Hello all, I will properly introduce myself in due course, but for now I am afraid I must dive into the gory details of being a monogamous man in a poly relationship. I was a little unsure where to post this, since it deals with a specific relationship issue but involves some general theory. Please correct me if I have posted it in the wrong place.
I am dating a lovely poly girl, whom I adore. She is dating another man who she is very committed too, and has been dating for quite some time. She is, actually, quite committed to both of us at this point. My question, however, revolves around the less committed aspects of a poly relationship.
She does express an interest, inconsistently, in casual sex. I have said no, and will always say no, because I see no reason for her to go outside of the relationship for something she gets plenty of with her two current boyfriends. I told her this today, after she asked why I was not okay with her sleeping with other men. It disturbed me, though, that she even asked, since she has before said she was okay without casual sex and has even claimed to not have an interest in it. She's living on her own right now, so she might not get as much sex as normal, but her other boyfriend is right near by and she's only on her own until she returns to college at the end of the summer.
What I really want to know is why she would want to go outside of the relationship for sex. I get the feeling that this is something different from the poly part of her. She has had a lot of issues in the past, and I can't help but wonder if she feels some need to be wanted, or validated. I kind of even vaguely wonder if she's addicted to sex. It feels wrong to suspect those things, and I want to put those thoughts to rest, if I can. So what I really want to know from the community is how to deal with this. I can ask her myself why she wants casual sex but I may not get the answer I need. I want to know what the attitudes are of poly individuals towards casual sex. Would you go outside of the relationship for sex? Why? I know its different for everyone, but I want to understand her mentality and just talking about it to people who will understand what I'm dealing with is a huge relief. Please, help me work through this.
Kindest regards.
I am dating a lovely poly girl, whom I adore. She is dating another man who she is very committed too, and has been dating for quite some time. She is, actually, quite committed to both of us at this point. My question, however, revolves around the less committed aspects of a poly relationship.
She does express an interest, inconsistently, in casual sex. I have said no, and will always say no, because I see no reason for her to go outside of the relationship for something she gets plenty of with her two current boyfriends. I told her this today, after she asked why I was not okay with her sleeping with other men. It disturbed me, though, that she even asked, since she has before said she was okay without casual sex and has even claimed to not have an interest in it. She's living on her own right now, so she might not get as much sex as normal, but her other boyfriend is right near by and she's only on her own until she returns to college at the end of the summer.
What I really want to know is why she would want to go outside of the relationship for sex. I get the feeling that this is something different from the poly part of her. She has had a lot of issues in the past, and I can't help but wonder if she feels some need to be wanted, or validated. I kind of even vaguely wonder if she's addicted to sex. It feels wrong to suspect those things, and I want to put those thoughts to rest, if I can. So what I really want to know from the community is how to deal with this. I can ask her myself why she wants casual sex but I may not get the answer I need. I want to know what the attitudes are of poly individuals towards casual sex. Would you go outside of the relationship for sex? Why? I know its different for everyone, but I want to understand her mentality and just talking about it to people who will understand what I'm dealing with is a huge relief. Please, help me work through this.
Kindest regards.