My Polyfidelity Quad Life

The sad part of all of this is that Peter openly admits that he is incapable and unwilling of giving me what I need (emotionally & physically). He knows Steve is the perfect person to fulfill this human need in me and yet when Peter and I get into a dispute (mostly about Steve and his affection towards me) he calls me SELFISH. He says that I am risking our 27 year marriage because of my selfish need for love and affection. He thinks I should be satisfied with what he gives me, which is very little.

On the other hand there is Betty who tells Peter constantly that she wants very little (emotionally) from him and yet he won't bond with her!!! He just wants sex from her. He is stuck on me and none of us know why?

In my heart, I feel that he is getting exactly what he deserves....and that is a person (Betty) who cares very little about her appearance, does very little for him and is stunted emotionally, as is he. They are perfect for each other. Why should Peter get the trophy wife that he refuses to work for or pay attention to? For years now, Peter has gone to bed without even kissing me goodnight. In contrast, even when it is not his night to sleep with me, Steve will turn the house upside down looking for me just to kiss me goodnight and wish me a restful night. I see one man functioning in a less than optimal marital obligation and the other functioning in pure love.

Guess which one I am spending the rest of my life with?
 
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Betty told me this morning that Peter said he loved her yesterday and that their relationship was more than just sex. I am not sure if I believe it because he is so emotionally closed off but I will take her word for it. She also likes to embellish things so I am not really sure if I can bet the farm on what she says or perhaps he is just saying what she wants to hear. It is hard to tell with him. I hope that he is moving towards acceptance of our poly group and starting to bond with her. It sure would make life easier for all of us.

Note worthy - we usually spend one whole weekend day with our secondary so Peter and Betty sit at home resting from the week while Steve and I run around town. This weekend, Peter (in his usual fashion) asked Betty where we were off to and she answered that she didn't know and didn't care. He answered that he guessed he really didn't care either.

I thought that was a good answer and good progress. :)
 
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It's an improvement, so that's a good thing!

I'm happy to read this update =)

As to believing what Betty told you about Peter telling her that he loves her or not - don't sweat it. That's their relationship and just be happy that she is getting more of an emotional relationship she's been in need of. Though I do also hope he isn't lying to her, but she felt good enough about it to share the news with you, and I hope it wasn't said in order to get a reaction out of you.

Sounds like things are in motion to make this quad work out more smoothly. I am jealous when reading these stories, so I am in a state of a bittersweet mindset when I read success stories into the type of relationship I really want, but seems impossible at times to achieve.

While your relationship is not perfect, it sounds like you are truly happy with Steve and Peter is working on towards being a better partner, so maybe that will be extended to you more soon.

Wishing the best in these next few weeks.

Moon88
 
Moon88,

I think you are right in that Peter is trying to extend more affection to me. It was my turn to sleep with him last night and he was very sweet to me. He is not the kissing type (bone of contention with me for years) and he kissed me for 5 minutes straight. That is very rare for him. It's been over a month since we last made love and last night he cried at the end like he really missed me. I think he is trying to work through some emotions right now and I want to be there for him. I don't want to make the other two jealous so I won't mention this to them. We have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy in the house to reduce jealousy. Steve is my main sexual partner and occasionally (rarely) I have sex with Peter. Peter and Betty have regular sex but not Steve and Betty. If you take the sex out of the mix though, we are all very devoted to one another for life.
 
This week Steve and I talked about how it would be with just the two of us. We were simply "entertaining" the idea because we know we have two other people that depend on us. Sometimes it just gets hard trying to "manage" more than one relationship and also other personalities, jealousy, irritations, melt downs, etc. Poly relationships are hard enough when you don't live together but when you do.....it seems more like a prison at times. Some days it is easy and I feel confident that we can do this! Other days, I feel trapped and wonder if living alone would be easier? :cool:
 
Do what makes you happy!

This week Steve and I talked about how it would be with just the two of us. :cool:

While I am relaying on your updates to confirm Quad relationships are attainable and beautiful; ( This is what Sun80 and I want) I could not deny over these 9 months or so - it has been Steve who has been supporting your emotional and physical needs and wants. Do mono relationships have their pluses? Hell Yes, but are you willing to get rid of the investment you have in Peter? No one can answer that question other than you, but it's important to bring up. Your meta doesn't seem to be at the same level of bonding you now have with Steve, but would she part with him to make way for the two of you?

I think it is important to say this, you are the only one in control of your happiness - don't settle for anything else.

Fiji isn't looking so bad right now, and Betty doesn't have to put up with a smothering partner.

If you want to see if your marriage is still worth keeping, and to see what a longer commitment with Steve would look like - maybe introduce sleeping 2 nights and then switching. It will give each pairing more time to talk through their ideas and goals for the relationships. :)
 
As ornery as Pete is, I am not willing to part with him at this time. Steve and I realize that Peter is fighting for me and our 27 year marriage when he acts out and this is something that we both have agreed to accept and deal with. Last night I suggested that Steve and Peter both sit with me for the evening and watch TV. I sat between them and they both seemed happy about the request and we all felt comfortable doing so. Betty walked in from work later that night and seemed a little surprised that we were all sitting together so I had some explaining to do this morning. I will get to that in a minute.

Steve, Peter and I have talked in the past about forming a triad that would technically be functioning inside of the quad. We were not ready 6 months ago to act on the idea but I think we are revisiting the idea. Since Peter's biggest complaint is the lack of balance....Steve and I are going to make an effort to sit together with Pete on the couch when Betty is at work. That way no one feels left out and I can show affection to both of them at once. I asked Peter last night if he would be willing to allow Steve to sleep with us once a week (on one of our nights together) and Peter said yes. This means that we would be functioning as a triad sexually but independent of Betty. Betty would still have her sexual relationship with Peter so while this may be a new concept to her, she will have to accept where we are and where we are going. Steve and Peter are both in love with me and I love them both so I am willing to enter into a triad to keep them both happy. We will have to work out the details as we go.

I explained to Betty at coffee this morning that we three decided to sit together last night because now that we have developed our love relationships, established sleep schedules and date days/nights, we need to pull the group back together and start spending more time in the quad relationship. I didn't mention the triad and won't because I feel like the guys should do that when it is the appropriate time.

Betty confided that said she has been having problems with Steve and that they are not getting along that well. I have heard this from both of them even though they are very quiet when they argue. I asked her what she thought her options were and she said she could either yell back at him, which would make things worse for everyone in the house or she could just ignore him. I told her that I would prefer that she pick her battles and ignore what she can unless he really hurt her feelings and then they need to communicate their frustrations to each other. I am not sure why they can't be civil to each other? She said divorce is not an option because she has no where to go and it's her house dammit! I know Steve gets frustrated with her because she is messy, inconsiderate of others and lacks common sense at times. He said he has been dealing with this for 25 years and its why they are, where they are. I can see this and I feel the same frustration with Betty because I am a lot like Steve.

The problem with the two of them is that they are not invested in each other anymore as marriage partners....so why play nice? I have explained to both of them that it is imperative to the quad that they work through their issues and remain civil. Steve wants to use their problems as a stepping stone into forming the triad but I think he needs to just come out and tell her. Rip the band aid off and let's just deal with it!

Current sleeping arrangements for me:

Mon - Peter
Tue - Steve
Wed - Steve
Thu - Peter
Fri - Steve
Sat - Steve
Sun - Peter

Future (triad) sleeping arrangements for me would look like:

Mon - Peter
Tue - Steve
Wed - Steve
Thu - Peter & Steve
Fri - Steve
Sat - Steve
Sun - Peter
 
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Did I miss something? Steve & Peter want to have sex together? Are they bi? If they aren't and they are just sharing you, that is a V, not a triad.
 
No, they are not bisexual. They will be having sex with me. I had to confirm just a minute ago that they were both ok if they touched body parts during sex. They both said ok. Steve is going to tell Betty soon that he wants to spend time upstairs and we all talked about the collective decision that we made and how we are going to address the issue with her independently if asked.

Yea, I guess we are a V.
 
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I have a V with my 2 husbands, but we don't have threesomes, or share sex as a group. You can also have threesomes with these guys and not be a V, but since you have an emotional connection already, definitely a V is what you'd call your polycule. :) If Betty is no longer involved with anyone in the group but Peter, then it sounds like you've shifted from a quad to an N. (Where you and Peter are both hinges.) It's important to use the correct terminology, but what's most important and ethical is that everyone involved is aware of the shifting that is going on. Communication here is important - how do you think Betty is going to react?
 
I am not sure how Betty is going to take it and we ran through several "response" scenarios or ways she could react. I think we are prepared for all of them. Nothing will really change for her so I can't imagine where the problem would be. She took it pretty well when I told her about mine and Steve's Bondage relationship. She said she wasn't interested but didn't care if we did it. So we shall see!
 
We are still introducing Betty to the idea of Steve sleeping upstairs with Peter and I once a week. When we "lightly" mention it in our conversations she states that she does not want to sleep alone. However, she and Steve slept in their own rooms for 2 years (alone) so I am not sure where her concerns are coming from? I think Steve should just tell her one night that he is sleeping upstairs and let the chips fall where they may. She will get used to the idea after a few times. She is also welcome up there with us but refuses to do so because "it is a private time".....so I kinda feel like that is a decision she has made and shouldn't try to force her beliefs or limitations on Steve.

Steve on the other hand has mentioned to me that he has been feeling profound loss when he is away from me and wishes we could just leave and move in together (he and I). He admits that these thoughts are totally irrational but they are making him sad and a little withdrawn. I had the same thoughts a few months ago so I shared with him how I got through them. I also made the comment that he says that he wants to be with me 100% of the time (sleeping) but I have offered him an opportunity for an extra night with Peter and I and he is not willing to leave Blondie alone because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. Even though they slept apart for 2 years before they met us. :confused:

The conclusion I am coming to is.....if he wants an extra night with me, he will make it happen. That's not my burden to deal with right now. I have to get through school.
 
I appreciate you sharing..

I appreciate your story and find many similarities in your life to mine. Mine has a bdsm twist. I hope the quad grows and get stronger if not I am glad you and Steve found each other.:):):)

AmeDesire
 
This past week was fun (sarcastic voice). Steve basically ripped the band-aid off and told Betty that he would be sleeping upstairs occasionally and she lost her shit. She literally screamed at him like a mad woman for hours and behaved like a teenager demanding to get her way. There is nowhere for her to go so she couldn't threaten him with divorce so she resorted to hysterics, which has apparently worked in the past....but not this time. She said she absolutely couldn't sleep alone (although she did for 2 years) and he showed her that she could by taking up residence on the couch that night. We all talked to her in one form or another. I explained to her that Steve would be going out of town soon for work and that she and I would BOTH be sleeping alone since our sleeping arrangements with Peter continue even when Steve is out of town. We have done so in the past. During Steve’s last business trip it was Betty’s turn to sleep with Peter and he came to me and told me he felt uncomfortable with his wife of 27 years sleeping alone downstairs with Betty sleeping comfortably in his bed. I assured him that I would be alright and that this was what was fair for everyone. In my own discussions with Betty, I suggested that she, Peter and I sleep together in the King bed if she didn't want to sleep alone. Of course she turned the idea down because to her "that would be weird." Peter then said as a demonstration of fairness.....we should all take a couch or bed and everyone sleeps alone while Steve is gone. She didn't like that either.

So we got through the first part of the week and on Wednesday (Betty's day off) we all came home to an all too familiar setting (her slurred speech and odd behavior). She just couldn't hide the fact that she had been drinking all day. Of course she denied it. The next day with the agreement of the guys, I took all of the liquor off of the bar and put it down in the basement storage room. The guys went and got a door lock and while she was at work for the evening we transitioned the alcohol bar to a coffee bar. We all sat down and talked about why she was drinking without us and she admitted to having a past and present problem and that she was in fact drinking on her day off. We gave her an ultimatum to get help or we would ask her to leave. Apparently this has been going on in Steve and Betty’s marriage for the past 15 years or so. Steve is at his breaking point with Betty’s drinking and so are we. Betty claims that the stress in the house related to his not sleeping with her, drove her to drink. He called bull$hit on that one and said she has been doing that for years in the absence of stress. We reminded her of how she has been pushing the envelope for several months now and we know about her sneaking alcohol, which is why it had to be relocated.

As a medical professional, I challenged her to seek out an addiction counselor and do research on how to improve her coping skills. She said she would come back to the group Sunday night with a plan.
 
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On Saturday Betty spoke with an addictions counselor through her job for 2 hours. The woman basically told her that since she doesn't drink everyday they consider her a "binge drinker" and not an alcoholic. I am not sure that I believe that because it has been going on for so long and probably more often than we know....but whatever. Regardless of what they are calling it, if she brings alcohol in the house on her own or start sneaking around again, we will take next steps to remove her from the home. Steve, Peter and I have talked about what we would do if this happens and we are all in agreement that we would sell the house and live together some where as a V.

Steve told Peter and I privately that when their kids were teenagers they used to come home to drunk mom and she became very disconnected to the family. Steve just dealt with it the best he could until we came along. Now he doesn't feel obligated to deal with her behavior any more. I think she knows that this is her last chance.

Sunday we met briefly in the living room to discuss her research on coping skills. She didn't have any but said she would let us know in a few days. Today (Monday) she is moping around and sighing a lot. Not sure what that is about but I am sure I will hear about it later.
 
Steve and I are in a bit of a spat. I started working the overnight shift and have been a little tired lately so sex has been sporadic. Last night, I wanted to be intimate and didn't get the same signal from him so I questioned our NRE. He asked if I was a little disappointed in him and I told him that I was disappointed in general with a lot of things (work, menopause, my workouts, etc). He took it personally and started sulking. I sat on his lap to try to get him to talk and he asked me to get off and went into the living room. Not sure what I did or said to warrant that reaction.

Truthfully, I do see our NRE dissipating a bit. He used to rush into the bedroom before I got there to light our candles and warm the bed. He usually has a night cap waiting and can't keep his hands off of me. Lately he just piddles around and wants to talk. He is not as attentive as he was before and I guess that is ok because you can't have NRE forever. This month will be a year together in the quad house so I guess I should be grateful that our NRE has lasted this long.
 
Betty has finally accepted the three of us sleeping together once a week. She gets a little pissy when it is time for Steve to come up to our room.

On another note.....Steve is talking more and more about divorce from Betty. I think he is just tired of her after 25 years but doesn't really know what to do with her because he has basically "enabled" her immaturity for said years. She barely drives, works only part time because she is "stressed out" all of the time being a checker at a grocery store. When she is stressed she smokes and drinks more, which nobody likes. Both guys have admitted that they are not attracted to her and Peter is the only one having casual sex with her, which he says he can take or leave. Yet no one wants to pull the rip cord because she is so needy.

Not sure what to do at this point.
 
Come to find out.....Steve has been trying to figure out what to do with Betty since he basically has no relationship with her any more. This is why he is preoccupied.

I do see our NRE dissipating a bit. He used to rush into the bedroom before I got there to light our candles and warm the bed. He usually has a night cap waiting and can't keep his hands off of me. Lately he just piddles around and wants to talk. He is not as attentive as he was before and I guess that is ok because you can't have NRE forever. This month will be a year together in the quad house so I guess I should be grateful that our NRE has lasted this long.
 
Our Quad is officially done with. Betty & Steve will be divorced in 21 days so I am discontinuing this blog and probably starting a Triad blog. :)
 
Why would you start a new blog? Just keep posting here. I have had many different partners, and if I started a new blog for every one, this page would be full.
 
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