
Revelation....., well not really, I have known this about myself for years. My guilt just showed itself again. I did set up a lunch date with a woman. Not likely to be anything sexual, just a chance to get to know somebody, be supportive and connect with my tribe. I had previously told my wife that I was going to set up this lunch date, and she was good with it, so it shouldn't have produced anxiety within me, but it did.

This morning I let her know that tomorrow I would have lunch. She was fine. I disclosed that there was a part of me that felt either guilt around this and or felt like I needed to be secretive. She said, "Well that isn't coming from me, just let me know if if looks like it is going to go farther".

Well how cool is that, my wife is a fearless communicator. Now I just have to look at myself and wonder WTF. Is my guilt / secrecy cultural, is it just a way of being. But more importantly, just STOP IT. Don't take on a false narrative that isn't even true. Especially since this false narrative (secrecy/ guilt) separates me from my wife. How F'd up is that. I am the one who has read for years on Poly, yet it is my wife that is teaching me a lesson.
 
Last edited:
Inspiring

This is really a very inspiring post for people like me who likes to open up his marriage while dealing with curious but a bit conservative wife...

REgards,

Revelation....., well not really, I have known this about myself for years. My guilt just showed itself again. I did set up a lunch date with a woman. Not likely to be anything sexual, just a chance to get to know somebody, be supportive and connect with my tribe. I had previously told my wife that I was going to set up this lunch date, and she was good with it, so it shouldn't have produced anxiety within me, but it did.

This morning I let her know that tomorrow I would have lunch. She was fine. I disclosed that there was a part of me that felt either guilt around this and or felt like I needed to be secretive. She said, "Well that isn't coming from me, just let me know if if looks like it is going to go farther".

Well how cool is that, my wife is a fearless communicator. Now I just have to look at myself and wonder WTF. Is my guilt / secrecy cultural, is it just a way of being. But more importantly, just STOP IT. Don't take on a false narrative that isn't even true. Especially since this false narrative (secrecy/ guilt) separates me from my wife. How F'd up is that. I am the one who has read for years on Poly, yet it is my wife that is teaching me a lesson.
 
I am about 45 days into my wife sobering up and I have to say that while it has been tumultuous, the end result is that everything is evolving in a great way. I resumed communication with my girlfriend, the one my wife was threatened by. This has understandably caused anxiety with my wife and even within me, but every step of the way we have been working through it.

This last week I did go visit my girlfriend while my wife was out of town. My wife knew I was going to go and just happened to call when I was having coffee with my girlfriend. I picked up and phone and we spoke. It went well. Just this acknowledgement of the existence of the relationship is huge. I have to work on my own insecurities and judgments around this situation.

Moving forward with my wife we are aware that we now have essentially a new marriage. It will be a challenge to rebuild our marriage around different lines, less mono, more poly. I am not sure if poly is less or more work than mono. But what is for certain, is that poly requires you to do the work. I think in mono you can just fall asleep at the wheel, so to speak, and ignore the work required. Then you wake up 20 years later and realize you need to get divorced because the divide is too great.

This is both one of the most exciting experiences of my life and potentially one of the most challenging as well.

Thank you to everyone on this forum for sharing my journey.
 
Last edited:
It has been about a month and a half since I last wrote. I just re read my last post and I see the most important point is that my wife acknowledged the existence of my girlfriend. Communication with my girlfriend has been essentially non existent from my prospective. Maybe 4-6 calls over the last 6 weeks, just checking in. It is kind of a bummer, but it also feels good that I can allow my wife time to heal and get used to my coming out as poly. Plus this relationship was somewhat hidden from my wife. Partially from my wife rage when drinking, which is no longer there, thank god, and partially because I didn't know how to come clean or really want to come clean as I couldn't trust my wifes drunken rages. The interesting thing however, is that from my wife's prospective this number of calls feels like a ton of communication. Kind of like that joke. The therapist asks "well so how often do you guys have sex". Husband replys "almost never, like two times a week". The wife replies "all the time, like two times a week".

Fast forward to today. The work that has been occurring has nothing to do with implementing poly and everything to do with just becoming comfortable with poly. Over the last three weeks I had two conversations with my girlfriend and I did not tell my wife. This really freaked out my wife and sent her into a tailspin. I just didn't feel like dealing with the fall out of telling her about the calls, but have since realized the fallout from not telling her is much worse.

Part of the reason I didn't feel like telling my wife is that her need to know has felt like control. Crap rules like "You need to let me know before you call her" and just methods of control. Well if this is the case then I just probably wouldn't want to call my girlfriend because I wouldn't want to deal with bullshit emotions enough to call. It would be a form of emotional control.

After my wife's recent emotional breakdown, however it does feel different. Less controlling and more just a need to be aware and have some sense of what is going on and some inclusion in my formally separate life. So my wifes current request is you just need to let me know when have called her. Which to me feels ok, as if my wife will be ok with this and it won't be a big deal.

This has been the work. I am not a fan of rules. In my book, they are just a form of control and a person's need for control is just another way of saying, I don't want to do the work. So I have been reluctant to adhere to rules. Request on the other hand are another thing. I will bend over backwards to honor the needs of the people I love. So here in lies the dynamic that we are learning.

The dynamics around this process are so very deep with mono cultural programming. Plus my wife has pretty much turned on a dime from not sober person, to the warm sensitive and loving person that she always was. This instant shift is requiring me to change quicker than I might normally move. I am a Taurus and don't shift instantly.

We both just read the great little pamphlet "when someone you love is poly", and my wife has agreed to go see a poly aware counselor. So her willingness to work through this is great. I am kind of bummed however as the counselor has yet to call me back from two calls over 4 days ago. Maybe he is on vacation. I will put out a request to the general part of the forum.

I can see my wife's struggle. She wants to feel special. This is going to be my challenge, to make her feel special, without it meaning, I don't have the right to talk to / see other women. Time will tell. My wife is pretty amazing so I have hope, but you never know how deep this mono thing goes.

Well thanks for listening. It is truly amazing how slowly you do need to go in this process. Thank god I am not in the throws of NRE and am mature in age, plus being a Taurus in this instance helps with my slow resolve.
 
I'm not quite sure what type of progress I am making towards a poly lifestyle. I would have to say really not much on a physical level. However there is some small movement on a attitude level.

There was a post that cited an article called The Most skipped Step when Opening a Relationship.
https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the-most-skipped-step-when-opening-a-relationship-f1f67abbbd49

I could not recommend it more. My observation from my own marriage, is that we have a significant amount of co dependence. I would say my wife is co dependent, but the simple fact that I would allow this to exist means I am co dependent as well. So I am not off the hook here. It takes two to tango, so to speak.

How are we co dependent. My wife doesn't like doing things without me. Is this such a bad thing? Well not really, but I do like to have my own activities and autonomy and sometimes this need to have me always do things with her makes me feel a little lost. This is just an observation. It does however point back to the essence of the above article where people need to feel and be ok with and by themselves, otherwise, poly will exacerbate ones insecurities. This seems to be a area where work on both our parts needs to be done.

Over the last several weeks I have spoken to my girlfriend a couple of times. She has started dating some other guys which is good. She needed more people in her life. I did mention to my wife about this communication. It really is pretty pathetic that this still tweaks my wife, considering sex with other women hasn't been a problem. Fortunately it was only a minor reaction that left pretty quickly. I yearn for the day that might very likely never come, the day when my wife and girlfriend would have a conversation and actually get along or see eye to eye. I am not holding my breath.

I recently went to a male only AA meeting where the topic was sex. I found it absolutely preposterous to think that anyone that HAS to come out as Poly, like you would come out as gay. "Uhhh... my name is "blank" and I happen to love more than one person". What a bunch of horse crap that is. To actually have to designate yourself as a loving person????? What the hell does this say about our society, that this should be an exception to human behavior. Makes no sense at all. This however was a good experience to see the insanity of poly being an exception to the human experience, when in fact it should be the standard. End of rant.
 
I feel like my wife and I are making several steps forward and one or two back.

The progress we are making has been very encouraging. Probably the greatest step forward has been a new spiritual understanding that has given us the ability to communicate using a common language. For me poly has been inextricably linked to my spiritual journey. My wife and I have been reading some books that are important to me.

One book that profoundly changed me is called "Take me to Truth" by Nouk Sanchez. The book is based upon "The Course in Miracles". One of the basic principles of the book is that only Love is real. Everything else is temporary, or an illusion. Basically a manifestation of ones ego, a story we create to fuel the ego. From this basic assumption comes many principles. One is the distinction between "Special Love" and "Divine or Unified Love". Special love is more like our Monogamous Love. One in which there is an unspoken expectation of having our ego needs met by one who is the object of our affection. I will love you, if you do these things for me. If you don't fulfill my needs, then I hate you. Unified love can never turn to hate, and it requires nothing in return. I love you simply because I am love and love is what I do.

Being able to discuss this concept has tremendously helped our dialogue and her understanding of what love means to me. Best of all is that the book is really resonating with her. When something resonates then it just seams to be true.

Another great opportunity we had was to go to a local poly meetup this last week. It was held at a bar that was also hosting a weekly Karaoke event in the adjacent bar, so we were able to attend both events and have fun doing both. The turn out for the poly group was pretty good. I was able to have some great conversations and my wife participated as well.

As a side note, based upon my very limited observation of the group, maybe only half the people are really functioning in a poly relationship, others like myself are exploring what it means to be poly. This actually feels pretty good to me then, as trying to figure out what being poly means to them is then actually quite normal, and there is no need to negatively judge yourself for not having functional poly lives.

Back to the book and spiritual progress. To me the concepts of spirituality and poly go so hand in hand. To be able to love and to have the cultural freedom to do so just seem so self evident. Yet, I believe, it is a mono world that is so ego driven and so ugly that gets in the way of what are my spiritual ideals. The mono /ego world says, this is my man, don't look at my woman, if you love him then you can't love me, there is only so much love to go around so I better protect my supply, if I break up with you I now need to hate or destroy you. To me, these are all such ugly ways of being. This book is helping open this communication and allowing a vision of a better way to be.

The bad news is that alcohol fuels the ego, and my wife does like to drink. Things have been much better as of late. But alcohol when used for emotional purposes is just such a big cop out. It is an excuse, and it causes an emotional setback. But this seems to be improving. And I have high hopes based upon the progress we are making.
 
More about Language interpretations

My wife and I just had couples therapy this afternoon. Up came a big issue for my wife that I will needs to further discuss with her. I am here to cement my ideas about the issue. The issue stems from a different perspective of issues. Lets call it the Ego Perspective vs. the Divine Perspective.

I will start with an analogy. Often times with jealousy, it is implied that if you aren't jealous then you don't care. So many times the jealously is driven by the Ego. I am not being taken care of. I am feeling left out. My needs are not being met. I will be abandoned. This is the Ego Perspective. If a spouse has compersion, then maybe they can look at it from a Divine Perspective. How lucky THEY are to have this experience. THEY are happy and that makes me happy. WE will ALL benefit from this experience.

But the problem is that an EGO perspective can't fathom the Divine Perspective. Both perspectives can't occupy the same space. So when the Ego Perspective is confronted with the Divine Perspective, the Ego Perspective, simply assumes that the Person doesn't care or is wrong. Which just isn't true. The Ego's Perspective can't wrap its head around the Divine way of being. The Ego Perspectives answer can only come from it's way of being. The Ego says there is something wrong with the divine way, because they don't care. A made up narrative must be created which conforms to the Ego's way of seeing the world. The Ego's survival depends upon it.

End of analogy. Here is my issue. My wife had an affair 10 years ago. On some level she beats herself up for this. She says that she has felt that she needs to do penance for this transgression. She also beats herself up for a lot of things. She says she wishes I wasn't so perfect. But here is the rub. I have NO issue with my wife's affair. I re-wrote the narrative on this issue. Let me first state that I do not believe anybody can cheat ON somebody. If somebody Cheats, it is Their issue. My wife's affair was something she needed to do because somehow she felt like she needed to experience. Her affair was not about me. It was not directed towards me. It was simply a cry for love. She wants me to take partial blame for it, so that she doesn't have to take all of the blame for it. She want me to beat myself up along side her. But how can I blame myself when there IS no blame.

I will go even farther to say that this event didn't really exist. If you subscribe to the "Course in Miracles" philosophy, then the only true thing in the world IS LOVE. All other issues are illusions. So an affair, in the negative sense of the word, never really occurred. My wife just was able to explore the opportunity of another love. This is my narrative because this is how I have chosen to interpret the world. It is now who I am. How can I be apart of the problem (shared blame) if there is none. The traditional mode of forgiveness says, "You did wrong, you feel regret / shame and will not do it again". How can I forgive her in a traditional sense? If I forgive in a traditional sense, then I only take my pointing finger and point it back on my with false judgement or a false sense of superiority that I am better. This only allows me to then judge myself or creates a disconnect between my wife and I. If we are all one, then by condemning her actions, I condemn myself. My forgiveness is not to acknowledge the problem and then repent for it. It is to forgive the problem because there never was a problem. The issues is absolved, it never existed within the original interpretation of guilt, shame or transgression.

So you see the fundamental problem is not that I not willing to meet my wife halfway so to speak. It is that I don't see the world from her perspective. Her asking me to share in the guilt is like asking me to agree that the Emperor’s Clothes ARE beautiful. "But the Emperor is Naked", I would reply. How can we even talk about the quality of the clothes when there ARE NO clothes.
 
Last edited:
I don't know any of the books you mention, but I agree with the practice of acknowledging that there are those different perspectives. I'm following your posts with interest.
 
I don't know any of the books you mention, but I agree with the practice of acknowledging that there are those different perspectives. I'm following your posts with interest.
Evie, Thanks for your interest. I have benefited greatly from this community. It is nice to know that I can give back on some level.
 
Making Progress

For me the poly journey has nothing to do with with poly and more to do with just good communication, developing a healthy marriage and spiritual growth. Those are the goals, yet poly seems to be the platform by which this is happening.

This is very similar to many things in life. Developing yourself as a human is always the goal. How we do it can be via many avenues. Maybe sports, maybe business, religion etc.

Yesterday, for my wife and I, was a major breakthrough. Earlier in the week I had a very brief email communication with my platonic girlfriend, the one that causes her angst because of my level of secrecy around this relationship. She took this little bit of communication and ran with it, projecting into the future.

Several days later my wife came back to the present moment. One thing I do admire about my wife is her ability to hit an issue head on. She is great about being willing to rip the band off, metaphorically speaking. The issue being exposed was my relationship with this other woman, my deep platonic friendship. This has been our hurdle, but this is fine, because we both have the need to bring this relationship into the open. We both want this relationship more "discuss - able". So we are on the same page.

The problem discussing this relationship is based upon years of shared history, learned behavior, poor coping skills, co-dependency and lack of emotional maturity. My reasons for not bringing up this relationship is my desire to protect myself from my wife's criticism, which has been harsh. There is also the false underlying cultural premise that a monogamous man should only love his wife. My wife's reason for not being able to discuss the topic has been projecting into the future how the existence of this relationship will mean her doom and destruction. This does allow her to "discuss" the topic, but not the reality of the relationship, rather a somewhat hysterical projection of what the monogamous world falsely assumes to be true. That another women means the destruction of the existing relationship. In this frame of mind nothing can be discussed because everything is from the ego's prospective.

Fast forward to yesterdays progress. I am now in a space where I feel safe with my wife and free my own personal judgement, so that I can share in an authentic way with my wife. She on the other hand is giving up the need to be in fear and attack. So she is now capable of discussing rather than reacting. In the morning we discussed several ideas as they related to spiritual principles. The idea that I had to actually let my wife go to be able to love her. The idea that I could not exist in the space of fear around loosing her because it was too painful. But that is also what allowed me to love her. I think the most valuable concept was that she understood that my ability to love her and still care deeply for other women, even love other women, was not mutually exclusive. And most importantly that in many ways they were one and the same. She also got that me being able to express this to her, if she was not threatened by it, resulted in greater intimacy.

Later in the evening at dinner she actually wanted to know a little about my girlfriend and what we talk about. This was also great. Fear of the future is largely based upon fear of the unknown. Once we started putting context to the relationship I could see my wife's story of fear and destruction evaporate. The evening ended with us going to a concert. As we left the concert my wife and I talked and she said something which is the essence of a spiritual relationship. She said that I have been very helpful and supportive of her growth and she wanted to provide that to me. This was said all in context of the personal growth / girlfriend situation.

Overall, there was such a feeling of peace that now surrounds our relationship. This is a such a huge transformation. We talked a little about how this might look. At this point my wife knows that she should move forward with diffusing any negative energy around my girlfriend. Maybe this looks like my wife getting to know her on some level, this will be for the future. She also talked about how very difficult it would be for her to know I was going on a date and spending the night with another woman having sex. On the other hand she knows that I am highly sexual and she really enjoys seeing me happy and having a shared sexual experience with another woman. This we have done a handful of times with other women in our social circle. She also knows that I like to connect with other people and enjoy female company and understands this is important to me and is essentially who I am.

The bottom line with yesterday's communication is that we are finally able to open up the communication free from fear and judgement, and we both want what is in the other person's best interest. I want my wife to feel loved, secure and to able to connect with her husband on a deep and intimate level. I in essence want the same thing with my wife, I want the ability to share and connect with her. My only issue is that the love that I have can spill over to other women. I think we can work through this one.
 
Ending Co dependence.

I believe that monogamy allows or fosters co dependence, while polyamory is more likely to promote a healthy relationship. Of course there are exceptions, but I think as a rule practicing ethical non monogamy requires individuals to up their relationship game.

This last week was a vivid example of dysfunction versus surrender, acceptance and love.

This last weeks break down and break through was as follows. Let me first state that I have an overall goal and principle in my life of freedom. I am an independent contractor, I love being on my motorcycle, all things that resonate with my sense of freedom and being alive. Being poly and able to love is very important to me, doesn't mean that I have to be out there banging a bunch of woman, but I do need to be free to love and allow things to happen should it be organic.

In the therapists office I had a trigger that brought up previous abuse and feeling like I was being owned by my wife. It put me into a tailspin for several days. I did not want to be around my wife, nor was I happy. My wife sensed my sadness. From this she simply let go of the girlfriend thing and said "If you want to call your girlfriend or go see her it is ok, you can tell me or not tell me".

Previously I had agreed to temporarily take a break from communicating with my girlfriend so that my wife and I could work on our relationship. I did this by choice and my girlfriend agreed this would be best for a while, so we could work on our marriage. When something is by choice it is fine, but when forced upon you, it can be a prison. Seeing my girlfriend is not really the issue. Having somebody dictate to you how things are going to be and having this dictated to you in an abusive manner is the issue. This had been a previous modus opperandi of my wife which I had avoided by detaching from my wife. Detaching was the only way I knew how to deal. In reconnecting with my wife, I was willing to allow a little bit of co dependence as a way of reassuring her that everything was going to be ok. But the old style of her behavior was heavily laden with a dictatorial nature. This I could not allow. It was the dictatorial nature of this previous behavior that hit me with a PTSD type effect.

My wife was not being dictatorial, but I was reacting based upon our past dynamic. Her simple statement of "Go ahead and call or visit your girlfriend" melted my fears of being stuck in a co dependent mono relationship. I sensed in this statement, that my wife realized that there was nothing to fear in this relationship and simply moved to a space of surrender and love. Immediately I could tell that she was not attempting to control me and everything was going to be ok. It was an immediate reversal.

The one very difficult thing about these forums is picking up tone through the written word. When I communicate face to face with people I find myself listing to what they are saying intently. However, what they are saying has nothing to do with the words coming out of their mouth. It has everything to do with what their energy is saying about them. Often their energy and their words can be diametrically opposed.

The tone of my relationship with my wife is improving at a drastic pace. The back drop of negative mojo between us is fading away. My sense that I am going to be heavily judged when I share something difficult is fading and our ability to ask questions and expand a dialogue between us is improving drastically. We had a great ability to communicate early on, but somehow we lost it. It is returning.

A couple of notable things from this week. I went by myself to the local poly meet up. This is the second time I went. The first time my wife came with. I had a very nice time and felt very relaxed. I was able to tell my wife about who I met and about all of the interactions I had. For the most part I just talk with the other guys and the conversation is about sharing our journeys. But at this meetup there was a couple of notable exceptions. I had a nice conversation with a very good looking couple that seemed very at ease with themselves and had a very nice energy about themselves and their relationship. It would be nice for my wife to meet them if she comes next time. My second interesting encounter was it seems I was being "Unicorn" hunted. I only realized it after the fact. I had a nice extended conversation with a single lady. She noted that she was bi, and the topic of my wife came up. I stated that she was an "above the waste lesbian". She asking me if I was "Recruiting", I was somewhat miffed and said I wasn't recruiting, I was just "being" and just looking to get to know people better. When she realized that we weren't looking to be in a triad she immediately moved on. I was somewhat taken back by the quickness of how she severed our conversation.

I shared the evening with my wife and she shared her evening with me. It was very relaxed and no hint of fear or judgement. A really nice place to be. She even then asked me the next night, "You don't want to have gay sex". I kind of laughed, because I am pretty straight. What was nice about this was that she was being curious about what I want from poly. But I did thank her for asking this question. What is important is not the details of the conversation, but the tone. And the space between us is more better.

I did get a chance to call my girlfriend and let her know that my wife and I have made enough progress to restart communication. It was a month of not sharing what is happening with our lives. Which is entirely too long. I feel lucky to have been given this challenge of balancing this love in my life.

It has been a good week. :)
 
Today my wife had great spa day for about 20+ women. During the event I took my motorcycle for a ride and then visited my girlfriend for about 3 hours. It was wonderful. We haven't talked at all in the last 30 days, however, it only took about 5 minutes into the conversation until we busted each other up. There is a connectedness that is simply precious. When you have these rare opportunities to have relationships that are simply joyful, you foster them.

Thank God, I came to terms with the fact that this is a good thing. Monogamy says that this is dangerous, wrong, leading people on, jealousy provoking. Well this is just Bull Shit. Having love in your life is the greatest gift that we have here on this planet. To deny or turn love away is in my opinion truly blasphemous. Not the other way around.

Thank God my wife wants me to be happy and understands that connecting with people, whether they be male or female is part of who I am.
 
Merging my Two Selves

So it has been 1 year 4 months since I came out as poly to my wife. It has been very challenging, and I have gone very slowly.

I had a pretty big epiphany this week. My wife was out of the country with friends this last week, allowing my to be alone. My friends saw me return to the out going creature that they love and missed. But this pointed to the fact that when I have been with my wife, I have not been the authentic, genuine me. And this was exactly the reason I came out to my wife, I didn't want to lead a double life.

It has been a pretty long road of acceptance. These have been two areas of acceptance and work. One, my wife to accept that I will have other female friends in my life and two for me to feel safe, loved and willing to be open.

I had to handle quite a lot of verbal and emotional abuse from my wife through her drinking. This ended over a year ago, and it has taken this long for everybody's angst and anxiety to drop. It has taken over a year for her to realize that everything is going to be ok. And it has taken me over a year for me to feel safe to be myself in front of her.

What is my guage is not so much what our conversations might be, but our energy levels when we are together. I am somewhat of an empath, so if I sense my conversation isn't going to go over well, I will just keep my mouth shut. This then has me claming up and not sharing my life with my wife. If finally feels like I can just say what is on my mind.

This is now my work. I have to maintain a calmness within myself while around my wife so that I can share what is happening with me.

This has been a long road, but finally now if feels like the work can begin. All this work, just to get to the point where we can talk calmly about our desires, wants and needs.

A prerequisite for any couple to share is to feel safe, protected, loved, respected and not judged. This is the foundation by which open and honest communication can begin. A lot of couples don't have this space between them. If you do you are lucky, if not this space of trust needs to exist first. This has been the last years work.
 
Big Day....

Wow.... today was a BIG day. This was the first real serious conversation my wife and I have had. Let me say serious, because there was such a space of calm. Previously, we have talked but never in a thorough, rational, and loving space. This is the space that I / We have worked very hard to get to.

I started the conversation, with "This isn't an easy conversation but...". Most importantly my wife was in a very calm space and nothing I said upset her. I outlined how while I would like to have extra sexual relationships in addition to my marriage, nothing has happened because we haven't really thought things through. She says she would be OK with it, but again the mechanics haven't been thoroughly discussed.

Today's calm allowed for me to outline some of my thoughts. A - I don't want to be creepy, so I don't hit on people in the mono world. Being married and sexually suggestive would likely be perceived as creepy. I don't want to be weird in our circle of friends etc.. So I proposed that standard way to meet potential people is by dating your species on OkCupid or something like that, and that about 2 days ago, I started an account but didn't do anything more.

So far it has been a great conversation, as she asked about it, said we should complete my profile together and wanted to see what I started, which wasn't much. Everything was very good for about 5 hours, then she had some uneasiness and we discussed it.

Her concern is that she will not have anybody to talk to about it. I am very proud of her for identifying what would be a major concern. I immediately get that this simple need will likely derail me proceeding and her still feeling good about it. But we both want eachother to be happy, so I feel pretty confident that we will work through this.

Why, however, this is such a BIG day, is that this is exactly the type of conversation that I need to have, to be open and close to my wife. Our level of anxiety around our relationship finally feels safe and calm to where this type of conversation can exists. This is a really big deal.
 
Well the progress continues in such a BIG way. It seems like there is a whole paradigm shift.

Previously my wife had been very jealous of my platonic girlfriend that I speak to regularly, to the point of feeling very threatened. Not a good place to start if you want to open up a marriage. But everything has change. I can now tell my wife anything. My inherent fear of telling my wife things about myself and /or my relationship with my platonic girlfriend is GONE. I am now comfortable discussing anything with my wife. Previously, my wife would attack me verbally, so my ability to be straight forward was impacted.

In turn, she has completely given up the old way of jealous and being threatening to me behavior. Just a few BIG changes that have occurred in the last week. These are just a couple of positive points that have come up in the last week.

My wife suggested that I might want to go visit my girlfriend this last Friday when she was going out to dinner with her friend.

My wife now states that rather than seeing my girlfriend as an enemy, she sees her as an asset.

She invited my girlfriend to her girlfriends spa day.

She was a little concerned that if I went on a date, who would she talk to? And she thought the best person to talk to would be my girlfriend. And she was happy to hear that my girlfriend would welcome the opportunity.

It is awesomely unreal that all I have really wanted to do was to be able to love freely and this so threatened my wife, but now she has completely shifted to a more spiritual poly mindset.

I always knew that my wife had the capability to be an adventurous partner in crime, her insecurities just got the best of her for a while. Patience has paid off and our relationship has really started to turn.
 
BIG DAY !!!!!

Well last night my wife, my girlfriend and I hung out together. It was awesome.

We weren't' planning to get together, but my girlfriend got included into the party plans in a very organic way that just seemed to work.

From the moment my wife started interacting with my girlfriend there was laughter and camaraderie. While I am usually not he quiet one. I sat at the dinner table between the two and just let the conversation happen all around. Enveloped in a surreal happiness that just surrounded me.

My wife had finally let go of her fear and insecurity surrounding my girlfriend. It was sublime. On the way out the restaurant, I walked behind my wife and my girlfriend. I watched them talk and laugh. The body language of comfort and release permeated the air. It was clear that they were on the same team.

At the party, I got to sit with my girlfriend and watch my wife dance. My wife pretty much is the life of any party with music. Doesn't matter whether any one else is on the dance floor, my wife is tearing it up providing for a one woman dance review that entertains all. My girlfriend and I got to watch and see that my wife was taking everything in stride.

Today while on the phone with my girlfriend recapping the night. She noted how lovingly I looked at my wife. She told me to let my wife know that as long as I look at my wife like that, my wife has nothing to worry about. My girlfriend also knows that I look at her the same way.

It has been years of work to get to this point. For a LONG time on this forum I have felt like a poser, reading how all of you are living a poly life, yet my poly life was only a dream in my eye, and often I would feel like a fraud or failure living a lie. It has taken over 18 months of letting my wife know how much I love her, yet also staying true to my principles that the loving relationships in our lives are a gift. If my wife forced me to give up the gift of loving other people, then I would not be able to return to our marriage and love her.

This was never a threat, as I made it clear that I didn't want a divorce, but I also made it clear there was nothing wrong in my behavior and I wouldn't be changing and hopping back into a box to appease her insecurity. It really is fine line between sticking to your guns and not having it appear cruel. It required me to always come from love and be principle driven rather than ego driven.

Thank you to everyone here who shares their stories, their triumphs, their failures and their pain. It has helped to have the support and wisdom of this community as I have forged ahead to create a life of love that I have envisioned. Thank you!
 
BIG DAY !!!!!

...
Thank you to everyone here who shares their stories, their triumphs, their failures and their pain. It has helped to have the support and wisdom of this community as I have forged ahead to create a life of love that I have envisioned. Thank you!

Yay! :D

So happy for you to have come through your journey to this place!
 
Back
Top