Hrm hrm. So Friday, yeah, I spent my workday being annoyed with my ex and freaked about my son, yeah? Think so. Well, I went and got my kid. I'd been thinking. The culmination of my thinking is that if my son does not graduate, it just isn't the end of the world. Yes, I want him to. Yes, I'm going to try and motivate and parent and help him. But the thought of him going to Tulsa at this point...he is so clueless. He's never had a job. He doesn't know how to drive. The events of the last few years, with regard to the marriage and divorce of his parents, and the bizarre and dramatic poor life choices of his Dad combined with the stepping off of his Mom and just...the whole damn business...means that certain life skill priorities that should have happened by now, just didn't.
And I don't like letting him go off hundreds of miles from any support network at all, thusly unprepared. If that means I take him back in for some months, at some point, and put some time and effort into him, well...maybe I will have to do that.
But I had him come to my place over the weekend and he did get some of his work done. So. That is something. I should have some idea by the end of this week, if he's going to be able to salvage his American Government class so he can graduate...and if not, I'll have to look into how one goes about getting a kid a GED. I told him that bottom line, three things MUST happen for him to go to Tulsa. 1. He's got to graduate. 2. He's got to get his driver's license, and 3. There needs to be money raised to cover his initial costs to get there and get a place to live.
If any of those three things can't happen, then he can't go. Simple enough. And we look at other alternatives.
Gonna be perfectly frank, too. I miss the boy. I would not mind having a bit more time with him. But I have some very solid lines drawn in the sand. There will be an expiration date on my assistance. The biggest reason he's gonna get pushed out of the nest, is that I will NOT be raising my grandchildren. I won't. I know people who have ended up in that situation, supporting their adult kids and responsible for their grandkids, and I just won't do it. And I'm no fool. Nature will take its course. Eventually, he'll meet a girl and want to Relationship with her...he's already been kinda doing that in high school. So.
I'll help him. For a time.
Got some really good Zen time. Mags, I think it was, who said that he is a natural antidepressant for me. Yes. Yes, he is. I got to his place and at the sight and sound of him, my tensions melt away, and with the first kiss, my body starts accelerating, as the book says, to put it in general terms my desire for sex and intimacy starts firing up. He just does that for me.
Does everybody get that? Have that? How have I been missing that in my whole damn life? I feel like I've been doing it wrong, all along, and now I'm not. If that is "just" NRE, infatuation, lust, limerance, or something of the sort, then why haven't I felt like this, exactly like this, for anyone ever until now? Well. It is wonderful.
For those of you who are on fetlife... If we are friends, feel free to go have a look at the photos from the B&B weekend, he posted them and you can get to his page via my relationship statuses. Easy enough to find.
I was really happy with how some of those turned out, especially this one on the staircase, and he did some cool editing and effects with the pictures, so I do want to share.
If we are not friends there and you want to be, PM me your fetname. I add people fairly liberally but only if I "know" them from somewhere. I don't like complete out of nowhere randos...
So. Friday. We looked at pictures, we went to dinner, we had lovely snuggles. All got right with my world, pretty quick. Saturday, I went back to his place. We had an afternoon and evening of lovey lovey stuff broken by a trip out to a BBQ place for a meal with his friend. His poor friend, whose marital situation reminds me quite a lot of Old Wolf and me at various stages of things. I am able, perhaps, to find good words to clarify things for Zen's friend...if only because I have been there, done that, and between my perspective and the reams of words that Old Wolf has poured into my ear-holes...I know how both the friend and the friend's wife are likely feeling.
Oh, and Zen and I watched a movie called "The Secretary." Well damn it. So it would have been great if I could have just enjoyed it for its own sake as a film with BDSM content (yay) with my delicious Dominant lover. But noooooooooooo........of fucking COURSE NOT.
Because guess what? I'd never realized it but not only in looks but in mannerisms and expressions, there is a striking similarity between James Spader and guess who? My former heroin habit guy, The Worm King. And damned if his relationship habits couldn't have been damn near scripted off of that film and damned if I didn't get annoyed. I'm like SEE??? I can't tell if he's rejecting her, or rejecting himself?? Why does he have to be like that?
(EDIT: I feel a need to clarify in case anyone comes along to the blog and hasn't read all the content...(I get it, it's a lot, it's cool)...I call Worm King "my heroin" because at the time I found him very addictive and craveable even though he was clearly bad for me. No actual opiates were involved.)
It was annoying. I actually felt annoyed. Seriously. Like the lawyer in that movie brings on secretaries, and initiates this edgy sort of D/s thing, but then has his stupid freakout and pushes them away (why, if they are both enjoying it, does it have to either escalate or end?? Why can't people just keep doing the thing?) and yeah, wigs out and he fires them and they go off in tears, until that one decides to totally violate his stated position and FORCE him to accept her submission by doing this whole hunger strike in his damn office for three days, and I can't decide who is more fucked up, the guy who does this with his employees and who clearly can't negotiate his way out of a paper bag (are you SURE you're a lawyer??) or the girl who smashes down his boundaries and demands he accept her in his life, and oh, because it's totally romantic, this story ends all "happily ever after" instead of her suing him or him having her arrested. Well it's nonsense.
And similarly, the Worm King seducing women with his edgy behavior on OK Cupid and even though everyone seems to be having a great time, as soon as it seems to be going really well and the woman seems to be having her needs well met and maybe people might start to be feeling things, he blows up and acts like a dick and pushes them away...but only SO far away, and always with the weird and slightly sociopathic "we're still great friends on Facebook" thing, man...
So you KNOW, I couldn't resist. And the exchange went like this:
Me to WK: "Just saw a movie that reminded me of you. The Secretary."
WK: "That's such a great movie!"
Me: "Well, Maggie Gyllenhaal was delightful, I thought. Spader's character was a bit of a flake, though. In real BDSM, obtuse Dominants like that, that's exactly how you get brats. First a worm in the mail, next, it's fucking glitter everywhere..."
WK: "hahahahaha"
We won't speak to one another again for like six months.
Oh, and I was telling some friends who are also into kink about this movie and my reaction to it, and all...and she says, "I actually thought it wasn't that bad a portrayal of BDSM, I mean, it's better than 50 Shades..."
Oh just shut up.
lol Zen in my head, "It's just a movie." Yes. I know.
What always kinda blows my mind a little honestly, is how much I learned from such a brief fling with a dude who should be a footnote in my sexual history though. Like I've said, he cracked the door into several of my desires and gave me just the smallest peek...and then slammed it in my face. I can say with some conviction, he's what convinced me that what I thought was my type before...not really. And that what I should be looking for, was an older sadist. Because of that tease, I was ready for what came later with Zen, where the two of us together kicked the door in, that I'd only had the sneak peek through the crack before. If I'd not had my experience with WK, I likely wouldn't have given Zen a chance, I would have maybe kept looking for love in the wrong places.
But that doesn't stop me from feeling annoyed just thinking about him, so it's probably good that I don't think about him much anymore.
Oh. In other news, I've started on a painting that I hope to try and sell at StarFest in April. And just the start I have made, has my mind exploding with more art ideas. That is EXCITING.
And I'm fighting a smeedge of droppy feels today, and I need to go take a break and eat food. Have pushed away several thought-threads that come with bad feelings, because I'm not feeding the drop and exacerbating that state. And that's where I am at.