CP frustration

1234567

New member
I'm in a 3-year relationship where my frustration with CP (couple privilege) is really the only major issue.

My partner is woke on the issue, and they and their other partner discuss it.

However-- it's still there in some of the harder areas to deal with (like time and barriering and living arrangements and vacations)- and I am getting frustrated, because I'm at a completely different stage.

I'm totally fine with my partner making their own choices, based on their desires. (Except for when the desire to avoid conflict is greater than the desire to treat us both well, and let people be responsible for their feelings). And I wish my met was too.

I'm feeling disgruntled and annoyed and more at there being a necessity for check in and approval and a stall while feelings are worked out surrounding my partner's desires to do things with me, resulting in temporary line-item vetos.

I might be especially frustrated because I was a newbie when I started dating and seem to have outpaced my more experienced meta in what I can be secure and generous about- meaning I know it to be doable in this time period.

And some of this stuff was on the table before, and now seems to be off. So trust is very shaky.

I value my partner. I value my meta as an extension of that, and get why the might be harder to process for her than most.

Still, it's a lot of wasted energy. Energy I would like to stop.

I wish I could just not let it bother me-- but it does.

I've got a thing about someone else having control over my life that's pretty strong, and an equally strong sense of liking and treasuring old relationships that give me joy. So I've got a two-choice dilemma- stay and go are both problematic, but stay is better.

Any advice welcomed.
 
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Writing this, I realized I'm feeling gaslighted, rightly or wrongly

I've definately gotten impressions of how things are and how they were going to be and what was on the table that turn out to be false.

Maybe THAT is what I need to address.
 
1234567, your user-name tells me you wish to take anonymity to extremes (not that there's anything wrong with that) however, you seem to be speaking "around" a lot of what is going on in your relationship (a "V", I gather?)

It's just that it might be more helpful to those of us on this forum if you could give us some kind of specific example or examples of a situation where your needs or requests are being back-burnered for an unnecessarily lengthy period of time while your meta works out their feelings about it. And the specific reason/s they give you for needing this time to process and/or veto a new request or development.

In that way, we might be better able to gauge if you are in fact being gaslighted, or if you are simply frustrated by your relationship model.

Edit: Also, in your second post above, you failed to specify WHO you suspect is doing the gaslighting - your partner or their partner/your meta.
 
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Thanks, you are right about the anonymity, - and I actually don't need help figuring out if I'm being gaslighted. Things are being said I can't rely on, and while it may or may not not be gaslighting, it has the same effect- and the same consequences- and I think I have arrived at my solution. Keep the bits I can of the relationship; not expect a stable, forward evolving path, and let that have ts consequences and benefits.

(I've got some listening to my own truth to do. I trust the intentions of my partner; I think I can assume it is extreme instability of the two other's relationship rather than gaslighting, with the effects being felt the same-- an unreliable, chaotic landscape. The solution is the same either way-- go with the truth as you see it, not hear it)

Sometimes just talking about something gets you moving forwards, and this did that. Thanks for lstening and responding.
 
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It also may or may not be reasonable on their part. My feeling is over 3 years is long enough to be able to work through CP, and that's really because 3 years is too long for me to be in limbo waiting for it to disappear. That's valid whether or not the other side has legitimacy.

I've made a goal to cut the level of the emotional labor around CP out, and gong with what's valid for me is less work and probably better boundaries.

I generally tend to be considerate, but not so much to myself,'and I think consideration for everyone is me focusing on my experience of the relationship right now. First, it gives me some missing prioritization and consideration, and balances that, secondly, it gives space for them to be them wth their struggles, and third, nothng is an impetus to change than having someone around who has grown past your behavior, so if there is a chance of change to meet my needs, me being done with CP and letting that have natural consequences on the relationship would do that.
 
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Or even- just done with chaos as an acceptable relationship component. If it can be sorted out on their end, or sorted so it doesn't affect me-- that my partner and I are able to work on and hold stability as a dominant attribute of our relationship, independent of what is happening in the other relationship- things might work.

The factors behind the chaos- is it an aspect of personality or a reflection of where they are on their poly journey or what- matter less than the results- does this chaos HAVE to affect us, or can a wall be set up to not let it bleed from one relationship to another.
 
go with the truth as you see it, not hear it

Sometimes just talking about something gets you moving forwards, and this did that. Thanks for lstening and responding.

You're welcome. And yes, "believe actions over words" is advice I've been given by many on this forum in regards to various quandaries of my own. It can be quite the revelation when we truly internalise this notion as it applies to our own situation. It does tend to cut through the BS and second-guessing.

3 years is too long for me to be in limbo waiting for it to disappear.

I generally tend to be considerate, but not so much to myself,

nothng is an impetus to change than having someone around who has grown past your behavior, so if there is a chance of change to meet my needs, me being done with CP and letting that have natural consequences on the relationship would do that.

While having empathy and compassion for the struggles of others can be a good, positive and healthy way of being/relating, when taken too far, these traits can be detrimental to your own best interests.

It does sound like you have reflected on your situation and what you've written in your OP and come to the conclusion that you've reached the limits of your tolerance... and that you intend to tighten up your boundaries and renegotiate agreements around couple privilege and what you will now accept, or not, in terms of time-frames.

I wish you the best of luck.
 
Thank you. I feel good about the path,'and appreciate your support,

I think I'm taking it one step further, even. Negotiation hasn't worked; we've talked all the talking I have in me, and while some of that is recent and may have effect, I'm going to go with disengagement as necessary.

I tend to have ultimatums (I'm done,'and you can adjust as you want, and I will build on that) rather than give them (I'm done, and I need you to x or I will y)

Less tense for me-- because I'm not putting arbitrariness on a situation- who is to say 2 weeks is okay and 2 weeks one day is worth throwing the relationship away over? More solutions open- with me not having to dictate what they are.
 
Follow your path

Sounds like that's exactly what you need!
Hopefully it works your way..
Hopefully they are strong enough individually to respond to your needs ... And not selfishly Just think about them if they care for you as they should
 
Hi 1234567,

My impression is that your metamour is exercising CP, such as line-item veto. And your partner is going along with it. So indirectly, your problem is with your metamour. But directly, your problem is with your partner. And you have a choice to make: Should you continue in that relationship? Maybe not, if it has too much chaos. It's really for you to decide.

I hope you can get things worked out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
This is sounding like a situation also where your partner is OK with CP and you're not. Which is something that you guys need to be in agreement with. Also, why is your partner even telling you when your meta is the one making a decision? Ultimately, if your partner agreed to that thing, then your partner made the decision too, so your partner is setting their boundaries right there, and those are either boundaries that you're ok with, or you're not. Same thing with it seeming like certain things were on the table but now seem to not be. If your partner changed their mind, that's totally their call... but you should be informed and know what are the relationship escalator possibilities and what aren't so that you can make an informed decision about how invested you want to be in the relationship.

Bottom line, your partner isn't hinging well and expressing their own boundaries well. Sounds like you're definitely taking some good steps in just setting up your own boundaries though and then sticking to them!
 
From here, and I could be wrong... we only see your side of the issues...

Beside couple privilege there seems to be a disconnect between you and your SO on where the relationship escalator is going. You want more and deeper involvement, and they want to stop the escalator at a certain floor?

Their relationship with your meta is settled on a certain floor, or still moving upwards, but your separate escalator with your partner is stopped at a "lower" floor? Do I have that right?

As an example:

My live-in gf and I have traveled a ways up the escalator in 8 years together. We live together, we meet and hang out with each others' families and friends, we vacation together (and also separately), we have mingled finances to a large degree. We share care of our dog. We have comfortably split household chores. We don't want marriage or kids. But we want to be together long term, we can imagine "til death do us part."

OTOH, my gf and her OSO of 4 years do not want to live together full time. My gf and i do not want to share our house with another partner of either of ours. She had spent 3 years only having one overnight a week with her bf. Just recently it has increased to two nights a week. He is a private person and needs lots of alone time. They do usually text on and off for a few hours many evenings a week when they aren't together.

I currently have a very new bf, but in the past I have had several other long term relationships, and in each case, I am content with seeing him once or twice a week, hosting usually at my house, staying in, or going on dates. I haven't vacationed with anyone else. I have no desire to move anyone in to my house. I've had some overnights, but mostly my bfs come over for a few hours and go home. This works well for me.

Where on the escalator do you wish you could be with your partner? Where does your partner wish to be?

And on the other issue, your partner's r'ship with your meta? It is hard for you that they are struggling! Your partner's stress is going to bleed into your relationship with them. If they are unhappy you're going to see it. But you don't have to be their therapist for what is going on over there. You decide how much you can offer for support. They can share their struggles with other friends or a therapist.

If you feel dissatisfied with the floor your escalator has reached with your partner, and want more out of a relationship, you might need to seek and find a different partner who is more in line with your goals.

Maybe if your partner's other r'ship is in so much trouble, they will split and you will have more of their time. But there is no guarantee. Sometimes a major split upends a poly person's life so much, they split from their other partner too.
 
That is an amazingly great point about, "why do I even know"? The answer is a desire to distinguish "I don't want this with you" with "I do, but I'm afraid,'and need to tread carefully". Which of course, is actually the same thing- it won't happen.

What I'm trying to remind myself, and this applies to the relationship escalator questions too- which were great- is that this is a world of abundance.

Plenty of people want to make a life with me. Actually, many do, part time. And if I want more of that, and more full time, I might need to up my dating game to find them. I might need to gain a skill or two to make things work better than they do. I might need to broaden my networks. I might need to redefine what I want - and appreciate the good in my situation. (And build on my strengths)

My partner isnmt the only path to this.

Meantime, there has been and will continue to be some good discussion within the polycule.
 
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