Mistakes.. made a trip to see Husbands GF.

The last few posts have helped a lot. Thank you for taking the time to post these. I know some of the things I need to work on. FOr now, I need a bit of distance, and distraction, some artistic outlet to take my mind off of it. Its been like a solid week of this.. I need a break :) Thank you all for you help.

Love and nurture yourself. :)

Wishing you the best.
 
I just thought I would chime in with my limited experience.. My husband and I have been in a triad with my BFF for about 18 months now..

We did group dates and group sex only for the first 8 months... as we all became more comfortable the relationship progressed.. we continued with group dates but started having alone dates with our girlfriend.. the alone dates did not involve sex at first.. after about about 4 months it was agreed than alone dates no longer had any boundaries and sex was ok..

So it took us 14 months to reach the point of sex relations occurring with our girlfriend on alone dates..

It took time and communication over a period of time.. we all took it one step at a time as it was our first experience..

We continue to all have group dates and alone dates..

This has been our experience..

Good luck
 
I'm doing a lot better today, I feel like I made a breakthrough yesterday to be able to slowly proceed.

Everyone in our group has decided to slow things down and proceed slowly. One step at a time. I think part of the complication(perhaps it is what helps) is that Her and I are very close friends as well.

But everyone is in agreement of slowing things down, because she and my husband both were caught off guard by their lack of control. Mostly my husband, he knew some things were hurting me, but he felt a lack of control to stop. Ive told him not to beat himself up about it, that the situation set us up for this.

Going down, the trip, Initially, and everyone was aware, there may be nothing going on (naive on all our parts perhaps). Our initial rules were much more restrictive, and everyone agreed on them.

My husband and I had time to read the book, and go through some jealousy worksheets during the 13 hour drive (And keep in mind, I'm the one who was furthest behind with what I was comfortable with, so everyone was looking at me for what was going to be ok). I felt very confident in lifting a lot of the initial restrictions we had.

I just wasnt prepared.. None of us were prepared for the intensity that the restrictions probably caused, none of us were prepared to witness affections for the first time in front of us.

My husband and I are taking a step back (still maintaining the friendships) and everyone is on board with this. We have always said the friendship was much more important.

I feel confident that Husband and GF can resume soon with romantic relations once they feel comfortable and if they decide to.

But they are going slow.

In the meantime my husband are going to go to meetups to meet other "poly" to find a support system in dealing with things that do crop up, and have someone to talk to. And were reading our books.

This was a decision made by both of us. He felt unprepared as well.

He and I have connected on very very deep levels over the course of the last few days. And he has been amazing in understanding, and I think he feels the same with me.

I feel this experienced has helped, and hope that it helps us move forward. I think the friendships are going to be ok, and if they resume, that will also be ok.

And thank you for the resources that were shared, we will be looking these over as well.
 
So her husband put a stop to everything. Not friendship and interactions but anything beyond that. I was actually a bit surprised I wasn't relieved, but actually disappointed.

It was after I told him that I wasn't going to persue anything with him, I just wanted to make that clear so he did not have those expectations. And after I told him I had no intentions of pulling the plug but just working through it.

Its so strange and conflicting that I know I'm being his sounding board for advice and workthroughs, and also letting both my husband and Gf confide in me about their disappointments... it's so strange..

With what I went through this past week and how hard it was, I feel like I should just be relieved... but I really find I'm hoping this can be worked through..
 
Hi Astirarose,

Sorry to hear that her husband put a stop to everything ... just when you were beginning to get some things worked out. That's frustrating. I'm hoping he'll change his mind, but I'd be surprised if he did. :(

I guess at least you learned some things that you can carry over to your next poly situation, whenever that is.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
Going to throw out that if you haven't read (and your partner and their partner's) haven't read More than Two then you absolutely need to. Most all the issues you talked about (The rules, the communication, the first meeting, the jealousy, etc) are covered so WELL in that book.

Regardless, the most important thing to remember is own your own emotions.

And then deal with them. Responsibly, Ethically, and openly. Placing 1001 rules on other people to try and protect your emotions will only result in more emotions, more hurt, more anger, and more broken hearts.

Galagirl always gives amazing advice. So that's mine. Get the book. Read the book. Make sure YOU are at a place you can handle poly.

Good luck.
 
Lea, I have loved her advice so far. We do have that book, but haven't read it all. And I agree.

We wont be trying to date again until we know we are at the point that we can do it without a hundred restrictions and rules.

With that said, I know that if husband and GF get the go ahead again, obviously we will have to learn a bit as we go, but since they are 800 miles apart, it helps with slowing down I think?
 
Sorry to hear it's not working out the way you want. But, in these things, everybody has to be happy. Rules are important - wants and needs have to be addressed.
Being 800 miles apart will make it harder for them to physically see each other, but it's 2017 and LDR's are easier than ever. But it certainly will slow things down. Give the other husband time, see where it all goes.
 
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