Unicorns & Unicorn Hunters - Merged Threads, General Discussion

K, on the thread your h started called "Were new here and looking for insite[sic]", D said:

Gf claims she's done, and we went over and rescued her weds night after she had a blowup with him. She was convincing about wanting it to end and K and I were both biting our lips to keep from saying "right here stupid" everytime she mentioned things that she wanted in her life that we're comfortable sharing with her. As in "a good man," one that treats her with respect, etc.

Hope that helps clarify things.
 
still going strong

All to fulfill their husbands "dream".

I wonder how many triads we have lurking here on the boards are beyond the NEW point and still going strong?
We've been together over a year the NRE has wore off but we still love it and are quite happy.
 
As a wife of a triad. Posts like these hurt my heart
There is DH, Me, and our girlfriend. We began as a V with DH in the center and moved to a closed triad. I don't see anything wrong with couples looking for a third because that is what they are looking for. They have the ability to find someone to join them as someone who is looking for another partner. The problem lies in how the handle it. And I think that's why WE worm so well. From day 1 when she joined our family she was equal. There was no veto power. There was no couples privelage. Not saying that couples prive. Doesn't exist oh lord it is easy to have it pop up BUT it's how you handle it. As the wife (use that title because it's what I am. She's just as important to us but it's what I legally am so that's how I'm referring to myself) I work very hard to keep it in check and remember that I have no extra privaledges than she does. There aren't restrictions on whether they can talk text have sex etc. Just like there aren't with me and her. If we are all together and someone feels the need to have sex we will ask the other two. If one doesn't feel like it then it's free game. It isn't a rule or anything but what we do because we all enjoy being together and don't like leaving anyone out. We each work on our seperated relationships as well as our triad. DH and GF carve out time each week just the two of them. DH and me do the same. AND GF and I do the same because it's important and enjoyable.

We are very lucky to all care and live each other. I know that mine and her ralationship isn't as strong as him and hers and mine and his but that's ok. I don't expect her to fit a mold. She's been with him longer and so have I. It's only natural those relationships would be more cemented. But me and her grow closer and more in love everyday.

My point is that unicorn hunters aren't the problem it's how they handle the situation. If you expect a woman to come in and be perfect and not be equal or have a say or anything then more than likely someone will get hurt. If everyone is equal and honest and upfront and have the expectation that things will evolve as they evolve then it can be a wonderful and joyful experience. But I don't see how we would work out if I thought mine and DH's relationship is superior.

PS sorry if typos. On my phone and autocorrect hates me.
 
Thanks for sharing that happytriad; I think you made some good points.
 
Thanks for sharing that happytriad; I think you made some good points.

Thank you. I know not all triads work and there are people that are hurt by them whether intentional or not. And I wanted to share what works for us and to let everyone know what works for us. And that I completely understand how they can go bad and what we've done to avoid that.
 
Last night K and I went to the store and on the way we were talking, as people often do, and we finished our statement together, with the same words. Exactly. This is also what happened after visiting with our gf when she was commiserating about her "ex."

The fact that we did this in the manner expressed; "Right here, stupid," and "Call us, Silly," DOES NOT mean that we were CALLING HER or REFFERING TO HER as such. We care for her very deeply and would never think such negative thoughts about her as has been suggested, regardless as how its been interpreted.

I'm sure we aren't the only ones that have ever said such playful things in an attempt to lighten our troubled and frustrated mood. So get over yourself and back off that point.

(Edit) And just to clear up one last thing, gf has ALL THE POWER as she does not live with us and chooses when she will or will not have contact with us. She has not responded to us for days at a time, we have had no contact with her for the last two days and respect her enough that we will not even drive by her house to even make sure she is alright. Let alone stop by unannounced to push matters. If she wants "space" we give it to her regardless of the stress it creates for us.
 
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I didn't want to start a new thread so write to this

Unicorn Hunters do exist. sad but true.

I had girlfriends who have been in search for another pair for relationship. From experience can tell
that 50% of all pairs are 100% Unicorn hunters if compare to the most common description about
Unicorn hunters. 30 % of couples fit half of that description. Last 20% are more open with their wishes.

I apologise for my poor writing skills, English not my native language
Also new to this forum.
 
Hi greyline15, welcome, your percentages sound about right to me.
 
I hate it too. I hate that it has to be so negative. I hate that the idea of wanting to share your love and relationship with a third, that doting on someone, that spoiling someone the way you spoil one another has to be so negative. I also hate that hoping she will love you both has to be negative. I grew up loving unicorns (ya know,t he real mythical unicorns) so to me, it is a term of endearment. And for a brief time, we found our unicorn. It turns out she wasn't quite ready for the questions that came along with being with a married couple, but otherwise, all she said was that we made her happy. That was all I wanted. They are real, they do exist, and it doesn't have to be negative.
 
Calling someone a third just shows that you just don't get it at all.
 
"share your love and relationship" Share what you already have as in fit her into your existing life or as in actually try to build something new based on her wants/needs the way you would in any other relationship?
"hoping she will love both" Hoping or requiring?

"for a brief time" "she wasn't quite ready" I hate to be so cynical, but I feel like I know the most likely answers to my questions based on these phrases...
 
I hate it too. I hate that it has to be so negative. I hate that the idea of wanting to share your love and relationship with a third... has to be so negative...

You can't "share" the love in your dyad with another person. "We brought a girl into our marriage." What does that even mean? Even parents don't "share the love" they have for each other with their child. Mom love Dad, and vice versa. Mom loves Baby. Dad loves Baby. Baby loves Mom. Baby loves Dad. Or sometimes Baby isn't too into Dad, especially at first. Or sometimes Dad isn't quite ready to be a dad and doesn't much love his kid, neglecting her needs. Or sometimes Mom has PPD and doesn't feel much love for Baby in the first few months.

Baby might grow to witness the love her parents have for each other, and appreciate it, as her needs are being met from both of them. (Heh, sometimes Mom and Dad don't have much time to show their own love for each other when up to their knees in diapers, toys and spilled food. Ever go a month or more with no sex when you've got several rug rats running the show at home?)

Or, as Freud would say, Baby might grow to resent the love her parents have for each other, and desire to kill one or the other of them! :eek:

for a brief time, we found our unicorn. It turns out she wasn't quite ready for the questions that came along with being with a married couple, but otherwise, all she said was that we made her happy. That was all I wanted.

If all you want is to make "a third" happy for a "brief time," well then. Have fun with that. :confused: She must have had unmet needs that caused her to break up with both of you. I'd find that sad and frustrating, myself.

I do see some kind of parents/child dynamic often in a triad. Unicorn hunters looking for a "girl" exposes this strange issue.
 
Merging these threads is a great idea, but....the first several pages have just a ton of jokey fluff. If I were a unicorn or her hunter and was referred to this thread for info, I probably would give up after the first few pages, which are really all nonsense, well before any good info/advice is presented. I wonder if it's ethical for mods to cut out all the jokey one liners and silly stuff and keep the meat of the topic. Just a thought.
 
Whoops, I included a joke thread by mistake. I've removed it to the Fireplace forum. The rest of this thread should be (mostly) serious now.


Please note: It is much easier to read long discussion threads if you set your default view to 40 posts per page. To do that, click on the "User CP" link at top. It will take you to your personal "User Control Panel" page. Scroll down to "Edit Options" on the menu at left, and then look for "Number of Posts to Show Per Page" in the "Thread Display Options" section, which is a little more than halfway down the page. Select "Show 40 Posts Per Page" and voila!
 
I despise the "unicorn" label. When we first realized that we as a couple wanted to explore polyamory....we encountered this label and laughed about it. As we got further into our emotional journey, spiritually figuring out what worked for us, what did not, who we wanted in our lives...we did date a few women who would be called a "unicorn" by the poly community. I remember telling one of them what it meant, and it really truly offended her that she was some target of "hunters" seemingly in a predatory way (Not us of course). The woman we are with now shuns all aspects of that word if she sees or hears it and so do we. She is not a creature, she is not ours to stalk, she belongs to herself and gives her love freely to the both of us, NOT because she is Bisexual...but because she is an amazing woman who is on this journey with us as an equal.
 
we did date a few women who would be called a "unicorn" by the poly community.

No they wouldn't, that's the whole point. Unicorns do not exist. It's not a "label" because there are no real live people to whom it applies.

If you and your partner have been treating women like unicorns, then shame on you. That's no way to treat anybody.

Unicorns are women who don't have needs of their own, or at least whose needs are tertiary, and whose sole relationship goal in life is to be with two people and serve their every whim and fancy.

Unicorns are like Prince Charmings. They're an ideal never realized by actual human people. And colloquially, unicorn is used the same way: women will say they've found their Prince Charming, even though everyone knows he's not literally perfect.

I've met exactly one real person who fit the general description of a unicorn. She's a D/s lifestyler and she's slave to a married couple. She willingly gives them control over her romance and sex life, she's available for them when they want her otherwise she keeps to herself.

Because that's pretty much what couples are describing when we call them unicorn hunters, but they don't want to admit they're looking for a slave, not an equal partner. They might even say that her needs will be important too, which is good because otherwise they'd be shitty Doms, and that's reprehensible.

So maybe you and your partner are Doms, or one of you is and the other's a sub. I don't know. But I'm guessing that what you really had instead of "unicorns" was just women who happened to date both of you, and maybe there was even some good balance for most of the relationship. And that's fantastic, but it's not unicornism.
 
No they wouldn't, that's the whole point. Unicorns do not exist. It's not a "label" because there are no real live people to whom it applies.

If you and your partner have been treating women like unicorns, then shame on you. That's no way to treat anybody.

Hi, not sure if you even read my response...I do not think you did or you wouldnt have just misquoted me and then attempted to school me.
maybe read more, react quicker less.
 
I do not think you did or you wouldnt have just misquoted me and then attempted to school me.

You're not the only one I'm trying to educate, so don't take it personally. There is so much misconception about what this whole unicorn hunter thing means, and your post:

we did date a few women who would be called a "unicorn" by the poly community.

only perpetuated the myth by implying there were real live women who could be considered unicorns. Because there aren't.

I remember telling one of them what it meant

Let's go back. Why do you say they would be called unicorns? What did you tell your friend that unicorn means?
 
when you say "shame on you" to someone who is just trying to be open in a community, where otherwise I have slim pickings in my town (and by slim I mean I do not want to hang with them) . I take it personally.

me saying we dated women who would be considered a "unicorn" by the poly community...meant MY town...the poly groups that I have run into. I agree...there are not unicorns. I hate the term. which leads me to your next question....when we were starting to date this woman she did not know anything about what Poly meant, she knew about us from a bar we all hung out at...heard some things...and researched it. It came up in conversation ..the word "unicorn" and she was confused (as I was when I started looking online!) we explained to her the general knowledge we had from our experience. Which might not be what you see as a unicorn, it really does not matter what I think it means. This is what is wrong with labels!

I am not perpetuating any myth, but I believe in open communication. If any of us see a word and want to debunk it and throw it out, we will and move onto the next. I find it freeing.
 
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me saying we dated women who would be considered a "unicorn" by the poly community...meant MY town...the poly groups that I have run into.

I still don't get what prompted them to call her that. Do you mean the people in your town actually call any bi woman a unicorn if she happens to be dating two people who are also dating each other? Cuz that's just screwed up.

Which might not be what you see as a unicorn, it really does not matter what I think it means. This is what is wrong with labels!

Yeah, and it gets even more confusing when you come across women who've chosen to embrace the label because their preference is dating couples. Which I'm forced to accept based on my fundamental principle of always allowing people to choose their own labels and have them mean whatever the fuck they want, even if it makes no fucking sense. :p

I am not perpetuating any myth, but I believe in open communication. If any of us see a word and want to debunk it and throw it out, we will and move onto the next. I find it freeing.

Fair enough. I can see how if you have a personal history with a term being used inappropriately at you in a derogatory sense, it's very reasonable to just want to see that term eradicated.
 
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