Adventures of Amarna

I am glad you stood up for yourself and are wary of your potential to back down, and I only wish for you that you stay strong in your resolve to live your life on your terms.

Also, you need to start securing some finances for yourself. If you and he have a joint account, take some and put it in a bank account that he does not have access to. Remember, just because he's working and you're not doesn't mean that you are not entitled to your share. Also, if you can get a pay as you go cellphone in your name only that he doesn't know about, it will help if it comes to a situation where you have to flee.

I know it might seem like overkill, but it really isn't, to have an escape plan in place. Think of four places you could go if you leave your home, and any people who might help you if you left. Think about people who would hold some of your personal property and clothing for you. Think about people who might lend you money, or hide your children if need be. Make plans for any pets. Have a secure place for your personal papers, such as a safety deposit box in a bank he doesn't know about or at a trusted friend's house. And also, create a false trail to throw him off until you feel safe.

See: domesticviolence.org/personalized-safety-plan/

and speakoutloud.net/helping-women/safety-tips-for-leaving-a-controlling-partner/

To see a list of psychological and physical tactics used by abusers to control or dominate their partners, see this: speakoutloud.net/intimate-partner-abuse/new-power-and-control-wheel

and this: Tactics of Coercive Control.
 
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Good source if you or Mechanic want to look for poly-friendly counselling:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=333953#post333953

You might consider joint counselling re: how to deal with your daughters (as well as each other) in this new sexless tangle. And you don't want one who's going to bad-mouth you for having two (potential) boyfriends.

Speaking of whom, I'd be interested in reading how Gamer deals with the new set-up. (Have you given the other a name yet? I can't remember, it's 01:12 here in Germany, and I don't want to read all the comments on this thread just now.)

A hug before I go to bed (might not be for a few hours, but you'll be busy with the girls at this time in NE USA),
MFFR
 
Hi, Amarna!

Lying in bed this morning, the following occurred to me. You've probably been very clear with Mechanic about this and don't need me to say it, but just in case.

You have to make certain that HE understands that you didn't break with him because of the invasion of your privacy: you broke with him because of the lying. This may seem - to some (and to him) - like an irrelevant point, but I don't think it is.

The invasion of your privacy was bad. Very bad. But if he was brought up a Christian (and even if he wasn't, US culture is heavily influenced by Christian mores) he will have been taught that when 2 people marry they become one. "What's yours is mine, because we are but one person"; "We have no secrets. We tell each other everything" (Carly Simon, before your time).

He didn't take your right to privacy seriously. But when he lied to you, he didn't take YOU seriously. And when he continued to lie, even though the evidence was undeniable, he was treating you as if you were an imbecile.

"I can lie to her as much as I want, because I don't have to respect her as a person." And THAT's unforgiveable... unless he works hard to change this attitude and prove to you that he really has. Since he is in denial, since he is a Denier by his very nature, this is unlikely to happen.

Recap: the invasion of privacy is a jealousy-generated problem. And most people struggle with jealousy (unless they surrender to it from the word go): the lying (to the extent that he does) is a matter of lack of respect for someone he claims to love.

Does that make sense?

I can imagine him explaining the split-up to his/your friends: "She got so upset, just because I happened to see some of her text messages."

Or - more likely - "She got so upset, just because I used her phone to check the weather, when mine was on the blink. Jeez! Talk about overreaction!"

You might find yourself in a position of having to make clear to friends the true nature of the split.

It's also possible that - since you're still living in the same house - he'll pretend to the outside world that nothing is happening. You have to decide how to deal with this. It's your life, and maybe outsiders shouldn't know about your marital problems.

But you need to touch base on a regular basis. Since your "family all live 5 hours away in another state", and your sister is your best friend, please make a deal with her. She should expect a phone call every day at a certain hour. If she doesn't get it (let it pass by half an hour or so), she should call you. If she gets no reply, she should be prepared to either jump in her car or, at the very least, phone one of your local friends to go around and make sure that you're OK. (Texting is NOT enough. Anyone can type "Hi, Sis! All OK.:)Luvya!" or whatever your style is... especially someone who's been reading past texts.)

Once your sister flies to Prague, you've got to find somebody else who cares enough for you to not get bugged by daily checks-in, who's not going to think that "she's getting paranoid".

Don't tell yourself that "that's too much to ask of a friend"! Hell! I've never met you, and I'd be willing to do that for you. But living on a different continent makes that an impractical option.

Paranoia is an illness. But cases are legion of "the nicest, gentlest man you could possibly imagine!" being "driven to violence" when his manly pride has been wounded. Taking precautions is such cases NOT paranoia. It's healthier than pretending that "nothing can possibly happen", "he'd never do that!"

If you ever get tired of my hugs, you've got to tell me to stop. Until then, I'll keep sending them.

Just one hug - but a long one,
MFFR
 
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Thank you NY Cindie, MrFarFromRight and everyone else who's expressed concern for my wellbeing and that of my daughters. It's really very helpful.

As far as how Gamer deals with this, I'm honestly not sure what he'll think of it all and am just so nervous to tell him for reasons I can't quite explain all that well. I guess I'm worried that he'll think I'm a crazy drama-riddled mess of a person, which is pretty much how I feel right now.

He does deserve to know though, has given me no reason to think he'd have a bad reaction and will tell him, just need to work up that courage.

I hadn't given the other a name yet, other than New Guy, lol. We've only been out once (twice this evening) and I didn't feel like I was quite there yet. Takes a certain level of commitment to give someone a name in your blog, haha. :)
 
Hi, Amarna!

Lying in bed this morning, the following occurred to me. You've probably been very clear with Mechanic about this and don't need me to say it, but just in case.

You have to make certain that HE understands that you didn't break with him because of the invasion of your privacy: you broke with him because of the lying. This may seem - to some (and to him) - like an irrelevant point, but I don't think it is.

The invasion of your privacy was bad. Very bad. But if he was brought up a Christian (and even if he wasn't, US culture is heavily influenced by Christian mores) he will have been taught that when 2 people marry they become one. "What's yours is mine, because we are but one person"; "We have no secrets. We tell each other everything" (Carly Simon, before your time).

He didn't take your right to privacy seriously. But when he lied to you, he didn't take YOU seriously. And when he continued to lie, even though the evidence was undeniable, he was treating you as if you were an imbecile.

"I can lie to her as much as I want, because I don't have to respect her as a person." And THAT's unforgiveable... unless he works hard to change this attitude and prove to you that he really has. Since he is in denial, since he is a Denier by his very nature, this is unlikely to happen.

Recap: the invasion of privacy is a jealousy-generated problem. And most people struggle with jealousy (unless they surrender to it from the word go): the lying (to the extent that he does) is a matter of lack of respect for someone he claims to love.

Does that make sense?

I can imagine him explaining the split-up to his/your friends: "She got so upset, just because I happened to see some of her text messages."

Or - more likely - "She got so upset, just because I used her phone to check the weather, when mine was on the blink. Jeez! Talk about overreaction!"

You might find yourself in a position of having to make clear to friends the true nature of the split.

It's also possible that - since you're still living in the same house - he'll pretend to the outside world that nothing is happening. You have to decide how to deal with this. It's your life, and maybe outsiders shouldn't know about your marital problems.

But you need to touch base on a regular basis. Since your "family all live 5 hours away in another state", and your sister is your best friend, please make a deal with her. She should expect a phone call every day at a certain hour. If she doesn't get it (let it pass by half an hour or so), she should call you. If she gets no reply, she should be prepared to either jump in her car or, at the very least, phone one of your local friends to go around and make sure that you're OK. (Texting is NOT enough. Anyone can type "Hi, Sis! All OK.:)Luvya!" or whatever your style is... especially someone who's been reading past texts.)

Once your sister flies to Prague, you've got to find somebody else who cares enough for you to not get bugged by daily checks-in, who's not going to think that "she's getting paranoid".

Don't tell yourself that "that's too much to ask of a friend"! Hell! I've never met you, and I'd be willing to do that for you. But living on a different continent makes that an impractical option.

Paranoia is an illness. But cases are legion of "the nicest, gentlest man you could possibly imagine!" being "driven to violence" when his manly pride has been wounded. Taking precautions is such cases NOT paranoia. It's healthier than pretending that "nothing can possibly happen", "he'd never do that!"

If you ever get tired of my hugs, you've got to tell me to stop. Until then, I'll keep sending them.

Just one hug - but a long one,
MFFR

Once again thank you for the well thought out and very helpful response. And I'm a hugger so never really get tired of hugs, lol.

I have been very clear that it's not the individual lie that was the big problem (although obviously that is a problem) but the lying and manipulation, the lack of respect.

The second explanation, the: "She got so upset, just because I used her phone to check the weather, when mine was on the blink..." Was pretty much the exact explanation he offered to his new girlfriend when telling her about things, he has since told her the truth and I guess she's willing to give him another chance at being truthful with her.

Overall he'd rather that people not know. I've told him that while I'm not going to announce things to every person I meet but that I am also NOT going to lie and hide things from friends and family.

While I'm not super concerned about things escalating physically, I'm more worried he might self-harm himself to be honest, I do realize that it can happen and think the check-in idea is a very practical approach. I can ask that of my sister certainly and have some close friends I can ask that of as well. Thank you.

We have talked about going to counseling, it's a matter of finding a poly-friendly counselor, I admit its something I'm nervous about, we tried counseling a few years ago for similar reasons and I felt like my concerns were not addressed.
 
As far as how Gamer deals with this, I'm honestly not sure what he'll think of it all and am just so nervous to tell him for reasons I can't quite explain all that well. I guess I'm worried that he'll think I'm a crazy drama-riddled mess of a person, which is pretty much how I feel right now.
a) From what I've read of Gamer, he's not going to think this. If he does, tell him that he's really let MFFR down.

b) Hey, Lady! Watcha doin' here? Fishin' for compliments or summink? You may at present be - through circumstances that are not your fault - drama-riddled, but you are certainly not crazy (unless you're a genius-liar Crazy) and you are not a mess of a person!

Give us a break, willya?
Takes a certain level of commitment to give someone a name in your blog, haha. :)
I couldn't remember you naming him and guessed that that was the reason.
we tried counseling a few years ago for similar reasons and I felt like my concerns were not addressed.
i) Which is why the link that I supplied in comment #42 might be of use

ii) It is up to you to ensure that your concerns are addressed. if the counsellor doesn't do that, refuse to pay the fee... and report him (in rare cases, her. [No, not me being sexist, but a woman counsellor who neglects to address a woman client`s concerns SHOULD be a rare case.])

TWO hugs (save one for later, as and when needed),
MFFR
 
I did end up telling Gamer today during our daily text check in session what's been going on: the gaslighting, taking a break in a relationship with Mechanic, etc.

He was fantastic as usual. Reassured me that I am not an idiot, that it's all too easy to fall for and believe the things that people tell you when you trust them. And he's glad that I was able to call Mechanic on it, no matter how things turn out he wants to see things go well for me.

That was just so reassuring to hear this morning.
 
Dear Amarna,

I'm not sure that this is a good idea, but I was scrolling through this thread and came across the link to Aute's song. And I thought that I could share the whole lyric with you. Why might it not be a good idea? Because it can be understood as pessimistic. It says, in effect, "But that's just a dream: REAL life isn't like that".

On the other hand, I feel that dreams are important, and that we shouldn't give up on them. In addition, the lines about "men who control" might be pertinent to your present situation.

Aute was inspired to write this song when his (back then) 7yo son spoke the words about the doves made of frost. I believe that the name of this fantasy land, Albanta, also came from the son.

Since Spanish and English have different sentence structures, the lines don't always correspond exactly. And translations of poems are [almost always] clumsy. (One often wonders what's so special about the original song/poem. [In this case, the music also helps.]) I do my best:

Yo sé que allí, [I know that there,]
allí donde tú dices, [there, where you're talking about]
vuelan las alas del agua [the wings of the water fly]
como palomas de escarcha [like doves made of frost]
y el mar no es azul [and the sea isn't blue]
sino vuelo de tu imaginación [but (it's) the flight of your imagination]
en Albanta. [in Albanta]

Yo sé que allí, [I know that there,]
allí donde tú dices, [there, where you're talking about]
las nubes callan palabras [the clouds silence words]
y el cielo no dice nada [and the sky doesn't say anything]
y el sol es un sol [and the sun is a sun]
transparente como tu corazón [as transparent as your heart]
en Albanta. [in Albanta]

Que aquí, tu ya lo ves, [(But) here, as you already see (already know)]
es Albanta al revés. [it's Albanta in reverse]

Yo sé que allí, [I know that there,]
allí donde tú dices, [there, where you're talking about]
las ciencias no son exactas [the sciences aren't exact]
porque es eterna la infancia [because childhood is eternal]
y el fin no es el fin [and the end isn't the end]
porque no acaba lo que no empezó [because it doesn't finish what it didn't begin*]
en Albanta. [in Albanta]

Yo sé que allí, [I know that there,]
allí donde tu dices, [there, where you're talking about]
no existen hombres que mandan, [men who control don't exist]
porque no existen fantasmas [because spectres** don't exist]
y amar es la flor [and to love is the most perfect flower***]
más perfecta que crece en tu jardín [that grows in your garden]
en Albanta. [in Albanta]

Que aquí, tú ya lo ves, [(But) here, as you can see]
es Albanta al revés. [it's Albanta (turned) inside-out]


* Alternative translation: and the end isn't the end, because what never started can never end.

** Another - just as relevant - translation of "fantasma" is "show-off, puffed-up person"

*** I want to repeat this point. A less-gifted poet would have been content to write "Love is the most perfect flower that grows in your garden". The difference is, I feel, significant.

As many hugs as you want, to be stored until needed,
MFFR
 
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Once again, this BLOODY ARSEHOLE of a laptop has disappeared over half-an-hour's work of typing, incl. adding links!

I'm going to have to type this out in Word (not 100% reliable, either, but at least I can store now and then and only lose what I've typed since the latest storage). Once again into the breach…

Since JediGirl “loves fairy tales and fantasy books”, I recommend “Don't Bet on the Prince: Contemporary Feminist Fairy Tales in North America and England” edited by Jack Zipes. You can find one of its stories here: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/265653289_The_Princess_Who_Stood_on_Her_Own_Two_Feet

Not perfect (what is?) because:

a) she’s “rewarded” with a prince;

b) it’s not poly;

c) in my copy of Zipes’ book and (as far as I can remember) this pdf, there’s a blooper. My book is 1,600km away in Spain, and my BLOODY ARSEHOLE of a laptop won’t let me update my browser, so this pdf – on my BLOODY ARSEHOLE of a laptop (this is known as VENTING) – has paragraphs superimposed on other paragraphs, meaning that if I TRIED to read it and search for the passage I want, I’d get a massive headache. So, going by memory:

There’s a sentence that goes something like “But she couldn’t sleep without slippers […]” Pretty crazy, no? I imagine that in the original, it was something like “But she couldn’t sleep without one last goodbye to her faithful friend. So she put on her slippers […]”

You might also want to check out the following:

i) poly books and stories (also films) for children http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=6872 (Please also ADD to our list, if you can. This thread isn’t easily visible. By adding a comment, you make it reappear in “Today’s Posts” in the “Quick Links” drop-down list at the head of this page)

ii) (If you’re artistically inclined – or know somebody who is) Want to write and/or illustrate a polyamorous book for children? http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=73957 (ditto ditto re: adding comments)

iii) Due to my BLOODY ARSEHOLE of a laptop’s outdated browser, I can’t access Facebook (or Youtube) [one reason why I spend so much time on polyamory.com]. So you’ll have to use the Facebook search option to see (then “like”) A Mighty Girl on Facebook. Or you can just go here http://www.amightygirl.com/ Great content for JediGirl, Dragon… AND Amarna. (Also for MFFR – I’m a big fan!)

Literary hugs,
MFFR
 
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Once again, this BLOODY ARSEHOLE of a laptop has disappeared over half-an-hour's work of typing, incl. adding links!

I'm going to have to type this out in Word (not 100% reliable, either, but at least I can store now and then and only lose what I've typed since the latest storage). Once again into the breach…

Since JediGirl “loves fairy tales and fantasy books”, I recommend “Don't Bet on the Prince: Contemporary Feminist Fairy Tales in North America and England” edited by Jack Zipes. You can find one of its stories here: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/265653289_The_Princess_Who_Stood_on_Her_Own_Two_Feet

Not perfect (what is?) because:

a) she’s “rewarded” with a prince;

b) it’s not poly;

c) in my copy of Zipes’ book and (as far as I can remember) this pdf, there’s a blooper. My book is 1,600km away in Spain, and my BLOODY ARSEHOLE of a laptop won’t let me update my browser, so this pdf – on my BLOODY ARSEHOLE of a laptop (this is known as VENTING) – has paragraphs superimposed on other paragraphs, meaning that if I TRIED to read it and search for the passage I want, I’d get a massive headache. So, going by memory:

There’s a sentence that goes something like “But she couldn’t sleep without slippers […]” Pretty crazy, no? I imagine that in the original, it was something like “But she couldn’t sleep without one last goodbye to her faithful friend. So she put on her slippers […]”

You might also want to check out the following:

i) poly books and stories (also films) for children http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=6872 (Please also ADD to our list, if you can. This thread isn’t easily visible. By adding a comment, you make it reappear in “Today’s Posts” in the “Quick Links” drop-down list at the head of this page)

ii) (If you’re artistically inclined – or know somebody who is) Want to write and/or illustrate a polyamorous book for children? http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=73957 (ditto ditto re: adding comments)

iii) Due to my BLOODY ARSEHOLE of a laptop’s outdated browser, I can’t access Facebook (or Youtube) [one reason why I spend so much time on polyamory.com]. So you’ll have to use the Facebook search option to see (then “like”) A Mighty Girl on Facebook. Or you can just go here http://www.amightygirl.com/ Great content for JediGirl, Dragon… AND Amarna. (Also for MFFR – I’m a big fan!)

Literary hugs,
MFFR

Thank you!

I will definitely be checking out all of those resources now that I'm done with a hectic weekend.

I hope your BLOODY ARSEHOLE of a laptop starts to behave itself soon. :)
 
So, this weekend has been crazy busy!

I decided to take the kids to a somewhat local comic-con on Saturday and we spent the day there, Mechanic came along too and it went well enough, we're pretty good at doing the family stuff together still and it was a great day for the girls in particular. I wanted to buy ALL the stuff but managed to restrain myself to only SOME of the stuff. :)

JediGirl loved the 501st cosplay group area and the Ghostbusters cosplay group, I see a bright, nerdy future for her, lol. The tabletop gaming tables were really interesting for her too. We purchased the X-Wing miniatures game (finally, I've been wanting to get it since it came out) and I can't wait to play it once it arrives, we ended up ordering it from Amazon to save $ but it was a purchase inspired by this trip.

Then on Sunday we did church, the minister did a presentation on the 7 UU principles but with contemporary music video representations for each principle, it was really fun! JediGirl even got up at the end of service and danced with him to the last one. I absolutely love how at home we feel in this congregation, it's my home away from home and has really become a chosen family. I don't think I have a single close, local friend who is not involved in the UU in some way, lol.

Mechanic did talk to the minister about his problems as well and seems to have gotten some helpful advice and a couple phone numbers for poly friendly therapists that he recommended. He was going to call them today to try to set something up. I'm glad that he's making that effort. He's trying to be respectful of my need for space but I know he struggles.


The second date went well with New Guy, I'm still not sure if we're really clicking 100% but he is really fun to spend time with and for now I'm happy with that and choosing not to overthink things.

Lastly: I talked to Gamer some earlier this afternoon too and we're going to see each other on Friday! I am so ridiculously excited for this to happen! It's really made my day. :D
 
Thank you!

I will definitely be checking out all of those resources now that I'm done with a hectic weekend.

I hope your BLOODY ARSEHOLE of a laptop starts to behave itself soon. :)
a) You're very welcome!

b) I'm glad to see you back. After your recent upheavals, I was a little worried, TTTT, but I kept telling myself: "Come on, chill out! It's the weekend. You know what living with children is like."

c) My BLOODY ARSEHOLE of a laptop is unlikely to behave itself soon, since it's getting more senile with each week that goes by. (Now garbles sound on stored videos and music. As mentioned earlier, won't let me access music or videos on YouTube.)

d) The Beast has caught up with me! (Rather, I have caught up with The Beast!) This is my comment #666 on this forum. If you hear from me no more, please don't come looking for me! :eek::eek::eek: BACK OFF! IT'S ALREADY EATING AWAY AT MY SIGNATURES!!! AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!

Have as many hugs as you wish, before I'm dragged DOWN screaming,
MFFR
 
a) You're very welcome!

b) I'm glad to see you back. After your recent upheavals, I was a little worried, TTTT, but I kept telling myself: "Come on, chill out! It's the weekend. You know what living with children is like."

c) My BLOODY ARSEHOLE of a laptop is unlikely to behave itself soon, since it's getting more senile with each week that goes by. (Now garbles sound on stored videos and music. As mentioned earlier, won't let me access music or videos on YouTube.)

d) The Beast has caught up with me! (Rather, I have caught up with The Beast!) This is my comment #666 on this forum. If you hear from me no more, please don't come looking for me! :eek::eek::eek: BACK OFF! IT'S ALREADY EATING AWAY AT MY SIGNATURES!!! AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!

Have as many hugs as you wish, before I'm dragged DOWN screaming,
MFFR

Haha, well I see you're on post #669 now so presumably you managed to heroically defeat the beast. :p
 
Well, Mechanic and I have told our parents about the problems in our relationship and the break we are taking.

My parents are actually being wonderfully supportive to both of us, something I was not expecting and have said they will support us in anyway possible.

Mechanic's mom and dad are a different story. His mother has pitched a fit and refuses to visit now. She was supposed to come and visit for Dragon's 4th birthday this weekend and now won't be. I can't say I'm broken up about this, never really liked her much but I don't like her taking frustrations out on the girls and choosing to miss milestones in their lives because of this.

His dad wasn't quite so bad except for accusing me of cheating on Mechanic before even finding out the reason for our problems. Geez, tell me what you really think of me why don't you? Makes me even more nervous for the day when he finds out that we're poly.
 
Haha, well I see you're on post #669 now so presumably you managed to heroically defeat the beast. :p
Ironically, it was my sweet, lovely laptop that was the hero and pulled me back out of the pit! I can hardly blame it for getting old. (I was given it when another laptop had a nervous breakdown, and it [this one] had been laying around for ages. My benefactors didn't even know if it would work at all.)

It has no internal DVD player (I'm thinking of buying an external one tomorrow, when I brave a visit to the city), but it's compact and light, which makes it my choice as a companion for hitch-hiking. I have another (twice as heavy, 3 times as bulky) laptop at home, but that has NO sound at all. (I have never had a 1st-hand computer: all have been others' rejects.)

I can't see videos on YouTube, but I can hear [with damaged sound quality] them, hence this. Might this be pertinent to your situation?

I don't really :p want to put extra pressure on you, but my friend and I are waiting for 2 book reviews. (Well: web-site review and picture-book review.) If you're hesitating to pass on bad news, don't! (Hesitate, that is.) Authors and publishers need to have negative feedback, to know that we haven't hit the target. :eek::eek: (That's two embarrassed Munchkins.)

Hugs all 'round,
MFFR
 
Well, Mechanic and I have told our parents about the problems in our relationship and the break we are taking.
Good Girl! (And Boy! Considering the way his parents were likely to react - and did - this was quite brave of him. Though braver still would be to come completely clean, clearing you of charges of cheating.)
My parents are actually being wonderfully supportive to both of us, something I was not expecting and have said they will support us in any way possible [forgive the correction: one of my jobs is editing].
Yeah, sometimes parents can pleasantly surprise us.
His mother has pitched a fit and refuses to visit now. She was supposed to come and visit for Dragon's 4th birthday this weekend and now won't be.
This is totally out of order! (But then you know that.)
I can't say I'm broken up about this
Yeah, but you're not Dragon. What a shitty, spiteful thing to do! :mad::mad::mad:(I assume that Dragon had been told that she was coming, and is now disappointed? But if she shares your negative feelings about Granny, maybe everybody's happier - except Granny: toxic people usually aren't [as I pointed out on another thread].)
 
My recent concentrating on editing means that I'm out of practice with poetry, but here goes (FWIW):

For Dragon (on her 4th birthday)

I’m a little* Dragon
And I’ve got a fiery breath.
I love to slink behind you
And then scare you half to death.

I’ve got a Mommy Dragon
And a Daddy Dragon, too.
So if you don’t just WATCH YOURSELF
We’ll be watching out for you.

Grrr, grrr, ROAR!

I’ve got an older sister
But she’s more a Jedi Girl:
Too busy cruising outer space
To live in Dragon World.

She does land here from time to time
And she thinks that she’s so great!
But she really should be careful
Or she’ll be something that I ate.

Grrr, grrr, ROAR!

If she’s so keen on princesses
Then she really needs to learn
That dragons LOVE princesses :D
And someday it’ll be OUR turn!

So if you see me coming
You might want to run and hide...
But I also like to cuddle
When I show my softer side.

Purr, pur, PURR!

(Birthday hugs from a Dragon admirer)

++++++++++

* You have my permission to substitute "great big" for "little", depending on how she sees herself.
 
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It's 18:20 on Friday here in Germany (I guess 12:20 where you are). I'm looking forward to reading how your date with Gamer went (is going to go). No salacious details necessary, just the general feeling... :)

To keep my impatience :)D) at bay, am about to enter on DVD all-night marathon. ("We've got some good stuff lined up for you tonight.")

Hugs,
MFFR
 
So, thought I'd login again finally and give an update. It's been sometime and I just had to take a break from a lot of online stuff to focus on relationship stuffs at home.

Things with Mechanic are...okay...we're working through things. He's started therapy and it seems to be helping him, I'm still taking a very guarded approach to things with him and will for quite some time.

Gamer and I have been dong well. We went on a bookstore date last night and had a great time, ended up staying there for hours just walking around, talking, having tea and hot cocoa until the store closed. There was one moment...he was explaining some gaming stuff to me while looking over guidebooks and started doing character voices, totally goofy but I was looking at him, we were laughing, smiling, etc. and I just couldn't stop thinking how much I REALLY REALLY REALLY like this guy. I realized that I've caught the feels here and I'm not sure how I feel about that, on one hand I'm happy but on the other terrified, I don't want to get hurt. I got home last night and couldn't sleep for hours, just tossed and turned in bed replaying the night...ugh! FEELINGS! *blush*

And then there's New Guy, who I will say has earned a real pseudonym on here at least, let's call him D because I've sat here way too long trying to think up a suitable thing to call him so am just going with an initial. We're on date...5 or 6 now...lost count, lol, but things are going pretty well I think. The last time we were together I went to his place and he made me dinner, we played board games and then just sat around and listened to obscure alt rock. I like that he's very open and honest about EVERYTHING (so refreshing, I don't have to second guess where I stand) and he's constantly drawing me out of my shell. He isn't afraid to ask those probing questions and is always interested in what's going on in my head. Apparently I'm a "thinker", lol, not something I'm used to being called. We have a date in a couple days, I'm excited for it though we haven't decided what we'll be doing yet.


In non-relationship news my kids have started school and that's been a pretty smooth start, still adjusting to sahm stuff but doing okay overall.
 
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Ugh! So last night's date with D was pretty much a disaster. :( It started out really really well, we made dinner together, cuddled and watched a movie and then started making out. And then got completely carried away and had unprotected sex. *headdesk*

I immediately felt super intense guilt, anger (at myself) and fear. I pretty much completely freaked out because this was the one big boundary that Mechanic and I had agreed to and with things being strained I didn't want to add more fuel to the fire and was terrified to tell him what had happened, though I knew I had to. D talked me down A LOT and was genuinely concerned and comforting. He's got people he has to tell too but said that it wouldn't be a big concern for his relationships and was great about me needing to leave early to process things. He called me on a behavior that I wasn't totally aware I was doing which was gaslighting myself, I kept telling him that I was this horrible person for making this mistake and he wouldn't hear it at all.

I went home and immediately told Mechanic what happened. Surprisingly he seems okay with it and was more concerned that I was so freaked out. I still feel bad today and need to check in with D later to let him know how things went, which I'm kind of nervous for because I feel like I made a mistake getting so emotional around him, even though he expressly said that emotions are okay to show to him (something I kept apologizing for). I'm not used to showing people how upset I really am without them finding fault in that so am kind of just waiting for the shoe to drop and for D to say I'm not worth it 'cuz of drama.
 
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