Hello,
I am not sure if this is the right section for this post, but here it goes:
I am a guy who has been monogamous all of my life, and I am a conservative libertarian who is also a Germanic pagan. I have been betrayed over mutliple relationships. I am in the middle of a divorce with a woman who went off of the rails with her cheating. I had asked her if she desired an open marriage (not that I would have agreed) because she was cheating but would not agree to a divorce. She didn't say yes or no. I filed because she is a serial cheater who is also a liar, and obviously toxic and unstable.
I entered into a new relationship with a woman expressing that she was exiting a relationship. We had a mutual attraction and desire over the last few years, but we chose not to cross lines and have an affair. We eventually began an affair, a couple of months after I filed. She broke things off with the man she was living with, though she lived over an hour away, and he tried to salvage their relationship.
She told me about her kinks, and I shared mine. She said she had been in poly relationships in the past, yet she never implied that being in one was a requirement for her. The man she lives with exhibits cluster b traits, and had treated her poorly.
She recently went to his place to pack her things, and ended up sending me messages that she realized she loves us both, and has sexual and emotional desires for us both. She asked if I can be patient with her while she works this out. However, she eventtually says if she can't have us both, she will be unhappy, and is considering leaving the situation entirely. She apologized for not being honest with herself which in turn hurt me, and said she should have been single to heal before entering into a relationship with me, and asked if in lieu of ending things, I would consider being her primary in a relationship, with this guy being the secondary.
Both of us (me, and the "ex") are not thrilled. I emotionally prepared myself to walk if necessary, but this "ex" is basically a cuck. He treated her like garbage (I have heard this from her famiky and friends, and witnessed it first hand,) but he has zero confidence with women and thus will consider the poly.
I have an issue with all of this. If I were to agree to this, I would feel like a cuck. I would feel dirty having sex with her knowing she is having sex with him. Our children from previous relationships are attached, and I would be taking care of all of them and feel that I am putting in all of the work while her time with the childless ex is all "fun and games."
I told her that no matter what happens, someone is going to get hurt. There are many reasons to stay and try, as we have a lot in common and the love I feel is beyond that I have ever experienced, though I understand that I can get over her and find someone new, someday.
I am looking for insight. I am already aware of the moral/ethical implications of how the relationship began. This "ex" brought her to me more than once, and used his professional skills to help me, knowing full well that she was sleeping in my bed. My issues is that I am a monogamous person, I thought this "ex" was going to be history, I don't know if I can handle the stresses of a primary life while the secondary gets to have some of her time physically and emotionally for no effort or work, and that she gets all of the benefits while I make the sacrifices.
I view polyamory as a utopian ideal where my life will be spent in a dystopian state of mind and emotion. I have a form of ocd which requires that aspects of my life are in harmonious balance. If she is having sex with another man, I will require a secondary relationship of my own, despite my monogamy, in order to offset my sacrifice (and not feeling like a cuck.) She knows many poly women and has offered to intoduce me to some of them, as long as we maintain our primary relationship, because she wants to have that with me for life, regardless of the presence of secondary partners.
I am not sure if this is the right section for this post, but here it goes:
I am a guy who has been monogamous all of my life, and I am a conservative libertarian who is also a Germanic pagan. I have been betrayed over mutliple relationships. I am in the middle of a divorce with a woman who went off of the rails with her cheating. I had asked her if she desired an open marriage (not that I would have agreed) because she was cheating but would not agree to a divorce. She didn't say yes or no. I filed because she is a serial cheater who is also a liar, and obviously toxic and unstable.
I entered into a new relationship with a woman expressing that she was exiting a relationship. We had a mutual attraction and desire over the last few years, but we chose not to cross lines and have an affair. We eventually began an affair, a couple of months after I filed. She broke things off with the man she was living with, though she lived over an hour away, and he tried to salvage their relationship.
She told me about her kinks, and I shared mine. She said she had been in poly relationships in the past, yet she never implied that being in one was a requirement for her. The man she lives with exhibits cluster b traits, and had treated her poorly.
She recently went to his place to pack her things, and ended up sending me messages that she realized she loves us both, and has sexual and emotional desires for us both. She asked if I can be patient with her while she works this out. However, she eventtually says if she can't have us both, she will be unhappy, and is considering leaving the situation entirely. She apologized for not being honest with herself which in turn hurt me, and said she should have been single to heal before entering into a relationship with me, and asked if in lieu of ending things, I would consider being her primary in a relationship, with this guy being the secondary.
Both of us (me, and the "ex") are not thrilled. I emotionally prepared myself to walk if necessary, but this "ex" is basically a cuck. He treated her like garbage (I have heard this from her famiky and friends, and witnessed it first hand,) but he has zero confidence with women and thus will consider the poly.
I have an issue with all of this. If I were to agree to this, I would feel like a cuck. I would feel dirty having sex with her knowing she is having sex with him. Our children from previous relationships are attached, and I would be taking care of all of them and feel that I am putting in all of the work while her time with the childless ex is all "fun and games."
I told her that no matter what happens, someone is going to get hurt. There are many reasons to stay and try, as we have a lot in common and the love I feel is beyond that I have ever experienced, though I understand that I can get over her and find someone new, someday.
I am looking for insight. I am already aware of the moral/ethical implications of how the relationship began. This "ex" brought her to me more than once, and used his professional skills to help me, knowing full well that she was sleeping in my bed. My issues is that I am a monogamous person, I thought this "ex" was going to be history, I don't know if I can handle the stresses of a primary life while the secondary gets to have some of her time physically and emotionally for no effort or work, and that she gets all of the benefits while I make the sacrifices.
I view polyamory as a utopian ideal where my life will be spent in a dystopian state of mind and emotion. I have a form of ocd which requires that aspects of my life are in harmonious balance. If she is having sex with another man, I will require a secondary relationship of my own, despite my monogamy, in order to offset my sacrifice (and not feeling like a cuck.) She knows many poly women and has offered to intoduce me to some of them, as long as we maintain our primary relationship, because she wants to have that with me for life, regardless of the presence of secondary partners.
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