It's a Texlahoma Story

I used to try and talk to him about whether he was happy in his marriage but honestly he doesn't like to think about that much. To him, marriage and kids are just what you do and divorce is only an option in the most extreme cases. His home life is all about the kids - one kid has special needs so a lot of it is structured around that. He and his wife both get their nights off from parent duty and he has no idea if she's really out with the girls or out with a boyfriend. I wouldn't want that kind of marriage, but I don't judge.

I have that kind of marriage (complete with special needs kid.) We're separated parents that live together. It's not the situation that dictates his willingness to explore his feelings because when I'm asked about whether I'm happy, I'll gladly go on and on in detail. It's him. He's just not an "explore your feelings" kind of person. I wouldn't rely on his meeting Andy to change this basic aspect of who Dag is. Ask yourself whether it's the behavior that you're desiring (meet Andy, willing to see Andy, etc.) or whether it's a different level of intimacy that you're desiring.
 
It's him. He's just not an "explore your feelings" kind of person. I wouldn't rely on his meeting Andy to change this basic aspect of who Dag is.

You're right - and I didn't mean to imply that the situation kept him from being introspective - or that he's in that situation because of not being introspective. It's just his situation, and he doesn't think deeply about it. Or if he does, he doesn't share those thoughts with me.

What I want from Dag meeting Andy isn't more intimacy, exactly - ugh, I really don't know how to explain it. Maybe it is a kind of intimacy, but not the explore your feelings and bare your soul kind.

It's more the day to day intimacies that, to me, are part of building any relationship. Extended periods of time together. Downtime watching tv or snuggled up next to each other reading. Cooking meals together. Dag loves card games and board games and he's always saying he wants to play with me but we never have the chance. I'd love it if he could just come over sometimes and hang out with me while Andy is upstairs. Hell, I'd love it if he'd even come over on the nights Andy is out, but he freaks about the possibility Andy will come home early.

Mostly I just feel like I'm maxed out on hotels and bars and movies. I'm really not a big going out person, I like hanging at my house or my friends houses mostly. I'm old and lazy and I prefer socializing in sweats ;)

Dag is *really* pushing the idea of us getting an apartment together. It would solve the nowhere to have downtime problem, but tbh it feels like throwing away money to me. We're talking $500 a month EACH plus utilities plus deposits plus furniture. And then I'd have to clean it :rolleyes:
 
I realized after posting that last reply that I hadn't mentioned Dag's apartment dream. Maybe I'm subconsciously avoiding it ;)

Dag and I had lunch today and walked around and he kept pointing out cool apartments. It's not a new thing, he's been talking about it for months, but he's really into the idea now. And it would be cool. It's a fun fantasy.

But I feel like the reality of it, maybe not so fun. The money issue is real. It's financially do-able but not financially responsible, at least in my mind. We both have houses already. Actually Andy and I are building a second home - and for anyone who hasn't done that, it's basically like attaching a giant vacuum cleaner to your bank account :cool:

Also, it solves the "Dag doesn't want to see Andy" problem but creates a "Claire will see Andy less" problem. And a "Claire juggling too much" problem :( I have shit to do at home, dogs to feed and walk, laundry, cleaning, food to buy and then cook. I think sometimes Dag forgets this stuff because he has a wife who does all that. In my house, *I* am the wife who does all that. On top of working at my actual job. The amount of time I have to disappear from my day-to-day is limited.

I guess that's the heart of it... We both want more "us" ... But I want to integrate Dag more into the rest of my life, and he wants to create a new, separate life for us.
 
...it feels like throwing away money to me. We're talking $500 a month EACH plus utilities plus deposits plus furniture. And then I'd have to clean it :rolleyes:

So don't, "clean it" I mean. I considered renting an apartment in town for the boys before we got the internet situation figured out...(long story but they both need separate internet connections and we live in the middle of nowhere). If $500 a month is less that you spend on bars/hotels/movies - then it is worth it. You can get a bed on CraigsList. What other furniture do you really need?

... I think sometimes Dag forgets this stuff because he has a wife who does all that. In my house, *I* am the wife who does all that. On top of working at my actual job.

Um. Stop accepting the role of "wife who takes care of the home"? You have an actual job. Just stop. I don't - cook, shop, clean, etc. - because I am the one that goes out into the world and makes money. They spend more time at home than I do = SO if they want to live in a house full of dog/cat hair - NOT MY PROBLEM.

Rent an apartment for several months and let HIM be the "wife" that takes care of it - since it is HIS dream. See how long the fantasy lasts then!
 
Um. Stop accepting the role of "wife who takes care of the home"? You have an actual job. Just stop. I don't - cook, shop, clean, etc. - because I am the one that goes out into the world and makes money. They spend more time at home than I do = SO if they want to live in a house full of dog/cat hair - NOT MY PROBLEM.

I like being the wife, though. I like taking care of the house and the garden and the animals. I like taking care of Andy.

My job ... At best it's a financial wash for us. I have never in my life made as much in an entire year as Andy gets for year end bonus. But I like my job. I get to go take care of other people's families there :eek:

The apartment would actually be *more* than we currently spend on hotels and such, upscale business hotels discount like crazy on Fridays ;), but the actual dollar amount isn't the point. It would be a big financial commitment - you can feel strapped for cash and decide to go out less, but you can't just have a bad month and not pay your rent. It's not so much that I don't want a financial entanglement with Dag as that I don't want any financial commitments that don't involve Andy. I would feel really weird committing the monthly equivalent of a car payment to something that is off limits to my husband.
 
I've been thinking a lot lately about whether I will date again if things with Dag don't work out. I really don't know... For the most part I've enjoyed the past few years, but the frustrations and difficulties recently make it hard to remember that.

I joked a while back that I still don't *get* poly.

I understand open relationships. Fuck buddies, FWBs, etc. Even the more poly end of this spectrum, where there are no rules or limitations on actions or emotions, makes sense to me. I don't try to limit my love for my platonic friends, or the time I spend with them. Adding sex to the equation doesn't change that.

And I understand the poly families who merge their whole lives - triads or vees or quads where everyone is committed to each other in a life partner sense, even if they're not involved sexually or romantically. Shared lives, shared goals.

I'm even slooowly starting to grasp solo poly ;)

It's the vast middle ground where I get lost. Where there is commitment and obligation to two (or more) separate relationships. Scheduling and juggling. How does anyone do this without short changing someone? How does it not feel like a tug of war? How are poly folks not completely fucking exhausted all the time???

If I do try this again, I want a boyfriend who fits in my life the same way my close friends do. Sometimes we do things one-on-one, sometimes we do things with our partners and/or other friends, sometimes we spend time with each other's families. There's no stress about it. It's natural. We move in each other's lives with ease.

Is that an impossible dream? It feels that way sometimes.

I'm just tired of feeling stressed and guilty. I feel like I don't give Dag anywhere near enough time and energy, but when I try to fix that, I end up feeling bad about taking time and energy away from Andy. I don't intend to place limits on how much of my life I share with Dag - but I end up inadvertently doing exactly that by refusing to place limits on my life with Andy :(
 
Hey there. You know, even though I am one of those weird soloists who prefers my relationships be kept separate, it's rather obvious that such an approach doesn't work for you AT ALL -- and you've been bending yourself like a pretzel to try and make it work. I can feel your stress and disappointment coming through my laptop screen! TBH, it seems that Dag's been rather focused on what he wants (self-centered) while you've been rather accommodating trying to juggle what everyone wants at your own expense - and that is a sure-fire recipe for stress and unhappiness for the accommodating one!

Dag sounds like he has a lot of stresses and responsibilities in his home life. So, with you, he can build up an escapist fantasy that takes him away from all that. Not much unlike the typical cheater who is miserable or stressed at home with wife and kids and seeks an escape from responsibility with a mistress. He hasn't been willing to negotiate, or perhaps you bit your tongue when you could've spoken up for yourself more?

If Dag can keep avoiding meeting your husband, he can keep holding onto the fantasy of you as his mistress and his oasis. He doesn't seem to want to see you as a working woman and wife with responsibilities of your own. This doesn't make him a bad person, but he isn't quite connected with reality while he indulges in these dreams and thinks you two should make them come true. He's not looking at nor fully understanding the impact his wishes, wants, and actions have on the people around him.

More importantly, you don't want a separate life with him. Why do you sweep what you want aside? You want an integrated arrangement that feels balanced with your marriage, friendships, and other responsibilities. He also isn't realizing that if you and he get an apartment together, you'll be in the wife role with him, managing your apartment "home", and no longer his "mistress." The sparkle will fade. You could have someone to come in to clean and cook, but that sort of misses the point.

It is possible to have a BF who fits into your life like your friends do. I think giving yourself a deadline (as you said you were going to do in one of your posts) is a great idea, but I also think that you need to make sure Dag knows, in no uncertain terms, the levels of stress, guilt, discomfort, and confusion that his avoidance of meeting Andy has caused you. He needs to know how his little fantasy about sharing an apartment with you impacts you emotionally and mentally. And he needs to know that you want things to improve within a reasonable amount of time (deadline) or you will walk away. It's not an ultimatum (do this or else); it's expressing what you need from the relationship and an action YOU will take if that need isn't met. He can still make his own choices in the face of it, but I strongly feel you need to do that in order to take care of yourself.

The fact is that you are not satisfied in many ways with your relationship with Dag. It doesn't seem to be working for you. In this thread, you've written very astute observations about what you want, and questions about how to juggle your two relationships. I've bolded the parts that seem significant to me:
. . . whether or not Dag eventually wants to meet Andy and my friends . . . does affect whether or not I want to stay in this relationship. I can't keep juggling two completely separate relationships and always feeling like I'm letting somebody down. I can't go through another year of this.

. . . If nothing changes at all in three months, I'm ending things with Dag.

. . . I feel like a complete and utter failure for not being able to somehow make it all work. But it's not fair to me to stay in a relationship that leaves me stressed and exhausted. If I was single and mono and dating, I'd never stay with someone who refused to meet my friends and family. Why does being married and poly mean I have to accept that? Why does it mean I don't get to have expectations and needs?

What I want . . . the day to day intimacies that, to me, are part of building any relationship. Extended periods of time together. Downtime watching tv or snuggled up next to each other reading. Cooking meals together. Dag loves card games and board games and he's always saying he wants to play with me but we never have the chance. I'd love it if he could just come over sometimes and hang out with me while Andy is upstairs. Hell, I'd love it if he'd even come over on the nights Andy is out, but he freaks about the possibility Andy will come home early.

Mostly I just feel like I'm maxed out on hotels and bars and movies.

The money issue is real. It's financially do-able but not financially responsible, at least in my mind. We both have houses already. Actually Andy and I are building a second home - and for anyone who hasn't done that, it's basically like attaching a giant vacuum cleaner to your bank account :cool:

. . . [getting an apartment with Dag] solves the "Dag doesn't want to see Andy" problem but creates a "Claire will see Andy less" problem. And a "Claire juggling too much" problem :( I have shit to do at home, dogs to feed and walk, laundry, cleaning, food to buy and then cook. I think sometimes Dag forgets this stuff because he has a wife who does all that. In my house, *I* am the wife who does all that. On top of working at my actual job. The amount of time I have to disappear from my day-to-day is limited.

I guess that's the heart of it... We both want more "us" ... But I want to integrate Dag more into the rest of my life, and he wants to create a new, separate life for us.

It's not so much that I don't want a financial entanglement with Dag as that I don't want any financial commitments that don't involve Andy. I would feel really weird committing the monthly equivalent of a car payment to something that is off limits to my husband.

For the most part I've enjoyed the past few years, but the frustrations and difficulties recently make it hard to remember that.

. . . I want a boyfriend who fits in my life the same way my close friends do. Sometimes we do things one-on-one, sometimes we do things with our partners and/or other friends, sometimes we spend time with each other's families. There's no stress about it. It's natural. We move in each other's lives with ease.

Is that an impossible dream? It feels that way sometimes.

I'm just tired of feeling stressed and guilty.
 
Last edited:
If I do try this again, I want a boyfriend who fits in my life the same way my close friends do. Sometimes we do things one-on-one, sometimes we do things with our partners and/or other friends, sometimes we spend time with each other's families. There's no stress about it. It's natural. We move in each other's lives with ease.

Is that an impossible dream? It feels that way sometimes.

I don't believe that it's impossible. You just have to choose other people who share that same vision. I put it right in the top portion of my OKC profile, I talk to new people about it early, and I also date people who were already friends with my partner or who I knew from before who I know will be cool hanging out with him. I am all about hanging out as a friends group with multiple partners present. It is such a safe, happy, squeeful feeling.
 
What I want from Dag meeting Andy isn't more intimacy, exactly - ugh, I really don't know how to explain it. Maybe it is a kind of intimacy, but not the explore your feelings and bare your soul kind.

It's more the day to day intimacies that, to me, are part of building any relationship. Extended periods of time together. Downtime watching tv or snuggled up next to each other reading. Cooking meals together.

Everyone has different ways that she feels intimate and loved and it's really important in a relationship that the people share the kind of intimacy that is fulfilling for them. Yes, you can communicate and ask for the kind of intimacy that you need (hanging out in your home) but if there's a basic mismatch, there's a basic mismatch. Perhaps you don't want more intimacy, but you sure do want a different kind of intimacy than he is able to give you. Again, it's not a behavior change that you'd want from him because if he just gives you the "hangout with Andy" behavior, it's gonna ring hollow. You want to share a common intimacy vision and that is often something that a couple either has or doesn't have. It's part of what makes chemistry. You're learning something very important about yourself and that is how you build intimacy and the particular ways in which you need to share your life with a partner who has similar needs.

As I mentioned, I have a home life similar to Dag's and I also have a new BF. I see new BF for a few hours each week and actually feel some great budding intimacy with him because we seem to have a shared vision of what makes us emotionally fulfilled. For me, a private hour long conversation during which we talk about a variety of things (personal, intellectual, silly) is a beautiful intimacy builder. With that, some awesome sex and daily texting check-ins, I'm good to go. I don't need to be hanging out in his home, cooking or snuggling on the couch to feel close to him much of he time. We share an intimacy-style and that's what makes it work (so far!) I've dated people who were not into texting every day, not even a check-in, and it made me crazy. Me, I need that daily interaction and it's only from not having it (and getting weireded out enough times) that I realized that daily texting was part of my intimacy style and that it's non-negotiable for me. Everyone's needs will vary, but the only way we truly know what our intimacy needs are is to try out a few people and see how well they fit.
 
Last edited:
Everyone has different ways that she feels intimate and loved and it's really important in a relationship that the people share the kind of intimacy that is fulfilling for them. Yes, you can communicate and ask for the kind of intimacy that you need (hanging out in your home) but if there's a basic mismatch, there's a basic mismatch. ... You want to share a common intimacy vision and that is often something that a couple either has or doesn't have. It's part of what makes chemistry. You're learning something very important about yourself and that is how you build intimacy and the particular ways in which you need to share your life with a partner who has similar needs. ... Everyone's needs will vary, but the only way we truly know what our intimacy needs are is to try out a few people and see how well they fit.

This is brilliant! And it really sums up why sometimes it is so much better to just walk away and call neither party at fault—it's just truly irreconcilable differences—than it is to try to fit the round peg in the square hole or vice versa.

When I was trying to figure some of this out before, I had a hard time explaining to some of the people around me how it was not cruel or manipulative to state your own needs and be willing to walk away from a situation that does not meet them.

Sometimes when you get to know someone, you discover these differences, and you have to be more invested in being true to yourself than you are in holding on to a particular relationship shape with a particular person. It might HURT to let go of that, and hurt on both sides, but it's not a cruel, pointless hurt. It's a step on a path to greater happiness for everyone involved.
 
GFT, you and I are very different in what we look for from poly, as you know. I *prefer* keeping partners separate. I like being able to transition from "mom-bot" to "girlfriend" when I walk out the door of my home. I prefer not even having friends or non-resident family members visit my home, let alone other partners. I don't object to Hubby meeting my other partners, or to meeting my partners' other partners (though I'm not a huge fan of that... then again, not a huge fan of my other partners *having* other partners), but I am definitely not in favor of socializing between the two factions of my life. I like to keep things in neat little boxes.

But... I'm with Woody. Who prefers things the way you do. All partners and metamours being friendly, if not actually friends. And now Hubby is saying that while he still prefers not having Woody come to *our* home, he likes going over to Woody's with me and hanging out for movie night, and he had a great time at Woody's Solstice party. Though how much of that is because he likes socializing with Woody and how much is because of his crush on Doll is anyone's guess...

Point being, though... People can compromise. They can break out of their comfort zone. If I wanted to be with Woody, the only compromise available was that I ask that I not have to be around his other partners, which I have asked and he's said he'll minimize it, but he isn't willing to keep me and them completely separate. I tried to keep Hubby and Woody separate, but that didn't work because Hubby wanted a social circle after being asocial and refusing to leave the house for social events for years...Anyway, so I had to compromise, and had to leave the comfort zone behind, or I would have had to break up with Woody and would have had an unhappy husband.

However... in *your* case, no compromise is being made. There's you caving to what Dag wants while he refuses to consider your point of view. Compromise means meeting partway, and he isn't meeting you anywhere except his way. It seems to me to be unfair to you, and you're hurting because of it. Like Angelina and Reverie said, it isn't manipulative or cruel to leave a situation in which you aren't happy and aren't having your needs met.

You can definitely find what you want in a partner. Hell, *I* found what you want in a partner, and it wasn't even what I was looking for.
 
Nycindie, thank you for that reply! Especially this...

Dag sounds like he has a lot of stresses and responsibilities in his home life. So, with you, he can build up an escapist fantasy that takes him away from all that. Not much unlike the typical cheater who is miserable or stressed at home with wife and kids and seeks an escape from responsibility with a mistress. He hasn't been willing to negotiate, or perhaps you bit your tongue when you could've spoken up for yourself more?

If Dag can keep avoiding meeting your husband, he can keep holding onto the fantasy of you as his mistress and his oasis. He doesn't seem to want to see you as a working woman and wife with responsibilities of your own. This doesn't make him a bad person, but he isn't quite connected with reality while he indulges in these dreams and thinks you two should make them come true. He's not looking at nor fully understanding the impact his wishes, wants, and actions have on the people around him.

I had a real "light bulb" moment reading these words. I am an escapist fantasy for Dag, and I have let the fact that he had his wife's ok to indulge cloud my judgement regarding that.

To be clear, I don't think what he's doing is *wrong*. If his wife agrees to him escaping home sometimes, and he gives her the same opportunities, that's fine. But I don't want to be an escape from Dag's real life - I want to be part of his real life, and have him be part of mine.
 
Last edited:
Just got home from the Christmas celebration with my "friend family"...

My friend K hosts. K, her kids, her mom... her boyfriend R and his parents and brothers... the parents and half sisters of K's late husband (who was also my husbands best friend)... our friends M and L and their kids... K's sister's mother in law, brother in law, and his kids. And me and Andy. Our family Christmas photo is a mix of white, black, Asian, Hispanic, and pit bull :)

Other than the bad call to do tequila shots (god I haven't done those in ten years :eek:) it was a perfect day. Kids and dogs running around outside or playing video games, music blaring, laughing with my friends, brunch and booze.

Dag texted me a bunch all day, felt kind of bad I was too busy to really have much of a conversation. (Also texting and tequila tricky to mix, lol.) But I'm also a little bit glad I was busy and distracted because honestly some of what he was saying started to annoy me.

"I wish we were together"... "I'd rather be with you today"... "Miss you"... "Need to see you"...

I don't know what is in his head when he sends an entire day's worth of those texts. I don't know if he really means it or he just feels like he HAS to say it.

What I feel like saying in response is, Dude, you were invited. If you wanted to be here, you could have come. If what you're saying is that you'd rather it was you and me alone on Christmas... Sorry, but these people are my family. Kind of like your wife and kids are your family, the family you said you needed to be with all week when you turned down my invite.

But. I didn't dwell on it today :) Also, I took tequila shots and didn't puke, and my new eyeshadow primer lasted ALL DAY. Go me ;)
 
What I feel like saying in response is, Dude, you were invited. If you wanted to be here, you could have come. If what you're saying is that you'd rather it was you and me alone on Christmas... Sorry, but these people are my family. Kind of like your wife and kids are your family, the family you said you needed to be with all week when you turned down my invite.

Hmm, if it were me, I'd text him back exactly what you wrote above. Why not? "Hello love, here's a dose of reality! Merry Christmas!" LOL

Glad you had a good time at the party, despite the texts and tequila!
 
"I wish we were together"... "I'd rather be with you today"... "Miss you"... "Need to see you"...

I don't know what is in his head when he sends an entire day's worth of those texts. I don't know if he really means it or he just feels like he HAS to say it.

My experience with men and texting is that they text exactly what they mean.
 
I'm emotionally and mentally checked out of my relationship with Dag right now. Physically, too, actually. I told him this was a tough week to get together, with Andy on vacation and half a dozen friends in town for the holidays. Not a lie, but a few months ago I would have done the mad scramble to fit in time with him, no matter what else was going on. I'm just not feeling it right now.

Also having a total "fuck poly" mood. Or more accurately, an "I will never *be* poly, no matter how my relationship structure looks" mood.

There have been a couple of threads lately that featured a scenario where one partner in an ostensibly poly relationship broke things off to focus on a new mono or primary partner. And I realized, I'm *so* the bad partner in that situation. I absolutely prioritize primary, nesting, life partnership over... well, everything else. Including other romantic relationships.

If Andy and I split up, I wouldn't feel like my relationship with Dag was enough. Any relationship that had zero primary partnership potential, I'd end it to find a primary. The only real question is whether I'd end it before I started searching or wait until I met a potential primary. Either way, though, I'd view the non-primary relationship as less important than a potential full blown life partnership.

We talk a lot about couple privilege here, but we usually frame it as a set of unconscious, societal biases that can be overcome with self examination. What happens when you examine every last corner of your deepest self and realize the couple privilege comes not from outside, but from within?

(I should clarify that I'm using "couple privilege" here as shorthand for "primary partnership privilege". All of my feelings on this apply equally to traditional male-female married couples and cohabiting triads, vees, quads, etc, of any gender make up. It's the distinction between forever-life-partners and other relationships I'm poking around here.)

Terrible, right? Or at least *bad poly*. But there are needs I have in relationships that just do not get met by anything other than a living together full time, sharing everything type of partnership. I want someone who's there sleeping next to me at night. Someone to share the financial ups and downs. Someone who can stop and pick up milk, or feed the dogs, or wait for the plumber if I can't get off work. A partner.

Intellectually, I know that single and solo poly folks do have this kind of support system. But the idea of having to piece it together from multiple sources, and deal with fluidity and change, sends my anxiety level through the roof. Stephanie had knee surgery recently - to get her through the recovery she has Andy, her daughter who's home from college, her mom, her brother, and assorted friends. She's not alone. But she had to figure this out, and schedule people coming by, and plan surgery around her daughter's winter break. That gives me panic hives. When I'm sick and need care, Andy cancels everything, or deals with finding folks to help out. And I do the same for him. That's *so* important to me.

So how do I do poly, knowing this about myself? How can I commit to anything beyond my primary relationship? The way it *feels*, for me, is that I am committed to Dag in the way I'm committed to my friends and extended family. I'll always love them, I'll always be there for emotional support. But I can't make any concrete, practical time and energy commitments without the (often unspoken yet universally understood) caveat that if Andy needs me, everything else will get dropped.

The difference, though, is that my friends and family love Andy, too. They need him and rely on him, if in a more limited way than I do. So they have a vested interest in him being cared for. Dag remains on the outside, not just of my primary relationship, but of the big pool of love and care and support that constitutes my family and friends.

Days like this, I realize that my theoretical belief in poly does not correspond to the wiring in my head.
 
In multiple respects, GFT, you and I have a negative mirror image thing going on. I'm totally "wired" for multiple loves of equal standing and don't have it--and never have. I love my life the way it is. I really do. But ALSO feel there's something missing, and it's not because my relationship with Kevin is insufficient. It's just a matter of numbers. I seem to be built for at least two of those things you call "partner". We don't have to all live in the same house, however -- but I'd sure prefer that we lived in the same neighborhood.
 
It's neither terrible nor bad poly. Couple's privilege isn't inherently bad or wrong; it's only a problem if it's used to make someone feel or appear less than human, or someone gets hurt by it.

Hubby and I don't allow other partners to come to our home. That's couple's privilege. But it isn't "bad poly", because we don't say to people "You're not welcome in our home" or "you don't get to come here because you don't live here" or anything like that. We say "We've agreed that we prefer that our home, or at least our bed, be our place only." No one is made to appear or feel less important; it's a statement of fact. We prefer that our bed be only ours. No one gets hurt, because I make it clear at the first meeting with a potential partner that if they get involved with me, they're never fucking me at my house.

I don't really see that as being a whole lot different from me not fucking Hubby in Woody's bed, to be honest...

If you're using "primary" to mean "the partner I live with, with whom my daily life, finances, etc. are entangled," and "secondary" to mean "the partner I don't live with and don't have entanglements with," that isn't "bad poly". That's acknowledging the fact that you and Andy share a home, family, finances, and so forth, while you and Dag don't. That doesn't mean Dag is "less than" Andy. It just means he has a different role in your life. (Personally, I tend to use "nesting partner" or "entangled partner" instead of "primary", because primary/secondary language is often taken as an implication that one partner is somehow less important or less human than the other.)

You prefer having that type of entanglement with someone. That doesn't mean you aren't poly or can't live it. It's just a different type of poly. It's the type I have. I'm poly, and I'm not bad at it. I just prefer knowing that someone's here to help with my kids, to help me with panic attacks, to snore beside me at night--okay, I could do without the snoring, though Woody snores as well--and that if all else fails, I'll still be able to lean on. Hubby and my kids are a priority; if one of them needed me, everything else goes out the window. Though to be fair to myself, that would be the case with any other partner as well; for example, when I was involved with S2, there was at least one time I canceled out of helping Country with something because S2 was struggling and needed my support. And there was once with Woody when I knew he was having a rough day because he'd been cleaning out his late wife's belongings, so I told Hubby and my kids I was leaving and went over there to help him.

Prioritizing Hubby over another partner doesn't mean I'm not poly or that I'm bad at it. It simply means he's the one I've been sharing a home and life with for the past six and a half years, and that's a role no other partner could fill in my life, if for no other reason than that they haven't known me as long.
 
Last edited:
In multiple respects, GFT, you and I have a negative mirror image thing going on. I'm totally "wired" for multiple loves of equal standing and don't have it--and never have.

I think I could totally enjoy multiple loves of equal standing IF all of us were one unit. Not necessarily even all romantically involved, but one family. It would feel, to drag out the tired analogy, like a family with multiple kids. Sure, sometimes one person's needs conflict with another, but in the end you make a decision as a family to do the thing that is best for the family as a whole.

It's the juggling of two or more discrete relationships that fries my brain. It feels like Dag's needs and Andy's needs will forever be in conflict. It has actually rarely been an issue in reality, but it looms large in my mind.

It's funny, I didn't go looking for a serious second relationship, ever, yet they keep landing in my lap. All I have ever wanted from non-monogamy is a steady fuck buddy who's 1)into the sexual things my husband isn't, 2)treats me with respect and kindness and 3)can carry on a half decent conversation if we want to meet for a beer before getting naked. And yet, this is the THIRD DAMN TIME I have ended up with a full blown poly boyfriend :rolleyes:

It's neither terrible nor bad poly. Couple's privilege isn't inherently bad or wrong; it's only a problem if it's used to make someone feel or appear less than human, or someone gets hurt by it...

Prioritizing Hubby over another partner doesn't mean I'm not poly or that I'm bad at it. It simply means he's the one I've been sharing a home and life with for the past six and a half years, and that's a role no other partner could fill in my life, if for no other reason than that they haven't known me as long.

This is how I feel, too. Usually. When I am not going insane ;) I think I'm just VERY overextended right now and it's making me stress like crazy. I don't get this week off work, but everyone else does... My BFF will be in town for the first time in months, a couple of other friends are in town, there are people in Austin to go see, there are going to be holiday things up at our lake community with friends we haven't seen since this summer...

It's just incredibly hard to find time right now with Dag. And I know he's hurt by that. I feel frustrated though because I do want to see him, I just don't have time or energy this week to do something *alone* with him. If he wanted to come join me anywhere, with any friends, he'd be welcome. If he wanted to come to my house and share one of my few, preciously guarded hours of downtime, he'd be welcome here too. But with Andy here that's a non starter.

There is just a limited amount of time, energy, and attention that I am willing to divert from my primary relationship and my other close connections. If I have a partner who's willing to bring some of *his* time and energy and love to the other close people in my life, there's a balance. Some of my energy is going to my new relationship, but there is new energy flowing to everyone from my partner :)

Right now, though, I'm just draining myself to make sure no one in my life feels neglected.
 
On a happier note...

One of my girls has a new boyfriend!!!! Squee!!!

She got divorced about a year ago and it was hard, not just for her but for all of us, because she and her ex are both connected to my family and friends in too many ways to even get into here.

But she met a guy on tinder!!! And he shares the same exact weirdo random interests as my dad!!!

I am crazy jealous that my friend K, who is closer to her, will get to meet him tonight and I will have to wait until New Years. But Friend is worried that meeting all of us at once will scare him off :p We have a tendency to joy bomb new people... Think crazed teenage boy band fans, but drunker:eek:
 
Back
Top