I’m trying to decide if my crappy day has been a product of sickness or of poly stuff. I’m choosing to blame the sickness.
For background, Guitarist and Purr had a dyad date last night. I was home alone at the time, and I actually had a really good time by myself. I made hummus and pitas while watching Chopped (pitas from scratch are about a 2 hour process, just long enough in the middle to shell chickpeas for some really smooth hummus), ate them with a little scotch (we’re talking less than half a shot, just enough for the smoky peaty flavor to complement the hummus), took a long bath with a book and a vanilla candle, did some masturbating, and decided it was time for bed. I didn’t take the nighttime flu medicine because I don’t like taking any chances with alcohol+Tylenol.
I spent most of the night coughing myself awake, which mean that I vividly remembered my horrible nightmares. They were part zombie apocalypse, in which I was bit and someone had to cut off my arm to save me, and I was watching over someone’s children, and then I had to reorganize a grocery store with color-coded carpet sections. Have I mentioned that I get panic attacks in grocery stores? One-armed zombie apocalypse grocery store reorganization is pretty high up there on my nightmare list.
Anyway, when I woke up Guitarist came in to cuddle me a little bit. He bubbled about his date with Purr, and some compersion was had, but the dog was outside barking at the neighbors and really annoying me so I couldn’t really enjoy it. I definitely woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I suggested we do some cheese, since we had some very soft honey goat’s cheese that I didn’t want to go bad. In my mind, to “do cheese” is to enjoy some cheese together on the couch and watch a show… because that’s what we call it every time we watch a show. We “do wine” or we “do cheese” or we “do wine and cheese.” Guitarist was all like, yes cheese, so I went into the kitchen and started slicing apples.
At that point I asked what Guitarist wanted to watch with the cheese, and he was all like, oh I’ll just take mine back to my computer. Mood crash at abruptly changed plans, feelings of rejection ensue. I immediately wanted to start crying, but I really hate crying and it makes me feel manipulative, so I got angry instead.
I was like, I thought we were going to do cheese? And he was all, well I want to play my video game. I said some version of a clearly upset “fine whatever.” I was feeling very righteously upset, too, since I’m sick, I was looking at 48 straight hours of solo-house-time, I basically won’t get to see him again until Thursday … and he can’t spare more than 15 minutes away from his video game (which he was playing for hours before I got up!) to give me some time? I didn’t really feel like my anger was misplaced.
I took my apples and cheese to the couch. Guitarist hovered around for a minute or two with a puppy dog expression before I told him to GTFO, because he clearly didn’t want to spend time with me and I no longer want to spend time with him anyway. Guitarist retreated and my anger faded, to be replaced with depression and the mid-chest singularity and the vague teary-eyed feeling of horribleness.
So I had a pretty bad morning. After I finished my Apples and Cheese of Sadness, the rest of the morning I spent moping around, trying to work on my NaNoWriMo prep and not doing it very well, not wanting to see Guitarist or really have anything to do with anyone.
I talked about it with Guitarist before he went to bed, and we cuddled a little, and I’m feeling marginally better. But it still has ruined what was basically supposed to be my last relaxing day before I have to go back to work tomorrow. He said he didn’t mean to hurt my feelings. Well duh. He did anyway.
So I’ve been trying to decide whether it was any jealous/insecurity reaction to Guitarist’s dyad date with Purr, the first one he’s been on with her while I’m at home in quite some time. I really don’t think it was. It didn’t have any hallmarks of my last wibblefest, where I was depressed and obsessing over them having a good time together while I was lonely. I actually wasn’t feeling all that lonely last night, and I had a good time by myself. I think this was 'just' a relationship issue, not a poly issue.
I was feeling lonely and needy this morning because I’d had a bad night’s sleep. That had nothing to do with their date and everything to do with me being sick. And then it looked like Guitarist was going to spend a little time with me, I was relieved and felt like my neediness was getting met, only to have the rug pulled out from under me at the last minute. I don’t do changes in plans well even when I’m feeling good. I wasn’t annoyed at Purr, I was annoyed at Guitarist’s stupid video game. It made me feel like I’m valued less to him than a video game that still would have been there an hour later. It’s not like I was asking for his whole fucking day.
Anyway, we talked about it a little before he went to bed. I told him that I was feeling rejected and why, but I’m not sure that he quite understood. In Guitarist’s defense, he’s switching his schedule back to third shift, so he’s a little tired and loopy. Afterward, he asked if I wanted to cuddle him to sleep. I said, I feel like that would be rewarding you for behaving badly. He said, maybe look at it as rewarding yourself after having a bad day. I said, in that case I’m going to decline because I don’t particularly want to cuddle right now. He said, well I would like to cuddle.
So I went ahead and cuddled him, trying to do so in the spirit of forgiveness, and I do feel a little better. But I’m still quite resentful about that stupid video game. I want to say, in a very hurt and sarcastic voice, “I hope the extra thirty minutes of video game time was worth it.”
And that’s where I’m at right now. I’ve been trying to get other things done today, but I might as well give it up and just play a video game myself or watch some TV. Putting it all down has certainly made me feel a little better, a little less unstable, and a little more reasonable. But I think today is pretty much shot.
In good news, tomorrow should be better. I've been off flu medicine all day and my fever has broken, so that's a good sign. If nothing else, I have an after-work date with Marian to look forward too and I'm seeing Purr on Tuesday. Both of these things improve my mood.