The story of Spork.

Feel wayyy better after eating a bit of food.

Hate that vicious cycle. I get stressed, lose my appetite, don't eat, suffer low blood sugar, feel awful, get more stressed... I should try not to do that.
 
Hrm hrm. So Friday, yeah, I spent my workday being annoyed with my ex and freaked about my son, yeah? Think so. Well, I went and got my kid. I'd been thinking. The culmination of my thinking is that if my son does not graduate, it just isn't the end of the world. Yes, I want him to. Yes, I'm going to try and motivate and parent and help him. But the thought of him going to Tulsa at this point...he is so clueless. He's never had a job. He doesn't know how to drive. The events of the last few years, with regard to the marriage and divorce of his parents, and the bizarre and dramatic poor life choices of his Dad combined with the stepping off of his Mom and just...the whole damn business...means that certain life skill priorities that should have happened by now, just didn't.

And I don't like letting him go off hundreds of miles from any support network at all, thusly unprepared. If that means I take him back in for some months, at some point, and put some time and effort into him, well...maybe I will have to do that.

But I had him come to my place over the weekend and he did get some of his work done. So. That is something. I should have some idea by the end of this week, if he's going to be able to salvage his American Government class so he can graduate...and if not, I'll have to look into how one goes about getting a kid a GED. I told him that bottom line, three things MUST happen for him to go to Tulsa. 1. He's got to graduate. 2. He's got to get his driver's license, and 3. There needs to be money raised to cover his initial costs to get there and get a place to live.

If any of those three things can't happen, then he can't go. Simple enough. And we look at other alternatives.

Gonna be perfectly frank, too. I miss the boy. I would not mind having a bit more time with him. But I have some very solid lines drawn in the sand. There will be an expiration date on my assistance. The biggest reason he's gonna get pushed out of the nest, is that I will NOT be raising my grandchildren. I won't. I know people who have ended up in that situation, supporting their adult kids and responsible for their grandkids, and I just won't do it. And I'm no fool. Nature will take its course. Eventually, he'll meet a girl and want to Relationship with her...he's already been kinda doing that in high school. So.

I'll help him. For a time.

Got some really good Zen time. Mags, I think it was, who said that he is a natural antidepressant for me. Yes. Yes, he is. I got to his place and at the sight and sound of him, my tensions melt away, and with the first kiss, my body starts accelerating, as the book says, to put it in general terms my desire for sex and intimacy starts firing up. He just does that for me.

Does everybody get that? Have that? How have I been missing that in my whole damn life? I feel like I've been doing it wrong, all along, and now I'm not. If that is "just" NRE, infatuation, lust, limerance, or something of the sort, then why haven't I felt like this, exactly like this, for anyone ever until now? Well. It is wonderful.

For those of you who are on fetlife... If we are friends, feel free to go have a look at the photos from the B&B weekend, he posted them and you can get to his page via my relationship statuses. Easy enough to find.

I was really happy with how some of those turned out, especially this one on the staircase, and he did some cool editing and effects with the pictures, so I do want to share.

If we are not friends there and you want to be, PM me your fetname. I add people fairly liberally but only if I "know" them from somewhere. I don't like complete out of nowhere randos...

So. Friday. We looked at pictures, we went to dinner, we had lovely snuggles. All got right with my world, pretty quick. Saturday, I went back to his place. We had an afternoon and evening of lovey lovey stuff broken by a trip out to a BBQ place for a meal with his friend. His poor friend, whose marital situation reminds me quite a lot of Old Wolf and me at various stages of things. I am able, perhaps, to find good words to clarify things for Zen's friend...if only because I have been there, done that, and between my perspective and the reams of words that Old Wolf has poured into my ear-holes...I know how both the friend and the friend's wife are likely feeling.

Oh, and Zen and I watched a movie called "The Secretary." Well damn it. So it would have been great if I could have just enjoyed it for its own sake as a film with BDSM content (yay) with my delicious Dominant lover. But noooooooooooo........of fucking COURSE NOT. :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

Because guess what? I'd never realized it but not only in looks but in mannerisms and expressions, there is a striking similarity between James Spader and guess who? My former heroin habit guy, The Worm King. And damned if his relationship habits couldn't have been damn near scripted off of that film and damned if I didn't get annoyed. I'm like SEE??? I can't tell if he's rejecting her, or rejecting himself?? Why does he have to be like that?

(EDIT: I feel a need to clarify in case anyone comes along to the blog and hasn't read all the content...(I get it, it's a lot, it's cool)...I call Worm King "my heroin" because at the time I found him very addictive and craveable even though he was clearly bad for me. No actual opiates were involved.)

It was annoying. I actually felt annoyed. Seriously. Like the lawyer in that movie brings on secretaries, and initiates this edgy sort of D/s thing, but then has his stupid freakout and pushes them away (why, if they are both enjoying it, does it have to either escalate or end?? Why can't people just keep doing the thing?) and yeah, wigs out and he fires them and they go off in tears, until that one decides to totally violate his stated position and FORCE him to accept her submission by doing this whole hunger strike in his damn office for three days, and I can't decide who is more fucked up, the guy who does this with his employees and who clearly can't negotiate his way out of a paper bag (are you SURE you're a lawyer??) or the girl who smashes down his boundaries and demands he accept her in his life, and oh, because it's totally romantic, this story ends all "happily ever after" instead of her suing him or him having her arrested. Well it's nonsense.

And similarly, the Worm King seducing women with his edgy behavior on OK Cupid and even though everyone seems to be having a great time, as soon as it seems to be going really well and the woman seems to be having her needs well met and maybe people might start to be feeling things, he blows up and acts like a dick and pushes them away...but only SO far away, and always with the weird and slightly sociopathic "we're still great friends on Facebook" thing, man...

So you KNOW, I couldn't resist. And the exchange went like this:

Me to WK: "Just saw a movie that reminded me of you. The Secretary."

WK: "That's such a great movie!"

Me: "Well, Maggie Gyllenhaal was delightful, I thought. Spader's character was a bit of a flake, though. In real BDSM, obtuse Dominants like that, that's exactly how you get brats. First a worm in the mail, next, it's fucking glitter everywhere..."

WK: "hahahahaha"

We won't speak to one another again for like six months.

Oh, and I was telling some friends who are also into kink about this movie and my reaction to it, and all...and she says, "I actually thought it wasn't that bad a portrayal of BDSM, I mean, it's better than 50 Shades..."

Oh just shut up.

lol Zen in my head, "It's just a movie." Yes. I know.

What always kinda blows my mind a little honestly, is how much I learned from such a brief fling with a dude who should be a footnote in my sexual history though. Like I've said, he cracked the door into several of my desires and gave me just the smallest peek...and then slammed it in my face. I can say with some conviction, he's what convinced me that what I thought was my type before...not really. And that what I should be looking for, was an older sadist. Because of that tease, I was ready for what came later with Zen, where the two of us together kicked the door in, that I'd only had the sneak peek through the crack before. If I'd not had my experience with WK, I likely wouldn't have given Zen a chance, I would have maybe kept looking for love in the wrong places.

But that doesn't stop me from feeling annoyed just thinking about him, so it's probably good that I don't think about him much anymore.

Oh. In other news, I've started on a painting that I hope to try and sell at StarFest in April. And just the start I have made, has my mind exploding with more art ideas. That is EXCITING.

And I'm fighting a smeedge of droppy feels today, and I need to go take a break and eat food. Have pushed away several thought-threads that come with bad feelings, because I'm not feeding the drop and exacerbating that state. And that's where I am at.
 
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Other stuff...

Got into it a little with Old Wolf today, he made some comment about feeling in over his head, and I wanted him to know he was not alone in that sometimes I feel a bit lost and unsure that I'm doing all this shit right, and I wanted to express that maybe no one feels on firm footing after a long relationship breaks up, and maybe the only thing that fixes it is time...

I mean, I dunno, I was trying to say "you're not alone in feeling these things, they're probably natural" and he went off about how he's seeing things more clearly now and he should have left a long time ago, not stayed in a marriage where he wasn't wanted or loved. And he doesn't think he can ever trust women again. (To be 100% crystal clear, I told him MANY times during the course of our marriage, for years, that I was sorry I could not love him in the way he loved me, I often felt guilty over this...I didn't mislead him.)

And you know, it's like yeah, maybe you should have abandoned me and our kids to poverty when they were little because your emotional needs weren't being met. Give me a damn break, you selfish ass. That's my feeling. But I don't say such things. I did point out that if you punish a woman for all of the perceived wrongs done to you by women your whole life (likely from childhood, not necessarily just relationships)...like you take this young woman who hadn't done anything and convince her she is bad and deserves to be seen as bad, because hey...female, hello?...until she basically hates herself and especially her own womanhood, and locks down her sexuality so tight it takes a flogger to bust open the box it's in...well dude, you can't blame that woman for not WANTING AND DESIRING to give love to you. If you don't bring someone joy, don't expect them to experience joy! Crazy, I know. Anyways. I thanked him for reminding me that no, there was not a chance we could have been better if I'd only given it more time, that no, I really am far better off out of this marriage.

With all of the upheaval...the finances, the car, the issues with the kids...sometimes I look back at the periods of relative stability and think that I might have made a huge mistake. But nah. I didn't. It was totally the right call.

So. I thanked him for reminding me of that, and wished him good day. Literally. Ended the email "Good day." All Bilbo Baggins and shit.

I feel so much better right now.

Honestly I did not email him even half the rant that I have at times considered, but it was just enough of the unspoken STUFF that I feel like a little pressure release valve activated and I'm not carrying such a heavy burden. He's responded a couple of times since but I'm ignoring him now.

I mean. I did wish him Good Day. *shrug*

....

So Fire and Hefe. I am so awkward when it comes to grief. Hefe's brother passed, and I want to be there for them...but I feel like I'm intruding, because I did not know his brother. So I compromised with inviting them both out to a quiet restaurant I know of with good food, and offering to buy them both dinner...that is an offer they have not taken me up on yet. And of course the messages of condolences and all. Am I doing enough? Like...should I go over there, or leave them be? I just don't know. My heart hurts for my friends. I love them, and I am sorry this sadness has happened in their lives. And I don't have a lot of experience with loss. The main one being Dave Brockie (GWAR's singer) and I remember that people who didn't know him really couldn't offer me much, but it was getting together with those who did and having a really heartfelt cry together that was the most healing.

So...I just don't know.
 
I checked in this morning on the communications I had ignored yesterday. Old Wolf had ended his ruminations with apologies if he had upset me and stuff and I finally responded back that basically I just hit a brick wall "this is stupid and I need to stop." Like if we couldn't communicate kindly back when any of it might have made any kind of a difference, what in the heck is the point of trying now?? We were able to lay it all to rest. For today, for a while, who knows? But it's all good. Had some financial transactioning to tend to, tended to it, and getting on with life here.

I mean I know, there was that part of me that wanted to reach out a compassionate hand to somebody I cared about and spent so many years with and just say, "Hey, you're not alone. Hang in there." But if he wants to get snappy, I frankly just don't have enough fucks left to give... He is up there with Song now, and even if he winds up hating my guts and even if I feel like that is unfair, I need to keep a sense of calm and leave it all be. It isn't always easy, that's all. It can be hard, I think, to let someone have the last word and judge you when you don't think that is right or ok. To remember that this person's judgments have no reflection on the reality I live in and to just let it go and let it be.

People we've talked to have admired how amicable we have been...a lot of that is just a very deliberate attempt and only goes to a certain depth, it's mostly superficial. And it leaves a lot of unspoken and unaddressed turbulence under the surface. I think I've hoped that turbulence would just settle, and I think maybe that does happen, it just takes time...and once in a while it sort of bubbles up and I've got to let it calm again, or vent a bit of steam. At least it feels that way on my end. I can't speak for him and I don't want to.

So.

Since I'm mentally on the subject of troubled relationships, I'm going to contemplate Zen's friend. I want to use nicknames and I cannot think of anything brilliant or clever at the moment, but Zen said his buddy loves Batman so I'm going to refer to him and his wife as Batman and Batgirl for now. If I think of anything better, I'll let ya'll know.

It's kinder and easier than Mr. Ego and his wife, Mrs. Ignoring You.

Or Lady Talk-To-The-Wall. Madame La Disconnecte?

Batman and Batgirl shall do for now.

I'll give it to Batman, I do not think he's as clueless and obtuse about his wife's needs and the situation he is facing, as Old Wolf was and is. I think that he's got a better chance, and he's at least TRYING. I also have a feeling he wants me to talk to his wife, and I know for a fact that Zen does. My gift at reading between the lines tells me, he wants me to promise not to discuss kink with his wife in such a way that might lead to her becoming interested in things that he is not, he wants to preserve her innocence and vanilla-ness...but he wants me to get in there and tell her (maybe) how great it is to have an active sex life and that she should try harder to enjoy getting it on with her guy or something. Maybe "Yeah, my libido was broken and I fixed it, you should too!" but without any of the how and why that I fixed it? I dunno. That'll be um...impossible.

LOL!

She apparently talked to other women who are part of her teaching community, and was told that a lack of interest in sex is kind of normal, so she has some validation that what she's dealing with is not that odd and therefore she's not driven to "fix the problem"...and he is over on the other side of all this saying, "No, not wanting sex is unhealthy. I'm healthy, you're not, and you need to fix the problem since clearly it is on your end."

Uh oh. God I wish I could get him (and her) to read Come As You Are.

For me that book was illuminating, and I thought man, if I'd read it all those years ago when things first started being problematic, it might have made a difference with me and my ex. Well, honestly? Maybe not. It would have helped me to understand the nature of the problem. Understanding doesn't always lead to a "fix." But it's hard to fix anything WITHOUT it. Right now the Bat-couple is operating mostly in the dark. He sort of gradually built up all this baggage and resentment, until she pretty firmly disconnected from her feelings of love and intimacy towards him, and now he's freaking out trying to repair the problem, but he's pretty sure the problem is in her head, although he's willing to make some adjustments and try to be more loving and attentive to her NOW that he wants something to happen as a result. Unfortunately a.) too little too late maybe, and b.) it is hard to believe in the sincerity of a man's affectionate gestures when he is clearly desperate to get laid. Especially after years of behavior that felt dismissive of one's feelings. It's like "yeah NOW it matters to you, how I feel. Now that you're not getting sex. I see."

And I wish I could express something to him in particular, maybe to her too just for the sake of conversation, but at the same time I would really want them to grasp that I'm not trying to sell anyone on anything...

In my personal view, a tremendous part of why D/s dynamics are cool and lovely in relationships is the simple fact that they help people avoid taking one another for granted. Particularly when you live together and have a long term thing. I come to this from the /s side, having gone to lots of discussion groups, mostly with /s-types. I know of a marriage that was on the brink of ending. The kids were grown, they were sleeping in separate beds. And she discovered kink, started reading up, and brought it to him as a last ditch "maybe we could try this" thing. And it didn't just save their marriage, they act like two people who are IN LOVE again. She can't stop talking about him. They got a more experienced Master to mentor them, and started doing not only bedroom stuff, but some protocols and rituals. She loves to talk about how every morning, she makes him his smoothie and she writes him a little love note, "I love you because..." and every day it must be different. He writes the date on them, and saves them in a book.

See, the thing is...he is paying attention to her. And she is taking the time to consciously think about the reasons she loves him. And in D/s situations where the D stops paying adequate attention to the s, then often enough the s acts "bratty" or deliberately (or not) does little things that say "HAY! Please give me some attention? You are ignoring my needs!" and then the D has to "punish" them (pay very serious attention to them.) And it causes a re-connection of focus. And what you want to bet they go on to TALK about whatever happened? Yeah.

Do I think that power exchange is a solution that would work for anyone or everyone? No, of course not! Probably not even the majority. But the point is, that there is so much more going on besides the obvious. And "Batman" thinks it's all about freaky sex stuff, and since she's only gotten what information he's seen fit to share with her, unless she's done a bit of research on the sly (and she's very intelligent so that is quite possible)...she may also think it's primarily about weird fetish sex.

Honestly, I just want people in general to know that there is so much more to it. It's a complex business, and people bring to BDSM what they need and want, anyways. It's as complicated as people are. It most CERTAINLY is not all about sex. I don't even think it's primarily about sex, at least sex as the basic genital-centric acts that most Americans think of it as. If you expand sex to include all of the intimate things people do to give themselves and each other all sorts of sensations, then sure...we can up the percentage that is about THAT. But while it can greatly enhance a sexual experience, I don't get off on pain itself. I get high on it. But I don't get aroused by it. And for me, there just isn't anything sexual about being, for instance, set on fire. I enjoy how it feels and I am delighted by it in other ways but I'm not sexually aroused by it.

But I think that experiencing these things together can deepen a bond as it grows between people. There's a lot of cool exploration of our selves. And much like poly, there is that culture of talking about all kinds of things and being more self aware. I just...I want to sort of generally clear up misconceptions. I've had some vanillas act weird in that "you're trying to persuade me to do something, like join your cult or convert to your group, right??" sort of way. That annoys me. I wish that humans in general could get more comfortable with the "your kink is not my kink and that's ok" concept. LOL I think I'm going to work into conversation with "Batman" next time we're all hanging out, "Your vanilla is not my vanilla, and that's ok."

But to the point, the real true point, is that there are those self awareness and communication things that those who do unusual stuff with relationships often emphasize... So maybe we don't all do it perfectly, we are certainly human and fallible. But we TRY. And I think that a lot of mono-nillas, muggles, whatever, normal folks, at least here in the USA, are almost scared to even talk about feelings and sex and important things in relationships. It's like they just jump in there and expect it all to go the way they want. And then when it's time to try and problem solve, for problems that likely only exist because they weren't communicating well all along, then they really struggle. I wish that concepts of understanding yourself and your partner(s) and informed consent and so on were more universal, that's all.

So. Zen has been trying for years to get through to his friend. Maybe I can help. I'm certainly hoping to try.
 
Any reason you can't say (or type) "here is this awesome book I found very helpful!" (Amazon link).' Or are you not supposed to know about their problems?
 
Any reason you can't say (or type) "here is this awesome book I found very helpful!" (Amazon link).' Or are you not supposed to know about their problems?

Well, Batman has told me himself, about their problems, but I don't know if Batgirl knows that I know what I know. Y'know?

And Batman has shown a resistance to listening or heeding Zen's good advice, so he felt that he would not read a book and would proceed along his normal M.O. of "I'm right and anyone who disagrees with me is wrong." Well, frankly...he might be just desperate enough to start listening.

Interesting update.

Went to lunch with Zen today.

And the news is that Batman is willing to read the book, they both are, so as soon as Zen is done reading my copy, he's gonna pass it on to them. (I did indicate I was willing to lend it, I don't mind lending books unless they'd be difficult or expensive to replace.)

I had mentioned the book to Batman last time we were all out to dinner. He was noncommittal at the time. But honestly at this point, I think he also has the position of wanting to prove to (anyone) that he has done all he could, so that if things do fall apart, it won't be seen as his fault. He is not doing this consciously. It's a buried motivation, he probably is not remotely aware of.
 
Damn spammers!

Russian nonsense is one thing, but posting porn on people's blogs is QUITE another. Why, I wonder, has the board become so incredibly spammy in recent times? I don't remember it being this way before!

I blame trump...

So I went down to Old Wolf's old house (my old house too I guess, though I've been out for longer) on Sunday, and at this point, it is being rented to:

a friend of the family (who is...kind of like family)
her husband
her four children
her two small dogs
her two (or three?) cats
her two (or more?) ferrets
her son's hamster(s)
her boyfriend (they're poly)
and his son.

...and she is pregnant with (boyfriend's) twins.

Now, please don't get me wrong, I LIKE these people, I really really do. It's just that is a lot of circus, and a lot of monkeys, man. And I find that since I'm in the phase where my kids are teens and are semi independent and I'm looking forward to having an empty nest here in just a few years, I'm not as socially comfortable with people who are still raising small children.

But hey, it is official and my name is off the house, and I don't care what they do to the property, none of that is my problem!

I did offer, as a friend, to answer any questions they might have about things like the plumbing or the attic access or how to work the sprinkler system, etc. And then I went over Sunday, mainly because we'd all agreed I should have a look in this one storage closet to see if any of the junk in there was anything I wanted or needed to take.

Well... I thought (and I was right) that I'd taken everything that had importance or meaning to me, already. That's true. If everything left there went right in the trash, I'd have no problem whatsoever with that. But Old Wolf was, in the absence of my intervention, a hoarder. Plain and simple. And I don't just mean he had lots of stuff. I mean that his stuff, was usually crap. (Yes, credit to Carlin for the stuff/crap thing.) He never threw anything out, ever. But he would gather loose things and shovel them into boxes or plastic tubs, and then stuff them away in storage or stack them along walls. Nothing EVER sorted or organized in any way. He'd say that this tub was tools, but in reality, it's one of a wall of tubs, there are tools scattered in all of them, and a random object pulled from any had just as high a chance of being a dirty sock, a piece of 8 year old junk mail, or a torn up paperback sci fi novel, as it was to wind up being a hammer. Objects that are broken? Mixed in the boxes and tubs with everything else. A million miles of wires and cables, birthday cards, baby wipes, black lights, junk junk junk. Unsorted in containers (if one is lucky) and stuffed and stacked everywhere.

And the new tenants, to be fair, have plenty of stuff of their own! They are buried right now. Absolutely buried.

I took, last Sunday, a van-load of bagged trash back to my apartment complex and put it in their dumpster. I don't mind doing this. They have a bin and they're allowed two additional bags with the bin each week, after that there is additional cost. That is, if they have put the trash in their name, I have no idea if they had any arrangement with Old Wolf. I'm no longer monitoring those situations. Not really my problem. But I do feel bad that they are dealing with piles of stuff, much of which was accumulated during my marriage, that Old Wolf stashed and hoarded. I would like to help.

Old Wolf just up and left a whole lot of stuff. So. I have offered to come back down there Sunday again and maybe take some of the random boxes and tubs off their hands entirely, if they don't feel like going through them. I mean, they are welcome to. But if they don't wanna. I'm not trying to lay claim to anything if they want it, but I'm thinking there might be some useful stuff buried in all the crap, who knows? Meh. Anyhow.

I'm like well...on the one hand, cleaning up his mess does not appeal to me much. On the other, maybe he left his dremel behind in one of those tubs. I could use a free dremel. ??

......

From Facebook, a friend asked, "Do I know any girls who would be willing to dabble in adult film? This is a legit question." (A woman asked it. A cool woman.) And one of the responses cracked me up... "Will we be filmed paying bills and preparing our taxes?" "No, that's an adulting film. Big difference." "Can we do an adult adulting film?"

Um, as a proud accounting nerd, I fully support this idea. I may have to create a spreadsheet of all the reasons it would be cool. Possibly hire a consultant. Maybe convene a committee, just a little bit.
 
My 15 year old's Facebook today:

"Wot in tarnation

Whot in tarnizzle

What in Taxation Without Representation?!

What'mt In Grammaticalization?!?!"

Comment from one of his friends:

"Wot in if you or a loved one has been diagnosed with mesothelioma you may be entitled to financial compensation."

Followed by my son commenting with that weird flailing bird .gif.

Kids are a trip man.
 
Naked tax preparation could be quite a gig?
 
I'm a collector/picker. If my ex had many boxes of stuff, some of which might have monetary value, and he left them behind (because he's an irresponsible ass), I'd take them all and sort through! Give some stuff to friends, donate some, toss the crap, and keep whatever I could use or sell.
 
Naked tax preparation could be quite a gig?

So the accounting version would be what?

Less pants, more exemptions!
(In my friend's case, I would say that's arguably true, but SOME of us are most definitely NOT trying to make any more small humans...!!)

Less pants, more deductions!
Hm...

None of them have quite the ring of "Less pants, more science!" I dunno.

I think I need to not elaborate further. I have twice now tried to go from here with my thoughts, but wound up wayyyyy down a rabbit hole of being bitchy and fussy about cultural and social constructs regarding modesty, nudity, the basic concept of temptation=entitlement, etc. I'm not in the mood to grump about stuff today, so I deleted both of those rambles.

I'll describe a thing that happened. I was at a discussion group, and I spoke about how happy I was that the community and parties offered a safe space for me to be naked in my skin around others. It just isn't that big a deal, everyone is used to seeing naked people. And I love that. I had a scene once with someone who was interested but not in a community, it was a private thing at a kink venue overseen by the Domme who runs the place. Afterwards he said, "I've seen you naked. I know what you look like naked now," with this weird grin. I was like..."So? Lots of people have. It really isn't a big deal, dude."

And this guy at the discussion group got this sad, head shaking sort of look and said, "But...I liked when it was special, getting to see someone naked. I like when it means something."

I am NOT going to elaborate on all the reasons why, but this angers me. I don't agree. I don't like the concepts and the ideologies that prop up that man's view, that stand behind it.

And I'll just stop right there.

So... ...

I went to dinner with Fire and Hefe last night. We went to this Italian place that I've been to with Zen and his friends, before. Mostly because I wanted to suggest a quiet place. Such a terrible loss, Hefe's brother passed at a relatively young age and it was really unexpected and sudden...which just generally makes losing someone a WHOLE lot more traumatic to process. I think that he's hanging in there, but it probably comes and goes where sometimes it doesn't seem real, other times it's probably like a physical pain, and sometimes he is able to function and interact and cope...and I know how that feels.

And we talked about kink scene stuff that's going on, and I agreed to try and do a bit more volunteering.

Mostly I get scared to commit myself too much or be counted on too much because there WILL be times that I've GOT to focus on my kids, or other things, and I hate to let it get to a point where I'm being relied upon if I might not always be totally reliable. But at the same time, there are some unsustainable situations going on with the club, and without more support...it won't keep going forever if some of these conditions continue. A small pool of volunteers who are liable to get burned out being a significant concern. I love my dungeon, there's nothing else quite like it, and I really want to see it continue. So I will put more energy and effort in if I can.

I wish sometimes I could show my calendar to people. I mean, I've got stuff scribbled all over it. And at the heart of things, I am so very wrapped up in my relationship with Zen...I want to be with him any time and every time that I possibly can. I crave him with a rather fierce intensity. Like, we can go do kink scene stuff together, that's cool, and getting to do public scenes sometimes is something that has a lot of value to me. But I often just need to be all smooshed up against him, skin against skin, and immerse my senses in him for a time. So I'm kind of defensive of his space in my schedule.

And I wonder how things will be when we live together? Good, I think. Very good, I hope.

But yeah, I think I can commit to being the door person or something more often than I've done.

And hopefully one day I'll get back on my feet financially and be able to make periodical $$ donations. And maybe I can kick my own butt into making more art and contribute to the gallery/consignment studio end of things they do there, too. I certainly have some very exciting ideas.

And it looks like Fire and Hefe might be moving in June, and I'm planning to move in June, and Zen will be moving in with me, and another friend of ours is also moving in June....like EVERYONE is moving in June. It's nuts! We need to come together and hire a goon squad of strong young backs to wander all over town moving people in and out of places, I almost think... I intend to get a new lease on or before 6/15, which will overlap my own lease through 6/24 when it expires and give me some time to get my relocation done...
 
I'm a collector/picker. If my ex had many boxes of stuff, some of which might have monetary value, and he left them behind (because he's an irresponsible ass), I'd take them all and sort through! Give some stuff to friends, donate some, toss the crap, and keep whatever I could use or sell.

Yeah, I'm conflicted about it.

On the one hand, I'm right there with ya.

Like "what if there's something good in those boxes?" And to a certain point, there might be, but the thing is...I also know him and lived with his mess for a long time, and so I've got some idea of what he has and what he hasn't got, and what he took versus what he left behind.

1. He didn't have much that really had value, like if he had tools, they were cheap tools. He didn't have valuable collectibles except stuff like his guns, which he took with him. Most of it...almost all of it, I suspect...needs to go in the trash.
2. He didn't take care of anything. I used to keep my most treasured personal belongings well out of his path. He had no sense of the value of anything. One time I had this shirt, it was like a hockey jersey but printed with GWAR logos. Rare, and worth $100-200 depending on the market and condition of the item. It was too big for me, and Old Wolf liked it. This was a few years ago, and we were on decent terms, so I let him have it to wear (stupid!) Later, I said, "If that isn't particularly special to you, if it's just a shirt, can I have it back? It's worth money." He gave it back, no fuss.

But after he'd been wearing it, one seam was coming undone, and the logo on the front was fading from him throwing it in the wash with everything else all the time.

It never mattered to him that something was valuable. Stuff was stuff was stuff. If he owned it, it was for his use, and he used things hard and handled and stored them carelessly. I would not be so harsh if it were just the occasional thing, but I'd say with some confidence, if you want something to stay in decent condition, don't let it anywhere near him. Don't let him touch it, move it, borrow or use it. Ever.

But like, one of the bags of trash I hauled last weekend had a hole in it, and it was junk from one of his closets, and a pair of scissors fell out. Perfectly good scissors. There have been enough times that I didn't have a pair of scissors to hand that I am not going to just throw them out.

And if I find paperbacks that are in readable shape (his often get so crushed and mishandled they're falling apart or you find them in a box torn in half or smooshed, water damaged, etc) I could always sell them to a used bookstore or even donate them to someplace. So, yeah...there is reason to maybe go through his crap, even if it IS mostly...crap.

The only problem is TIME. I don't have much. And I hate to waste an entire day, that I could use to make a $300 painting, scavenging after $25 in usable odds and ends. Seems penny smart, pound foolish...
 
OK so this is completely nuts, a truly odd coincidence...

When I was scoping out this area originally, back in 2011 when we were planning our move here to Colorado Springs from Washington state, I had my eye on this one house. I really loved it. I gazed at the photos longingly and eventually it was rented before I got a chance to try and nail it down, since it was available well in advance of when I planned to move.

That house. The very fucking house. Is now up for rent again. MY HOUSE. (not really) Wouldn't it be a trip, if we wound up renting it? It's available (according to the listing) on 5/8. I was planning my move for 6/15ish since my lease is up 6/24 where I'm at.

I actually don't know if the layout is friendly to what we need, it is only a 3BR and I was kind of hoping for 4... But I am mighty tempted to arrange to go see it, just for the fun of putting eyes on it in person after having mooned over the pictures so long. I mean I even did Google Street-view wanders all around the whole area back then. When I saw the listing on Zillow today I was like NO...no way...holy shit, it is!!

Hm. I might call 'em and arrange to go see it on like a Saturday when Zen can go, maybe we can check it out together.

I mean, it could be like the Jukes. When I needed to trade in my van (may she rest in peace) I test drove a Nissan Juke. I'd had my eye on them, been noticing them on the roads for I dunno, a year or two maybe. I thought they were cute and funky looking. Unusual. Well I test drove one, and I HATED IT. Sometimes you get in there and what you'd built up in your mind just ain't all that. I no longer covet the Jukes. Though I do like the...I dunno...AWD hatchback?...concept... Not quite an SUV, but bigger than a car, with SOME hauling ability... Like the Outbacks. And other similar things.

Oddly though I saw a car in this class (but far more rounded than your Outbacks, almost a sort of bug-shape) that had, shit you not, PORCHE on the back of it. I don't know what model that thing was, but I was like seriously?? Porche makes...whatever the hell that is...?

So yeah. I wanna go look at that house! I has a curious!!
 
Uh oh.

Fetlife is down right now... One site says "for maintenance" and man, I can only hope so! I'm getting kind of paranoid and worried about these things...we actually had a discussion topic not long ago of how our dungeon would operate without it.

Thing is, I know a lot of old guard who would laugh at that, but the dungeon has only been open a few years, and one of the owners subsidizes the cost out of his own pocket I think because it's expensive to run. I personally think they could charge more than they do for things sometimes, but that's just me. But the point is, they operate on a shoestring budget if that. Losing the main source of advertisement and promotion...that would suck. A lot.

I might go to see that second 50 Shades movie and try to talk to people and hand out cards, after all. *cringe*

Man I hope fet comes back up...
 
Relief, it's back up now. I'm glad it WAS just maintenance or whatever.

Never know nowadays...

I took the morning off, and went down to talk to Ninja. He has a few classes he struggles with and one of those I am pretty sure he won't pass no matter what he does. However, his teacher and school counselor keep harping on, "Well there is still time, if he does all the work, and turns in all the late work, he can still make it..." and man, the kid had a 14% and he's got like 2 months to get his grade up to at least a 60% to pass. And it's an AP class with very challenging work. I just don't see it happening.

And what worries me is this...

If he fails that one class, but passes the other two he needs, then he only has to get that one credit to have his diploma. He could do it over the summer, in an online class, and just knock it out. One class.

Alternately, he could struggle and scramble and try to pass the one class, and jeopardize his ability to pass about three classes he needs, just by stretching his energy way too thin. I would rather he devote his energy to passing the other two, which bounce from C to F and back all the time, and I think are likely passable for him, even if he fails one class, as opposed to failing two or three by even a narrow margin.

I think it is time to strategically stop putting effort into American Gov. so that he can pass Multicultural Lit and Creative Writing, in other words.

I also strongly feel that he is not ready to go to Tulsa. Even if he passed, he doesn't know how to drive and his plans were sketchy and lame. I think he could use a little more time being parented, to figure out what he is doing, before he is put out there into the world.

So I wanted to address these things with the boy. And I did. He feels he can and wants to pass ALL the classes and graduate on time, but I made very clear to him that if he didn't pass ONE it's not the end of the world, but what he does not want to do under any circumstances, is fail more than one. One is easy to make up. Two or three, less so. And he is ok with not going to the welding school in Tulsa just yet (if at all, since I pointed out that during this time he might look into local vocational schools. There's an engineering school not far from me for instance. Might be better than something out of state.)

So that was good. Then it was my plan to try and get the next step in my name change done, and go to the social security administration office...

I went, and stood in a line for 20 minutes just to get in to the security guard, who needed me to take off my belt and my coat and who went through my purse. He pulled out my vape pen and told me I had to go put it in my car, I couldn't bring it in. I asked if someone (him) could just hang onto it until I left and he said that no, he'd have to throw it in the trash if I left it.

I looked through the metal detector, which I hadn't even gotten to yet, and saw a waiting area full of people. Maybe 50 or more. And only a few desks with bureaucrats helping the herd of supplicants penned up therein.

I decided I do not have the time for this shit today, and I took my stuff and left.

It's cool, I mean, the last few times I've been to the DMV, and yesterday when I went to the courthouse, those experiences have actually been remarkably efficient and painless. I haven't had to wait hours on the paper pushers of the world, since I was dealing with the military bureaucracy when my ex was in the Army. So maybe it is my "file in triplicate" karma that I need a good long "take a number and have a seat" to make up for all of those previous recent good experiences, fast lines, and short waits.

But it will not be today. I had to get to work. I'll have to try another day.

Funny though, I actually still have an old social security card, from when I was a kid (I actually signed it in print, in my probably 10 or 11 year old handwriting.) Maybe I could just use that, to go get my license and stuff, and bug them some later time when I get around to it. ??

*sigh* I hate how so many of these kinds of offices are only open during times when I am at work. And when most people are at work. It really sucks. Oh well. Life, I guess.

I couldn't get too annoyed with being turned away over my vape, as dumb as that might have been, because even if they'd let me right in, the crowd inside was probably a few hours' wait...and I needed to get to work.

Going to see my Zen tonight. I'm happy about that.

And I'm selling some more of my GWAR memorabilia. The lawyer said I could sell my assets if I was selling them for fair market value, and using the proceeds to pay my lawyer's fees, so that's what I'm doing. I am not thrilled to part with some of this stuff, but at the same time...I'm not as nuts for GWAR as I've been in the past; I need the money more than I need a bunch of shirts I don't wear, even if they are VERY RARE AND HIGHLY COLLECTIBLE IN PERFECT LIKE NEW CONDITION...*twitch, twitch.*

Like I have things that aren't merely out of production, I have no idea what the production run was because I've never seen another just like it and for all I know a bandmember had it specifically made just for themselves. I have a button up "work shirt" like that, with some really cool logos on it, and a canvas jacket. Both so rare that they might be one of a kind. And I wouldn't be at all shocked if they were at one time owned by someone in the band. Thing is, the guys have gone through plenty of broke spells where they sold their stuff online or to friends or fans. I have bought tons of stuff from a former bassist. He decided to sell off a bunch of shirts, and unloaded 'em in a Facebook fan group, auction style. That's the thing about GWAR though, they are crack-like to those inclined to collect stuff. They have, over their 30 years, put out lots of weird items (like a tabletop RPG game with little figures, also collectible as heck and of course I've got all of them AND a promo shirt for when they were advertising the game at conventions...) and there are tons of posters and props and shotglasses, matchboxes, belt buckles...I even have a GWAR condom, still new and plastic wrapped. And everything, even the mass produced t-shirts, has a limit to how long it's in production.

Zen has his collecting habits. He will understand, I think, this habit of mine.

And I don't mind downsizing, especially to accomplish some of my other objectives like getting the lawyer paid and the bankruptcy done. But there's a lot of stuff I hope to hang onto, pretty much forever...

Anyhow, my auctions are doing pretty well now, so that is good.
 
Too much going on. This is why I get twitchy about community involvement. I have such a push-me-pull-you with my social interactions. I love people. But then I feel overwhelmed, especially when I look at the calendar...

Well. Friday was First Fridays Jam Night at Voodoo, which is generally fun stuff. Saturday the play party. A woman I am quite fond of...and was intrigued with the thought of being perhaps a bit closer to, maybe...actually showed up. She rarely comes out to anything and I hadn't seen her in a long time. That was cool. And I am learning the new processes to work the door, so I'll be doing that more often.

Yesterday I went back down to the house and helped haul some more stuff out. Another van load of trash.

I've got to get to the post office, get cat food, and put away laundry today, and I have a few other things on the to-do list, to knock out between today and tomorrow. There is a mid-week play party at Voodoo on Wednesday that I might attend, a discussion group on Thursday, and Game Night on Friday. Saturday next, a baby shower for my friend who is carrying twins, and Sunday another discussion group...

And I need to find time to help out with a couple of other projects for Voodoo... And I need to find time to get down to the Social Security office with regards to my name change, and get down to the DMV on account of the same, and then there's selling stuff to pay my lawyer and doing all of the bankruptcy paperwork, continuing to help clear out Old Wolf's junk from the house, needing to get the boys in to see various doctors and dentists and needing to see an eye doctor myself, plus of course since I am busy and life is hectic, now would be the time that my insurance has to be followed up with to get things covered, can't have them just pay out like they are supposed to, NO of course not....stuffstuffstuffstuff...and people wonder why the notion of going back to college makes me cringe.

Oh and it's precious, how one's employer feels that one should have NO HIGHER PRIORITY than being a good, dependable employee, and one's children's school feels that one should have NO HIGHER PRIORITY than being a "partner" in one's children's educational success...

You know, maybe I should realistically just plan to go back to college once my kids are grown. Perhaps that's what needs to happen then. I mean, I always feel like "when the kids are grown and out" is the tipping point for a big reevaluation of whatever I am doing in life at that point. With them not relying on me for support and shelter (because frankly, they'd better not)...I will then be able to figure out what my top priorities and goals and what direction my life is going. Maybe that's the point to decide whether to finish my degree, or devote my time and energy to building and initiating a business related to my creative abilities.

I mean, I am not talking about making a living from hobby type activities, or selling on Etsy. I'm thinking a slick website and possibly a brick-and-mortar, and not only art, but also "sculptural furniture" and perhaps clothing and jewelry...and not only that of my own making but also buying and selling what others produce as well. It won't just be a gallery, there will be USEFUL and functional things sold there, too. And I always wanted to incorporate some kind of a coffee shop. Like, lure them in with coffee and treats, and sell them cool stuff once they're in the door. Once upon a time I wanted to try and also incorporate body modification (tattooing and piercing) in the shop, too...but I'm feeling like that is, as Zen says, "a bridge too far." Taking on too many various elements and health codes and whatnot.

Thing is, being in business for myself isn't something I will tackle if I have kids depending on me, and I also won't try to do this if I am still in any debt. With the bankruptcy, I'll still have student loans and my car loan to pay off...and I still have a little over 3 years to go with my younger son, assuming he's ready to step off into the world when he graduates.

I hate risk. So I won't be comfortable trying something like this unless it feels like a pretty safe bet. And if it is successful, I think that Zen, if he wants to, could be a partner in the whole endeavor. Running your own business is a lot of effort, after all. But we will see. The other path has always been to finish out this Accounting degree and get a position on the payroll of a company, making significantly more than I do now. There are options. I have not written that one off, but I struggle to contemplate how I'd fit it into the life I lead today.

So my thoughts are spinning off in all kinds of directions, into the future. For now...I try to keep working on art, and hope to sell a painting here and there.

The one I am making for StarFest is really promising. Just the way the canvas came out when I prepared it, looking and feeling rather like an expanse of black leather...it's going to be amazing. I'm really excited about it.
 
Mm. Another thought.

I was down at the house yesterday and we were sitting around chatting a while. And I referred to Fire, I think I was talking about a photo shoot or something, or her encouragement to me, to be involved in more community stuff. Whatever. The people I was talking to, these close family-friends who now rent Old Wolf's house, they are former community members, and know many people in the community, so I was kind of getting them up to speed on any news and current state of things. Just chatting. So anyhow they do not know Fire and we had a "Fire who?" moment and I had to explain she was part of the polycule I was in blahblahblah.

Well the guy kept referring to her as my "ex" then and I felt uncomfortable about that but I wasn't sure how to explain to him why... First of all, "my ex" is like, "THE Ex" which is Old Wolf. Secondly, I don't really think of my former quad as "ex" type people. Like for me...an ex is someone who no longer has standing or an honored place in my life. Like I'm cool if we all move to different corners of the earth and never talk again, even if we aren't hostile. I've withdrawn not just sex but the entirety of the relationship.

With the quad...as I've said, towards the end, it just felt to me like what we were doing was close, like-family, friendship. Intimate and loving friendship, with the very occasional bit of benefits thrown in. Now I know that frequency of sex varies in relationships and it was not JUST that we weren't having sex enough. There was stuff about my growing investment in Zen, that was contrasting the warm mellow thing I had with the quad, and there was some "escalator maybe?" going on in the Zen picture. But with the infrequency of sex, I felt like taking it off the table, particularly where the men were concerned...well, it wasn't happening THAT often anyways! I just felt like we changed some labels around and went from one sort of easy thing, to a different sort of easy thing...or at least that was my intent. I did not REALLY want to "break up" so much as I just wanted to step sideways, like "let's continue to have relationships in the broader sense of the word, just not necessarily a girlfriend-type-relationship."

Though I am certainly happy to have Fire involved in my sex life sometimes, so long as it doesn't cause hurt to Hefe, because I agreed to Zen being the only man I share sex with. I would rather go without sex with Fire, than hurt a friend that I care about. But I think he is ok with her having a bit of fun with me on occasion, like we did at the one play party. So.

I just don't like thinking of any of them as an "ex." That's all. To me, that implies that the best part of what we were to each other, is in the past. It's over. And to me, the friendship is more valuable. It means a lot.

Along those lines, ostensibly remaining "friends" with Old Wolf? Well, we don't have to attack each other and we do cooperate, but "friends" is definitely overstating it. We aren't friends. We are exes, who remain friendly/cordial, either out of residual concern or (more likely) because of shared parenting obligations and mutual pieces of business we have to communicate about. But there is a stiffness, an awkwardness, and a discomfort to our interactions. We would rather not have to deal with one another. THAT is an "ex."

Heck. Worm King is a sort of ex, or an ex-fuckbuddy. There isn't enough connection or care left there to be worth much. The best parts of whatever would ever be between us, are DEFINITELY in the past.

To me, an ex is someone I would not want to go on vacation with. Would I go on a trip with Fire, Hefe, and Analyst, given the chance? Yeah, I would! I would prefer if Zen were along, too, of course, but I would. And I'd totally have a great time. (I don't consider such to be likely, just illustrating how I feel about them and how it is different from the mentality I attach to an "ex.")

Anyhoo. Just thinkin'.
 
Yeah, I've been tracking that, too. I dunno, I think the recent outage was just maintenance; it was very temporary. But the events described by this article are what caused me to freak out about it when I couldn't log in.

In my community, we're basically trying to fortify ourselves for the day the site is just gone.... :(
 
Yeah, I've been tracking that, too. I dunno, I think the recent outage was just maintenance; it was very temporary. But the events described by this article are what caused me to freak out about it when I couldn't log in.

In my community, we're basically trying to fortify ourselves for the day the site is just gone.... :(

I hope it doesn't get shut down! I keep thinking about joining. They can't close it now! :(
 
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