My Polyfidelity Quad Life

PolyNurse

New member
I am starting this blog as a reminder to myself where I have come from and where I am going in life.

I am currently married to P and we just celebrated 27 years together. We have 2 children together and came from a very conservative Christian background. The first few years of our marriage were very exciting until the kids came and then we were basically on auto pilot. I got very heavy (250 lbs) after having 2 kids, a hysterectomy, homeschooling and attending college/nursing school for 5 years. We had sex maybe once a month and I hated myself and him for not being attracted to what I had become. After ALL THAT settled down, I went on a weight loss journey and lost 116 lbs and became a body builder. All of a sudden P couldn't keep his hands off of me and wanted to try "new" things but I was a little resentful because he basically ignored me for so many years. P also has a really hard time showing emotions, forgets important dates like birthdays and anniversaries and is not a very intimate person. He loves to talk about the future, loves to hike and visit new places, but is not romantic and never tells me he loves me. I have felt more like a room mate than a lover to him and thought about leaving him many times. My daughter who was 16 at the time, talked me out of leaving him and I agreed to stay until she finished school and moved out.

Once the kids moved out, we were left with the fact that we just didn't know or like each other very well. I went on another journey of finding myself and what I wanted out of life. With my new body, I went and had my right thigh, right arm and left arm (a sleeve) tattooed within a year's time. My husband hated my tattoos and told me that they "cheapened" me. I didn't care what he thought. It was my body and I was going to do exactly what I wanted with it. The tattoos and buff body gave me the confidence I had been missing for years. I grew out my short curly locks of hair to long flowing black ringlets. I got two extra piercings in my ears (also frowned upon) and I felt great for once in my life.

With my new found confidence, the hubby and I joined a nudist resort and quickly became members. I learned to let go of my insecurities, dance and have fun. It is there where we met B & S, who were also married long term and had an empty nest. We quickly became friends. S and I had identical personalities. He was smart, kind, energetic, attentive, organized and although he was a little nerdy....I felt drawn to him. Conversely, B and my husband were also identical in personality. Both worked physical jobs and needed a lot of recovery time so they naturally spent a lot of time together sitting, watching TV and enjoyed adult beverages. S and I worked out together, planned events at the nudist resort and took long walks together. We all shared a large camper at the resort and flirted but was very respectful about our marriages.

A year later, we were spending the summer at the nudist resort together and the winter at our apartment in the city. S & B drove over an hour each weekend to see us and they joked that they were "dating" us even though nothing sexual was occurring. We were all just really good friends. Then one day P and I decided it was time for me to return to school (nurse practitioner) and we thought about moving into the camper for 2 years, although it was small and would be inconvenient during the winter months. We mentioned our plans to our friends and they offered the top floor of their house to us so we could leave the camper as a weekend get away for the summer. We basically spent every single weekend together so we knew we were compatible. We moved into the house in March, gave up the apartment in the city and by April, S and P started talking about a poly relationship.

In the past few years, P had mentioned an interest in me having another sexual partner. He was interested in group sex and wanted to watch his wife "do" someone else. I brought up everything thing I could think of that could go wrong with that scenario but he did not give up on the idea entirely. I believe that P thought that a poly relationship could satisfy that fetish and was willing to take on another partner himself to make that happen. Both men brought the idea to me and the three of us approached S's wife. She was reluctant at first because she thought it would eventually tear our friendship apart but she was attracted to P and said she would give it a try. We all committed to a poly-fidelity relationship and didn't want to complicate things by bringing in additional people.
 
We all felt secure in the fact that none of us ever strayed in our marriage so we didn't feel like STD testing was necessary....and it wasn't. Both of us females had hysterectomies so birth control was also not necessary. All kids were grown and out of the house so we were free to develop the relationship at the pace that we felt was good for the group. P stressed to the group that he didn't want anyone falling in love and running off to Fiji. We all agreed but didn't realize that it was really hard to maintain a "casual" sexual relationship without the emotional part.

P and B jumped right into sex which freaked me out and I had a meltdown, which threw us off course for about a week. I spent another month dealing with jealousy issues. Bought a jealousy workbook, read countless poly articles and talked through most of my issues with everyone in the house. It was a rough start but we made it through. The poly relationship brought out a lot of deep seeded issues that each married couple tried to deal with in the past and basically swept under the carpet. S and I fell deeply in love with each other and realized the deficiencies that we were experiencing with our married partners. We realized that we were married to low functioning people and needed each other more than we realized. For the first time in our adult lives, we felt fulfilled and nurtured and wanted. We also worked through some strong personality issues since we were a lot alike. It always came back to the fact that we were exact mirrors of each other and that the issue we may have with the other person, was really what we saw in ourselves. The personal growth was tremendous!

Sleeping arrangements started out with 2 days a week with secondary partners and 5 days a week with primary (married) partners. Six months in and we switched to an every other night arrangement, which is where we are at today. I think this may have scared P because he started to withdraw from the group and was not as friendly and joking as he used to be. I think 6 months in, his NRE with his secondary wore off and he realized that maybe he took his fantasy too far. He started to get clingy to me and was keeping his secondary at arms length. This worried ALL of us. In the meantime, my relationship with S was growing very deep and I was enjoying the individualized attention that he was giving to me. I have never felt so loved and wanted my whole life. He actually wanted to know my opinion and thoughts on things. He touched me when I walked past him, kissed my hand and made me feel very secure. I thought for sure this NRE would wear off but it hasn't. His wife said he has been this affectionate their whole marriage and that she has felt smothered by him. I am amazed at this statement because it is exactly what I have always wanted and never had. P on the other hand sees this affection and thinks we are getting too close. He thinks S's affection towards me exposes his in-capabilities and his neglect of me all these years. He becomes more and more withdrawn.
 
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B and I talk a lot about the "boys" and the unique facets of our relationships and we have realized that P likes to tell one wife one thing and another wife something totally different. For example: He tells me that he prefers to sleep with me because B snores and wakes him up. When I ask B about it, she says he sleeps just fine and barely moves. We have caught P in a few lies that I won't go into.....we just know that it is better to remain in open communication because P likes to play both women to his advantage. He pretends to be sad that he doesn't have me 100% all to himself and just as soon as I leave the house for the day, he is having a good ole time with B. When I ask what they did all day, he tells me they watched TV and she tells me they had sex in every room in the house.

I am no longer jealous, I would just like him to be honest and tell me he had a good time. It's like he wants me to think he is "suffering" when I know that he is not. I don't know why he does this. He also will not show his secondary affection in front of me but is very loving to her behind closed doors. This bothers both her and I.

P has mentioned to me several times that he wishes we could go back to our monogamous relationship. I have explained to him that I love our poly relationship and don't intend to leave it. He wonders if I will change my mind after school is finished and I have assured him that I want to stay even after school. A couple months ago P had a meltdown and demanded that I leave with him.....I told him no. I was going to stay in this poly relationship with 3 or 4 members and that he was free to leave if he wanted to. He decided to stay and has been rather quiet until recently. We are always "wondering" what he is thinking.
 
It'd be easier to read your entries if you gave your people nicknames instead of letters. :) Just a tip to make your stuff more readable. :) I am looking forward to following along!
 
Earlier on in the week I had a conversation with Peter and with Steve in the room. I had asked Peter to get me some cooked bacon from work because it is perfectly crunchy and thin and I wanted to make cookies with it. He down right refused to get the 6 slices that I needed for the recipe, although it would have only taken him a second to get it WHILE he was already in the cafeteria. He swipes his badge to pay for food so it comes right out of his paycheck. Instead he offered to go buy me a package of bacon and cook it himself. Something he and I both know that he will never do for me. This upset Steve and later told me that it was "f*cking bacon, not a diamond necklace!" He was upset that Peter does so little for me and after 27 years of putting up with his shit.....that's the least he could have done for me. I agreed and Steve went the next day and bought me cooked bacon.

The point of this entry is that I have realized my worth in my husband's eyes and I am now giving all of my attention to the one that will go and get me the f*cking bacon that I need. This is just a small example of the neglect that I have experienced over the years and I absolutely refuse to be treated this way. I am thankful every single day that Steve has come into my life to show me how much I am loved and appreciated.
 
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Friday I had another very long conversation with Peter but this time by text. I was still upset about the bacon incident earlier on in the week and I wanted him to know how much he hurt me by refusing my very simple request. I was so mad that I refused to cuddle with him Thursday night and just turned over and went to sleep. Friday morning he left without kissing me good bye and I asked him about it. He explained that he was mad because I rejected him. I explained that I rejected him because he does not give the minimal affection and attention that I need so why should I go out of my way to meet his needs? During this back and forth conversation I brought up the bacon and other examples of neglect on his part. He admitted that he is basically incapable of meeting my needs and that Steve "would be glad" to do that for me. I told him that he is capable....just unwilling at this point in our lives. I suggested we take sex off the table until we work on the "intimacy" issues.

I think at this point he is punishing me for insisting on staying in the poly relationship, with or without him. He wants to have sex with both women....he just doesn't want to show either of us much affection. He does just enough in the bedroom to get by but does nothing outside the bedroom to show us that he cares for either of us. It is sad that it has come to this. This leaves Betty with the feeling that she has a casual lover in Peter but nothing else. She does not have an intimate relationship with her husband Steve and they are basically room mates, so she often feels left out completely. When she and I have very slight disagreements, she states that I have both men (affectionately) and she has no one. I have to remind her that she had that for 20 something years with her husband and chose to walk away from it. She knew Peter wanted a relationship with no strings attached, so she is where she is at by choice. I encouraged her to look for a boyfriend if she needed more than Peter was willing to give her. She is thinking about it.
 
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I would just like to say that Quad life is sooooo much harder when you live together. There is no escaping the stress, talk or hurt when someone is mad or in Peter's case, becomes manipulatively quiet. We are all getting used to "reading" him and know when something is bothering him. Laura (me), Betty and Steve are all on the same page and at the same level of care and affection for each other. Peter is the slow poke and continually holds us all back. Every decision has to go through him and we have to handle him with kid gloves or just do something and suffer the consequences.

Example:
Betty and I switched closets recently because she was spending so much time upstairs with Peter that it made since to have her bathroom items and clothes where she spends a lot of her time. I didn't have any of my things in his room at all since I have my own office and closet. I removed a few items from the bathroom but aside from that, the move downstairs did not impact him at all. I moved my closet into the bedroom that Betty and Steve shared. Pete saw this and insisted that I no longer have a "presence" in his room. I explained to him that I never did and that I have my own room. He accused me of creating a "love nest" with Steve now that he is old news. Apparently he has had these feelings of jealousy all along but never said anything to anyone. He pitched a big fit about it but we didn't give in and put things back like he wanted. He doesn't have that much control over us.
 
Another issue I wanted to document and remind myself of later is the meltdown that Peter had related to the above entry. When we moved our closets and switched a few days on him (daughter was visiting), he once again threatened to leave for good, which upset Betty and I tremendously. When he was ready to talk, Betty asked him to come down and talk to ALL of us. Instead of talking to us about his problems with the poly group, he waged an all out assault on my character. He brought up issues from the past 27 years that I had with my sisters, attitudes that I previously had but have grown out of, the fact that I didn't have or want friends, no one liked me, blah, blah, blah. Called me a manipulative hateful bitch. Said he hated me many times and talked to me in a tone that was spiteful and wanted to inflict as much pain on me as he possibly could. At the end of the conversation he accused Steve of intentionally driving a wedge between us by being so good to me. This hurt Steve deeply and he still has not healed from these accusations.

Peter finally retreated to his bedroom and Steve, Betty and I were left alone in utter amazement at what just happened. I had been married to the man for 27 years and had never experienced anything like this from him before. Steven surmised that this was a last ditch effort to hold on to something that was no longer there or perhaps exposed his true feelings for our situation. Betty was left puzzled and scared about the kind man that she has come to love. She saw a side of him that she disliked very much. I sank into a dark state where I had to come to terms with the fact that Peter held me in such low regard. We are not sure what he is fighting for or why he wants me to leave with him alone.....if he hates me so much. This night left me sad, confused, angry, resentful and ready to quit nursing school, get a full time job and live with just the three of us in a triad. Betty and I both told him that he was free to leave. He hasn't yet.
 
I've followed some of your story from the main boards, but this gives more detail in the background. I can't help but ask.... do you even still want to be with your husband?

Not sure if you actually want people to comment on your blog or not, so if you'd rather not, feel free to disregard!

Either way, I'm sorry to hear that you and your quad are struggling to make things work with all 4 of you.
 
My husband has supported me through 5 years of college/nursing school, homeschooling our daughter, many home businesses, moving to three states, etc. We have been through a lot together and it has been both good and bad. I don't want to throw him away and I feel obligated to keep him in the picture as long as he is willing. He was initially very supportive of our poly quad and expressed joy at all developing relationships. Now he wants out but has no where to go, so he stays and just "tolerates" us for the most part. No one is ready to ask him to leave because we all love him very much, despite how he is acting. The hope is that he will stop fighting and just relax and let us develop into the poly group that we know we can be. He is much older than us (we are in our 40's and he is late 50's) so he needs to settle his ass down before he finds himself old and alone. We are only going to take so much.

I've followed some of your story from the main boards, but this gives more detail in the background. I can't help but ask.... do you even still want to be with your husband?

Not sure if you actually want people to comment on your blog or not, so if you'd rather not, feel free to disregard!

Either way, I'm sorry to hear that you and your quad are struggling to make things work with all 4 of you.
 
Small break through yesterday.

Betty asked Peter if she could spend a few more nights a week upstairs with him since she sleeps better in the king size bed and also with him personally. She explained that Steve was too hot, the bed was too small (she is pre-menopausal) and that he breathes too loud. Peter said he would consider it and talk to me about it. We talked about it when he got home and he agreed to spend two nights with Betty and one night with me. Two nights with Betty and one night with me....and so on.

We are currently on alternating nights so tonight we will start our new schedule. Betty said he seemed very excited about it when he told her. Maybe the tide is changing a bit in our favor?
 
Ooh! I homeschooled my youngest, and she graduated this year. She plans to move out next summer so I am looking forward to an empty nest!

I live with my two husbands, and I think that your quad definitely needs to re-evaluate your set up. It sounds very stressful, and your home should be a retreat, not a battleground! Do you have a timeline for Peter, or is it just open-ended and indefinite when it comes to how long the rest of you are going to put up with his unsettling behavior?
 
The three of us have talked about asking him to leave if he has another major meltdown. We can handle the little fits now and then because he almost always complies one way or another. We are giving it a little more time so that we can in good conscious walk away knowing that we gave him every opportunity to improve and progress.


Ooh! I home schooled my youngest, and she graduated this year. She plans to move out next summer so I am looking forward to an empty nest!

I live with my two husbands, and I think that your quad definitely needs to re-evaluate your set up. It sounds very stressful, and your home should be a retreat, not a battleground! Do you have a timeline for Peter, or is it just open-ended and indefinite when it comes to how long the rest of you are going to put up with his unsettling behavior?
 
Last night I had an amazing night with my secondary Steve. I walked into a room of candles, warm lotion and oil and soft music playing. I lied down on the bed, he put a silk sash over my eyes and covered me with a warm blanket and proceeded to massage one body part at a time, carefully placing it back under the warm blanket when he finished. With every extremity massaged, he whispered in my ear why he loved that body part so much. He kissed each toe and finger and I felt very loved, admired and worshiped. He is such a wonderful man and I am privileged to have him in my life. He is most selfless person I know. After giving me 3 orgasms, he asked if he could wait until we are together again to orgasm because he wanted this night to be about me. I love him so very much.
 
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Peter has been really nice lately for some reason. If leaves me wondering if he is coming around to the poly way of life :confused:or just wants something from me?

Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah!
 
So far things are going really well. The house is quiet. Holidays were really nice and current sleeping arrangements are working out. We made christmas cookies, gave some to the neighbors and celebrated 8 days of Hanukkah. Steve and Betty had never celebrated Hanukkah and wanted to so it was nice to receive/give a gift to our quad for 8 days in a row. We all liked what we picked out for each other and we had some duplicates as well, which we will keep at the camper for the summer. It is nice to have eveything you need in two different places. Less to haul back and forth.

I start school again in two weeks so crossing my fingers for a nice quiet semester (in the house) so that I can concentrate on school.
 
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Thanks!

Thank you for sharing your story!

Moon88 here (28/f/bi/dom)

I have to say the beginning of your story hit home with me, I am currently on my own weight-loss journey, and my husband is getting more and more physical with me (Not that we had a problem before, but less weight opened up new possibilities in the bedroom) and my confidence has grown a lot too. I am only 25 lbs out of 60 down for my ideal weight. (Great job btw)

I haven't read a lot of stories and experiences on this forum yet, as I only joined yesterday - but your story really caught my eye. It is something that I could see myself wanting in the future, and you showed me the ups and downs of this type of relationship. I can't imagine Sun80 doing the same as Peter, but guess I can't know for sure until you are actually in that position.

I am very happy for you and your relationship with Steve, he seems to really know how to treat a lady. Betty didn't know what she had, but I feel for her too. It would be a nightmare to feel like the lesser desired woman in a quad-poly. I wonder if being bi ( as I am) would make a difference since I would be persuading a relationship with every member if allowed and wanted.

Looking forward to an update, and wishing you all the best!

Moon88
 
Hi Moon88!

You know.....when I was 250 lbs, Peter hardly ever touched me. I out weighed him by 65 pounds and we didn't look good together. We had sex maybe once a month and I remember writing him a letter pouring my heart out to him and basically begging him for his affection. As I started losing weight, he started to get more affectionate with me.....at least in the bedroom. We started hiking and riding bikes because I now had the energy to do so. This helped me lose even more weight and improved things even more but I can't help but feel that if I stayed that weight, we would probably be divorced by now. I absolutely couldn't take the neglect.

I have forgiven him but I can't seem to shake the feelings of emotional and physical abandonment. Even now I am terrified of gaining weight because I don't ever want to be put in that position again.

On a side note, I used to feel bad for Betty but then I realized that she was down right lazy and didn't want to put in the time to keep her husband interested or satisfied. She denied him sex and let him sleep on the couch for 2 years before we met them. As for her appearance today, I try very hard to help her but she is very ungrateful at times. When I give her compliments to encourage her to keep up the progress she has made, she says things like, "I must have been really ugly before" and "what was I in the past.....chopped liver?" Actually yes, she was! She was very homely looking. Her make up was over done. Clothes were very sloppy and mismatched. She looked like a frumpy middle aged housewife. We cut & colored her hair, had her eyebrows done (they looked like caterpillars), I helped her lose 40 lbs, bought her a stylish wardrobe and worked on some bad habits (smoking/drinking) that she had developed. If her own husband lost interest in her, I knew mine would too so I invested a considerable amount of time in changing her appearance for the sake of our quad relationship.

The problem we have now is that she is STILL lazy at times and wants to fall back in to her "frumpy" pattern and when I mention it to her (like wearing the same thing for 3 days in a row), she gets mad and makes snide comments about how I need to just leave her alone. It makes me not want to help her anymore. I have to remind her that we should be striving to look our best for our men. Then she says things like, "You have both men (affectionately) and I have neither." What I want to say is....."well, if you would take more pride in your appearance, they might find you more attractive!" It is a real struggle with her.
 
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One more thing I want to say about Steve and Betty's relationship is that she purposely let a very FINE man go. And I am not talking about his appearance either because when I met him, he too was overweight, balding with a grandpa style hair cut, older clothes and very low self esteem. I did not fall in love with his appearance, I fell in love with his SOUL. He is the kindest, most affectionate man that I know. He does things for my mind and body that no other man has been able to do for me. He is very smart and talkative and asks my opinion about everything that we do. He is concerned for my physical and emotional well being before his own. I have never known love to this degree.

Betty had this for 25 years and despised it. She found Steve's intensity to be irritating and bothersome. She told me once that he felt contempt for her because he had "outgrown" her. What I found out later was that she refused to grow (beyond a teenage mentality) and wanted to fall into the frumpy grandma role and sit in her lazy chair and let the world pass her by. Steve wanted to live and experience life! That's why he joined a nudist resort where we all met. Peter is just like Betty and I am just like Steve so we naturally gravitated to each other. Betty finds peace and harmony in "resting" with Peter and I find excitement and mental stimulation in Steve.

When I look at Steve and Betty now, I wonder what they ever saw in each other? They are so different and not compatible at all. I feel the same way about Peter and at least three of us wish we had met earlier in life and married the correct spouse. I guess that is one of the drawbacks to marrying so young.....you really don't know who you are or who you should really be married to.
 
"I have forgiven him but I can't seem to shake the feelings of emotional and physical abandonment."

- I would never forget if I was you, and don't blame you at all. It reminds me of that saying. 'Fool me once, shame on you; Fool me twice shame on me.' He neglected you for so long that every time he is now nice and attentive ( even sparingly so given the story), you can't help but be reminded of the years you suffered through. I would use it to help you realize how much he has changed or lack of change and where you want to be and how far you all have to go.

How sad, Betty sounds like she is losing more than the men's attention, but also a great friend who was only looking out for her. It's one thing to go out of your way to help someone, but it is pointless if she doesn't even have the drive to help herself.

Hoping the best for you. You have gone through too much to be sad or miserable with someone - romantically or emotionally. We have each been given one life, lets not waste it on anyone that isn't enriching our own lives too.

Moon88
 
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