Cheese's visit was a disaster. He won't be welcome back for a long time.
The online scene was terrible, and I am super grateful for my husband, loves and friends who pulled me through the nastiness.
And it feels like absolutely none of that matters because things are so amazing with Lance. I got very brave this past week and used my words deliberately. Before, I'd said, "you're welcome here," and, "I'm looking forward to showing you around my country/giving you a hug," but I'd been afraid to state the whole truth because I didn't want to scare him off or put him in an impossible situation. I'd previously said, "don't be here on your way to Jen, I couldn't bear it if we both knew you were itching to get there and couldn't be fully here." He thought about it for a moment, and agreed that he'd likely feel that way and no, it wouldn't be fair or what he wanted either.
But I took what I saw as a massive risk this week and told him that I wanted him here, more so than 'being welcome' conveys. Active replaced passive. He had already told me he was convinced he would be here (I don't know what's going on between him and Jen, but he's not been as depressed as he was, so maybe there's been a resolution) so I know my risk wasn't actually massive, intellectually, but I still felt extremely vulnerable.
Today, my Sunday, will be our regular weekly chat (next week is my last week on work placement for my course, so it's just occurred to me we can start a second weekly chat like we both have been wishing for but time zones haven't been working out). I don't know if there is going to be deep and meaningful conversation today. We've covered off a lot this week by text anyway. Yesterday, I gave what I perceive as my 'to do' list before he would get here, and in reality, I need a year of work that hasn't even started yet in order to save enough to have the road trip adventures I want to take him on. But there's also no way in hell it's going to be over a year before he's here (those better not be famous last words lol). Right now, I don't even know where I'll be working as the job application for the job I want doesn't get listed until the 5th of October. It would mean moving.
But first, passing my course. God help me I see every assignment as a chance to fail and be kicked off the course. I know that's not healthy, but I have to pass this year for financial reasons well beyond Lance arriving. And I really do love this career. I want it so badly.