People's Assumptions

Tinkerbell87

New member
M husband and I have recently decided to venture in to the poly lifestyle. We are trying not to let a lot of people know because do not want it to effect our children or my future (husband is oilfield so it wouldn't effect his job. I will be starting school next fall to be a teacher). Anyway to the point....
The few friends we have told assume that it was all my idea and my husband agreed to it just to make me happy,. This is not true at all. He is the one who first brought up the idea of an open marriage. After lots of research I wanted poly because of the emotional factor, rather than just sex. The assumptions of others shouldn't bother me, but it does. It makes me feel like everyone is judging me and he is just the loving husband trying to keep me happy. When we tell them this is far from the truth they do not believe us. I knew when people found out not everyone would be supportive but it makes me feel like a bad person who is incapable of just being with my husband. I could just be with him, we have been monogamous for 10 years, but both of us prefer the new relationship more (at least for now).
I don't know if I even had a question or anything. I just need advice on not letting people's opinions get to me so much. It just feels like most things in society, the man is perfect and the woman is to blame for anything and everything.
 
I've been through something similar, many times. :eek: I'm tall, thin, kinda geeky; my lovers have tended to be quite pretty, & sometimes distinctly younger than me. So, yeah, I've heard the "doing it just to please Tony" thing even if she was poly before we met. :rolleyes: (I've even been called "Svengali" which delighted me because at least the clueless dumbass was familiar with a cinema classic. :))

It's like cockroaches: no matter how big your boots, there's always more of 'em. ;) And like roaches, it's probably best if you focus on the major infestation, & get to the stragglers as time permits.

You've only told a few people -- my guess is that these are people you either don't have much contact with, or trust very much. Focus on the ones closest to your heart.

I know there's monogamists who get bent when I say it, but monogamy is a cult & many of its adherents demonstrate symptoms of brainwashing. We have all been presented with stories & images & word-choices on a daily (if not hourly, & now second-to-second thanks to the Internet) basis that make it clear monogamy is The One True Way, & anyone who steps outside that is sick, twisted, insane, immoral, criminal...

For many, it's NOT a deep brainwashing. However, it DOES take them some time to wrap their little brains around the idea.

I'm not a Xtian, but I've been around 'em quite awhile. Martin Marty once pointed out that getting in peoples' faces is a very poor way of spreading The Good Word -- at any college campus back in the '80s, it wasn't at all uncommon to see people literally waving Bibles like cudgels while screeching how someone was going straight to Hell unless they immediately got on board with whatever Xtian flavor the screecher was selling. Clearly a matter of duress, even implied threat of physical harm, & less subtle than a British press gang.

Marty instead recommended that the (let's be honest) activist recruiters would do better to let their lives showcase their faith, to occasionally mention their faith, & to leave the metaphoric door open to discuss things further.

When that article came out in Christianity Today, the campus quad got a LOT quiter within days.

There's a small dilemma: you cannot change someone's mind, not in any significant or lasting way. However, you CAN calmly state the truth as you see it... then move along. If they were merely mis- or uninformed, & they can rightly becalled friends, then they will change their own prejudices.

It's a common human failing that we react negatively to people who are "being defensive" no matter how much they are totally in the right (& maybe even NEED to attempt defense or watch their position erode further). If you're defensive, you prove their prejudices, & invite further abuse.

And the problem with trying to correct the foolish is that they are emotionally invested in thinking foolishly. Offering proof of their error is like telling them they're idiots, & nobody resents THAT more than verifiable idiots. :D
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One further thing to consider: is it possible that you are carrying your own doubts, & are projecting these onto others? I ask because you take a very limited experience -- you have not told many non-poly people about your nonmonogamous experiences -- so it's quite a leap from there to "the man is perfect and the woman is to blame." (At the very least, MY experience has pretty much been the direct opposite.)
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And you have to be aware that you are really NOT hiding as much from your children as you think. They'll know you're up to something, & your furtiveness will lend the impression that it's creepy & bad. Since discovery is not IF but WHEN, about all you can control is how much ick you'll have to dig through.
 
Hi Tinkerbell87,

Sorry people have been giving you a hard time about being poly. Let me be at least one voice to assure you that I believe you even if those other people don't. Sometimes people just like to be seen on the "winning" team, and since monogamous bias is a majority worldview, it seems to be winning. People with better ethics would consider the poly perspective and not just dismiss it out of hand.

I just hope and wish for you to get some relief from your battered feelings. Your supporters are out here, you aren't alone.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you for that. I know it shouldn't bother me but it does. I don't mind people being closed minded and not understanding but there is no blame. My husband and I decided this together after research and lots of conversations.
 
I have no reason to doubt that. It makes sense, it is how responsible people make decisions together.
 
Thank you for all that. For some reason I just seen your reply. It could be my insecurities radiating on to others. People always tell me I have a flirtatious personality and I think that is why people are making those assumptions. And as far as the kids mine are 9 and 2 at the moment. My 9 year old will eventually figure it out and I will discuss with her how not all relationships look the same and different does not mean bad or wrong.
 
It just feels like most things in society, the man is perfect and the woman is to blame for anything and everything.

Change this one belief of yours and your entire experience of life will dramatically improve. Have you heard that it's easier to put on slippers than to carpet the world?
 
I just need advice on not letting people's opinions get to me so much. It just feels like most things in society, the man is perfect and the woman is to blame for anything and everything.

I am sorry you struggle.

I think this is a case of "my stuff - your stuff."

If you friends assume things, and think something erroneously? And you correct them and they still want to think erroneously? You have no control over their thinking process or beliefs or opinions. You have to learn to be ok letting all that be "their stuff."

You are not responsible for what they choose to think. You are not responsible if they don't want to take new data on board when you clarify something. You could let it be "their stuff" and not adopt it for yourself and turn it into "my stuff."

I don't mind people being closed minded and not understanding but there is no blame.

Could you be willing to clarify that please? I'm not sure I understand where in the conversation the friends blamed you. What did they actually say?

As far as I can tell, you and your husband deciding something together is not "wrong" and it isn't a crime.

You don't have to take their opinion that (you suggested to Open and he agreed) as a "judgement against you." You could just let it sit on the floor. You don't have to pick it up.

If they think wrong? And you and your husband know otherwise? What difference does it make in your dating life, your relationship with your husband, etc? You do not have to JADE. (Justify, argue, defend or explain your choices to people.)

Is it a terrible thing to you that these people think your husband is willing to do something that you suggested?

It just feels like most things in society, the man is perfect and the woman is to blame for anything and everything.

Where did you learn this belief? It it serving you well at this point in time? Or is it not serving you well any more?

Galagirl
 
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I experienced the same thing when Hubby and I opened our marriage, and especially when he decided he didn't want to see anyone else but was okay with me doing so. I lost some friends because of it; I chose to rid myself of other "friends" when I found out what they were saying behind my back.

At the end of the day, you can live your life based on what you believe is right, and on the agreements you and your husband have made; or you can live it based on what people assume and gossip about even when they're proven to be wrong at best or lying at worst.

I am sorry you're dealing with that. It sucks to be judged in that way, especially by people you trusted and believed to be friends. But it isn't about you.

Hell, maybe they're just jealous that your husband is so incredibly awesome and they can't have him. ;)
 
@GalaGirl what I meant with "there is no blame" is my husband and myself mutually agreed to our new arrangement and nobody is to blame because we are not doing anything wrong. And they told him, well I know she's the one who suggested that and I can't believe you are doing this just to make her happy. One even went to the extent of telling husband we would be divorced within a year. And yes I know "the woman is to blame" is not a good way to look at things but that's how it always seems to me. House is a wreck, woman's fault. Budget messed up, woman. Guy cheats nobody cares, woman cheats and she is a disgrace. I know I need to change my jaded view of things and I'm working on that.

@KC43 It truly is horrible. I just hate the way certain people look at me now. A girl who I thought was becoming a friend (she is husband's best friends girlfriend) just speaks to me when it is necessary now and I'm like nope, I'm done with that. I will be civil with her when necessary but I don't need people who can't respect our decisions in my life.
 
@GalaGirl what I meant with "there is no blame" is my husband and myself mutually agreed to our new arrangement and nobody is to blame because we are not doing anything wrong.

That is true. You are not doing anything wrong.

And they told him, well I know she's the one who suggested that and I can't believe you are doing this just to make her happy. One even went to the extent of telling husband we would be divorced within a year.

I see. I hope husband told them something to the effect of "Thank you for your concern. In this situation you need not worry for my sake" which is one way to say "Not your business. Shut up."

Basically they are jumping to conclusions. Cannot do anything about that thinking process. But if/when they are rude, you CAN do something about your "staying-ness."

You can say "Thank you. This topic is not up for discussion. You do not have to agree with my decisions, but you do have to let my choices be mine. Let's talk about something else." If they persist? You don't have to be there. Could say

"I've asked to change topic and you are not respecting that. I shall withdraw." and leave the conversation/room.

I think carrying on and just living your lives as you see fit and maintaining your boundaries could be one way to handle it.

And yes I know "the woman is to blame" is not a good way to look at things but that's how it always seems to me. House is a wreck, woman's fault. Budget messed up, woman. Guy cheats nobody cares, woman cheats and she is a disgrace. I know I need to change my jaded view of things and I'm working on that.

I don't know if googling tips on how not to take things personally could help.

@KC43 It truly is horrible. I just hate the way certain people look at me now. A girl who I thought was becoming a friend (she is husband's best friends girlfriend) just speaks to me when it is necessary now and I'm like nope, I'm done with that. I will be civil with her when necessary but I don't need people who can't respect our decisions in my life.

Maybe she doesn't know how to be because you are the first openly poly couple she's ever met? If she's simply being shy/uncertain don't write her off yet.

But if she is not wanting to be tighter friends? Then yes. You might just have to be polite when you bump into her but not hang out more than that.

You might also have to build a different set of friends.

It stinks to be dealing with all that from people you believed were friends. I'm sorry.

Galagirl
 
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Yep yep yep! Everyone was "oh, poor DarkKnight!" and "you better make sure he still feels special when you're out sexing up other people!" like I was taking advantage of my husband's good graces. My mom told me he wouldn't tolerate me for long. lol Um, how about the fact that he SUGGESTED polyamory to me? This isn't something I am doing TO him.

I agree with Ravenscroft - trying to hit someone over the head with the idea doesn't work. I just corrected false assumptions politely, and then went on being me. It took about a year for things to shake out once we were living our lives openly and authentically. Now people just move along and it's just a fact of how we are different.

And now I have a second husband who is amazeballs and my life is great. :)
 
GalaGirl- he did correct her and informed her that we have a strong relationship and that is the only reason we are both comfortable with polyamory. Our relationship is stronger than ever. We went out last night just the two of us and had the best time we have had in forever. We talked and flirted with each other and no acquired silences or just constantly talking about the kids. And she is coming from a place of hate because my husband is speaking to one of her friends. They (husband and her friend) met and clicked so I think she has this crazy idea of best friends dating best friends. Who truly knows though. We both corrected her and if she was genuinely curious or anything we would have problem answering any questions or anything and she knows that.

Bluebird- I am goad things improved for you. I don't understand why people make assumptions about things they have no clue about. Guess that is just life.
 
I am not married, so it didn't impact my QUITE the same. However I publically came out on FB and quite a few of my friends were people who I DID know in my married circle when I was married to my ex-husband.

I'm reminded of this quote:
"Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter."
This is a bit oversimplistic and does to disservice those somewhere in the middle of these extremes. But, its a handy catchall to remind yourself.

I also gave people the option to opt out, so people in real life I discussed with who didn't see it on FB I simply said, well this is your polite and friendly option *now* to back out being friends if you want.

Those who didn't like being so direct simply faded and I let them be, to see if later they would come back when dust settled.

Still others were very judgemental and straight up blocked me off facebook or whispered openly in front of me while I worked at near by pub. Those who were most catty I got the feeling were most either a) insecure about their own sexuality, or b) threatened by mine, or c) jealous.

It did cause some misunderstandings once when I brought two guys to work on different days to pick me up from work once...*roll eyes* Bad judgement on my part, after that was nicknamed Cat. Which was fine, it was inside joke about being cat-nip for men.

But the long and short of it is, BE you, own you, and let the chips fall as they may, and it sucks having to change friends circles, but its sadly the way the world works at times. I really hope you can find some local people who are open and receptive as new friends. :)
 
Ugh. This reminds me of my ex for a few reasons.

1. When we got together, his Mom loved me because our house was always clean, his family thought I was "so good for him!" because he was behaving relatively well under my management. The fact is, he is and always has been a pretty toxic guy, we just had a very um...high functioning sort of codependency for a while. But in the early few years, his mom would tell me how I was better than his previous two wives. Everything wrong with their relationships, was completely their fault. It send me the message that if anything was not up to snuff in our household, I could expect to be held accountable, and her perfect little boy could never possibly do any wrong. I have not spoken to her since the breakup, even though I was fond of her.

Part of the abusive nature of our relationship was that he convinced me that he expected me to be disappointing, expected me to cheat, expected the worst of me, so I had to "prove" myself constantly. He of course was above any wrongdoing, above suspicion. Because he lived these supposed codes of honor and integrity, but women could not be expected to comprehend them. We're all betrayers and deceivers.

2. Found out that after our divorce, his friends, whom I thought were my friends too, and who still pretend they are my friends, actually believe that our friend the Pirate broke up our marriage because I got attached to him around that time. No, no way that the abuse that you saw with your own eyes had anything to do with it. Nope. Like they saw and heard him saying cruel and humiliating things to me over the years. One of his friends even told me I was a "saint" for putting up with him. So I got a bit emotionally feelsy towards our friend Pirate when my life was crumbling around my ears. I still didn't cheat. And I sure did not leave my husband for that little weasel. He was just a convenient shoulder to lean on in a rough time that would have happened whether he was there or not.

Oh but no, they insist. There HAD to be "another man." Well there wasn't. Not in any way that meant a damn thing. I just couldn't deal with the ex anymore.

3. People hate me for "hurting him." No one hates him for hurting me. This, I am guessing, is because he makes a huge production of being broken and sad and depressive, where I try to be strong and positive and carry on and try to make the best of things. Clearly I'm not devastated enough to have been the victim of anything.

4. We have some mutual friends (my ex and I are both friends with them) who are going to rent the house, our former marital home, from him. And they are poly. And she has an easier time finding companionship and has had a decent relationship with a second guy for a while. Her husband on the other hand doesn't always fare as well. He finds the occasional partner, but hasn't found a good, solid, lasting thing with anyone. Everybody figures that he just goes along with it because he wants to keep his wife happy, because he loves his wife and kids. But no one has asked him, they just assume it. Meanwhile, at this point, near as I can tell, he and her other partner, both guys really like each other a lot and see one another like family, and he doesn't seem miserable with the arrangement. Nevermind the fact that he's a grown ass adult who can manage his own love life.
 
Here is the part where I check myself.

Everything I wrote can be spoken back to with the words I gave a friend, when he had a breakup and was upset that all her friends thought he was a jerk.

I asked him, "Are these people your mutual friends, or HER friends?" They were her friends. So I said, then, she has the right to her support network and to let them do their job.

In terms of the people who made assumptions about my ex and about me and about the situation... I deliberately stepped back and encouraged those "mutual friend" relationships to be mostly his. It was easy, since he stayed in the house where they were accustomed to visiting, and continued to have a bit more social contact than they did with me. I stepped back because I make new friends so easily, and I didn't want to take his away. So, they did for him, what friends should do. They tried to give support.

Sometimes, that does entail a bit of "choosing sides" behavior, but it is with good intentions.

In the situation of the OP, it's probably just very confusing to people who don't understand poly, that they feel they should try and be supportive if someone might need it, but maybe they don't know that it's not the appropriate response this time around. We have to be careful not to victimize ourselves, as I did in my last post, and set ourselves up as martyrs...when probably most of the "feeling so judged" is really in our own minds. I think.

??
 
M husband and I have recently decided to venture in to the poly lifestyle. We are trying not to let a lot of people know because do not want it to effect our children or my future (husband is oilfield so it wouldn't effect his job. I will be starting school next fall to be a teacher). Anyway to the point....
The few friends we have told assume that it was all my idea and my husband agreed to it just to make me happy,. This is not true at all. He is the one who first brought up the idea of an open marriage. After lots of research I wanted poly because of the emotional factor, rather than just sex. The assumptions of others shouldn't bother me, but it does. It makes me feel like everyone is judging me and he is just the loving husband trying to keep me happy. When we tell them this is far from the truth they do not believe us. I knew when people found out not everyone would be supportive but it makes me feel like a bad person who is incapable of just being with my husband. I could just be with him, we have been monogamous for 10 years, but both of us prefer the new relationship more (at least for now).
I don't know if I even had a question or anything. I just need advice on not letting people's opinions get to me so much. It just feels like most things in society, the man is perfect and the woman is to blame for anything and everything.

This is my fear as well. Because in my case I'm the one who needed poly and my husband does not. Part of me honestly doesn't really care if they judge me, but I also feel like people will say "how can you let your wife do that?" "She's treating you badly" "She's using you" etc. Judging him for 'letting me' get away with being poly.

I'm worried our friends, who are really closer to him mostly, would shun me or cut me out, and while some would say that means they aren't friends, I feel like they would be trying to support my husband.

I'm very close to my mother-in-law as well and I don't know how she'd feel you know?

It's all those little things.
 
Part of me honestly doesn't really care if they judge me, but I also feel like people will say "how can you let your wife do that?" "She's treating you badly" "She's using you" etc. Judging him for 'letting me' get away with being poly.

I get this anxiety but I would caution you away from predicting the future like this. It's just adding discomfort to your current situation by fretting over one possible outcome.

I found that the reaction people had was a range between complete lack of interest, to mild curiosity. It might be partially related to my gender, my size, my general demeanor, etc, but that is my experience.

I'm worried our friends, who are really closer to him mostly, would shun me or cut me out, and while some would say that means they aren't friends, I feel like they would be trying to support my husband.

Dress it up however you like, when people don't treat me well, they are not my friends.

Take care of yourself, everyone else will do the same.
 
Thank you everyone for the advice. I hate to see others have went through this but I do appreciate the advice. As of now neither of us have found the right person. We were both talking to people but neither panned out. For now just living life and hoping to meet someone new. Moving in 4 months so not really looking up here because it wouldn't be fair to another person, or myself, to start getting to know someone and then moving.
 
I get this anxiety but I would caution you away from predicting the future like this. It's just adding discomfort to your current situation by fretting over one possible outcome.

I found that the reaction people had was a range between complete lack of interest, to mild curiosity. It might be partially related to my gender, my size, my general demeanor, etc, but that is my experience.



Dress it up however you like, when people don't treat me well, they are not my friends.

Take care of yourself, everyone else will do the same.

Thanks Marcus. This is really helpful. I have actually never received a bad reaction from anyone I've told, although I've been very careful and slow about it IRL as well.

I have another question but I think a new thread would be best
 
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