The Accidental Polyamorist

Sex and Sexting in a LDR

The downside of a LDR... I've really been missing sex and touch lately.

So much so that I've spent a little time this week pondering/fantasising ("sandboxing") about the possibility of finding myself a casual FWB, someone local, even though the deal with Jester, Boho and I is that we intend to remain closed for the foreseeable future.

I didn't get into all this with either of them, as I know I was just allowing myself to mentally run with the notion a little while... although I did touch on the subject with my adult daughter and another friend.

Thing is, I know Jester would not have a problem with it in the slightest, and even Boho has said (in the past) that she would deal with it IF such a thing ever came to pass, but I know I'D be somewhat less cool about it if it were either of them taking on another lover, and frankly, our group dynamic has FINALLY gotten to a point of stability, peace and happy anticipation re: future planning, that I'd be really loath to mess that up.

Anyway... I was glad and grateful to enjoy a lengthy and very intimate sexting session with Boho a couple of days ago. It was thoroughly fulfilling, even given the physical distance between us. The woman sure has a way with words! Visuals weren't even necessary. Seriously, I cannot wait to see her in person in a few weeks and I know she is equally as excited. Touch is most definitely Boho's favoured Love Language, and I intend to satisfy her every need in that regard.

Jester has been kinda slacking in regard to showing interest in anything sexual, and I finally felt I needed to say something about it after my encounter with Boho. As enjoyable and fulfilling as that was, I NEED to feel Jester also desires me, as I do him. To his credit, he promised we'd do something about it... and today, I ambushed him earlier than expected in our group chat... and was pleased (and slightly surprised) that he was ready and "up" for it within seconds.

I decided to go there in the 3-way group chat just to be a little tease at first, and because I thought either one, or the other, or both, might find it fun and get some enjoyment out of my multi-media antics. Boho is usually the more forthcoming, sexually, especially if things are more spontaneous... but this time, real-life intervened and she was forced to play the role of voyeur more than participant. I don't think she really minded though... and afterwards I made sure she was taken care of and knew she was loved, wanted and cherished.

P.S. Long distance is HARD (teehee). Luckily we three are quite imaginative, creative folk.
 
Counting Down!

Only three weeks until I meet up with Boho in Europe!

We're both sooo excited. This will be our first in-person get together since mid-last year. (LDR problems, ugh.)

There is still so much to do in the meantime, including another trip to see my parents - where hopefully not too many awkward questions will arise. Out of all my close family, only my aging parents do not know about my current multi-relationship situation.

A lot to attend to in the health and mental health realm also. Thankfully I've been able to schedule all specialist appointments around my trips.
 
Back from seeing Boho, and better than ever!

Well, I've just got back from spending two weeks in Europe with my female partner, Boho, and despite the incredible jetlag, I'm feeling on top of the world about our situation.

Our second in-person, intercontinental meeting couldn't have gone more smoothly. There was no "getting re-acquainted" nerves; no awkwardness socially or sexually.

Of course, the dynamics were different this time, as Jester wasn't present. It was just us girls, and although I (we) missed him, in a way it made things far less complicated emotionally, as there was no need to try and balance attention between two lovers and no reason for any jealousy or insecurity to crop up.

At the moment I feel extremely happy and positive about my planned permanent move to The States. I'll visit their country again for a few weeks at the end of the year - during which I'll spend time with both Jester and Boho together - after which we'll really have to start firming up plans.
 
New Friends and Old

A number of months ago, I befriended a guy online - let's call him Hart - who is extremely intelligent, witty and creative. In fact he reminds me a LOT of Jester. The two not only share many of the same positive attributes, but also display some similar "challenging" traits.

Hart and I get on really well as friends, but there is also that frisson of something extra. A few weeks ago, he mentioned he'd be interested in meeting me in person one day, with a view to maybe becoming involved romantically. (He knows I'm in a poly relationship.)

The thing is, a mutual friend recently broke up with him; breaking his Hart's heart in the process. I made it clear to him that I'm in a closed V, and am kind of "poly-saturated" right now - though I didn't tell him my partners know of his existence in my life and aren't really keen on him. I'm loath to give him false hope for any kind of future involvement or meeting, but I also don't wish to end the friendship which we both enjoy and seems harmless.

Meanwhile, Jester is being distant again, which almost makes me reconsider the above...

Boho and I however, are going full steam ahead with our research into my impending move to the US. There is so much info to wade through... legal redtape to traverse, and property/financial stuff we both have settle in our own separate domains, before we can take any actual steps to be together.

I am excited though. Mentally and emotionally, I am beginning to wind up my life and ties here, and am trying to make myself more knowledge about "Stateside" systems.
 
A Sad Parting

After wavering for the better part of a year, I finally broke things off with Jester. When I say "broke things off", I'm not a hundred percent sure where we'll end up. At the moment, our relationship is on hiatus - no contact - until my visit to the States in December.

This trip has already been booked and paid for. Boho and I are stronger than ever, so no matter what happens with Jester in the meantime (if anything), the plan still stands. She and I will go ahead and spend Christmas together. Jester is welcome to join us if he feels inclined. If not... "oh well".

That is how I'm feeling about him at the moment, though I was devastated in the immediate aftermath of the break-up. I still love him a great deal - and I think he still loves me - but we have totally different needs and communication styles, and those differences get more difficult to deal with as the years go on.

I'm not obtrusive in my communication attempts, but "space" can eventually become emptiness if a relationship is left untended for too long. My needs were rarely being met by him, and despite his promising to do better each time we'd argue about it, he could never consistently show me the kind of loving care and attention I need to thrive and feel secure, wanted, and of interest to him as a partner.

This has effected my self esteem and mental health long enough, and now I'm feeling stronger, thanks to improved physical health, a change of meds and a good therapist... I knew it was time to call a halt to the emotional torture I was putting myself through by staying.
 
Luna, I hadnt checked in on your blog recently (dealing with my own breakup with Kahlo, and death of our dog). I am sorry you're hurting. I am glad though, that you feel well enough to break up since Jester was no longer meeting your needs. Not that he ever did a stellar job at it.

Glad your meeting with Boho went well though!
 
Thank you for your kind words, Magdlyn. I have been reading your own blog with interest (perhaps the wrong word) lately, and was aware of what happened with Kahlo (and the dog), so I understand you've been stressed and sad. Ahh, poly. I know these are all learning experiences, I just wish we could come to such wisdom without all the painful crap.

*******

And speaking of my break-up with Jester...

I had decided to go "no contact" for at least a month, as seems to be the generally agreed upon advice re: these situations. He was never cruel, didn't cheat on me or the like, so I didn't wish to be petty by unfriending or blocking him on social media (which is clearly a necessary move in certain situations).

He hasn't messaged me or made direct contact since I ended things, and nor have I. However, in the past day or two, he's responded to a few of my (non personal) posts with friendly-but-non-personal comments.

I'm not sure what to make of this or how to respond, frankly. I HAD hoped he'd understand implicitly that I don't desire any kind of verbal exchange or social chit-chat with him at this early stage. It's not helpful. Unfortunately, in order to make this clear(er) I may have to private message him if he persists, which is what I'd been trying to avoid. Ugh.

I've been coping okay this past week, though smoking too much which I'll have to stop. My daughter (who lives with me) and I took a roadtrip this weekend to visit my grown son who lives some hours away from us, which put me in a better frame of mind.

I see my psychologist tomorrow, which should also help.
 
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On the weekend, I decided I must call Jester and explicitly state that I don't want him to message me anymore or comment on my social media posts, because it's really not helping my emotional state and is only setting up expectations/feeding the feelings I'm trying to get past.

I don't have any ill feeling towards him, or not much, and don't want to block him completely because we are super long distance and it's really my only way of contacting him IF I really need to. I knew he'd agree without argument and so he did.

Yet I am still experiencing a lot of sadness, hurt and a barely controlled urge to reach out to him daily - figuratively and literally - even though *I* was the one to end things between us.

What makes this harder is that I know any overtures would be welcomed by him, so it's tempting to stay in contact if only "as friends". However, I recognise that doing so at this stage will not aid in my own healing process, and I have learnt by experience that Jester cannot be trusted to remain consistent in his communication, which would hurt even if our deal was platonic.
 
Boho became really ill the weekend before last, and although I begged her to go to a doctor several times, she didn't until Friday afternoon when she could no longer stand the pain.

Turns out she has a serious bacteria-borne illness that requires anti-biotic treatment for the next month. Even then, she may experience significant related health issues. Naturally I am extremely concerned for her well-being; made all the more difficult due to the distance and not being able help her in any practical way. :(

Boho was asleep when I got her message, so I called Jester to see if he knew already (he did) and we had a brief chat about Boho's condition and not much else, after which we resumed our state of no-contact.

Today I had another session with my psychologist, during which we discussed the current dynamic between the three of us (Jester and Boho are still on friendly terms and communicating semi-regularly) and went into some more detail about the past history and lead-up to what is now the status quo.

It was a great relief to debrief to someone outside the situation who could intuit exactly where each of us "went wrong" in the past (and express this in a non-judgemental way) and pinpoint future "danger zones" in trying to regain/maintain any sort of relationship that includes the three of us, platonic friendship included.
 
I must've done something right

These days my "kids" are my rock. I'm including my daughter who lives with me, her best friend/family friend who lives next door, daughter's boyfriend who often stays over, and my son who comes to stay every second weekend or so.

They're all adults in their early 20s, and very mature, "together" people. They know about, and accept my relationship situation as normal, and have been very supportive.

What with Jester and I currently broken up/on hiatus/not in touch for the foreseeable future, Boho quite ill and less communicative than normal, and me being fairly isolated due to anxiety and agoraphobia, it's nice to have some adult company around the place.
 
Jester's housemate died yesterday. This sad event resulted in he and I messaging back and forth a number of times, though we didn't actually speak on the phone. I'm worried about him... both financially, and because this is the second close friend he's lost in as many months.

I realise it's not something I have any control over and it won't change our current situation (on hiatus, as romantic partners) but it sucks just the same.

In the midst of all this, my ex-husband Red flew into town to stay a few days with me and the kids. He was supposed to leave Sunday, but his new fiancée had some family emergency and he just left to go support her with that. I can tell my daughter Lola was disappointed, because she barely got to see him, due to her work schedule and Red's early departure.

Before he left, we did manage to discuss our impending divorce and division of assets, which will hopefully come into effect during the next month or so.

It's been a trying time all round, especially since Boho is still quite ill from the side effects of on-going treatment for the infection she picked up a few weeks ago.

The next week should be brighter, hopefully, as I'll be travelling to see my oldest friend get married, after many years with her partner. They'd always sworn off traditional marriage, however I guess people's views change, especially after a life-altering event (bff's partner almost died a few years ago in a car wreck.)

I have tickets to see a comedy show a few days after that - thanks to my son - and then it's Boho's birthday. So there's a few things to look forward to in the coming week or two.
 
Well, I got back into town yesterday after attending the wedding of good friends who live in another city - just in time to rush my daughter's dog to the vet. The poor little thing had an extreme allergic reaction to her annual vaccine booster and needed treatment with anti-histamines. They were going to keep her in overnight, but she improved rapidly and wouldn't settle in her cage, so we brought her home. Thankfully, she's all good now.

During the past week or so, Jester and I have renewed contact and have been talking almost daily, without expectation or commitment one way or the other. I SO needed this last month or two of no contact however... in order to "reset" my emotional equilibrium where he is concerned. I now feel calmer, less frustrated and desperate. I'm in control and feel like I can handle a less intense relationship. I'm not sure what we are now, and for the moment I don't really care. Thank goodness.
 
Bad news for Boho

My female partner, Boho, has had a run of relatively serious health issues this past year, and now it looks like she may actually have cancer. She went for a scheduled, follow-up mammogram last week (after having discovered a supposedly innocuous mass in her breast at the beginning of the year), and now it appears to have morphed into something more dangerous.

Boho tends to be a "doer" and is highly proactive about anything over which she has any degree of control, so of course she made sure to see her specialist asap, who did a biopsy on Monday. Unfortunately, she/we now have to wait two weeks until all the results are in and she can see the specialist again to decide on treatment options.

I think I'm in denial in a way, as my anxiety hasn't really kicked in yet. Then again, I tend to lose it over minor things at times, while able to remain strong and calm during an actual crisis.

I'm supporting her as best as I can emotionally, but I just feel so helpless to DO anything practical due to the distance between us. LDR really can suck at times. The good news is that the lump is still quite small/new and the cure rate at this stage is pretty high.
 
Thank you for your kind words, powerpuff and Hannah. xx

The support from this community is a life raft in and of itself.
 
Thank you, Opalescent. Surgery has been scheduled for a couple of weeks from now.
 
Boho had surgery earlier today to remove the tumour in her breast, and seems to be doing okay. She's a little woozy but in a positive frame of mind about the whole thing.

I'm supporting her as best I can from a distance of a few thousand miles, though obviously it's difficult knowing she is probably more worried than she's letting on. Still four+ months until we get to see each other in person again, though we talk every day by phone.

Overall, the relationships between Boho and I, Jester and I, and all three of us are doing well right now. It's such a welcome relief not to have any emotional drama going on beyond the health issues we have no option but to deal with.

My psychiatrist seems to be happy with my progress and doesn't need to see me for another few months, though I'll continue with my therapist on a regular basis.

In other news, Red officially filed for divorce; the terms of which I'm in complete agreement with, so that's another relief to have this process underway.
 
I hope Boho does well in her recovery! I’m glad to see she’s so on top of her health. My MIL was diagnosed last year with breast cancer, but she waited so long to tell anyone she had a problem since she was in denial. She went from stage 3 to 4 since then and has many serious complications. Since Boho’s was found so early, I’m sure she’ll come through it like a champ!! Rooting for her (and you!)
 
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