coping ideas for dh stay-overs

Beka

New member
last year hubby went to new years party w gf. this year they are going to bnb fri & sat night only a few miles away, just the 2 of them. i am having difficulties. i have been upset all week. had big fight mon night. warm-cold-warm-cold all week. i am exhausted trying to keep my feelings in check. has had gf for about 2 years.

yes, treat it like any other stay-over weekend. why should this one be any different? but this weekend is different. it's new year's!

a] i thought having sunday activity for the 2 of us would help. it has. anticipation.
b] i also asked for something i could do for him while he is gone. helping me feel connected. i just found out tonight no, he has nothing prepared for me to do while he is gone. but i've been mentioning it all week!!!
c] he said in 32 yrs of our marrriage i never expressed doing anything special for new years. WHAT??? neither did he!!! so when gf said how about? he said sure, why not. i don't want to stop them cause then he'll resent me & be surly.

so how do i cope? he is coming back, i know. he has stay-overs about once a month. for his birthday they were gone thurs-mon.
i have no friends nor family to call. not really a party gal. i have low low libido [asexual]. his gf has high & so does he. i can't compete.
he doesn't like to talk "feelings."

coping ideas welcome, for this weekend or other stay-overs.
i'll just drink more wine tonight so maybe i can sleep. i'm hurt & i'm angry. i won't be abandoned, but i can't compete. i need help coping...
 
I quite like spending NYE on my own. :D

I really like to make plans for the following year and think back at the year just gone. Then, I really like to wake up on the 1st of January without a hangover and take my dogs for a lovely long walk somewhere peaceful.

I also enjoy the time to read or knit.

In your shoes I would be wary of expecting much from your hubby on Sunday. If he's spending Saturday night partying, he may be tired when he gets home and not up for doing much. I know that the years I do meet with friends to celebrate NYE, I don't want to do much on the 1st of Jan.

You sound lonely - maybe you could spend some time looking around at things you could start to do to build connections with other people. You don't need to be into partying in order to find friends. An acquaintance of mine has a fairly recent MS diagnosis and has found great support in online MS groups.

The time will pass and he will be home.
 
Hi Beka,

Perhaps you could watch movies he doesn't like, dine on food he doesn't like, other things to treat yourself. I don't know what hobbies interest you but there is always those. In short, take advantage of the me time.

Hope that helps,
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
the list of coping ideas is from brainstorming tonight. some i've trried, some not. just thinking out loud.

any other ideas??

i tend towards tv, melancholia, disgust for myself for watching tv, yada yada ... on date nights i've been known to fall asleep.

sometimes i just need to see things written down & ask for help/more ideas. then get my arse in gear & do them!!!

my eyes blear up w tears tonight,
i can read the coping list,
& hope for better actions later.
consider dh as caregiving friend,
that was unexpected idea tonight,
from a reader & new to me.
hmm. i'm glad i opened up.
i had fewer tears tonight,
as i imagined this possibility.
 
I don't think this is so much about you being alone. It's about your husband spending all these special days with gf instead of with you. It feels like he is leaving you behind. It seems like he is taking you for granted and you are asking how to cope with that? Don't cope with it. Confront it. Confront him with your feelings. If he can't handle that you need to think about moving on. Why be miserable if you don't have to be?
 
I don't think this is so much about you being alone. It's about your husband spending all these special days with gf instead of with you. It feels like he is leaving you behind. It seems like he is taking you for granted and you are asking how to cope with that? Don't cope with it. Confront it. Confront him with your feelings. If he can't handle that you need to think about moving on. Why be miserable if you don't have to be?

I agree. Polyamoury isn't about hiding feelings to maintain constellations. It's about strengthening them by being open. Talking this stuff out will be really productive and will strengthen your relationship. Your partner might surprise you with what they say.
 
Knowing you have physical disabilities and challenges, and that your husband is your main caregiver makes this more heartbreaking.

I feel badly for you, but you say you do not have friends. It sounds like your dh is your only connection, and now he is in a blossoming 2 year relationship with his gf, and going to her for birthdays and holidays as well!

So when he is gone, you drink, watch TV (and you consider TV bad), cry, and fall asleep.

Yet you've expressed your feelings (of abandonment? jealousy? etc.) to your dh, and he doesn't respond, because he "doesn't talk about feelings."

Excuse the hell out of me, dh, but poly can't work if feelings aren't shared. The first rule of successful poly is "COMMUNICATE." How does he get the idea it is OK to leave you on your own for holidays and birthdays, in favor of being with his OSO instead?

But on your end, you could be more proactive finding friends to be with while dh is on his dates, especially on his overnights, especially if they are on special occasions. As InfinitePossibility said, you don't have to be a "party person" to make friends. I know you're in a LTR and you and dh may have been "each other's world," so making the adjustment to more independence, especially if your diagnosis is new, is difficult. But I take it you gave him the go ahead to get a gf for the sex he needs, that you don't. Now it's sort of backfiring. He gets more than sex from his gf, he gets companionship. And you feel abandoned. Time to step up and do some self care.

I hope you will consider us friends.

You can also start a blog in the section we have for that here. Sometimes it helps to write, vent and sort out feelings on those nights you feel alone and friendless. It's better than drinking and watching the TV (which you don't enjoy)!
 
This may not be helpful but as the gf I want to share how special it was for me to have real with me on nye. Usually the 3 of us would have spent it together, but I couldn't this year due to family stuff. It is helpful for you to frame this as a gift to others happiness? Holidays can be very difficult for the non live in partner.
 
This may not be helpful but as the gf I want to share how special it was for me to have real with me on nye. Usually the 3 of us would have spent it together, but I couldn't this year due to family stuff. It is helpful for you to frame this as a gift to others happiness? Holidays can be very difficult for the non live in partner.

It sounds like she is the one to have to think about other's happiness. They can think about her's once in a while.
 
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