Well, folks, I am actually now at peace with telling everyone the wedding has been postponed. It is some of the only peace I have know in the last month.
As we barreled towards our wedding date, my fiance persisted in drinking to the point of drunkenness every day. He was emotionally unavailable and totally unaffectionate. He's depressed. He knew it was exacerbating the depression and he kept on with it, even after we had talked about it.
Day before yesterday, I got upset about it again, and said that it was not fair to me or to our relationship or to our impending marriage for him to keep on drinking and not be present with me and not resolve anything. He was pissed but when he woke up the next day he apologized for being a mess, and for drinking and vowed to stop drinking and accept help for his depression from me.
Then last night, former GF called him up and asked him to go out for a drink and he didn't think to ask me along until I said it bugged me. (In all fairness, I actually don't drink, but often just go along for the ride). So I said I really couldn't go because I had so much stuff that needed to be done for the wedding. (I have been carrying nearly all the burden of prepairing for the wedding due to his depression and also lingering guilt about having been not that great to him in the earlier planning process)
I didn't expect this response in myself, but when he got home, it bugged me significantly that he was out with our ex-GF while things were not kosher at home. Not that I think that they would get up to anything. I just wanted him home, emotionally present with me on the first night he promised to stop drinking. I don't really feel okay with them seeing each other one on one until things are good between me and him.
The thing with my fiance is that he is very very very sensitive to feeling pushed around or required to do something, due to issues with family and others during his childhood and adolescence.
So, I want a verbalized commitment that he won't see her one on one until things are square between he and I. Instead he wants me to be satisfied with him saying that it will solve the problem when he and I are happy again. Unwilling to make the verbal commitment because it is "coerced", he wanted to have me accept something more general.
I don't think I coerced him or did anything unusual. I said it would hurt my feelings for him to see ex-GF under these circumstances, and that I just needed to hear him say he wouldn't.
He became hurt and angry. He wanted empathy for me, but I had little to give, because inside my head, I was going "this is ridiculous". Why should I have to tiptoe around this sensitivity like this? It's not reasonable. Why should his exagerated need to feel completely uncoerced outweigh what I feel is a really legitimate desire on my part for him to specifically say that because it matters to me, because it would hurt my feelings for him to do so, that he will take a break from seeing ex-GF.
It seems so easy. It was so hard.
In retrospect, I might not have pushed so hard on this point in light of the fact that he was already working on his depression, but I felt our wedding day looming. Already a lot of alarming things have surfaced about his behavior under stress and grief situations. And when he started doing this, I was like fuck it, add this to the stuff you are working on.
This is why I reached the point of being at peace with postponing the wedding. Too little time to fix stuff like this. Too Much Pressure.
Now he is super mad, refusing to do things that might help his depression, barely speaking to me. Basically back to wallowing, although so far minus the alchohol.
Are my behavior or thoughts crazy? Help give me some perspective. Please.
Ps. ex-GF is not a cowgirl, and fiance doesn't intend to leave me for her.
As we barreled towards our wedding date, my fiance persisted in drinking to the point of drunkenness every day. He was emotionally unavailable and totally unaffectionate. He's depressed. He knew it was exacerbating the depression and he kept on with it, even after we had talked about it.
Day before yesterday, I got upset about it again, and said that it was not fair to me or to our relationship or to our impending marriage for him to keep on drinking and not be present with me and not resolve anything. He was pissed but when he woke up the next day he apologized for being a mess, and for drinking and vowed to stop drinking and accept help for his depression from me.
Then last night, former GF called him up and asked him to go out for a drink and he didn't think to ask me along until I said it bugged me. (In all fairness, I actually don't drink, but often just go along for the ride). So I said I really couldn't go because I had so much stuff that needed to be done for the wedding. (I have been carrying nearly all the burden of prepairing for the wedding due to his depression and also lingering guilt about having been not that great to him in the earlier planning process)
I didn't expect this response in myself, but when he got home, it bugged me significantly that he was out with our ex-GF while things were not kosher at home. Not that I think that they would get up to anything. I just wanted him home, emotionally present with me on the first night he promised to stop drinking. I don't really feel okay with them seeing each other one on one until things are good between me and him.
The thing with my fiance is that he is very very very sensitive to feeling pushed around or required to do something, due to issues with family and others during his childhood and adolescence.
So, I want a verbalized commitment that he won't see her one on one until things are square between he and I. Instead he wants me to be satisfied with him saying that it will solve the problem when he and I are happy again. Unwilling to make the verbal commitment because it is "coerced", he wanted to have me accept something more general.
I don't think I coerced him or did anything unusual. I said it would hurt my feelings for him to see ex-GF under these circumstances, and that I just needed to hear him say he wouldn't.
He became hurt and angry. He wanted empathy for me, but I had little to give, because inside my head, I was going "this is ridiculous". Why should I have to tiptoe around this sensitivity like this? It's not reasonable. Why should his exagerated need to feel completely uncoerced outweigh what I feel is a really legitimate desire on my part for him to specifically say that because it matters to me, because it would hurt my feelings for him to do so, that he will take a break from seeing ex-GF.
It seems so easy. It was so hard.
In retrospect, I might not have pushed so hard on this point in light of the fact that he was already working on his depression, but I felt our wedding day looming. Already a lot of alarming things have surfaced about his behavior under stress and grief situations. And when he started doing this, I was like fuck it, add this to the stuff you are working on.
This is why I reached the point of being at peace with postponing the wedding. Too little time to fix stuff like this. Too Much Pressure.
Now he is super mad, refusing to do things that might help his depression, barely speaking to me. Basically back to wallowing, although so far minus the alchohol.
Are my behavior or thoughts crazy? Help give me some perspective. Please.
Ps. ex-GF is not a cowgirl, and fiance doesn't intend to leave me for her.
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