Going Public

Lea

New member
Ok, so I have some questions, thoughts maybe just need some discussion. So right now, none of our friends know that I'm poly. My husband's family doesn't know either. And I feel like he would not want them to know. No, I haven't asked directly yet which is the point of this thread.

Have you opened up to your friends and family? How did you go about doing that? Has anyone experienced where the spouse/SO doesn't want to go public but you do? Have you lost friends or family over it?

I don't know that I'm actually ready either, because I don't know what might change if I did, but it's something deep down I would like to eventually do. I would like to be at a place where I could be myself.

My boyfriend also hasn't and doesn't feel ready to tell his parents he has two gfs. Which I also respect, but would eventually like to meet his parents.

I guess, I am just curious for talk on who has done this before and dealt with this.
 
I'm pretty open about being polyamorous. My friends are few and pretty close so I knew that they wouldn't have an issue with it, one is polyamorous herself. I just waited for a good place in casual conversation to mention something about a new partner or polyamory and it felt like a pretty natural conversation for us to have, I never worried about my friends judging me for it. I know I'm lucky in that regard though, not everyone has that.

With my family it was/is a little trickier. I've talked about being polyamorous with one of my two sisters (the other I'm not close to) and my mother. My father does not know, nor does my extended family. I don't think that I would be disowned or anything but it would not necessarily be a pleasant conversation to have so my attitude is: If it comes out naturally, so be it, I'm not going to lie about who my partners are but I'm also not going to randomly bring it up either, especially since I'm not super close to my extended family at this point. My sister and mother though took it remarkably well when I told them and were supportive, even if they were blunt about not necessarily understanding polyamory or agreeing with my choice, they both said that as long as I was happy that was what mattered.

My in-laws do not know, that's a choice of my husband's and one that I respect, he's not comfortable telling them and doesn't think that they would take the news kindly. My husband was nervous to tell my family but understood that I didn't want to lie to them and supported me in that, like I support his decision to not be open with his family. Luckily our families rarely interact with each other so we don't have to worry really about his family finding out through other sources.
 
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It's fine to start a new thread, but there are plenty of older threads on "coming out" that you can find for quick info. Do a term or tag search.
 
Hi Lea,

I am basically in the closet, I would say one of Snowbunny's friends knows, and one of my brothers knows, and maybe my ex-SIL knows. All three people have been perfectly gracious toward us, even if poly is not their cup of tea. I would tell more people, but my companions (Snowbunny and Brother-Husband) don't want us to out ourselves to anyone. So I am accomodating to their wishes. As for how the three people who know were told, it basically just came out in the course of casual conversation, there was no formal announcement.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
We have come out to one friend, Carla, but only because she is a close friend who has been poly all of her adult life. She and my wife, Becky, have been friends since college, and I have come to know her through Becky - and Carla and I have bonded over a mutual admiration of Heinlein.

Since, Carla and Becky were already long time confidants, we both thought it would be a good idea to share our news with her - so that Becky would have a girl friend to discuss poly issues with - and we have great trust in her discretion. Carla has a husband and a long term boyfriend, and occasionally other special friends along the way.

Carla did not influence our introduction to poly directly (see my Intro - "Unexpected Poly" in the Introductions section) - and, in fact, Becky had always thought that Carla's poly lifestyle was "weird".

There was some indirect influence, however. Due to our mutual interest in Heinlein, Carla introduced me to poly on an intellectual level - and I had done some reading about poly because of that (even though I did not believe it was for me) - so on that fateful night when the poly-bomb exploded in our bed, I knew enough not to completely go off the deep end. And Becky, although she had always thought Carla's poly to be weird, did say that knowing about Carla and her lifestyle personally helped lead her to the conclusion that it might really be possible for us to open up our marriage.

Becky did ask me what I thought about her telling another long term girl friend who is another of her confidants.

I did ask her to wait for the moment - and here is why - and it might be a thought useful to other couples where one has asked to go poly and the other has accepted it but may not be especially excited about it.

It seems to me that if my wife tells a friend that she is now poly - or simply that she has a boyfriend with my consent - she has, in effect, outed me. The intent might be for her to share her exciting news with her old friend - but by sharing that I consented to the arrangement, her friend now also knows that I am poly - or at least in a poly marriage. My feeling is that I should give my consent for that information to be shared - and if it isn't, then I am being outed against my wishes. So, in regard to the original post in this thread, I would only add that any coming out should be done with the husband's consent as well - since he is also affected. (And I would guess that is probably the case - no judgment intended). But just a couple of cents worth from me.

We may eventually share with a few select friends, and possibly my older brother - but definitely not her family (or the neighbors, or the folks at church, or work... etc... lots of judgmental folks out there!)

Best to All,

Al
 
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Does it bother you that they want to stay in the closet with their poly or is that not really an issue for you? I'm just curious. Sometimes it bothers me to have to feel like I'm hiding things. Other times I think it might make things worse.

Like, I am traveling to Florida for the fourth time since July. And people/family KNOW I go. The question comes up, oh why are you going? I'm visiting friends.

... and I know in their mind they're starting to think.. 'friend.'


Thanks Amarna --

My own sister is very very opened minded, even if it isn't her cup of tea. She's been divorced due to being very unhappy and is opened minded about needing to do what makes you happy. My mom struggles with it a bit, but she doesn't judge and kinda has a 'if your house is in order' feel about it. I don't think it's her preference per say, but she also accepts her preference doesn't matter much. She would have preferred my sister not get divorced either, to which I constantly disagree with her. But she also loves and accepts us all the same.

They've both met my gf and my sister ADORES her as well.
 
I am *not* out to any of Hubby's family, at his request. He comes from a very conservative family (politically and otherwise), and some of his relatives, unfortunately, are of the ilk that believes it's better to cheat on your partner than have more than one open, honest relationship. Hubby's concerned about what his family might say about me if they knew I'm poly (he isn't), and he will always defend me, which means he's worried about starting World War Family.

We did have to compromise a bit; I can't control who I run into online or at events I attend with my boyfriend, and my in-laws know a LOT of people in the area. So Hubby has agreed to accept the risk of his family finding out *accidentally*; he only has a severe problem with the idea of *me* being the one to tell them. I despise dishonesty, and to me, deliberately hiding a huge part of who I am is dishonest. So not coming right out and telling my in-laws about being poly feels very wrong and uncomfortable for me, and it's only because I love and respect Hubby that I've agreed, but I refuse to pretend to be someone I'm not at any other time.

Everyone else who knows me, even my kids' father and his wife and probably most others in their family, know. Reactions have ranged from "I don't see how anyone could possibly do that, I won't even let my husband be friends with other women, but I won't judge you" (a direct quote from a woman I've known since elementary school), to a surprising "I don't care as long as your husband is okay with it" from my kids' father (who used to be extremely closed-minded and in the past would have used this kind of thing as custody war ammunition, but my kids have tamed him), to "Oh, that's so cool, I'm so glad you're happy!"

I also came out to the now-retired pastor at my mother-in-law's church, which my kids also attended. The church has a stated "open and affirming" policy that says anyone of any gender or sexual orientation is welcome and accepted there, and I was in a "let's push buttons" mood so decided to test how far that went. His response: "I don't quite understand how it feels to want more than one partner, but there's definitely a lot of *polygamy* in the Bible, and even though it isn't quite the same thing I guess you could say the Bible supports polyamory."

(I love that quote...and I used it recently against a woman--ironically, one I met at a swinger's club--who claimed the Bible says having more than one relationship is cheating on your spouse and therefore I'm cheating on Hubby even though he knows and approves of everything. When I told her what the pastor said, she shrugged and said, "Well, I'm an atheist, so I don't really read the Bible.")
 
Reactions have ranged from "I don't see how anyone could possibly do that, I won't even let my husband be friends with other women, but I won't judge you" (a direct quote from a woman I've known since elementary school), to a surprising "I don't care as long as your husband is okay with it" from my kids' father (who used to be extremely closed-minded and in the past would have used this kind of thing as custody war ammunition, but my kids have tamed him), to "Oh, that's so cool, I'm so glad you're happy!"

Interesting. As I wrote above, we have come out to one poly friend - who was quite excited for us - and offered to help coach us through the pitfalls. The friend she was considering telling - and a couple of others I can think of - would most likely react by asking her to clue her in on how she could get her husband to let her have a boyfriend! Becky's family, otoh, would be horrified.

Al


Al
 
Re (from Lea):
"Does it bother you that they want to stay in the closet with their poly or is that not really an issue for you?"

My preference would be to go ahead and tell everyone. Or at least tell everyone in my own family. But my companions are quite scared about doing that, so I am sympathetic and also don't want to rock the boat.
 
We're out to most of the people we know well, it's happened gradually and fairly naturally over the years. It hasn't been without pain and a whole heap of disapproval/judgement, but for me it was worth it because I'm not the kind of person who finds it easy to keep things hidden. Whether coming out is for you is a judgement only you can make knowing the people concerned :)

The one person we haven't told is my sister-in-law, which I'm not entirely happy about because I really don't want her to find out from anyone other than us and as time passes the chances of that happening get higher. However, that's my husband's decision based on what he knows of her and how judgemental she is, and I accept it. Also neither of us actually has any other active relationships, so it's a bit of a moot point at the moment!
 
I am completely out to everyone. For me, it was about respecting and being honest with who I was, and living my life openly. I told my friends first, because I didn't want them to see me out and about with my boyfriend at the time and think I was cheating. My family found out because my sister saw a post my by boyfriend (now my husband) on Facebook. Both my husbands told their families, straight up. It took about a year for everyone to accept things. Mostly, I didn't care. I have two primaries, and neither of them were going to be a secret. They deserved better than that.
 
I have been out and open.

My situation was a little different. My marriage ended, then I was involved with 4 different people (a quad, and a boyfriend) who all knew each other. It was lovely. Did that about a year. Everybody knew. Friends, family, even a number of coworkers. Now I'm mono-ish with my one boyfriend man, but we're in a SM relationship and also play with others, if in somewhat more limited ways. But he is my Person and I am his Person. And I am out about that to family and friends and some coworkers...but not really my kids. My sons (teenagers) knew about my poly, but I assume they don't want the details of my activities.

So why it's different... My associates were not faced with the opening of a marriage that they always thought of as closed. That is a whole different kettle o' fish than getting into poly as a freewheelin' single. You'll have people looking for trouble in the relationship, expecting it to end, and looking to see whose fault all of this is.

Also, I have been defending my weirdness and my right to be weird for almost my entire life. If everybody expects normal from you, and you suddenly zig when they think you're always one to zag, you're gonna have some pushback probably in their attitudes, I would think.
 
Re (from Lea):


My preference would be to go ahead and tell everyone. Or at least tell everyone in my own family. But my companions are quite scared about doing that, so I am sympathetic and also don't want to rock the boat.


Mine too.

But I don't see it happening. I don't think hubby wants to tell anyone. And he's struggling again and doesn't even talk to anyone about things, which I think is unhealthy. That's a whole new topic though.

So for now, I don't think I'll be being open. :(
 
Sorry to hear that Lea, it can be hard to keep poly a secret, it can just rub you the wrong way. For me, it means I can't know who my real friends are. But, my companions are afraid that if my family knows, their families will find out. Which I suppose could happen in Facebook?

I just hope you and your companions work something out on the road ahead.
 
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